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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HandC, wait until you detach further. The things your WW says and does on a daily basis will amaze you. I agree 100% with this statement:

IMHO I do not think my W has faced her actions.

From what you type your WW seems to be similar to my WW. They just want to keep on trucking and never actually own up to what they did because that would mean they actually did something wrong. Just 180 and detach and enjoy the show, once they decide they want out and we actually give them what they asked for it gets really interesting. They have no choice but to face reality but the interesting part comes in when they realize that REALITY is the world that we are living in and their FANTASY world does not exist. Keep detaching and focusing on you and things you want, the sooner you do that the sooner life starts to open up for you again. Tryn and others were right, the good is coming for you. You just have to go through this phase of stuff to get to it but if you keep focusing on things you want your heart catches up to your head that much quicker and your attitude changes as well. So mourn the M as you need to but remember to do things for you that make you happy, keep you entertained, and put a smile on your and your kids face each day. It does pay off.


Reunite: Make your wishes and presence KNOWN in your M. No more walking on eggshellz. It's okay to ask your W to make consessions to you. Some things must change after Dday in order for you to protect your own sanity. If something is gnawing at you make it known. If you want her to come home tell her you need her to come home or quit volleyball if needed. She has to decide which is more important to her, her M or her extracurricular activities. If YOU feel okay compromising with her then do so but if not then you maek your feelings and wishes known about it and sit back and watch her actions. Don't let things return to "normal". Normal no longer cuts it in your new M.

As for me it takes me longer to recover from weekends now. IN-house seperation blows but it sucks even more when your spouse seems to have the emotional mental capacity of a child. It's easier for me to just not talk to her at all. Weekdays are okay but being in the hosue with her on the weekends is like standign beside chalk baord with people running their fingernails over it all weekend. Now she seems irritated with me. I so bite my tongue instead fo saying everythign that has happened is a direct result of YOUR actions, how dare she be irritated with me yet i am supposed to be freindly with the person taht spent all fo our marriage either lying about an A or actively in an A. Like I said I just don't talk to her. I was pretty much gone with the kids all day Saturday but I only have 2 more months to go.

MC you have a beautiful daughter and congrats on your new movie opening on May 3, Tony Stark . I vote for Robert Downey Jr. as your twin.

IWAM congrats on the genius you are raising. I wish everyone well in their situations.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 4:14 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1559 | Registered: May 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C: One of the Ten Commandments? Ironic the WS's forget another: Do not commit adultery! Geez. They say so many things that you need to bite your tongue or we'd be arguing about everything that comes out of their mouths!

Miracle: Congrats on your daughter!! Wonderful news! Hang in there with pfm. As you keep telling me, keep detaching! Just laugh at him when he does something stupid.

Reunite: My first xWH played softball with all guys and always went to the bar after because the bar sponsered them. He would end up staying for hours and hours. With your WW, things are different now. She is on the slippery slope again. She needs to be spending more time with you and the kids. If she wants to go out after the games, you tell her that you guys will get a babysitter and you'll join her. Otherwise, she should be coming home. You are a married couple that SHARE childcare. She is getting some time to herself playing the games, which is fine, but she needs to get her priorities straight and that's spending time with her family.

7yrs: Try to hang in there. Keep posting here to keep you sane. Try to detach as much as possible and don't pay attention to what your WW says and does. You are not responsible for her moods or her happiness. She wants to be in a bad mood? That's her problem. She's not happy with you? That's her problem to deal with. Just be polite and business-like. Don't bother with any discussions or arguments. Hang in there.

As for me, there is a lot going on. NPD is still here. Getting a lot of work done in the backyard, I'm finally getting some dental work done. Going through paperwork to prepare myself for the S/D. Not sure when.

NPD will be bringing OW and OC's to the US in June He wants to bring the OC's to my house to visit our DS's! He's busy looking on the computer for a place for them to stay....it may be 2-4 weeks. Telling me that he will probably have them come here to the US to live and was thinking about buying the house down the street!

