if she was a full time mom, and a hands on mom
H&C: Have you decided what you would do with the marital home after the kids are older? Are you going to sell and split the proceeds when the kids get to a certain age? This can have a bearing on who stays and who goes. Also, you may want to ask the kids what they would prefer. It's a difficult thing, but they are in HS and may want to have a say in what is going on. For the kids, it's best that there will be the least disruption to their everyday lives. It's terrible that the WS can do what they did and then seem like they get "rewarded" for their deeds.
My current thoughts, and they change daily, is that I would stay in the home until the youngest goes to college. W would buy a place of her own with the kids saying with her during the week which I belive they would be comfortable doing. And the kids could hang out with me on the weekends with all the surroundings that they are accostomed.
Keeping the home keeps DS in the same HS and does not require W to buy home within the assigned area. More flexibility.
I am thinking that this will go a long way towards solving the custody and financial issues. The kids will have a place that they want to come back to and W will be able to choose a more affordable place to live.
Today, we went and saw a Certified Divorce Financial Planner. Positive is that it will help W understand some of the finances she will face avoid the h&c took advantage of me. Negative is that the CDFP presented the perspective that our future financial state should be equal Advice to you great ladies heading to D - get your WS to a CDFP and use the CDFA to coax your WS into a better settlement. You deserve everything you can get.
as for staying til he is done with high school...that is of course a choice...its a hard one, im livin it....there are days i regret it, but i know i would regret it more if i didn't....my kids come first...but soon my time will come...my youngest graduates this june....so my end is comin closer...its been a long long road....4 and a half years its been...and on sunday i will be married 24 years....
trust: you do sound strong to me...its ok you lost it....your losing it in only a somewhat destructive way...who needs coke anyways...
and you don't owe him nice, you don't owe him respect, hell you don't owe him anything....as for trust....NOT....you gotta love these idiots....apparantly since they are so stupid they assume we are too....trust.....hell NO....
if you need to tell him a thing or 2, i say you are entitled...at least for a bit...and then when its time, you will need to move on and he won't be worth the extra energy....he is not worth it now, but methinks you got some to spare in the form of some anger....and hurt....don't let it define you and don't let it become all of who you are and finally don't let it be all there is.....we were handed a raw deal...it is what it is and it will become what we make of it....or don't!!!
Trust, my heart feels so much for you. I have watched you post many times, and I have to say that I have great admiration for your tenacity and fortitude.
You are absolutely right of course, you most certainly do deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. We ALL do.
I'm so sorry you have to suffer this terribly stressful time sharing your home with a man who seems unable to offer you the dignity of truth.
You will be in my thoughts today.
I so wished I would have done this 18months ago on DDay#1. I hired an attorney when I first found out. Just before they served him, I called and cancelled the D. He so wanted his marriage, you know. She means nothing to him. He didn't want a D. He would do anything after DDay#2. He did nothing but the bare minimum and now I am faced with DDay#3. He hasn't offered to be the best husband in the world this time. I guess he knows I am through. I have never told him I didn't love him anymore until yesterday. I just couldn't bring myself to say it before and tried my best to save my marriage. I can honestly say I gave it my all. I have bit my tongue so many times in the last 18months so I guess that's why I totally lost it yesterday. I almost threw the whole glass at his head instead of just the coke. I really wanted to slap him upside his stupid head, but I couldn't lower myself to do that. I did lower myself with the words that came out of my mouth though. I am sure I will regret saying alot of stuff I said, but I have never been so angry in my entire life. Makes me glad I don't have close neighbors now. I hate someone to stand there and lie to my face while looking me in the eye. That's why I threw the coke in his face. I can honestly see how someone could shoot their WS in a fit of anger, not that I would do that, but I can see how it happens and that's scary.
He is not going to leave on his own it looks like, so I will have to have him booted to the curb by my lawyer. Why do they continue to stay even after you tell them it is over? Why do they stay even though they don't want you and they can't maintain NC with the AP? This is no longer his safe haven and hopefully he will eventually get tired of the silence from me and leave. Maybe I should now make his life a living hell and that will make him leave and go to his precious OW. Has anyone tried this on their WS to get them out? I can not stand the thought of him being here every night until he is served.
as for getting him out...i can't help you on that one...i will prob have the same issue when the time comes for me in my sich...
as for making his life a living hell...is he really worth all that energy, live your life, do what you need to do to get well, and let the lawyers work it out with the judge...step back from him and 180 his ass.....
in the interim, if you feel that need every now and then to lash out verbally, i say go for it...but say what you gotta say and then step away...don't let it consume you, it easily can ...
about housing decisions post d-day......
don't assume anything until the process begins.
