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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovinlife-

I totally understand why you are triggering.

After d-day everything about our marriage and situation changed.

My FWH had taken early retirement, we had moved to a new home right before d-day, I made him sell his car (the BJ mobile), he got sober and started attending AA.

We are successfully R but like you whenever he does something that reminds me of the LTA years I trigger.

It sounds like the job is taking a huge burden off of you.
Maybe focus on that.

The fact that now instead of spending money on insurance you can use the money to do more fun things together?
dinners out, movies, concerts, vacations etc.

And...try to figure out what triggers you the most and see if he can help you with that.

If its shift work-maybe in a few months he could ask to be put on days?

Until then could he do something that would reassure you?

Call from work, text.

Could you meet him for 'lunch' regardless of what time of day that is.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta: I know how hard this must be for you. I just got back from a vacation with WH and the kids and his family. I really didn't want to go, but ended up going. I figured it would be a "goodbye" or the last time we would go away as a family. I tried to detach as much as possible and saw him in a new light. It ended up being good for me. NOW for YOU, you have to decide for yourself if going would be worth it. As Miracle suggested, think about how you would feel 5 years from now. Would you be sorry that you gave up this vacation because he's being an idiot? Enjoy yourself and do things you would like.

Heart: Oh, I'm soooo sorry. Your WH sounds like mine. Unremorseful cake eater to the nth degree. You are doing the right thing. Stick to your guns about the NC letter. Don't listen to his rhetoric and foul words. Look at his actions. Tell the other BS. Your WH is not suffering the consequences of his actions. Let everyone know. This is not revenge, this is reality. Take care of you and your DD. He is only thinking of himself right now.
I truly understand how you feel. I really do. I hung on with my fingernails for ANY sign that WH wanted me and our marriage. I'm still doing it to a degree. Try to detach. 180 as much as you can. Keep posting as much as possible for your sanity and validation.

7yrs: The 2 months can seem like an eternity. Don't think about dating right now. You are not ready. I know I went out a few times with friends and it bothered me thinking about starting over. But, now when I go out to listen to music, my attitude is different. I'm going to have some fun. I'm open to meet and talk to PEOPLE and am finding there are a lot of people who are doing the same. Last time I went out, I started talking to this nice guy and he felt the same as me. Not looking for a relationship, of course if it happens: great, but just socializing with people.

There is a great site called Meetup.com. This is NOT a dating site. There are meetups for all kinds of interests: walking, hiking, dancing, book clubs, art, theater,sports, you name it. You can meet all kinds of people who enjoy doing the things you like too. There is a great meetup by me that meets at different parks to walk once a week.

For me, things are difficult to say the least. Will post soon with more detail. The only good thing is that WH is finally telling me he's sorry. I don't believe it's true remorse, but at least it's a step from the total blameshifting and is helping me detach more. Going away with him helped me see that although I still love him (yes, I'm crazy) I am also seeing him more clearly and am realizing that we really aren't a good match. We don't really enjoy the same things, and lol, he can be bored so easily and he can be very boring!!! He seems to need outside stimulus and validation more than I ever realized.

So much to do and I have to be strong.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovin: i am so so sorry you are not breezin in......i kno you kno what i mean.....and i am so happy you came by and posted....while i may not have any words to help you right now, i am here...listening and hopin that he shows you that who he is now is "real" and "true"....try some meditation and see if that helps you through some of the rough spots...take a class, something....anything.....just occupy your mind.....it doesn't pay to worry, it won't change anything, make you feel better or prevent anything....just know that you will know.....and hopefully there will be nothing to know....

i hope i am makin sense....i had a few drinks and my ramblins might be more ramblin then usual


honest:..hello no dear heart....love....you don't love HIM...you love the him you thought he was...remember this well please...the person you loved does not exist...he never did....you really aren't a good match...that is an understatement if ever i heard one....

now 2 people could have very different interests, yet come together and make a good couple....but the basics need to match, like honesty, fidelity and integrity....without those very key characteristics,,,there is no match...NONE nada, nil, zilch....

remember the basics need to be there if not there is no match....just a coming together for the moment or so....

k,....think i need to go to bed now...

nite all

((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heart,
I do hope you are better than you were in your last post. You know the advice you have been given is the right road to take. I am so sorry he is doing this to you and that he continues to break you. Please donít let him carry on doing this. You have to try and pull away and show him a different side to you Ė one that wonít be drawn in or manipulated. The more he sees you like this, the more he will hurt you. He is revelling in his power over you.