I told him he brings them, I want a divorce. He can do what ever he wants, but if he buys a house down the street or in the same town, I'm moving. I will be having NC.

So, right now, I'm trying to think with my head and not on emotion mind which I tend to do. Looking at paperwork, getting ready to see a lawyer when he leaves to go back this time. Trying to decide if I should wait until the end of the year to serve him when I'm more ready, or do it now. Doing it now is just acting emotionally. I'm not completely ready.

ETA: I cannot tell NPD what to do. I cannot control him. He will do whatever he wants when he wants irregardless of anyone's feelings. He simply doesn't care. One cannot poke the NPD bear. It's not worth it. <sigh>

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:40 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tonites convocation was really nice....and i got it wrong...yes she made the deans list, but you need to make that 2 years in a row for those honors....instead she is part of their honors program and all the honors students were given awards on completion of their courses for honors.....i am proud....


(((honest)))....ok first i am so so proud of you for taking the next step.....planning your s&d, i know its not easy, but very necessary.....so keep breathin....and keep steppin...as for when to pull the final trigger....you do it when youre ready.....just don't take to much longer, you have been living with the impossible for too long now as it is....

line up your ducks....just remember they don't have to line up single file or perfectly, just getting them all in the same place will be good enough!!!

7 years: oh boy can i relate......at least you have your goal in sight, so don't lose sight of it, keep it at the forefront of your mind, breathe and it will help.....they make it so much harder when they do stupid so well and worse when you feel like they need parenting and in turn to be disciplined or put in some kind of time out.....if only we had that power!!!

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday, we were wroking with DD and DS on a conflict and W says tp them "you must respect your parents, it is one of the ten commandments". I truly do not even know how to react.

Wow! I am not sure how you were able to hold back on asking her how many of the ten commandments she actually knows.


Thanks all for your great advice. I plan on talking to my WW about it this weekend - its been a very busy week for both of us. I think she can already tell that I am bothered by something. For me, I think it is a combination of triggers actually. The volleyball thing gets me in general - I think I can live with her still playing but the going out to the bars after just isn't something I am ready to deal with at this point.

I think the other thing that bothers me is just her having a network of friends that I don't really know. It sort of doesn't matter whether they are male or female friends really - her OM1 was a complete stranger to me, never knew of him the entire time. There was a time half way through her cheating that I had thought she might have been cheating on me - she was staying out way late - I actually just assumed it was likely a woman. I just find it hard to believe that for 12 years she was able to keep OM1 a secret to everyone else in the world.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 395 | Registered: Nov 2012
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I am back from the Dominican. After I relaxed a little I did have a good time. I had a lot of anxiety going, almost to a point where I thought I shouldn't go. We spent lots of time together and really enjoyed our time. I let go of the fantasy that it was a "honeymoon" because I know he is a liar. I thought as a wife I do deserve to have a good time on the trip and his ho can eat shit! So that allowed me to really have a good time. On the last night he said some right things and then again in the morning he said more. He hasn't admitted near what I know and for now I am sandbagging it to see what his next step is. This is probably chance 101!

We landed back home to terrible news with my dad. His brain cancer is progressing quickly and it is affecting his thought process. I have done nothing but work on doing the best for my dad since we arrived. He is totally different than when I left. It's hard to believe how fast that ugly cancer can take you down. I am really struggling with it. My dad and I have always been close. I have been fortunate enough to have them in my every day life all of my life.

I get angry sometimes and wonder how such bad things can happen at once but then I also think things happen for a reason. I think realizing my dad is dying in a miserable marriage will give me the push I need to make sure I don't die the same way. My parents should have divorced years ago and I won't let that be me.

I am recording my husband at home but I have been too busy to listen if he has been in touch with his ho. I'm sure he has been. This sounds horrible but part of me wants to show the world what he is if he is contacting her. I want to boot his ass under bright lights while my dad is struggling for his life. I want people to see my husband for what a cold hearted lying ass he is! I refuse to share this personal dying process with him if he is still contacting her. I am angry enough that she knows what she knows. The dying process is so personal that I believe it's going to be what pushes me to get him out of my life. I don't need this in my life.

