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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,

I totally get what you were saying about not getting love from your parents and being vulnerable and torn down because of it.

The other day I had some sort of lightbulb moment where I realized that the only thing that is really wrong with me is that I'm willing to sit and listen to people tell me what it wrong with me!

Knowledge is important: now that you are more self-aware of your reasons, it will help.

My sister told me something smart: if you change your default to expecting batshit crazy and selfish behavior from NPD, he won't be able to surprise you at all, particularly not unpleasantly.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DecimatedHeart: Hi there - I too, am an "oldie" - but I had almost the exact same sitch when I was trying to R with my WH.

You are not being unreasonable.
This cannot be compared to a M that has not been tained by a LTA. As everyone says, the rules change.

My WH had a 1 1/2 year A with a coworker. They are both police officers. After I discovered the A, OW changed precincts, but lived & worked near his precinct & she had many friends at his precinct. They have a lot of social gatherings - they both used to go to them.

The 1st pct Xmas party, which was 4 mos after DDay, he didnt go to the XMas party at my request,as I knew OW would be there.
The 2nd year, he said he wanted to go to the Xmas party(now at this point - there was plenty of little crap going on - R was definitely not going well)& I told him I wanted him to go with me or not at all, because OW would be there. No ultimatums - told him how I felt & let him make his own decision. It was obvious how upset I was at the thought tho. Back & forth & he winds up going alone because it will look "weird" me going all of a sudden & everyone will know why & promising he will call me throughout the night, etc. So, he does call, telling me how much he loves me, next year I should go, etc. but then proceeds to stay out all night - only comes home when I finally reach him by phone at 4am.

Next day - I do some research & find a pic of the 2 of them at a table together. Of course, he had his bs, I stayed away from her all night, as soon as she came over to me, I got up right away, etc., but it was a defining moment for me - like someone said - his chance to show hes different & he bombed.

From that point on, I proceeded with the steps necesary to separate & we signed and agreement soon thereafter. (And, I did not think the A had resumed or that it had never stopped at this point - the decision was based upon his incredibly poor judgment.)

I am not making recommendations for you to do the same - there was plenty of other stuff going on in my sitch where this was just the latest of a long string of really crappy things he had done. But I am saying that you are not being unreasonsable and I am saying that he is not being sensitive to your needs and failed to exercise good judgment in this regard.

Honest: Your son is absolutely correct! You are just torturing yourself at this point, wringing your hands, wondering what to do. You know what to do, you are just scared. And that is understandable - but staying "as is" is not acceptable. You know this, so I wont belabor the point.

You know I say this out of love & concern for you - I know some of this may sound harsh, but it's meant to be supportive.

And, I dont think it's true that NPD never loved you - I think he did in his own way- it's just his personality, combined with his upbringing, comes with a lot of entitlement and arrogance and quite frankly, disrespect of women in general.

This does not mean that you were used from the beginning. Or at all. He sees value you in you - and even now, Im sure he still cares for you in hiw own demented way, but this is not where your focus should be. I mention it only so that you can dismiss those thoughts of never having been loved and dismiss any doubt you may have that you are not lovable. Or cant have a loving relationship in the future.

In my opinion, you have to stop looking backwards. You've done it long enough to gain the wisdom you needed from it. To keep looking back for answers at this point is just self-abuse. To me, your "self-talk" should be - it doesnt matter that he did this or that, because it's not a reflection on me or my worth and he's not going to be part of my life anymore. Any "charm" talk - you should tack on "said the pathological liar" to each of his sentences. (This always worked for me, lol.)

Ok - gotta run.
Peace out!

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:16 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
cheerless
♀ Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs and support IWAM.

Right back atcha--and to the rest of you as well.

(((Tribe)))&strength


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all.. just stopped in to say hello.. I pray everyone is well or moving toward peace.

Be happy with YOU first by being quality in every way.. Be attractive! Strong is attractive but sometime hard to do. Forgiving may mean you R or not.. but do it one way or the other.. your good will come! Make this a blip in your life...

