You are letting your heart rule your head. If you keep feeling sad that the woman who thought so little of you that she snuck around behind your back to get her jollies while taking advantage of the life you provided for her... and now she is crying big tears about having to sleep in the bed she made... STOP IT and let lawyers deal with it. If you can't get through this without emotions (and that is okay and normal), then step back and let lawyers deal with it. I'm truly afraid that you're going to walk away having gotten financially screwed on top of having gotten emotionally screwed. Take care of YOU.
With caring and cyberhugs,
IWAM - I am from LI too. My understanding is that NY law does allow for divorce based on infidelity as long as the BS leaves after D-Day. If you are intimate after D-Day or attempt to reconcile, it is considered 'condoning' the A, which I think is BS, but that's the way it is. However, new D-Day = new chance to leave on that basis. I don't know if it applies to you, but you can also file based on constructive abandonment (repeated rejection of intimacy over a long period of time).
H&C - I agree with MC, please don't let her pull your heartstrings and pursestrings any longer. She doesn't deserve control over either. You are too good a person to be dealing with this. ((h&c)).
TrustGone - I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. You are in my thoughts, though. ((TG))
All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)
DD has been sick past three days and stayed home from school, so I had to postpone my bloodwork until Thursday. WH is anxious for me to get it done, but I think it's more because he wants to make sure there's not something seriously wrong with me before he throws me and DD to the curb for the OW, as opposed to genuine concern for my health. He is still bouncing back and forth between saccharine sweet and insisting on waiting on me hand and foot (whether I want him to or not) or being a total jerk.
Honestly, as brokenhearted as I am about it, I think I'm done. When he's happy, I wonder if it's because he saw her. When he's a D-bag, I wonder if it's because he had a fight with her. I can't stomach that he saw her again last week, I am tired of my chest hurting when he hides in the bathroom for 45 minutes at a pop with his phone or quickly changes his screen when I enter the room. Just this weekend he showed me something on his computer he wanted to buy and thoughtlessly opened a new tab in front of me. OW's FB page is on his most frequently viewed list. It just hurts so much, and I can't take it anymore. At least if I leave, I won't have to watch as he crushes the last shattered pieces of my soul.
Plus, DD has had enough. She saw the tab for OW's FB page too and was really upset. Wrote this poem:
I'm just tired...
TIRED of being lied to
TIRED of being treated like an idiot
TIRED of being hurt
TIRED of having fake hope
TIRED of being sad
TIRED of being betrayed
TIRED of being last
TIRED of being angry
TIRED of being played
TIRED of being treated like a child
TIRED of not being happy
TIRED of not smiling
TIRED of this being true
TIRED of having to deal with this
TIRED of being this way
So ya... I'm just tired...
So ya... I'm just tired...
It's time to put an end to this. He's not going to wake up. He's not going to stop hurting us, because I'm letting him. By staying, I'm just allowing him to pile this pain on me and DD. It almost doesn't matter what's wrong with my heart in the physical sense -- what's hurting my heart in the emotional sense is causing much more damage.
More importantly, I can't allow DD to grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to be treated by someone who swore to love and protect you always and forever.
Took her and her BF on an outing last weekend and there was a guy there with his daughter - obviously single dad - and he started flirting with me. Usually I would smile, politely tell them I'm married and think nothing of it. I did politely blow the guy off, but it left this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach all day that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm holding on to a marriage that my WH has all but left behind already. Maybe because I am being loyal to someone who has no interest in being loyal to me? I don't know. But it really didn't settle well with me, kwim?
SOOOO... I am focusing on getting my health in order while I still have insurance, finding a place to live, finding a job, and keeping my DD happy and stable. I saw part of Sleepless in Seattle the other day where Tom Hanks said he was going to get out of bed in the morning, breathe in and out all day long, and hope tomorrow it hurts a little less than today. That about sums it up for me right now.
[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 5:00 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]
sorry to see that the shitstorm has not abated, nor does it look like it will.
When I looked back on your favorite movies list and your background info that you posted early on, I was thinking what a catch! Next you're going to say that you have your own NFL season tickets and like bass fishing! You get what I am saying. We need Trynhard to reprise a quality woman commentary.
Hope you can make it through. Its nice to have the love of children.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 8:14 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
TIRED of being last
i gotta say, you have lots in common with honest....only with honest her ws does it all in front of her...and it really really hurts.....
step back from him as much as you possibly can...and yes i know much easter said then done....but the more you step back the easier it will get, kind of like practice makes perfect kind of thing...
hope: i also think you need to lawyer up....you need to do what is best for your kids first and then you...she comes dead last on this one...and i gottat say i give you lots of credit for not snappin at her, i would have definitely swung a sarcastic comment straight at her.....and i don't think i would be nice sarcastic but truly nasty about it...
you are a very gracious man....and i am so sorry for all your pain...
its one thing we ALL have in common...the pain of it all, no matter what we decide to do, no matter the circumstances we ALL feel the pain...and we feel it for each other...its one of the blessings of this site....and its not a misery loves company kind of thing, but rather WE ARE NOT ALONE!!...there are people who understand!!