Sorry I always post about myself, I have been pretty selfish that way. Right now I don't have a lot of time to keep up with everyone. I do skim through and try to read everyone's stories. My heart breaks for all of you going through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone except my husband and his ho. LOL My wish for them if we divorce is "may you cheat each other til death do you part" HAHA!

Take care everyone!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reunite: I think having a talk with WW would be the best thing to do. It is terrible how they could do this for soooo long and we don't know. But it is because it was so long and a way of life we didn't see the usual red flags because it was "normal" life.

gotta: I'm so sorry about your father. I will keep him in my thoughts and prayers. Right now you need to focus on you and your father. Don't worry what WH is doing. Ask for his help if you need it. You don't have to lean on him emotionally, but he can certainly help out with housework, cooking, etc when you are visiting your father.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I need to tell her that I expect her home at a reasonable time,
ReunitePangea..yes, you do! Several years ago, I was working overseas and my family lived overseas with me. W joined the local chapter of Hash House Harriers, "a drinking group with a running problem" M-F, I was at work 6 am to 8 pm (travel was awful) and W spent Sunday from 10 am - 8 pm with this group. Looking back, W was detaching from the M and this was time we should have spent together.


So, I am in a foul, foul mood today. :
Last night, W tells me that her aunt (whom I like) is moving out of her house becasus she lost all of her money in a ponzi scheme. This morning I asked W for her aunt's email address so I could drop a note expressing my sorrow over her loss. W says no. Maybe aunt does not want anyone to know. Maybe W parents exageratted the situation. WTF?

So tonight, W and I are planning session this Friday with certified divorce financial planner. It got testy. W tells me she needs to file now because I am hostile to her and it makes her uncomfortable. WTF? We have not agreed on a custody arrangement and W still insists that 1)I provide spousal maintenance and 2) she continue to work part time. Ugh!

So, paperwork needs to be filled out and W starts with how I do not appreciate that 1) she has taken care of the kids and me 2) she took on a part time job that brought in extra money 3) her day is hectic leaving work to come home and do things for the family... I responded that I do and have shown appreciation for the things she does... and then she went on and on and that is why the kids should stay with her... and I replied that my admirmation diminshed when she found time to bring another man into our home and f___ him on our sofa! And by the way I was working overseays 80-100 hours a week, sending money to provided for our family, and you were having an A.

And this is the woman that said she wanted a D and money is not a reason to say in the M. I agreed. Andnow she tells me that there will not be a lot of money left for her post D. Mind you, we will have enough to pay for private college for all three of our kids and she will have enough money to pay cask for a 300K+ home. She will get half of a substantial 401K.

Until tonight,I thought we would be able to work through a simple D. We findan equitable way to each spend time with our kids, divide our assestsequally, and each support ourselves. Now, I get it. She wants the family sans h&c and all the financial support h&c currently provides. Same situation as when she was in the A.


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I need to tell her that I expect her home at a reasonable time,
ReunitePangea..yes, you do! Several years ago, I was working overseas and my family lived overseas with me. W joined the local chapter of Hash House Harriers, "a drinking group with a running problem" M-F, I was at work 6 am to 8 pm (travel was awful) and W spent Sunday from 10 am - 8 pm with this group. Looking back, W was detaching from the M and this was time we should have spent together.


So, I am in a foul, foul mood today. :
Last night, W tells me that her aunt (whom I like) is moving out of her house becasus she lost all of her money in a ponzi scheme. This morning I asked W for her aunt's email address so I could drop a note expressing my sorrow over her loss. W says no. Maybe aunt does not want anyone to know. Maybe W parents exageratted the situation. WTF?

So tonight, W and I are planning session this Friday with certified divorce financial planner. It got testy. W tells me she needs to file now because I am hostile to her and it makes her uncomfortable. WTF? We have not agreed on a custody arrangement and W still insists that 1)I provide spousal maintenance and 2) she continue to work part time. Ugh!

