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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((RSEB)))))
I'm sorry, honey. What can we do for you today, other than hear you?
Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DecimatedHeart,
How are you today? Still with us?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((RSEB)))) Sorry you are having a horrible day. Is there anyway you can take some time to go out and relax, catch a movie, or something to release some stress?

I'm falling apart. Having the worst day so far since D Day. I just want to die. I hate myself for what I did. I can't ever undo it and I will never be good enough in my BH's eyes.
Not pushing you one way or the other but have you considered that this was in fact a dealbreaker for your BH but he can't bring himself to admit that. Just because someone stays, WS or BS, doesn't mean they want or can even put the effort in to create a new M. Putting titles/labels aside, how is your H any different than any other person that won't commit 100% to the M. IMO, you should focus your energy on yourself and your child.


As a BH I again want to commend you on the work you have done on yourself and trying to help your BH. I wish my WW gave even a fraction of the effort you have given. You can't save him though so start focusing on you right now. If he is cold then he is cold. You can't make him uncold. Worry about yourself and your child. Take some time to do something just for you to relax and catch your breath. If this was just a particularly bad day then step back and recharge and reassess your situation.


For me at some point I realized I no longer had the reserves to fight, ther recharger was no longer working no matter what I tried. I didn't consider that giving up on the M. I considered it realizing I needed to save myself while I still had the energy to do so. I was much better off once I started focusing all that energy I put into trying to "fix" or understand my WW back into me.

Sending you good vibes and I hope your day gets better.

ETA: there were some posts while I was typing my last response. I am not in your house but is it possible that he is detaching?

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:26 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RESB..

I am also wonder what he said, what he did. Or not do to make you feel this way right now? What exactly was it?


Generally, there are 6 kinds of men.

1) Men who already knows everything. He will not shift his ways from knowing to doing.
2) Men who are afraid of conflict. This man will avoid all the bad things and only focus on the good.. He is too nice
3) Men who are lazy. Too lazy to improve themselves
4) Men who blame others and too foolish to look at themselves first.
5) Men who resent things that happen to them and find fault with everything around them.
6) Men who want to be better, improve their lives, look to be quality in every way, and always seeking knowledge so their own lives will be better.


Who is your man?

There is only one man on that list.. #6 who will is most happy.

I think I read where 80% of all D are initiated by women. Unfortunately, you will be the one who will give your man what he earns.

The only way reconsolidation works is if both can forgive. The BS must forgive his WS and the WS must forgive themselves. Should the BS not forgive, IMO the WS will never forgive themselves. One not being around the one who does not forgive is the way to forgive yourself.

You can hold your head high. You come with strength posting your taking full responsibility. Your goal all along after your falling was only to have a good marriage. People eat the apple. It is part of life. I am sure you now understand all the consequences and IMO working so hard to do your part was your penitence. You invited him back and that is all you can do. If he does not want to change or forgive that is only his choice.

Take your time right now… Your last step should be a final ultimatum. Don’t give it to him yet.. think it through. Just give it a few days. Be nice but distant from him.. the 180 rules.

A final ultimatum will be his final choice. He can only help himself.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB-
Is he depressed in general? Disappointed in the way his life has turned out? Disappointed that his marriage was not what he thought? disappointed that he is not further along in his job? etc.?
Dealing with a huge betrayal like a LTA brings out that kind of thinking in many BS.

That feeling of; 'is that all there is'?

Is he happy and engaged when he deals with the children?

Going to IC was huge for me.
I ended up seeing my therapist for 4 yrs after d-day. Once a week. It took a lot of therapy to process the LTA.
But, for me... I needed to vent about other disappointments in my life also. FOO issues etc.
My therapist was really a cheerleader for me.

Helping me to understand that in life there is one given and that is that people will disappoint you.

She also reminded me that I was worthy, that I deserved to be happy, that my past did not have to define my future, that there was hope for a new beginning.

Does your husband go to IC?
Would he consider going?

Do you think it would help him to read a book like: Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dr. Ortman?

In that book he explains why infidelity is so traumatic and why some BS are more affected by it than others .
He also gives suggestions as to how the BS can 'get over' the trauma and be happy again.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NjGal

Do you think it would help him to read a book like: Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dr. Ortman?

He is pretty good when he is with the kids. But yes, I believe he feels depressed, but my upset comes because he won't go to IC or MC. I believe he/us would be so much better off.

