Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 31
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7Years:

That was probably way more than you wanted to hear but I just got tired of being miserable and just made up my mind to work on fixing that even if it took awhile.

It is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so very much. It's what you said about making the decision to file that kept you back, and was keeping me back. I also have no choices left.

NPD is bringing OW and OC's here to the US in June. Any talk of getting my money back results in his anger and being told he has no money now, business is bad, blah blah blah.
DS18 is graduating HS in June also and the only college he made is out of budget, even with tuition assistance. But NPD had enough money to fix up the backyard and pay for OW's and OC's trip here.

I have to let go emotionally for my own sanity.

Thank you, Allgood. I have to make that my mantra. Everything does change, even if it's for the better. Nothing stays the same.
I just wanted security, and stupid me was looking to him to give it to me. I lost trust in myself.

Now just to find that again.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honest,

Any talk of getting my money back results in his anger and being told he has no money now, business is bad, blah blah blah.

That is fine, can you have him give you a percent ownership in the business? Have the contracts drawn in English. Have something along the lines of an annual third party accounting audit as a part of the agreement.

As for your DS, there is a lot to recomend community college/ associates degree for the first 2 years of a 4 year degree. He can focus on core curriculum classes, the tuition and fees are generally lower, and there is more student support and less weeding out. Then with his 2 year core done he can transfer to a 4-year school. Here in Florida they make this almost seamless in the public college - university system, you will need to check your systems. His HS guidance counselor should have advice on this.

Have you (I hope) already completed the FASA for him? NPD will likely have to supply information for this too. I had to supply information on the FASA for FWW's DD who were my stepdaughters.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Ats. Technicallly, I do own half of the business, but I don't think it's in writing it is listed as a corporation, although it's just him and me But, you've given me something to think about.

I haven't dropped the axe yet, because I don't trust him at all. Been trying to get out of emotion mode that's been overwhelming me for far too long.

We did apply for FAFSA, but it won't be enough for the college he made. We are waiting for answers to some other colleges, but I know community college is what is probably going to happen.

Still trying to find my big girl panties!!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs: sometimes when i read your posts i feel like i am reading my own ......you sound awesome and strong

honest: keep steppin hon.....and at some point the money doesn't matter anymore, peace of mind is what you need to strive for, and the cost of it, while it may be steep both emotionally and monetarily will be worth it in the endgame.....

emotionally you have already paid enough, the longer you stay and put off the inevitable the greater the cost...line up those ducks...and timing for you will be tricky, mostly because of 2 conflicting events...your son's graduation and npd bringing "them" over here to the u.s

make a plan, then take each step to make the plan a reality

the only thing worse then living with what you have been living with is, is to continue to do so.....tis time dear heart

gotta: you sound amazingly strong....i love your bravado, i love your stance...keep breathing hon, i get the sense that once in while you forget to breathe, you have so much goin on and you are on overdrive....your journey still has more road to go, keep breathing

(((gotta)))

hope: your ws sounds like she does stupid well.....what she said about your sisters reaction needs to go to the "stupid things the ws's say"....it defies logic because there is no logic...its all about her, always has been and prob will always be.....i live with that too...i have learned to tune mine out most of the time, or shake him off so to speak.....almost daily he says and does "stupid"....

incredibly i still get surprised at how much he does "stupid" well.....

out of time, bbl

((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i must have started this post 10 times....i reread my last post and the way the sentences were constructed were just somewhat off....

7 years..yes alot of what you post feels like reading my own thoughts....and separate from that i think you are a strong and awesome individual....


ok....i hope i cleared that up....at least for my own head


((((heart)))) are you still out there? how are you???


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol IWAM, I thought your post was clear. I often worry that my posts read like a hyperactive child that can't keep his thought straight. I am usually typing so fast and trying to get my thougts down that I never proof read. Pretty much all of my posts have to be edited multiple times for spelling and grammar and I still miss things.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 18th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FASA

ats.. as you can see, I laugh and cry at the mention of FASA. The good news / bad news for stbxww and I is that we are deemed too wealthy to qualify for any aid. As you noted, the FASA considers step parents and in a twist, I understand that it does not consider the non coustodial parent. So our DDs may qualify for aid next year if my stbxww is the custodial parent.

Typs and other grammatical errors.

My apologies to those (ats, miracle, and heart) that I may offend with typos and other errors. It is difficultfor me to proof read with my vision so I do not. (maybe SI will add a speel check option in the future). I too just let my thoughts flow and flow and flow.

I posted the following in the separation divorce thread.

Reality Bites

My stbxww and I engaged a family divorce counselor to meet with our kids to better understand their concerns and desirs post divorce.

Afterwards I talked to DS who said "I should live with you and visit mom on weekends. DD should live with mom"

In the spirit of openness and information sharing to settle in on parental roles post D, I later shared this comment with stbxww.

The next day I am hanging out with DS and he menitons mom trying to persuade him and that stbxww said "why do we have to break up or family". Reality bites!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The next day I am hanging out with DS and he menitons mom trying to persuade him and that stbxww said "why do we have to break up or family". Reality bites!