Peace out!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tryn, good to hear from you.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.. I hope everyone is gearing up for a good weekend! And Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderfule ladies!!!

Tryin.. good to see your post.

Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! And may things be easy for you.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emotional baggage - VENT!!!

stbxww and I are still sharing our home as we make plans for D. Okay with that as it will make the best of a very bad situation.

So, stbxww and I went to a bat mitzvah of a friend today. While driving home, stbxww is on the phone with DD. During the conversation, stbxww asks "Are you driving?" DD "yes". The conversation proceeds and it begins to become contentious with DD raising her voice.

Now I my patience is gone, I become angry, tell my stbxww to end the call now, and tell her that she endangered our DD by accepting DD toaking on the phone wihile driving plus an argument. stbxww "I understand". I continued as I was looking for an acknowledgement that it was wrong; not just a statement that she heard what I said.

stbxww says angrily "I am a lousy mother! I am a horrible person! You are humiliating me!" This statement upset me the most and I wnt silent till we got home.

I told her she is a grat mother. She is a good person. And I am sorry if I said things in a humiliating way.

Then I addressed something I noticed at the event. stbxww was not wearing her wedding ring. "why should I wear a ring that says I am committed to you forever?" Your choice but I aks you to wear it until the D is done and you have moved out into your own household as I do not want any men hitting on you because they think you are available. This conversation continued on and wnet very badly.

So, it is a bad afternnon here. Lots of stress. Looking for change.

Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! Live with ease.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Mother's day everyone!

HandC: about the wedding ring...

Your choice but I ask you to wear it until the D is done and you have moved out into your own household as I do not want any men hitting on you because they think you are available.

In her mind she is available and has been for some time hence the A. My STBX did the exact same thing. She stopped wearing the ring and I had a similar mindset initially. It pissed me off because we were technically still married but in the end what did the ring mean since she broke the vows. If she was going to talk to other guys I couldn't stop her and no amount of negotiating was going to change that. I eventually stopped wearing mine about a week later. The thing is men ARE going to hit on her and if she knows it bothers you it will give her an even bigger ego boost/stroke than normal. It may not happen now but it will happen and there is nothing you can do about it. She is gone, let her go mentally as well. My WW even told me men hit on her and she turned them down like that was supposed to make me feel better. Some WS crave the attention and it can become a power play if they know it bothers us. If she wants to make you mad all she has to say is so and so hit on her today and gave her his number and it's like tossing a live emotional grenade at you to get a rise out of you. In my case it was look 7yrs even if you don't want me other people still do. However broken attracts broken so if a man actually wants to talk to them while they are still technically married and living in the house with you then that man has issues of his own and that match is destined for failure just like the A. WS don't see it because it's blackhole filling behavior and gives them the temporary hit they are looking for.

I don't even ask my WW where she is going and don't feel the need to tell her what I am doing. As long as the kids are with one of us and that is worked out I live my life and she lives hers but I know my life is going to get better because I am dropping the dead weight I didn't realize I had on me for 10 years. The days of me actually caring about her are over. The ONLY thing I worry about are my kids, she killed any feelings I had for her with the lies and her nonchalant attitude when it came to me. I sound bitter but I am not. I am just detached and I consider it hyper detached because it was the only way I can survive this inhouse S until she is out. Once she is gone I will be okay but this shit sucks so detach man so you don't end up hurt as she waffles back and forth as the reality of what is happening unfolds in front of her.

I would even say you should stop going to events together if you can. If it's something for the kids drive seperatley if you can. I know how tough it is to let go of those feelings but speaking from experience the sooner you can KILL those feelings and get to indifference the better you will be. You can be civil but imo the spouse that actually still "cares" is going to suffer the most during in-house D. I would guess that in most cases the WS has already checked out so just be careful. We suffered during false R so imagine the damage we potentially expose ourselves to by not detaching once our unremorseful WS's are truly free to do whatever they want after the papers are signed and haven't moved out yet. She may not be in an A anymore but she is still in fantasy land in her head so protect your emotional well being.