NjGal, I am the one who ordered the book you mentioned, you mentioned it to me prior. I am half way through. Even if I gave it to my BH he wouldn't read it. I have shown him ALL the books I have read, he hasn't read NOT EVEN ONE. I got the book as I have gotten all the other reading material just as I joined the LTA forum, to get insight into the turmoil my BH is going through, looking for ways to help him...I don't know if it is even possible anymore


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin

I am also wonder what he said, what he did. Or not do to make you feel this way right now? What exactly was it?

Last night he pulled away again, I felt it coming ALL day. I mentioned it when we were in our bed alone and asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said no, he told me he is going to be cold and this is it and I should "deal with it". Then he went to leave the room. I said you don't think this is bothering me to and that I get annoyed too? He then called me a "C" and he said he won't sleep next to "this" and he said that I am annoying and he went to Atlantic City this past Saturday to "get away from Me". When he went down the stairs he yelled out "I hope he was worth it"...to which I quickly replied, no he wasn't, not at all.

So yes, he has said worse, and I hate to sound like a girl, but it was "the way he said it". We had a good easter, I worked then my Dad came over...we were even intimate that night, very connected, or so I thought.

It is my gut that is screaming...and I am feeling worse and worse about myself...hopeless is more like it.



ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RESB,
Sounds like a #5.

I may have asked this before, but why does he stay?

Given he does not appear to be trying to heal himself and work at improving the M, why do you stay with someone who does not show you love?

Where do you want to be next year at this time?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB-
I am a big proponent of trying to save marriages after infidelity but in some cases there is nothing left to save.

It sounds as if you have been doing everything in your power to reconcile and to try to save your marriage.

You are a very remorseful spouse.

You have done all of the work that any WS could do.

There is something in your BH's personality that is not allowing him to reconcile with you.
That happens. For some people the LTA is a deal breaker.

As much as you want the marriage to succeed you cannot reconcile alone.

And at this point his behavior seems abusive and extremely unkind.

I would not expect any WS to stay in a marriage like this.

Yes, the BS is angry, upset, sad etc. after d-day.
And the BS may be on an emotional roller coaster for years after d-day.
But 3 yrs is a long time to deal with what you are describing.

I would not wish that on any friend or relative of mine and I do not wish it for you.

I think it may time for you to throw in the towel and begin to find a new beginning for yourself and your children.

What you describe is not a healthy environment for you or your children.

You deserve to be happy.

Is there somewhere that you could go? If he is not willing to leave?
Could you go to stay with your family?



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may have asked this before, but why does he stay?

AST

Given he does not appear to be trying to heal himself and work at improving the M, why do you stay with someone who does not show you love?

Where do you want to be next year at this time?

Yes you have asked me previously why does he stay. I believe his answer is for the kids and that he doesn't want to hurt me.

why do I stay? I love him, he has many good qualities, some of which are blurred tremendously at the moment, and I am afraid we may get to the point where I don't see those qualities anymore...funny, maybe that is where my BH is now..he can't "see" me anymore.

Where do I want to be in 5 years? I want peace...I want love and peace and kindness in my life...which is where my mind was right before D Day and I wanted that for me and my children then...I can't take the eggshells anymore. I don't want to hurt my BH anymore, to see him so sad. It is not fair to him or to me or the kids. I know I did the damage, but I can't keep all the plates in the air anymore. I am too tired. If I get any more depressed my kids will be in trouble. I do all the care taking for them...lunches breakfasts homework and dinner...plan their days, make sure they have what they need. Mommy has had quite a few days of depression scattered here and there...if I were to stop functioning...I just don't know what they would do...it hurts me too much to even think about it.


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB,
Honey, sometimes there comes a point when you have to put you first. njgal is right. Please listen to what she is saying.

You have done as much as humanly possible to try and make amends for your affair. If this is a deal breaker for your BH, then perhaps the kindest thing for everyone (and that includes the children) would be to divorce.

Have you seen an attorney/lawyer at all? I think this should be your next step. You may find some comfort from this, some idea of where your life could go. You deserve better than this, you really do.

Your BH’s anger is dangerous. It is extremely destructive and he should not still be feeling like this after all this time. It might be a good idea to sleep in separate rooms for the time being. Why is he still so full of rage and what is he doing about it? I don’t think there was any point in replying to his barbed comment of “I hope he was worth it” and yes, I can imagine how it was said. Full of contempt. And the thing about contempt is that when you are treated in that way, there is no point in taking any conversation further. You have been dismissed out of hand. Any conversation is going to go downhill.