My kids are to young for specifics but if I got a question like that I would have to think REALLY hard of a politically correct way of saying "we" did not break up the family. Your Mother broke up the family when she decided to have an affair. I know I will get this question several years from now and I won't be holding back when they are old enough to understand more mature topics.

The good thing for you, at least I assume it's good in your mind, is your kids are old enough to decide.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C-
I agree with what 7 yrs wrote.
Please do not allow your WW to vilify you to the kids.
Do not allow her to re-write history and spin the story to make herself out to be a victim.

I know that you have a good heart and a strong desire to protect your children and even your WW but the reality is that she does not sound like a very nice person.

She is re writing history and soon she will believe her version of the story because she tells it so often.

She could make you out to be the villain and try to ruin your relationship with your children.

Telling the truth is not wrong.

I have told the story before about the OW in my case.

After I contacted her BH we met up in person and later communicated on the phone a few time and he gave me a lot of info. about the OW.

in one conversation he told me that he was banned from entering the family on Xmas when he wanted to bring gifts etc. to the kids.
Various relatives actually blocked his way!

Turns out...the MOW who had been a serial cheater throughout their 30 yr marriage had told everyone that the reason for the divorce was that the BH had cheated on her!!

And they believed her!

He had been trying very hard to protect the MOW's image for the sake of the kids etc. and this was the thanks he got!

IMHO there is no one more heartless and cruel than a WS who does not feel any remorse.

He/she is capable of doing lots more damage to the BS in order to justify their actions.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI will add a speel check option in the future).

I do not know if it will work in your situation hope and change, but Firefox browser will provide spell check for all typed text including SI.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, so this week will be 2 years since Dday for me on 5/24/13. I am not going to ignore my feelings this year if I have any but this will always be a non-joyful event for me because Dday was the day after my sons birthday. I eventually found out that the last time that I know about her being with MOM was the night before my sons birthday party. So this is the 2nd year I am dealing with this and I am not freaking out this year but I have been overly grumpy. I am trying to focus on my son and his birthday and will be okay. We are doing something separate for him. I just turned the 180 up another notch to keep from regressing and getting upset.

Over the last week I have been wondering why again and as my STBX goes about her day asking me am I mad I just tell her no I am fine because honestly she will never understand what I have been through. She is incapable of it. The fact that she even has to ask shows she is clueless about how I feel and out entire situation. It just confirms that I made the correct decision and helps me dig in further with the 180. I gave up long ago on trying to get answers or trying to figure out why or get some sign of something out of her but that isn't going to happen. It's just easier for her to put that all in the nice little closet in her head and close the door and throw away the key. But I think that for a few seconds and move on.

As part of my quest to remain indifferent I asked her how her house construction was coming. I did this to open the discussion about her still leaving in July. The first thing out of her mouth was "I wanted to talk to you about that". She said the foundation was being started today. Yeah, I thought it was supposed to be ready by July. Anyway, I told her well you still need to be out by July 1 as we agreed. She said she would be and she would be moving in with her grandfather until the house was ready. She came back home that evening with boxes and started packing clothes. I just walked by her and continued minding my own business. Her packing is a non-event. I don't know if she expected a reaction but I didn't have one which made me feel better. The house not being ready for a few more months means my kids won't have a room for another few months when they are with her and they will be sleeping on a queen sized pull out sofa. I don't see this going over to well with my kids. Especially my son who will be bored out of his mind over there. We agreed to 50/50 custody though and I offered to keep the kids full time until her house was ready. She initially said she would do this but I guess her need for money from me is clouding her judgement. Once she moves out the CS starts.

I am honestly doing okay. Better than I have been in a very long time. She is even going to be leaving a week early I believe. I just know that things will change and while I will adjust I know it's going to be tough on my kids as it sinks in. I am torn between joy because I will finally be free and sadness because my kids will be shuffled around from week to week because of her selfishness. I even have some fun outings for myself lined up for the next few weeks to keep myself busy and some lined up for the kids as well. I made it this far so I will make it through whatever comes next as well.

I only have 5 or 6 weeks at the most left and I can move on with my life. I have been doing well and I know this week, DDay, was going to put somewhat of a damper on my mood so I figure I will acknowledge it and deal with it so it won't drag me back down. Once the roller coaster levels out for a time you can see the lows coming and try to deal with them or at least acknowledge them so they don't completely consume you. At least that is how I feel. I fully expect to NOT know what to expect in terms of my feelings once the separation is official but I won't stuff them and I will be okay eventually.

Not sure why I typed all this out but just felt like putting it somewhere. I even had a genuine streak of excitement today after realizing I was going out in June to a venue with SINGLE people my age that are actually interested in the things I like. I have no interest in dating but it will be nice to actually be somewhere with no married people for a change. I of course then bookended that thought with the fact that I still do have a little mean streak in me. Once my STBX moves out the papers officially get sent to the court and our 1 year separation officially starts. If she moves out 1 week early there is a chance that the petition date will be on my STBX's birthday . I know it's to much to ask for but it would be awesome if next year around this time our official divorce decree arrives on her birthday. Every year the kids could send her a birthday card and if I have to see her I could say Happy divorce day!