Please tell the BH Ė he deserves to know and you may find an ally in him. If not, youíve lost nothing and he has the information. What he does with it is up to him, but itís only fair as he is remaining in the dark unless you do tell. Time and again the result is the affair loses its shine once it is out in the open. And if he goes, well, at least you will know sooner rather than later. The other scenario is he pulls his head out of his backside (where the sun doesnít shine, actually) and decides the fantasy isnít worth losing the marriage over.

Look at yourself in the mirror and practice what you are going to say. And while you are there, tell yourself that you deserve better than this and you are going to treat yourself with respect and decency and you are going to be your own best friend from now on.

Meanwhile, get organised financially and legally. Have things lined up and ready to go. As they say, close the bakery and stop his cake eating lifestyle. You are feeding his ego Ė time to stop.

The man you knew and fell in love with is gone. He is now a pod person. When he comes to talk to you picture him with a donkey's ass on his shoulders instead of his face or something so silly you can't help but not take him seriously. Change the ringtone on your phone so when he calls it makes a jackass/donkey call or something appropriate so you can prep yourself for the conversation if you choose to even answer.
Great advice 7yrs!! Love it!!
**********

Gotta,
Well, there are quite a number of choices you have here. If heís being that horrible to you, I would vote to not go. If possible, get him to go and work on getting him out and your divorce well on the road while he is away. Going to the DR with him is not going to be much of a holiday unless you plan to keep right out of each others way the whole time. Doesnít sound like fun to me. It gives you more time to spend with your Dad and perhaps you can give yourself a little break of a few days somewhere interesting on your own. Or with a friend. Or go and stay with a friend.
**********

Hi Lovin!
So sorry to see you triggering to the point of dropping by. But maybe itís time to let the leash out a little. Total trust is gone, but Mr Lovin has been close and youíve been together most of the time and he hasnít done anything that would make you think he was up to anything and so I think you just have to find a place for your emotions while he is working evening/night shifts. We all know that if they want to cheat, theyíre going to cheat. But you canít lay out his boundaries for him, he has to do that all by himself. Now he wasnít capable of sticking to them before, he got drawn into that whole LTA double life that becomes a way of life, but if he can stipulate how he is going to behave and what his boundaries are and how he is going NOT do anything that would upset you if you should be watching over his shoulder, then you have to let him just get on with it.

I used to go into ďthe zoneĒ to deal with fWHís travels away. I would say to myself that it was up to him and nothing to do with me. If he lied to me, he only lied to himself because I neither believed nor disbelieved what he said. Thatís how I dealt with it. Mr Loviní KNOWS he has had this wonderful gift from you, I really donít think he is going to mess up again. But I totally understand how you are feeling. (((((Lovin)))))
**********

7yrs

You donít have to consider ďdatingĒ, but I would strongly go along with just going out with other people. Be friendly. Make new friends. And if some are women, well, thatís fine. If you see a woman on her own, then just make it a chance to have some female company but act as if she is the sister of a friend or a neighbour. Just to be out and about and away from your current situation can only be a good thing, give yourself some respite.

Honest has a good idea with the meetup.com thing. And there are probably some local groups who do activities that you might be interested in. I canít think of any downside to doing something like that, only positive things. If you donít enjoy something, you donít do it again!
**********

As for me, things are still bumping along the bottom. Iím not sure how things are going to turn out as fWH wonít talk. I think telling the boys will be the hardest thing. We spent a few days down at my Mumís and fWH was sorting out her woodshed. He looked at me and said he didnít know why he was there, what was the point when I was planning to leave him and plotting our divorce. Iím afraid I turned on him and said isnít that what were YOU planning and plotting for five years? Difference is at least you know! His response was fair enough, mea culpa. He is just being so passive about it all. I know what will happen Ė itíll all go through and he will shrug his shoulders as if he could do nothing to stop it. But one thing is for sure, I cannot stay as I am. Iím not the person I used to be and I hate the person I have become. The only way out that I can see is to stop being with him. He has allowed her ghost to remain and he himself has done very little to deal with her skulking around. Kept saying she would get fed up and go away. Sheesh. And I just get angry. So, there we go.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta.. you have received GREAT advice! The choices are yours. Be strong!