He is being mean and manipulative – trashing you in the most appalling way and then giving you hope by having sex with you and letting you think you are being intimate. Intimacy: into-me-see. What can you see? Another cold shoulder?

Maybe when the wheels of divorce begin to turn, he might find a reason to pull himself out of the pit. This is not a life. This is misery.

Sorry. (((((RSEB)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses! This will probably be long as I reply to everyone – sorry.

RSEB – I hadn’t thought that he might be trying to secure himself financially. He has said several times that no matter what happened, he would always take care of DD and me. I was thinking more that he was trying to find out if MOW would leave her BH for him if I left – don’t let Plan B go if Plan A isn’t going to work out. I also thought he wasn’t trying to save our marriage, just Easter. He swears neither is the case. Thank you for your courage and kind words. I’m sorry that your husband is not being more forgiving. I really believe that if WH would only see the light and make the right choices the way you have, I would have no problem instantly forgiving him and moving forward. Humans are flawed creatures by nature, we make mistakes and deserve forgiveness.

RP – Yes, you’re right. I know I need to detach and 180 for my own well-being, but I fear that it will be counterproductive to R. He has always wanted me to need him. And I realize that his excuse that he didn’t think I loved him/cared anymore is superficial at best, but if he’s not willing to dig any deeper than that at the moment, it’s all I have to work with.

7yrs and ats – foam noodle swim toys I can handle lol. I know that despite the fact that he says he’s chosen me, his actions say the opposite, and that just being here doesn’t equate to trying. I have sent him emails with helpful information and book recommendations, including the ones you mentioned. He only read half of emails and the ones he did read he swears don’t apply to him. No matter how textbook his A actually is, he doesn’t want to see it that way. I sent him a copy of the "What every WS needs to know" post and he couldn't get past the "If you don't think you can get over the affair or aren't remorseful, don't bother reading." Don't think he realized it was sarcasm. Said he read the whole thing, but doesn't know he is capable of giving me what I need to heal right now. As for the books, I don’t believe he looked into them. I don’t take any of the responsibility for the A, but I realize I am not perfect and do accept 50% of the responsibility for pre-A issues, so I focused on that. Control the controllable, right?

As for getting back to pre-M me, we met when I’d barely turned 18. My entire adult life our names have been one big word – AandB, kwim? Who is B without A? I have no idea. Careerwise? I dropped out of college, put him through school, then went back again after he graduated but dropped out when I got pregnant. I wrote a romance novel that was published, but it only makes enough each month to cover our Starbucks fix, and there is no way I can write romance now. I would like to go back to school, but we really can’t afford it. I also have some chronic health issues to take into consideration. After D-day, I was throwing up/not eating for months and lost 20 pounds I really didn’t have to lose, so I have started eating better and exercising 3x a week, which has been a Godsend for my mental health as well as physical.

NJgal – I have thought about telling MOW’s BH, I feel awful that he is in the dark, but WH has said point blank it would be a dealbreaker for him, he refuses to see it as anything but vengeful. (You have no idea how hard it was for me to gather the courage to post here when he has said he doesn’t want me talking to anyone about this and I know he’d be livid if he knew.) Also, I thought that if I respected his wishes regarding this, he would respect mine regarding NC. Hasn’t exactly worked out that way, I realize. No, I’m not in IC, but thinking I may have to start.

Nell – “180 that fool” made me chuckle.

Tryn – No, I don’t believe he’s a serial cheater. And I truly believe that if he can get over this, he would never do it again. It is a romantic LTA – lots of “kindred spirit” shit. She is a former co-worker he was friends with. She pursued him for a couple of years before she found the chink in the armor she needed to worm her way in. If his timeline is to be believed, 7 month EA that escalated to PA for 5 more months until D-day. I believe it is a MLC – he is not where he thought he would be in his life at this point, and she was there with affirmations when I was wanting him to step up to the plate.