So, paperwork needs to be filled out and W starts with how I do not appreciate that 1) she has taken care of the kids and me 2) she took on a part time job that brought in extra money 3) her day is hectic leaving work to come home and do things for the family... I responded that I do and have shown appreciation for the things she does... and then she went on and on and that is why the kids should stay with her... and I replied that my admirmation diminshed when she found time to bring another man into our home and f___ him on our sofa! And by the way I was working overseays 80-100 hours a week, sending money to provided for our family, and you were having an A.

And this is the woman that said she wanted a D and money is not a reason to say in the M. I agreed. Andnow she tells me that there will not be a lot of money left for her post D. Mind you, we will have enough to pay for private college for all three of our kids and she will have enough money to pay cask for a 300K+ home. She will get half of a substantial 401K.

Until tonight,I thought we would be able to work through a simple D. We findan equitable way to each spend time with our kids, divide our assestsequally, and each support ourselves. Now, I get it. She wants the family sans h&c and all the financial support h&c currently provides. Same situation as when she was in the A.

A very, very foul mood.

This D cannot happen fast enough and I have too much character to kick her out or move out and let everything fall apart. Need to have a plan where she will live and if that plan involves selling our house then that needs to be set in motion first.

Infidelity stinks!!!

h&c
I will be better before I go to sleep.


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&C-
this is why you need to get your own lawyer. Someone who represents just you and can advise you through this process.
It sounds like it will get ugly.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until tonight,I thought we would be able to work through a simple D. We findan equitable way to each spend time with our kids, divide our assestsequally, and each support ourselves. Now, I get it. She wants the family sans h&c and all the financial support h&c currently provides. Same situation as when she was in the A.

H&C: I'm sorry, but you are right. This is cake eating at its best. Of course she' still living in fantasy land. Somehow if you two D, the money is going to be the same!! This is one of the many consequences of the A that she refuses to see.
There are divorce mediators that you could perhaps see, or if WW continues to be a pain like this, you will need to let the lawyers handle it.
I'm so sorry.

Don't listen to all her BS. What she's talking about doing in the M is normal stuff that everyone does. Yes, it is very difficult, but that's the way life is for most people who have kids.

Hang in there. Keep posting.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest-
I didn't have a chance to comment on the latest developments in your life.
The NPD has sunk to a new low!
You are so right-you need to get your ducks in a row ASAP. I'm glad that you are getting the advice of an attorney.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Njgal: Oh yes, a real new low. All kinds of lovely shit spewing out of his mouth like if my DS's don't want to be with his OC's it's MY fault. I poisoned them he says.

All kinds of irrational crap.

And then he tells me he loves me

He is a NPD to the nth degree. God help me.

I'm just trying to put one foot forward at a time. At least I'm starting to make plans to be out of limbo. I know that there will be a war ahead.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C,

I am sorry to read that what we all suspected is now true.

So, please stop being Mr. Nice Guy. There is nothing about asking someone to leave the house who does not want to be part of your family that shows bad character.

Tell your kids and WW's family the BASIC truth like what njgal outlined above. You are not a character in a novel. You do not have to follow some chivalry motif that you seem to want in order to give yourself meaning.

Your WW is not your friend anymore. Think of her as a subcontractor or sub-consultant who has been seriously negligent and irreparable damaged your project; you have to make an E&O claim and case in order to preserve yourself. Prosecute that claim, my man!

Show your kids strength: not the strength of believing in illusion, but that of 'tough love' and real consequences of choices.

You have tried so hard to save your M. Now put even more energy into saving yourself and insuring FAIRNESS.

Such fairness does include her leaving and figuring out ON HER OWN how to manage. You still want to rescue her and project control the process. Let her sink and swim.

That is my advice, again unsolicited. But we all care about you and have admired your effort toward R and your dedication to A MATURE love of a woman. We want you not to be left in the lurch, but coming out empowered to find a quality woman in your next phase. So you be quality now H&C, and that means letting WW fend for herself and reaping what she has sown.