Heart.. I am so sorry. The cake eating is the worse. Stop treating your WH with respect - he does not deserve it. Out the A.

7years.. your posts are so spot on! Keep sharing.

Did it suck, sure, but I would rather be by myself with my kids focusing on me then with a person that doesn't truly respect or love me the way I deserve to be loved.

I am in a similar situation as my W and I still live with our kids in our home while W sorts out options: one of us stays in the home (for kids school), sell the home, etc. W will seek financial advice once tax day is past and CPA is available.


h&c update:
I told my father about the imminent D and gave him the background about W;s A. I am no longer protecting her. My Dad was very supportive of the situation and I expect that he will remain friendly with my stbxw which is good IMO.

W has discovered mint.com when we were doing our tax return. It is really cool as it will parse expenses from credit cards and other accounts (groceries, housing, entertainment, clothing, gas, etc). W may realize that it is her and not the kids that are expensive.

We hosted an event for DD friends at our house and W and I were eating / relaxing in dining room. W shows me a house on the internet that she finds interesting for her (and the kids) and asks about the "affordability". I replied IDK and left the room. If she does not want to build a life with me then she can build her life without me. I do not need to support this emotional validation.

I do struggle with the balance of not doing things that are to my detriment vis a vis supporting W in this D. My issue.

Very, very busy two weeks at work so I am at the office today (Sunday). W dropped me off and as I am getting out of the car affectionately rubs my back. W still has not told her parents about plans to D.

I try not to waste time trying to figure out her emotions. Does W care for me? Is W being nice to me to get a better D settlement? Is W fence sitting on D? At this point, I am taking her word that she wants to D and am going forward with my life.

h&c
(DS went 3 for 3 in latest baseball game. 2 singles, 1 double, and 1 walk)


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C,

Just curious again, but why have you not told your inlaws and kids the truth about WW's behavior and choices?

I made her telling her family a requirement of R, so there would be no pretense of who the perpetrator was.

We told our 2 kids of high school age because they know what cheating and adultery are, and again, they deserved to know why I was upset in general terms. As opposed to us losing the house or something like that...

My 2 oldest kids knowing has been helpful. They see "who we really are" without phoney masks and myths. They still love and will always love their mother. My son commented to my daughter, when asked why he wasn't angry, "it's hard to be mad at someone who has mental health issues."

In some ways your WW enjoying her shameful choices being kept a secret is a kind of cake-eating. She gets to act like she's some kind of saint (or magnanimous divorcee) while she is euthanizing the marriage.

How about that for an unsolicited opinion?

I will say that you do seem like you are doing better. I hope that is truly the case.

Jack

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 2:36 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl-
I'm sorry that your husband is not fighting for your marriage.
Instead he's taking a very passive approach-similar to what Nell's exH and Allgood's WH did.
They didn't want to divorce but would not actively fight for the marriage.

MCJack-
Great advice.

You know me.... I am the truth girl.
I think that the LTAs and all the toxicity that they brought into the marriages were shrouded in lies and secrecy.

I know now that I passively allowed my FWH to drink to excess during our marriage because I tried to cover it up and protect his image.

After d-day I decided that I would no longer keep his secrets.
I told everyone about the LTA.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for the advice on my situation. Honest that website is indeed full of greatness! I agree with the advice given. I am not ready to date and just need to need to get out side of my comfort zone with my regular group of friends.

HandC: Good job with not helping her pick out houses. I thik we are married to twins in that aspect. My WW did the same thing except she tried to show me model homes on her laptop. It's like they want to perma-friendzone us and think we are okay with it.