Can our love be strengthened? If he gets out of the fog, yes, definitely. Will he stop the affair? Don’t know. He claims that latest NC has lasted for 4 weeks. Not sure I believe that. A great deal of my anger and anguish comes from the impact this has had on DD. We were always an extremely tight knit family. He was never the guy that wanted to go golfing or out drinking with friends before this. In fact, he was the opposite extreme. I used to ask him to get a babysitter and take me on a date and he’d ask me why would he want to do that when we could have family time. DD goes from not wanting us to get divorced to telling me I should stop lying to myself. She tries to play mini-Mom with me and trusts WH even less than I do. This has stolen a piece of her innocence and it pisses me off. Am I at risk of STDs? If he/she is to be believed, MOW was celibate for 4 years before him and her BS sleeps on the couch. I do know there was unprotected sex, though. I haven’t been tested. No, he is not deeply apologetic. He says he’s sorry, can’t wrap his brain around the hurt he’s caused, says my pain is what made him stay and realize I still love him, but then he’ll mock me and throw the affair in my face.

As for sex, in all honesty I am the one wanting it, not him. He withheld intimacy from me for 7 months during A – I lost track of how many times I was rejected. He told me at the time it was stress and depression. He now says it was because he ‘couldn’t do that to me.’ He told her it was because he didn’t want to cheat on her with me (how f’ed up is that?!) After D-day, we immediately resumed physical contact, lots of HB, but then 2 months ago he cut me off again, saying once again it is stress and depression. Won’t even kiss me properly. To me, it is a huge trigger and red flag. Probably messed up, but I guess I figure if he’s sleeping with me, then I know he’s not sleeping with her.

What are my fears? I have no idea who I am without him. I’ve been with him over half my life. My parents divorced when I was young, and turned into completely different people – and not for the better. I am afraid of following in my mother’s footsteps and ruining my daughter’s childhood. I am afraid I’ll never get over him enough to love anyone else, and never trust anyone else enough to let them in. On the flip side of that coin, I was just a teenager, but I dated a lot of losers before WH, had a tendency to attract the wrong kind of guy, and I am afraid that I would fall back into that pattern. I am 41 with no job, no degree, no way to support my DD if I leave and he doesn’t keep his promise to take care of us, especially since that promise was made in the context of ‘if we broke up, we’d always be bonded and best friends’ – to which I replied “like hell.” My family all live three states away. I’m afraid of how I’ll take care of DD without a support system.

ETA: Despite telling me yesterday morning that he was done, he came home last night and was extremely sweet and attentive, acted like it never happened, kissed me goodbye this morning and told me he loved me, asked me today from work how my day was going, etc. I am so confused.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 2:21 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...we were even intimate that night, very connected, or so I thought.

RSEB - I read your quote and kept thinking that this could be what triggered your H's negative behavior. I can only speak for myself, but often after an intimate time together I would feel this sense of panic, this sense that if I let myself "feel" for my H again, I would be placing myself in a vulnerable position setting myself up for more pain and heartache. Then I would withdraw. I would literally will myself to shut down any close feelings that resulted after lovemaking. I knew in my heart I was doing myself, my M and my H a disservice but I was so terrified of getting hurt again that I felt this was a better option.

I'm not saying this is what your H is doing (and believe me I am sorry to hear he is still lashing out and calling you such vile names)but I wanted to let you know from one BS' perspective that I too have been guilty of "detaching" very soon after an intimate evening, much to the disappointment of my FWH.
((RSEB)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

decimated-
how would your WH know that you were the one that told
the BH?
If I got a call from the other BS about the LTA and was asked not to divulge how I found out I would have honored that request.
I think most BS would.

But...besides the logistics of this..what strikes me is how controlling your WH is.
He is demanding that you do not speak to anyone about the LTA.

You have rights. You can speak to anyone you want-including the other BS.
You have a right to be on SI.

He wants you to keep his dirty secret? while he continues to act inappropriately?

Please try to see an IC.
Hopefully, having someone to talk to will help you to gather the strength to make the decisions that you need to make right now.

However, my guess is that your WH will not allow you to see an IC? Is that true?


Some books for you:
Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie and Women Who Love too Much by Robin Norwood


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DecimatedHeart,

I am so confused.

That is what he wants. Perhaps not intentionally, but it is the "environment" he is comfortable in, him doing what he wants and you off balance.

I will amend my advice for you to add individual counseling. It was very helpful to me and others here on SI to work through our issues. I think it would be helpful to you in uncoupling the AandB. Even if things work out and R occurs, some individuality and personal identity will be a good thing. This would also be the time to discover why you dated losers before.

…MOW was celibate for 4 years before him and her BS sleeps…

In my case OM told FWW he and his BS slept in different rooms and never had sex. She still caught herpes from him. As for the different rooms, that was all a lie.