Yes infidelity does stink. But your kind of situation stinks the worst and we sympathize.

Jack

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 4:19 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, I get it. She wants the family sans h&c and all the financial support h&c currently provides. Same situation as when she was in the A.

OK, so now you see your spouse for who she is, you can move towards an authentic life.

Need to have a plan where she will live and if that plan involves selling our house then that needs to be set in motion first.

Having started down this path a couple of times I suggest that how and where she lives is not at all your concern. Anything you help with or suggest will not be good enough for your WW unless it is the house with you moved out or a luxury condo. This is essentially what my FWW wanted. This last time I did not try to help, she knew what money she had, and if she wanted more in a D settlement she knew it would come from college for DS or OUR retirement money and I have many more work years to rebuild that for me. She realized there was not going to be a "nice little house" somewhere, but a shared room or small apartment. I was clear that if I was out of the house all the care and repairs were on her.

As the Duke would say, time to saddle up and start moving your herd. An attorney is an unfortunate but necessary part of D. Mine told me to do things like stop paying on the house mortgage, keep a log of what I did with and for the kids. He did not tell me how to hide money, but told me how it would be discovered for settlement, and so what was left unsaid was clear.

H&C, from your posts you seem a smart and resourceful man. Put these talents to use. You can be as nice and supportive to your WW as you want AFTER the D. For now, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children.

honesttoafault, Can NPD "buy" you out of the house so that you can move on? Maybe his actions recently will ultimately be good in that they may bring things to a head for you.

...wait until the end of the year to serve him when I'm more ready, or do it now. Doing it now is just acting emotionally. I'm not completely ready.

ANNOYING QUOTE MODE ON: You will never be completely ready. There is no time like the present. Remember, a real decision is measured by the fact that youíve taken new action. If thereís no action, you havenít truly decided. If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, youíll never get it done. Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
ANNOYING QUOTE MODE OFF

Please keep us up-dated. We all want the best and some happiness for you.

Hi iwam, congratulations on your DD's honors. It is nice to have you back active in our little group.

RP, after dday there were some things I needed from FWW and things I wanted in order for ME to be happy and fulfilled in the relationship. Were all of them fair or reasonable, probably not, but it is what it was. That was me, the post dday me, and those were my needs and wants. FWW could either meet all of my needs in the M, and many/most of my wants, or we could separate and D. No hard feelings, just is what it is. Her decision to decide if M to me was worth it and if it was meeting HER needs. I am much more self-centered after dday. I look out for my interests and happiness. I am much less willing to sacrifice for FWW, and at the same time more expecting that she sacrifice for me. I see this as the pendulum swinging, and after it had swung a loooooong way her direction, it takes some back and forth to settle back.

Welcome back gotta2know. I am glad the trip did not suck. You do not need to go through anymore recordings to know who your WH is and what he is doing. One benchmark in my recovery was when I no longer felt the need to prove what A and other crap FWW was doing that damaged the M. I decided I had proven my case, and it was now her responsibility to prove to me if she wanted to be M to me, and if she could meet my expectations for a W. Proof can be a hard thing to achieve, but that was her problem from that point on. It was no longer my responsibility to discern if she was or was not onboard with the M.

Tryn, if you are lurking out there, Hi!

Laura28, can't wait to see what you post for stupid picture Friday tomorrow.

old_dipstick, I think I am going to have a new grill in my future. After a couple of rebuilds and work, I think my Weber Genesis Silver is on its last legs, literally. They are rusted through. I do not think I can afford a Green Egg, but hoping to find something with a lot of heat.

I am back to bicycle commuting (10 miles each way). It is taking some time to build back into shape, but it feels great.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Diva0702
♀ Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone,

Although I have been on this site for a little while and posted frequently in other forums, I have never posted here because I'm not sure that I should intrude on what appears to be such a long standing and close knit community within the SI community.