I try not to waste time trying to figure out her emotions. Does W care for me? Is W being nice to me to get a better D settlement? Is W fence sitting on D? At this point, I am taking her word that she wants to D and am going forward with my life.
This realization was a big one for me when I reached it. It didn't take long for my W to realize that I had officially abdicated my position as her "royal crutch". I found that I much preferred living in the present with a clear factual understanding of my situation than living "emotionally in the past" with a person that no longer existed.

Again I am not advocating D but I am advocating detaching. Detaching gave me the strength to move pasts my fears of being alone, my fears of the unknown, and gave me the strength to file for D since my WW said she wanted it in my case.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsflushed had a great post in General, I do not think I have ever seen this put so well:

ETA: your WW detached from you long ago when she started the A. IMO, by detaching yourself you put yourself on somewhat even emotional footing. She already broke the emotional bond with you and IMO you need to break the old emotional bond you have with your WW. That old bond is holding on to the old M. You hear people say all the time the old M is dead and you have to rebuild a new M. Well detaching gives you the ability to try to build a new M and emotional bond with your W from a place of something sort of like calm if that makes sense.

I could not agree more with his statement.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ATS for pointing out 7yrs comment:

IMO, by detaching yourself you put yourself on somewhat even emotional footing. She already broke the emotional bond with you and IMO you need to break the old emotional bond you have with your WW. That old bond is holding on to the old M.

It is something to think about even in an active R, and even if the so-called 'new' marriage is pretty good. It is holding on to the illusions of the past which cause more pain in the present.

When I think about my pain and suffering, in a way in is kind of self-inflicted psychologically.

The cycle goes:

Good things about 'new' marriage => Good feelings about M and WW => Internal confusion between old and new marriage => emotional investment in old marriage and illusion of WW => reality of A creates contradiction => emotional energy processing it and asking 'why' for the 1 millionth time => anguish and more grief created => return to 'new' marriage.

Happy monday!

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious again, but why have you not told your inlaws and kids the truth about WW's behavior and choices
?

MC_Jack.. telling the kids about W A? I solicited input on SI (and I think it was this thread) and the overwheliming advice was to NOT tell the children (all teenagers).

Telling the in laws. Post Dday, we (I) did not tell the inlaws as I did not want to inflict the pain of W;s choices on them. Something in me wants to allow them to maintain the wholesome view of their children. At one point during a visit by them, W considered telling her mom and decided not to tell her mom as this would have been a conduit to many, many relatives and family friends. I guess my love for my W was (is) still in the protective mode. And at that time, I thought we were trying to R.


A couple of weeks ago, I gave W several options to move the post D landscape along:

Option 0 - work on the M. If W chooses this then I will work hard on it.

Option 1 - W moves out and I stay in our home with the kids. I will pay for all of the kids expenses. W just needs to take care of herself. W would have unlimited visitation with the kids. We would fund kids college expenses from our current savings to be set aside.

Option 2 - W stays in the home with the kids and I move out - providing we have an acceptable plan to maintain my relationship with the kids. I would pay all of the kids direct expenses: health insurance, auto insurance, clothes, activities. I would not provide any support to ex W. Same deal on college expenses as option 1.

Option 3 and 4. We sould sell our home and each get a new place. Option 3 would be the kids with me and option 4 would be the kids live with her.

W was waiting to meet with CPA post tax filing to determine what was affordable for her.


So last night, W tells me she is tired of being in limbo and wants to move the D forward. W is looking for me to tell her whether to use an attorney (recommended by a friend) or a collaborative attorney (recommended by her IC). In her friends case, the attorney prepared the paperwork, emailed to H, and H responded with minor comment, and the deal was done. I explained to W that one cannot sub out the decisions on the D to others. The decisions are hers and mine to make. Others can counsel and draw up the legal agreements. But it is W and I that must engage and agree upon the terms.

W still feels that I should be providing spousal maintenance as she raised the kids (primarily) while I worked full time. Emotionally I cannot provide any financial support to her post D and my reply was that I gave W the opportunity to not work / stay with the kids, work full time, or workk part time. And W abused the privelege of not having to work full time by having the A. Also, we are splitting everything accumulated through my earnings during the M.