The financial settlements may make the decisions for you.
The courts may make the decisions for you as well.
It will most likely be a cut and dry decision in terms of division of assets.
There may not be a way to hold on to the house.
It may have to be sold and the proceeds divided evenly among you.
Or, after the WS realizes that the divorce is inevitable they may give up the fight for the house.
I think that the biggest worries teens have is leaving their friends and school.
As long as they can continue in their high school I'm sure they will be ok with the living arrangements.
My niece and nephew did very well even after a fairly acrimonious divorce.
My ex brother in law ended up renting a place very near my sister and made sure that there were bedrooms for each of the kids.
They helped decorate the room and make it feel like their own place.
They stayed with their father during the week and on alternate weekends-sometimes more often.
They traveled with him on extended vacations during the summer etc.
Both of the kids went on to become very successful adults.
Trust- I looked into divorce right after d-day and found out that in my state if the grounds for divorce was infidelity then the entire process could be rushed through the courts and the divorce could be final in a matter of months.
I guess the courts realize that living under one roof after discovering infidelity is extremely difficult.
Don't know what the laws are like in your state -hopefully an attorney will be able to advise you as to how best to proceed.
when we were looking for a house 13 years ago we actually looked in jersey and in Long Island...and he wanted Long Island....he got what he wanted as he almost always did....damn....
well he aint gettin what he wants anymore....cause what he wants is me.... and he can't have me anymore!!!!
[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:20 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]
I am three years out from dday (although earlier this year there was another dday involving issues that are no longer affected by the A as such), but since this latest revelation, I can honestly tell you that H is working 200% hard at repair.
Forgivenss? I personally think forgiveness is not even the right word to use for what happens in this awful situation. I would dare to venture that perhaps the word 'willingness' might be better suited.
We may become willing to trust more in the event of visible actions by our FWS, we may become willing to accept some of the thoughts we have periodically that we no longer feel crushingly painful and so unimportant that we do not voice them to our Spouse, we may willingly agree with our S that some of the damage has dissipated and certain parts of us healed to some extent, we may be willing to allow some of the smaller issues that no longer cause pain to dissipate, we may be willing to concede the need to check, validate and confirm as we feel safer within the marriage, we may willingly accept that we have received all the information we needed, been through all the TT's and come out on the other side satisfied that there is nothing left to discover/uncover with that knowledge deep in our hearts as confirmation, but forgiveness? That's an awfully big thing to do in a situation like ours, and I would think we might reserve the right to only use such a term when we are in a place of safety, security, and devoted sharing to such a degree that trust allows us to consider it.
I hope I have not offended anyone here with my thoughts on terminology, and of course apologies if I have. These are simply my own considerations.
I am however, delighted to share in your quiet confidence that things are inmproving for you manybrokenpieces, and long may it continue to fill your heart with hope.
I'm glad to hear that your WS is clean and sober.
That was huge for me.
The longer that I saw my FWH doing the right thing,working on himself in IC, going to AA meetings, making changes in himself- the closer I got to acceptance,and like Diva says " a willingness " to try to work towards forgiveness and reconciliation.
A LTA is a trauma.
And it takes a long time to heal from the trauma as well as to begin to let down your guard and begin to trust that maybe what the FWS is now saying is true.
It came in steps for me.
I kicked FWH out after d-day and we were separated for 6 months.
The first few months we had very limited contact.
I was sure we were heading for divorce.
But, slowly, his actions showed me that maybe there was a chance for reconciliation.
We took baby steps.
IC for him, IC for me.
After 3 months of separation I agreed to try MC.
After 6 months I agreed to a re-commitment ceremony and then FWH moving back home.
But, even then when we read our promises to each other.
We did not renew our vows
per se. He promised me many things, and asked for forgiveness etc.
All I could muster at that point was to make a commitment to try to work on saving our marriage.
So he moved back home and we were reconciled in a sense because we were not living apart and planning on divorce.