Sorry HandC for this becoming a minivent on my part. I know your post was a vent as well. When I read your posts I see my story and much of the same behavior that my WW displayed. I mirrored many of the reactions you tell us about as well. The stories where the WW checked out long ago, put you through false R, fence ride forever, then ultimately force the BS to file still get to me I guess. I literally just got to a point THIS WEEK where I can honestly say I finally don't give a damn what my WW does anymore. This is 2 months after we signed the seperation agreement and in 2 weeks it will be 2 years since Dday. I am so much better off right now. I feel like I am out of prison and on parole with the ankle monitor coming off in 7 weeks. True detachment took me awhile but it is so worth it in the end because I HAD to do it anyway. Now I am just waiting to take things off pause and move on once she moves out.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 6:30 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first and foremost:

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!

ok, onward

(((((heart))))) remember all things will pass, ALL THINGS WILL PASS.....


(((hope))) i agree with 7 years.....it really shouldn't matter whether or not she wears the ring...for her it is over....and while you wish it werent, the sooner you live with what is the more at peace you will become....letting go gets easier and i took it as a process, one step at a time....i have not worn my wedding ring since d-day and will not, it no longer meant anything to me....and most especially when i made the decision to proceed to divorce him when i felt the time was right..there really was no point in wearing it...

each step you take away, is a step towards peace of mind and towards what is and not what you want and cannot have....

and i will be honest here...there are lots and lots of steps....but eventually those steps will take you on your journey and through it so that you can move on....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Mothers Day to the fine women of LTA. I am proud to know such strong, caring, and loving women, and I deeply appreciate all that you do to "mother" us through recovery from infidelity.

((women of LTA))

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:19 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years and miracle,
Thanks. I needed a reality check. Once stbxww is out on her own, it will be much better. The betrayal still hurts and I would find her dating before she leaves (and while I still support her) insulting and humiliating.


Took the family to see The Great Gatsby for Mother's Day, stbxww request. After the movie, she asked if I enjoyed it. No, it was paingul to watch - the theme. stbxww enjoyed it; the parties.

Not every movie with an A them bothers me. This one did. Timing, circumstance. I had read the novel so I knew waht was in store.

MC_Jack.. add to your movie list.
Regarding Henry with Harrison Ford. A great movie. Also with an A theme in the background. Nothing new, the subject has always been there. At least in my stich, it affects me the BS and does not seem to bother my WS.

Be safe. Be happy. Be healthy. Live with ease.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yr, Decimated & all those that are looking at an impending separation/divorce -it really does get better with time.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll second Allgood's assessment. I was divorced once too, 11 years into that relationship. It was a good decision, and actually my XH and I are to the point now where there are no hard feelings anymore.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to add that the decision to separate was mine, but the decision did not come easily. It was not what I wanted & not something I did without trying to R - for 1 1/2 years actually. It was also a decision that while I believed was 100% right, was still something I felt somewhat uncomfortable with. So I understand the torment involved and I still assure you it will get better.

Yet, I feel compelled to add, that the whole LTA experience still stays with me. I would say Im only at about 80% of my former self.

While I am way happier than I have been in years past, including years before I discovered the A, the A has left it's mark and for me, at least, I don't have any interest in being in a relationship again. THis does not seem to be the general experience, however, as it seems most people move on to better relationships.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stbxww received an email from my sister and it has distrubed my stbxww.

My sister is angry with stbxww and has been since shortly after DDay when I told my sister about the A.

My sister has been nice to stbxww since then hiding her anger.

My sister said that stbxww should keep the vows she made on our wedding day.

stbxww -"the email made me feel like a terrible person. I want your family to continue to like me. They will never understand."

And neither will I understand.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to comment on Allgood's statement that the effects of a LTA put a nasty mark on you that stays with you for a long time. I have to agree.