So, I am giving W options. I am giving W time to evaluate those options. And W is complainning that the D is not moving forward.

At least W acknowledged that I am being reasonable.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C:

the overwheliming advice was to NOT tell the children (all teenagers).

^^^ well, maybe I don't know what I am talking about. I think some people use the disclosure as a way to drive a wedge and include the kids as weapons of M warfare. I did not do that. Just told them how it was, and what we were doing about it. No name calling.

and my reply was that I gave W the opportunity to not work / stay with the kids, work full time, or work part time. And W abused the privelege of not having to work full time by having the A.

^^^ GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! Firm, reasonable, etc. shows you are taking care of yourself. WAY TO GO!!!


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys!

Last post before I head out to the Dominican. It is going to be the trip from hell. I should have never ever thought this was a good idea. I should have left him in feb, at the latest when I found the valentine card.

At one time this trip was supposed to be a honeymoon. My recordings tell me he is going to miss her and that he loves her more than anything. I know I shouldn't record anymore in some ways but it also reminds me of the truth too. He hasn't called this trip a honeymoon in a long time.

He snuck over to Sioux Falls last week and told me he was working, he didn't work a bit. My guts knew it, my recording confirms it.

We leave today and come back Sunday. Saturday night I am telling him I want the divorce as quick as possible.

I will have a drink and think about all of you going through this miserable hell! A new and better life is on its way for me!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You rock, gotta. You have a fantastic time and FTG! ((((gotta)))) Please post as soon as you get back home, we want to know how it all went. I'll be thinking of you.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Gotta)) - I hope you manage to have fun and enjoy yourself this trip. Have you ever heard the Andrew Lloyd Webber song "Tell me on a Sunday"? It came up on my iPod the other day and I thought about you and this trip. It's all about ending a relationship with a good day.

As for me, I've been riding roller coasters both real and emotional for the past few days. Take us to an amusement park on Saturday, talk about the future all day, then back to a D-bag pod person on Sunday and acting like I killed his cat ever since. My guess is the AP was ticked off about DD's Facebook pics of the happy family. On the plus side, I was able to step back from the vitriol and say 'this has nothing to do with me.'

How is everyone else doing?

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 7:45 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl: i am so sorry that your ws is not steppin up.....he seems to be doing stupid well...

gotta: try to enjoy your trip....and do as much on your own as you can..like from the minute you get to the hotel, go on your own


as for tellin the kids, especially teens...not until there is something to know that WILL affect their lives...and then they do need to know...not the details but the basics...

mom/dad cheated, i have decided to divorce and it will affect you in the following ways: where you will live and with whom, and the financial changes they will face!!!

but not until you have all those answers....and as for teens, you could also offer them the choice of whom they want to live with, if they are little people though, all of the kids should stay together....and all of the kids should live with one parent or the other unless they are older teens, like college age.....which is what i have, and then depending on the kid, the parent and the college sich (like the commute if not dorming) the kid may elect to stay with the parent that makes their life easier..


on the miracle front: the latest from pfm:

he wants me to start footing some of the bills that i am now working?, currently i am spending a good deal of it on "me", i bought myself an ipad, i go out to dinner with friends, go out dancing with friends....

i told him that if that was going to be the case then he could leave now, and we will go forward with the divorce now...he said no, and then he starts with.....he wants to get himself a real bed ( he currently sleeps on a chair and a half in the bedroom, has been since d-day), i told him he should move into the den and there he will have a real bed and we don't need to be the same room anymore all the kids know the future plans....his response.."YOU MOVE INTO THE DEN, i am staying put, this is my house and that is my bedroom"

and then i got..."I DID MY PENANCE, you are the one who refuses to reconcile"

is there a stronger word then "STUPID"....