Can our love be strengthened? If he gets out of the fog, yes, definitely.

It will take more than getting out of the fog. He has to want the M to work; he has to identify what in him found satisfaction and fulfillment in the OW. What made it seem OK to him to continually lie to you and put his wants ahead of the needs of his family. This is not just WS Fog; these actions he is displaying are a part of who he is. To have hope for a healthy M he will need to fix these issues so that he can live a more open and authentic life.

I know I need to detach and 180 for my own well-being, but I fear that it will be counterproductive to R

180 is not intended to lead to or promote R. It is intended to free the BS from the abusive drama swirling around an unrepentant WS, and to give the BS space to begin to heal. The 180 is not a technique for manipulation, it is a technique for self-preservation. It is a good skill to have with an unrepentant WS, and with a repentant WS who is struggling to work through her crap.

…, but if he’s not willing to dig any deeper than that at the moment, it’s all I have to work with.

Truly, you do not even have that. There is nothing that you can do to manipulate you WH into manning up and seeing the truth. The one great truth I think all BS’s have to arrive at is not only was the A not about us, but there was very little that we could do to “make” R happen. All we could do was be a willing participant if our WS was also trying to be a willing participant. I gave FWW time to get her self figured out, I provided access to professional help, I healed myself so that I would be ready to R or D, I made my needs and expectations very clear. That was all that I could do. FWW had to own and address her issues that facilitated her entry into her As. She had to evaluate her re-write of the M history. She had to deal with toxic friends, family members, and co-workers.

All you have to work with is you and your DD. How can you make life better for the two of you. It sounds like your DD could benefit from some 180 too, by taking the focus off her WF (wayward father) and on to new activities with you or friends. Maybe the two of you can volunteer together, take a class together or work on a new hobby. Is she interested in Yoga?

He claims that latest NC has lasted for 4 weeks. Not sure I believe that.

Believe nothing that he says, look at his actions. He will not give you access to his electronic communication. Three times now he says he has established NC, but done it in a way contrary to your request and what the vast majority of SI finds works.

I am not saying you need to make definitive decisions to stay or leave, or D now, but you do need to step back from him and the drama in his life. I recommend the 180 for this, but if you do not want to detach, at the very least be honest when he asks how your day is going.

RSEB,

...and that he doesn't want to hurt me.

I would ask him if this is true. I would look at his actions and answer for myself if I believed him.

I also believe that it is not "better" for kids to be raised in a house with parents who lack affection, intimacy, and love. I think this teaches them to expect this in their relatonships.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea who I am without him.
This was exactly how I felt prior to finding and posting in the LTA thread. NJGal's suggestion about reading "Codepedant No More" and counseling are what I was going to mention. The IC coupled with reading that book helped me see that I was in fact an individual. I saw the following in a post some time ago and it has been one of my mantras:

My M does not define me, my WS's A does not define me, whether or not I stay married does not define me, I define me. Now it's time to go out and define me again.

This applies to you as well. You just have to realize it. The interesting and eventually fun part about answering the question of who you are without your spouse is actually finding out who you are without your spouse.

You started where I started and that was working out and taking care of yourself physically. Keep that up and make a list of things you want to do by yourself and/or with the kids. It can be something as simple as taking them to the park, going to a museum, going on a road trip to site see in another town. Basically write down some things that you always wanted to do or would like to try and start doing them. I loved watching movies so I increased the number of dvd's on my netflix account and would lose myself in a great scifi movie for a few hours several times a week. It was something I liked doing but had stopped so it went on my list. Start off small and build from there. Ideally these are things that you do without your WH. They are for YOU. Don't even tell him you are doing this since his participation is not needed.

If your WH wants to rugsweep then don't keep chasing him. Let him live in lala land and you focus completely on you. If he comes in and talks to you just give him short answers. You don't have to be mean just yes or no and go on about your business. If he is gone or at work don't call him. Try to minimize your contact with him and focus completely on your list of things to do. Add to that list of things for you each day even if it's only one small thing. Working off that list helped me to 180 and detach without really thinking about it. If you do find yourself getting into a discussions with him just keep it short and start up again on something on your list or start the 180 again. The objective is to focus on you and find things that make you happy without needing emotional validation from your WH.