But, it took several years for me to get to a point of acceptance. Finally, accepting that the LTA did happen (this was part of my PTSD) and then slowly I inched toward understanding and forgiveness.
Some would say that by agreeing to reconcile after infidelity you are already showing the WS forgiveness and unconditional love.
I told him I would no longer tolerate the rug sweeping or any more lies from him (even lies of omission). I told him this had as much to do with me as it did him because we are married. He agreed that he just had wanted us to get back to the way we used to be and he had really been trying ( very sweet to me, home every night,letting me know where he is at all times, transparency with his phone, up until this NC with OW since DDay#2, and showing me his paycheck and banking/savings/credit cards accounts.) He said he didn't know what else to do. He said it made him sick everyday what he did to me and to us.
Like I told him I am not the warden and I am tired of being put in that position for the last 1.5yrs. I told him that sweeping it under the rug did nothing to help me. I told him he has still not revealed everything about the affair nor has he sought help in finding out why he did it. I told him he has only done a small part of what needed to be done to R at this point and that not talking about it was not the answer and was causing me to detach from him and the marriage.
I let him know that I could no longer remain in this marriage if he wasn't going to face his issues of alcoholism and this LTA. I told him while he swept it under the rug, I have been hurting and that I am no longer willing to just let this go on. It has majorly affected my health and my own mental well being and I am not willing to go on like this anymore.
I explained the damage of TT and the tiggers I face on a daily basis. He said he is willing to do whatever I ask now because he hates himself for what he has done. He said it now just makes him sick to even think about it. He agreed to MC and we will have more discussions this evening as I told him I can no longer ignore the elephant in the room and neither could he. It was the first discussion we have had since DDay#2 (last July) that he hasn't gotten defensive or acted aggrivated. Do you think it is possible that he may be willing at last to face this and work toward R or am I being a fool again for hoping that maybe we can actually start the process of R. If I need 2x4's I am willing to stand and take them. Sorry about the long post. As usual I am thinking out loud to whoever will listen.
I am getting to a point where I think I may have accepted the physical part to my H's A. At least how he describes it. But the great difference between how MOW described the emotional aspect and how H dismisses it still nags at me.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Do you think it is possible that he may be willing at last to face this and work toward R or am I being a fool again for hoping that maybe we can actually start the process of R.
I gues that was long way of saying if he is serious, one thing you could do is tell him you want an agreement done with XYZ terms in it and if he was serious about R then you would try but if he was lying then the agreement was already in place and he was gone. Put whatever terms you feel you need in it. Set up a meeting with your lawyer and have him cover the agreement terms with your WH. If he agrees then at least you have some of the legal stuff done up front and if he doesn't it may give you an idea of where his head really is.
In the end though do what you feel is best and since I am not a lawyer, talk with a lawyer to make sure what I suggested is allowed in your state if it's something you are thinking about. If you WH is feeling regret and not remorse then I say use it especially if you think you may face a heated D if it gets to that point.
Either way the luurrve that people in A's feel isn't real. They are actually using each other to satisfy some emptiness in them. Just my 2 cents.
I think WH#2 knows I am serious about what I say. I told him my conditions and told him we would discuss them more tonight. I think he is actually starting to see what he has done and is hopefully getting more remorseful for the damage he has caused. I think I got it across to him that we must be able to discuss the A in order to put it behind us. Rug sweeping is no longer an option. I guess his actions will show his intent on R. He did do a first today.
Last night he said he was getting spells of dizziness. I took his BP and it was really low. He currently takes 3 pills a day for BP. I took it this morning and it was normal. He has lost about 20 lbs lately and I told him that he was taking to much BP medication. To not take it this morning and I will check it again when he gets home and adjust his meds accordingly. I called to remind him that he needed to call the doctor and make an appointment. He said no...I am going to worry about your health first and then I will deal with mine. I told him to make the appointment. It's just proof to me that he is thinking about me and starting to lose some of his selfishness that he has developed since he started his affair. I hope that doesn't sound like wishful thinking on my part. Guess I will see what he does.
I posted a question here before reacquainting myself with what has been going on in the LTA forum.
In going back now, I can see the pain of others that requires more immediate feedback.
One day, I hope I can be in a position to give back.
It is good to know you are all here.