for those of you who don't know my story...the basics...he cheated for the entire marriage, ow#1 was there before me and he loved her, ow#2 was there for 12 years....and then there were a few more between and then i stopped looking
he also squirreled away money and hid a whole bunch of it with his parents
he verbally and emotionally abused me daily ( i thought he was just over worked and had attachment issues with his parents and sisters)
and after i found out about his shit...he continued to lie and blameshift onto me.....i gave him 6 months...he chose to keep lying and i found out about #3 and #4....after that time period so i said "DONE"....the only thing worse then doing it for 6 months was doing it for 6 months and a day and so on....and he still continued to lie, you would think that he would show me a changed man, but nope...he also made a new friend that he told me about last year....
(i stayed within the marriage for my kids, another story another post, but i had and have a time limit for this because i wll divorce, its just a when)

and his response to the continued lies: "nobody's perfect"....and i should want to reconcile with this idiot...NOT!!!! ...anyways thats the latest drama in the miracle house...

(((((tribe)))))

and nofun....are you and yours ok?????please check in

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:04 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam,

somewhere in there is a good "you made your bed now sleep in it" response, but too busy this morning to tease it out.

DecimatedHeart,

'this has nothing to do with me.'

These were my saving words and mantra. When I was still in shock from dday and well before I found SI, we went to MC to assist with assumed pending D and he looked FWW in the eye and said your A had nothing to do with Atsenaotie. She protested and he called her out. That was the early beginning of my healing.

gotta,

I found that new environments and activities made detaching easier than routine, so get your start.

Speaking of detaching, FWW is up with her father (medical issue again) and sister and caught up into their drama. It cannot be a good sign of R that I am not missing her at all. Not saying I am glad she is gone, just that I ought to feel some change or loss?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know me.... I am the truth girl.
Well, I used to be the truth girl, but somehow the TT and lying by omission has turned me into someone secretive and furtive. Iíd much rather be free and open, but until I feel secure (one way or another), Iím going to keep my cards close to my chest plus a few up my sleeve.

h&c

the overwheliming advice was to NOT tell the children (all teenagers).
Well, I think this is the case for reconciliation. The less upset there was, the easier it would be to move forward. Of course the kids are going to ďknowĒ something is wrong Ė how can they not? I will be telling all the boys at some point. They may know far more than I give them credit for or it may come as a complete surprise (I expect this to be the case for DS3 who was 18 and had just split from a LT gf on d-day). DS1 was 21 and left home about 3wks later. DS2 was 20 and the most sensitive to what was happening Ė he was home from uni on summer holidays. I think I didnít want to put fWH into the gutter in their eyes Ė the fall would have been from the stratosphere. Not so much now though just because the three eldest havenít lived here for over three years.

The one I feel for is DS18. He is going to go through this on his own and without much support from his brothers. I do feel I have abandoned him somewhat and left him to his own devices. Heís not very confident and that may stem from some insecurity about us as a couple. That firm platform that the others had during their teenage years just hasnít been there for him.

Gotta,
If you are going to go, then enjoy it Ė and sod him! Have a great time!!

Heart,
Stepping back is a good thing, it helps you to see things with a little more clarity. And you are right, it has nothing, nothing to do with you. You are just fine as you are.

miracle,

"YOU MOVE INTO THE DEN, i am staying put, this is my house and that is my bedroom"
Oh good grief!!!
"nobody's perfect"....
Tell him youíd like to meet this person called Nobody since he seems to know him so wellÖÖÖÖ

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:33 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"....and i should want to reconcile with this idiot...NOT!!!!

miracle..it is awful to know that you are treated so poorly AND good to see that you deal with it so well! It definitely helps me deal with my own sad situation.

My W and I are both comfortable sharing our bedrrom and bed until we sort out the details of the D. We both get a comfortable nights sleep.

We have told our kids of the imminent D and I have also told my kids that it is W's choice to D. I am willing to work on the M. I have not told the kids about W;s A. At this point, they do not see much impact on their own lives and I hope that will be the case.

W seems more bitter and cold by the day (My perception only?). My emotions go up and down with an overall trend towards a more relaxed state of mind. I hope this continues.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C,

an overall trend towards a more relaxed state of mind. I hope this continues.

We do too!

W seems more bitter and cold by the day

Don't let it get you down. No rescuing please. Proceed on principle. Bring your feelings here not to your legal and logistical negotiations.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
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