I don't think I will ever feel like I can trust the way I did before this all happened. I try to imagine what it would be like to feel comfortable while my husband is on his smart phone. What it would be like to have him travel out of town and know he isn't cheating. Just all of the things that are expected when you are married- they are long gone and I don't think they can be retrieved.

I know we will end up in divorce, it's just a matter of time. There is so much ugliness in a LTA to heal that I feel like it's such an uphill battle that I don't know if it's worth it. I know my husband isn't worthy, he hasn't done the things necessary to repair a mess like this. Luckily, for me, it hurts but I don't really care anymore.

I have really switched gears. I visit my dad for at least 2 hours every evening and spend as much time on weekends as I can with him. I also am spending my early evenings with my kids. I am extremely busy at work too. My husband is just kind of there on the outside. I try not to engage him too much. Every time he starts a fight with me I just blow it off. I never give him a reaction and I don't stoop to the meanness he does of name calling and degrading. I just let him have at it. He is pretty mucha stranger to me, he is not the man I married.

I wish you all the best. I am finding my peace without so much attention on my husband. This has been such an ugly experience, I would only wish it on him and his ho! As I always say - may they cheat each other til death do they part!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you gotta. That's the way to take control of what you can control. I'm sure you know that very few APs end up with "happily ever after" together.

I'm actually at a very good place right now, but know enough not to get cocky! My IC has been really helpful; she helped explain some of the things that seemed unexplainable (when my fWH kept saying "I felt like a different person. It was so unpleasant and toxic and I don't understand at all why I went back..."), she explained that with CSA people really can dissassociate and he may have felt like he was under her control, in other words, reennacting the abuse. I have thought that he had the worst sounding affair ever--no love, no excitement, often not even an erection, no laughter, no fun, no joy. Even for her, the things she said were about loneliness, victim, etc. So it was SO hard to understand why he would continue to betray me.

I know, I know, doesn't excuse his behavior. But he is SO different now from the man who started down that path. Living deliberately, consciously, seeing me, loving me fully and with an open, giving heart. I feel so comfortable loving him fully and not fearing being pushed away. The bond between us is amazing.

I know there will be further dips, but the trajectory continues to be upward. We are continuing the work, separately and together and I have a lot of hope. I have even started to consider forgiveness. I just hold no bitterness in my heart right now.

Peace to us all.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1654 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catlover: I'm glad that things are going well for you. One day at a time.

Allgood: I admire you so very much. I know you the decision to S was a hard one. The LTA stays with us all. It creates a very deep wound that although it does heal to a degree, still leaves a deep scar. About getting into another relationship? Advice given in S&D and New Beginnings is that one needs to wait and heal before starting a new a relationship.

H&C: It is hard to stop engaging with your WW the way you used to. You cannot expect that she will react to with reason and logic. She is not being reasonable!! Pick your battles carefully. Try not to engage with baiting with an argument: "I'm not a good mother..." Don't go there.
Just state facts. I know how hard it is to do!!! I almost always fall into the baiting trap or that NPD is reasonable. It is very hurtful, but I agree with 7years. She left the M long ago. It doesn't matter whether she wears her ring or not.
The email from your sister: your WW says THEY won't understand???? Geez, just the fact that she doesn't get why they are upset shows how little remorse she feels and how SHE doesn't get it.

Gotta: I'm so sorry for your Dad. Don't forget to take care of you! I went through a time like that after xWH#1 left and I was working full time, going for my masters, being a single mom and taking care of my grandparents and mom. It seemed everyone had an operation, my grandfather died, etc, etc. I ended up with anxiety attacks and panic attacks, I was so overwhelmed. Take time for you. You cannot take care of anyone if you don't take care of yourself.

Ats: Thank you. The LTA men are a fantastic too and help us ladies. We are all family, we care for you guys like sisters and you are our brothers.

7years: I am glad to hear that you have detached. That is something that I am still working on. I wish I knew how to do it. I start doing it, and end up hanging on again. How did you do it?