My FWH had a near 4 year (long distance) A that ended (of a fashion) when I discovered it in March 2010. Trying to recover is such a minefield isn't it? In between shaking my head and wagging my finger at H (he works away from home for periods at sea, and has periodically been a f*****g B*****d using the internet to entertain himself 'chatting' to whores) I have now reached my level of saturation and have called in my last sick day so to speak. In short he has been told after the last episode of porn and 'chat' (makes me sick just writing it) that I can no longer disrespect myself by allowing this clandestine sick and disrespectful behaviour to invade my life. He is now in hypnotherapy of his own volition. Time will tell, but now he is fully aware that I REALLY mean it because I DO mean it. One more little teeny weeny indiscretion and he is history.

Sorry, that went on a bit! Anyway, I was very aware of the fact that during his A with the bunny boiler, she worked really, really hard at being me to try to get him to leave, and when he consitantly refused she resorted to threats and blackmail, but all this is in my profile, which needs updating to incorporate recent events.

I don't want to feel like a fraud for being here, so please someone tell me, do I fit here??


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HandC: It's likely going to get worse. She expects that you will continue to be the "nice guy" and take care of her while she stomps all over you and any and everyone else that gets inbetween her and her fantasy. As she has shown, you when you stop being Mr. nice guy and inject reality into her situation YOU become the bad guy to her. Because you know nothing is ever their fault.

IMO rip the band-aid off now. Get yourself a lawyer that represents only your interests and come up with a settlement agreement that YOU want. Then you have a negotiating point to start with. The last thing you want is the true anger and disgust stage to hit AFTER you have given her more than you realized.

Get the lawyer then rip the bandaid off. In a nonjudgemental way expose her to her family, friends, and anyone else in the community that does not know. If you don't then as this goes on SHE will tell these people her side of the story which will minimize her faults and all the blame will lie on you. Initially my WW told people that she was unhappy but there was someone else but that ended it some time ago. She sugarcoated the hell out of it but she was telling people a watered down version of the truth. After the settlement and I had 180'd and detached all of a sudden we were just unhappy in the M when she told people. She was already back to protecting her reputation and damned it all to hell what people thought about me. I had already told anyone who I was close with and could care less about her friends but if there are people in your situation that don't know you may want to consider telling them something. Completely up to you but as her fantasy crumbles you will increasingly become the evil person in her eyes that hurt her.
Pretty much the only thing I did right was getting an agreement in place with my WW while she still felt guilty and had pride preventing her from asking for more. I got what I wanted. She will never admit it but I KNOW she is kicking herself for that now. Guess what NOT my PROBLEM to worry about for her either. My only loyalty remains with my children who will always have a home and support from me. She should have thought about what she would lose when she was bangin OM for years.

Yes, I am a little pissed for you because I see your WW doing some of the crap my WW is/was doing. The evil comes out when reality starts to infringe on their fantasy so YOU be strong and push as hard as you feel is needed to make sure you are okay. They don't fight for the marriage but damn sure feel they need to fight for half or more of our SHIT when they screwed the M up in the first place.

If neither of you is willing to leave during the process then you also will need to identify or locate your inner asshole. It's pretty easy to find once you detach. I needed to identify mine for 2 reasons. The first was so I could supress it if needed until the papers were signed. The 2nd was for when she went all wishy washy on her feelings and I could call bullshit and remind her that her fucking another guy for 3 years was the reason she was in this siutation not something I did or did not do. Be nice but firm, remember it's a business decision.

Also it may seem shitty but I promise you once you are detached and the process has started you WILL start to feel better the anxiety switches from fear of the unknown and loss of the M to anxiety because you can't start your new life and the new challenges awaiting you RIGHT THIS SECOND. Do I expect single life and coparenting to be easy, not at all, but I am SOOOOO looking forward to it.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1559 | Registered: May 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to feel like a fraud for being here, so please someone tell me, do I fit here??

Welcome Diva You will fit in just fine. Feel free to post, ask questions, offer advice. We are all here to support each other and help each other get through to the other side. If you have read through the thread some you will see that some of us are in R, some in limbo, some in D, and no one judges anyone but supports them in trying to move in a positive direction no matter what that direction may be.