H&C - that was the line that stood out to me, too. She told me she was glad she was first to me, at least, because she felt like she came in last with WH, after OW and his parents. Breaks my heart. WH was always the ultimate family guy. At neighborhood block parties, we were always the ones with the kids while the other parents were too busy getting drunk. Now he puts the blinders on or couldn't care less.
IWAM - yes, it really, really hurts. The A, I could have gotten over. This torture - I can't see past it.
Last night, WH comes home late again. He ordered me a tablet with airline miles as a mother's day present, so he gave it to me early (DD has been complaining about me stealing hers lol). He waxed poetic about how good dinner was. Was engaged, joking and talking and seemed really THERE. No extended bathroom breaks, and the one time he was in there, he called me in to see his FB page as if to prove he wasn't doing anything shady.
AND THEN... I saw the hickeys. Two quarter sized blood bruises behind his ear on his neck. Ladies, remember back in high school when you would get busted with hickeys on your neck and you tried to say it was a curling iron burn? Yeah, it was like that. First tried to claim he didn't see anything. Then gave me the angry/indignant 'how could you think that' look. Followed by "I must have bruised my neck in the gym and not noticed." Seriously?! He refused to admit they were hickeys. But they were.
I started to have a panic attack, which he outright ignored while DD was telling me to take deep breaths, but it only lasted a minute before a little voice in the back of my head started saying FTG on repeat. Calmed me right down.
OW did it on purpose. I'm sure of it. She was sending me a message, or trying to force the issue. (She did it before - I read emails where she had marked him on the inside of his thigh. ) I blew it off, pretended I bought his bulls**t answer and carried on with our previously nice evening. Not worth the argument or the tears.
I'm going to go for my bloodwork and eyeglasses on Monday, then doctor's appt on Thurs. In between - house hunting/job searching/packing.
[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 1:40 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
you have a pm and
do not rush into anything until you have answers regarding your health....take 10 steps back from him and stay there....talk to him only when necessary, deal with him only when necessary..concentrate on you...and your poor dd, try not to put her between you, ever....he is still her dad, a crappy dad but her dad....the only one she's got...
he seems to do stupid really well....total asshat...and hickeys...really....what are they 13... ....
and yes is all hurts....i KNOW that someday, and there will be that someday, the pain will be put away...when i will wake up in the morning and look forward to living, really living again instead of just surviving and getting by...no more looking forward to when that someday will be here and be able to finally live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is....
this was a huge aha moment for me about a year after d-day...i was always waiting for something to happen so that i could finally be happy, which made me realize that i was never really happy, with one exception, i was a really happy mom....beyond that i was always waiting for something to click, something to change, i used to pray daily at one point just for pfm to "see"...and that was before i knew anything about his betrayals....i believed he was a workaholic and misguided about his foo...lots of foo issues and due to that his priorities were always fucked up....
anyways, a year after d-day i realized that i always waiting for something to be able to enjoy my life fully...still am...now though i have an attainable goal....and no longer will this goal lead to another different goal...which is always what happened before...
eg...when we got engaged, i chalked his changes up to the stress of the wedding and his foo, after we got married i chalked it up to foo and working too hard...always always believing his intentions were honorable....d-day blew that all to hell...
WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE...BELIEVE THEM!!!!!
no more excuses, no more reasons...IT IS WHAT IT IS...AND NOW I WILL MAKE IT WHAT IT CAN BECOME!!!
ok...mini vent over
damn these asshats!!!
need to stock up on some preparation H for these hemorroidal people!!!
try not to put her between you, ever....he is still her dad, a crappy dad but her dad....the only one she's got...
IWAM - I would never do that. In fact, one of the great tragedies of this is up until probably six months before the A started, we both would have been the first in line to nominate him for Dad of the Year. I have had the conversation with her not to turn my problems with him into hers, that he loves her no matter what. She didn't want to hear it. She was quick to point out that her anger and hurt is her own. He lied to her too, broke promises to her too, chose OW over her too, yelled at her for questioning his whereabouts too. She adores her Dad, and says all the time she just wants her Daddy back. We see glimmers of him, but it doesn't last. That's where the false hope line came from. I pray every day he wakes up before it's too late.
As for the hickeys, yeah, pretty immature. Metaphorical pissing on what OW views as hers, I'm sure. Whatever. I was tempted to leave my concealer on the counter for him lol.