Miracle: You are a great inspiration especially about putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm still working on fear and acceptance. I kept asking the same question over and over again hoping for a different answer. I kept on believing the gaslighting and charm because I so very much wanted to believe it.

DENIAL

That is the stage I've been in far too long.

I wanted to know what our relationship was. But I've come to realize that no matter what it is now, it is not what I want and need.

ACCEPTANCE is something I am having trouble with.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:

I wanted to know what our relationship was. But I've come to realize that no matter what it is now, it is not what I want and need.

That's right!
Just keep repeating that.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years: I am glad to hear that you have detached. That is something that I am still working on. I wish I knew how to do it. I start doing it, and end up hanging on again. How did you do it?
This sounds so sounds so cliche but for me it was true, all the energy I spent trying to fix my WW and my M I decided to put into fixing myself. I don't think I ever met a problem I couldn't fix. In my mind every problem has a solution you just have to work it long enough until you find the right solution. So when the A happened I got in my hamster wheel and started worked to "fix" things. took me a year but I eventually crashed when I realized that there was no fixing this. That's about when I started posting in the LTA thread and shifted my focus off of my WW and onto me. It wasn't easy it took me time to recognize the cycles I was in with her where I kept getting "hoovered" back in. I would say I was NOT going to have deep discussions with her anymore and it would work for a week but then I would be the one to bring up the M again. Codepedancy should have been my middle name. The kicker for me was when my WW told me she wanted out of the M. I even tried to convince her how wrong that was for a month or so. At some point I got tired of breaking down and getting nowhere and just stopped talking to her. Started with no phone calls then ignoring her around the house. She would get mad try to start conversations or arguments and I just wouldn't engage her. The crazy part is while I was NC on the outside for the longest time in the inside all I wanted to do was reach out to her. I think I started posting in the LTA thread around October of last year so that's basically 7 months for my heart to finally catch up with my head and believe me it was an adventure along the way.

I just wanted to be happy again and I felt like she had stolen so much of my life to this point I didn't want her stealing more. More accurately in my case I didn't want to allow her to steal anymore because once I knew about the A it was always my choice to leave.

I started with Tryn's advice about being quality but even initially that was to try to win her back but eventually it clicked that I was doing those things for myself. I think I started reading codependant No More around that time and NJGal suggested and I read Love must be tough. That book was the last piece. Codep No More allow me to slowly let go of outcomes and Love Must be tough helped me face the realization that if she wants to leave she will leave and wasn't going to be here in the first place.

After that I made the decision to do something for me and/or the kids every day even if it was small. I made my list of things I wanted to do and started on it. I remember posting in here about going out with my brother. We hang out almost every weekend now.

It's doable, you just have to decide you want out then make that your focus above and beyond all else. It was a process and it took months for me but you get stronger and gain more confidence as you go. Having never gone through any type of "real" withdrawal I can only imagine that by describing it as going through withdrawal from my WW is accurate. It sure feels that way. I never smoked or did drugs but I know people that have quit and sometimes they say they may have a craving or reach in their pocket for the pack of cigarettes even though they haven't smoked in years. That's how I felt. It was mental withdrawal and the busier I kept myself the easier it got. Those first few weeks are the toughest and having them in the house with you is like you being a crack addict and your WS is a walking talking crack rock that is hell bent on making you fall of the wagon and take a hit. It was hard but I ignored the hell out of that crack rock even when she tried to real me back in.

That was probably way more than you wanted to hear but I just got tired of being miserable and just made up my mind to work on fixing that even if it took awhile.

It can be done, I was the poster child for codependancy, denial, bargaining, and BS rugsweeping to the point that I left SI for a year before coming back again. So if I can do it I know you and others can.

I posted the following in the last LTA thread on January 2, 2013.

I don't do new years resolutions but I will not leave 2013 in this same spot so I will work on me until I am ready to file. I also decided that no matter what I will do something special with my kids every day this year.
I didn't have much confidence that I could do it at the time but I did file and I have done something fun with my kids for most days this year.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:20 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

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