I hope your WH continues to show you consistent actions over time. There are some very smart people in here that helped me through some tough times so keep posting and again welcome.


Gotta: Glad you had a good time on your trip and I am so sorry for the bad turn with your Father. Take care of yourself and take it one day at a time.

DecimatedHeart: You still out there? I hope things are goign okay for you.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:28 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1559 | Registered: May 2011
Diva0702
♀ Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thankyou 7rs, for your kindness. I admit to sometimes not being able to 'take my own advice'!

As this latest episode of poor behaviour was just a couple of months ago, I reserve judgment and my dignity while he goes through his own process, but at the moment he is at work and has been for 2 weeks and is due home on the 9th of May. At this time he has worked on two ships, this one has no internet access the only internet access is available to the captain in his cabin only), and the other with limited access and poor connections (which is common on many seafaring vessels, and as I have insisted that his laptop stays at home, the only possible access he might have is through his phone, which again is limited. Can only be a good thing at the moment.

Having said all that, we are all aware here on this site, that we become finely tuned to our instinctive radar, and he has been showing loving behaviours since I called him out and he has entered hypnotherapy. (We are in MC when he is at home also). I 'feel' his efforts and honesty, and even when I have moments of doubt and reiterate these to him when he calls me (commonly three or four times during the course of the day), he is reassuring and behaving in a way that he has NEVER behaved in the 24 years we have been together! It is positively awe inspiring the effort he is making at the moment, and I continue to tell him how much I appreciate this man who is my husband NOW.

I try hard not to doubt that it can remain this way, as it seems too good to be true after such a long time living with a man who has never treated me with such reverence and respectful openess,(not that he has ever been cruel or deliberately abusive: A aside) but simply appreciate what he is doing to ensure a healthier marriage for us in the future. My optimism is tempered with cautious self respect, which I think is probably the most healthy way for me to approach it.

I don't want to throw myself back in the water without a life jacket!

Has anyone else been here before?


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Diva - you definately qualify for our LTA club. We all are in a variety of different situations but we all share having to deal with a long term affair. It has been a help to me finding people that can relate to these LTA's and the different issues they bring.

I don't want to throw myself back in the water without a life jacket!

Has anyone else been here before?

I think we all are very cautious with these LTAs. It's not like we are dealing with a drunken ONS. While those with a ONS have their own issues to deal with, we are dealing with having to change a behavior that went on for many, many years. To me it has felt very much like 2 steps forward followed by 1 step back. Of course I was one of those naive BS's that thought I was strong enough to deal with my WWs LTA in a couple months. 6 months out I am still dealing with it of course.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 395 | Registered: Nov 2012
Diva0702
♀ Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thankyou reunite for your kindness.

I try not to ruminate for lengthy periods, but when I do consider the length of time my H was involved with the 'fuckpig' as he so eloquently terms her (?), I am sometimes caught unaware when the thought of his living that 'double life' (albeit over relatively intermittent periods) causes the bile in my gut to rise.

I think the thing that is still so nauseating for me is that she treated him like he was her husband while he stayed at her house, and even at dday, when he called her to end it, he said (to an answer machine incidentally), "Diva knows. I won't be coming back, I am staying here in Devon with my wife'.

When I approached this latterly, he said that when he told her he was going home she would say, "This is your home", to which he would usually reply, "No it isn't". It must be said that he has consistently told me that every time she asked him to leave me, he always said that he would not do that. I believe that that is the truth as he has never wavered from it no matter how clever I have been to navigate around the question to ellicit a 'different' answer. I believe this made her work even harder to get him, because she often resorted to threats and blackmail in some form or other. He also told me that she would say often, "You'll change your mind one day". Well he did that didn't he, but certainly not in her favour!

Has anybody had these feelings of the 'other life' where their H/W has spent short periods living with the AP? By short I mean in my case anything fron 2-3 days to a week or two at most (he would do this after arriving back into the country from working at sea abroad before coming home to me, and then leaving home early so that he could spend a few days with her before returning to work).

I would be interested to know if anyone else has been in a situation like mine?


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
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