I agree with you - I take great joy in parenting and deep down, I know that if nothing else, I am a great mom. I think you have the right attitude and are focused on the right things. I know I am taking two steps forward and one step back - hope always dies a slow death - but I think I am moving in the right direction towards peace and happiness, one way or another.
[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 10:22 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]
Your emotions are still raw, but her problems are her own doing. She'll have to figure it out for herself. As njgal said, she worked when her children were quite young? I work full-time too. And my kids are 5 months, 3, 4, 6 and 11.
In more urgent matters: MC_Jack, we've been strictly saltwater around here. But I GUESS we'll let you stay...
I just want to say my heart really goes out to all the newer members of our tribe. There is a lot of wisdom here for you. I hear a lot of pain in your posts. They all seem to have the same underlying themes though.
Will you (as in personally) heal from this hurt? I don't know, but you owe it to yourself to try. You have what it takes to heal within you no matter what path your spouse chooses to take. (Have I healed? Sort of. Maybe. I don't know. I don't really care either. I was completely disassembled and re-built. It's like ripping apart a squished orange, throwing the yucky bits away and putting the rest into a fruit salad. Is that better? Or worse? Did you fix it? Maybe you HATE fruit salad... what the heck do I know?)
Is it possible for you (as a couple) to heal from this hurt? I see people say all the time their marriage is better. Heck, I'll say it too. My marriage is better than it was before Dday. In fact, Dday actually saved my marriage. I was very close to filing for divorce and mistified as to why WH had his head so far up his ass when *finally* I caught on. It's pretty hard to fix (let's read that as IMPOSSIBLE) a triangulated relationship.
Can you believe what your spouse is saying to you? No, you can't. Your spouse has proved themselves to be a frequent and highly skilled liar. Good luck ever trusting him or her again.
Have a great weekend everyone. Do something you love to care for yourselves. I'm heading off to do that right now.
You are so smart, you really do have your PHD!!!
This took me a really long time to get through my head. I also kicked FWH out and told him to go be with SOW aka "it"
He did not go to her and she did not want him.
He said he did not love her, ever...
I could not believe it.
To this day he does not even feel sorry for her. He says he never even thinks about her and if she is ever mentioned he just feels disgust.
I believe him.
They had the opportunity to be together forever and neither one did.
[This message edited by njgal480 at 10:43 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]
H&C -- in some (fault) states the cheating spouse never gets alimony. In the state I lived in on Dday, the innocent spouse also gets 70% of the marital assets, use of the marital home and the court leans more toward giving that parent custody too.
My marriage is better than it was before Dday. In fact, Dday actually saved my marriage.
i also think you need to lawyer up....
I have been encouraging her to negotiate and set the terms so she can get this urgent D. WW wants to punt decisions to a lawyer and that looks like the path we will take. It is not a good path. She will get less and what she gets will not be in the best form.
I phoned my MIL today to check on her and talk about the upcoming D. We had a major cry fest.
Peaceful evening (first one in a couple of weeks). WW is out of town for the weekend. Kids are out with friends. Just the pets and I.
Wishing everyone a great weekend!
So true for FWW. It kept her from having to deal with reality and affirmed that she was a smart, funny, sexual, attractive woman.
FWW has been gone for a few days with her sister who came to FL for a mini vacation. I have enjoyed a night out with a friend and working on my bicycle. Boat maintenance tomorrow. I really would be fine D. That was the plan until FWW lost her job (4th in 3 years) 6 months ago. I tell myself we are doing better, but really she is a roommate. We do some things together, we live in the same house.
FWW and her sister will be here tomorrow evening, sister leaves Sunday. This sister's husband is the one FWW was doing texting, phonesex, and who knows what else. She knew about FWW's As (except bil) and would cost and talk never giving me a clue. Oh well, she has her own issues.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:39 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]
i think it may be time for you to step back and let her do her own leg work...lawyer up and let the lawyer handle it all....
she sounds like she likes to plant some seeds within you, seeds of guilt so that you will do whatever she wants and she doesn't have to do a damn thing to get it because you will make sure of it...and that takes some balls considering that she is the one who cheated and she is the one who wants the "d"...
personally i think you will do much better without her...but since you value staying in the house with the kids, and you don't want the divorce...step back, let her do her own leg work, and give her the rope with which to hang herself...
H&C there was no reason at all for my marriage to ever have been in trouble in the first place.
I suspect that the ego boost of being needed professionally, worshipped even, lasted longer than the thrill of new, forbidden sex. H has never been hugely driven by sex.
For those that may not be familiar with my history - this is what I do for a living - so if you have any questions, feel free to ask away...