It seems hard but you just start with one thing each day and it can be the same thing for awhile until you feel comfortable doing others. Working off the list of things you actually want to do is the way I got my 180 going. You build off that into other things like NC and not letting him manipulate you.

Once I got some list things going I reminded myself on a daily basis that my STBXWW was a liar and had lied to my face for years while she was out sleeping with her married coworker. When she came at me with some stupidity or conversation I kept repeating that over and over in my head in more harsh terms but you get my meaning. Over time it got easier to ignore the bullpoo when it came my way and I focused on my list. Eventually I found that I was detached and was in the drivers seat then because I know actually BELIEVED that I did have options. So figuring out who you are again can lead to the 180 and detachment and vice versa. Just direct all that excess energy into yourself.

Remember his words mean nothing without the actions to follow and you have seen his actions so start working on your actions since you can affect those and begin to find out what makes you happy again.

Keep posting and it is absolutely ok for you to talk to anyone you want to about your WH's A if that is what YOU want to do. The 2 of you are modeling behavior for your children so provide them with a strong parental figure that they can look up to sicne at the moment your WH can't. I came from a stable home and I will be getting divorced. Do I think that means my kids will or I am starting some cycle. No, because people are individuals but I can model a strong parent that understands boundaries and shows them that in life their are consequences for actions. You can show your children what being a responsible adult is like whether you end up in R or D.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs-
Excellent post with so much great advice.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone!

I'm still here, I am just not able to post as much.. They are watching our computer usage at work and my husband has been home a lot lately.

I am sad to say that I am going to get an attorney and file for divorce. I haven't discussed it with him but I am done talking to him, he is worthless. We have had numerous confrontations and his crappy behavior never changes. It's amazing to me how he lies right to my face and tells me he wants the marriage to work. As soon as I walk out the door to go to work or visit my dying father he is contacting her. I have been recording him and he has been telling her he loves her, etc. they have a plan of leaving both of their spouses in 2015. Little does he know I am leaving him in 2013!

For all of you going thru this, I wish I would have left him 2 years ago when I first found out. I am beginning to believe that you can't win against rainbows and unicorns. New relationships are wonderful compared to the work of a real marriage of 17 years. I tried being the quality wife. I did all the right things to work on the marriage such as admitting and working on my faults, dates, lots of 1 on 1 time, I did it all!

We are going to the Dominican on a trip he won in 14 days and when the plane lands he will have his single life. I am done!

My dad has brain cancer and isn't doing the greatest. I hope he lives thru the summer but that may be a stretch. Getting rid of my husband will lighten the load on my plate. My energy needs to be spent on my dad and kids. My husband has been zapping the life out of me. Every aspect of my life has suffered for this loser. I want my life back!

I am scared to death to do this. I have 3 men in my life and I am going to lose 2 of them. I'm so afraid of taking care of everything by myself. I counted on both of them heavily. I am very conservative and traditional so this is quite the blow for me.

I have been seeing a counselor and she agrees with my plan. When I first started going she didn't think I should make any decisions but she thinks I have done all I can do and I will not have any regrets with my decision and that it's time to let it go.

I'm sorry that my attitude stinks but right now I am pretty hurt and angry. I can't believe someone can treat anyone as disgusting as he has treated me. He gives minimal lip service at times, most times I get told to stop living in the past and to move forward with him. The only forward I'm doing is away!

Take care! I will post again later.

Thanks for all of your support, too. I really have appreciated all of your wisdom.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your attitude doesn't stink at all.

What are you going to do if he comes crawling when you file? It happens a lot. Are you truly done?

You should think about this now. You have a lot on your plate and your Dad will most likely be sicker and, well, it's easier to decide now, that's all.

The "let's leave our spouses ... in two years" line of conversation is pretty common in affairs. The man almost never means it. Only a very small percentage of men leave their wives for their affair partners (like, single digit percentages.) The woman may or may not mean it.

Anyway, divorce is expensive. And so is losing the spouse who provides so many benefits, and not seeing your kids every day. Many men will try to stay married.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi gotta2know,

I agree that you seem to have a fine attitude considering your reality.

The "let's leave our spouses ... in two years" line of conversation is pretty common in affairs.

m334455, raises a good point. FWW had 5 year plans to leave me with two of her OM. The only headway I can see that she made on her plan was Step 1. Date OM

They talk of being together because they think it makes what they are doing OK. They put it out 2 years because neither of them really wants the intimacy of a M.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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