ETA: I got home this evening after going to the gym and felt pretty good. STBX was home doing her thing and I felt okay. I am actually looking forward to my sons birthday after all and not worried as much as I thought I would be about Dday. Seems running 5 miles helps melt away stress after all. Evening all.

Glad to see you still around MC_Jack!

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 7:19 PM, May 20th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everybody-

Sorry for being AWOL for now over 2 weeks (!)...

I hope you guys are hanging tough - and enjoying the start of summer. Believe it or not, the leaves just started coming out on the trees one week ago!

I haven't really even lurked too much, so I will add more if I see a way to contribute.

I posted on May 4 about acceptance and seeing glimpses of what my prize might be.

Catlover provided me a very concrete thought of what I want (thanks BTW!):

I am hoping mine is a M with a whole, healthy partner. Is that unrealistic?

Well, things have not been going so well on my end, as WW has become depressed again. Negative thoughts galore...not good.

As far as the A went, there were no ponies and rainbows even during its time for my WW. Unfortunately, it is possible that the lessons my WW learned are confined to the realization that "affairs are terrible and destructive," not also that "I am screwed up and have messed up thinking."

So, it looks like I have a faithful wife going forward (probably), not an emotionally whole and healthy one. As I opined elsewhere, I feel like I am married to a 12 year old, albeit one who can take are of your fibroids, pregnancy,cervical displasia, and hysterectomy needs in a most excellent way.

Love is tough.

And, I do have to say that I am self aware enough to note that my sitch is nowhere as desperate as others here, and my heart continues to go out to you guys.

Happy Monday!

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got home this evening after going to the gym and felt pretty good. STBX was home doing her thing and I felt okay. I am actually looking forward to my sons birthday after all and not worried as much as I thought I would be about Dday. Seems running 5 miles helps melt away stress after all.

7years.. good for you!!!

I recently passed two years DDay and I feel lots of stress in my body.

stbxww and I are still trying to work out custody, finances, and living arrangements. I refuse to "give her everything" and have offered half of our assets with me picking up all of the kids expenses. She wants more but has yet to offer anything specific. She thinks that every decision can be handed over to someone else (lawyer, counselor) and that the "process" will take care of it.

So this past weekend, I am looking at options for a new home for myself, closer to work, if I decide not to stay in our home (stbxww keeps giving reasons as to why I should not stay there: she should stay there; too emotional for the kids; too big for me). She goes ballistic.

"I have betrayed her. I am rushing to find a new house before she does. She will have to stay in a more expesnive area so kids can keep the same school"

Just looking at my options. She agreed that I am trustworky and would not abandon her. Then came "I don't want to break up the family. I am afraid of being alone" followed by 12 hours of closeness / affection from her. Then she saw her IC and it was back to "I am making the right choice to D; it is normal to have doubts, it is not fair to you if I stay, I do not want to stay for the wrong reasons". And "I do not intend to respond to your sisters email".

Oh well.. I have my integrity. I have been honest throughout our M. I do not have to work hard to convince myself as to what I want from life. I have been battered by all of this bu I will be okay. It may just take awhile; possibly a long time.

Be safe; be happy; be healthy, live with ease.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C-
Are you going to mediation? Or are these just conversations with your WW? Have you consulted an attorney to find out what the divorce laws are in your state?
It's usually quite cut and dry.
Your WW may want an expensive house in an expensive neighborhood but divorce does not always work out that way.
All of the assets have to be divided equally.
That's the deal.
And if you are an able bodied woman then the expectation is that you will be able to get a job and support yourself.
It's 2013. And after the assets are divided the ex spouses decide what they can afford to buy, rent etc.
Obviously, most couples can not afford to live in the way they have been accustomed.
Your WW just makes me mad as she wants to have her cake and eat it too!!!

MC-what is your FWW depressed about? Infidelity related stuff? or just a depression of her own?

Honest- Do you have a plan for June?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been battered by all of this bu I will be okay. It may just take awhile; possibly a long time.
HandC, I don't believe it will take as long as you think. Your heart will catch up with your head and when it does the discussion like the ones you are having no will longer hold any meaning for you at all. It will be like she is talking to a brick wall because you won't care. It Took me a bit to turn the corner once the decision to D was made but it's doable. You will get there.

My only suggestion is if she doesn't believe that what you offered is fair then say okay and let your lawyer draw up an agreement that follows the letter of the laws in your state while swinging everything your way as much as possible then give that to her. It will be so skewed in your favor that she might just wake up and realize that you were offering her a more than fair deal before. It's business, treat it like a car deal except you are the salesman and your WW is the customer trying to buy the car. Tell her you will give her the car at MSRP plus a 40% service fee and let her start the negotiation from there. She doesn't get to walk out with the car at below invoice price just for showing up.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((7 years))))


(((hope)))

its amazing to me how some of the ws's believe the things they believe.....the warped sense of right and wrong, the perceptions they have of what they have done or not done.....so many are toxic.....

and with all poisonous substances....when you rid yourself of them you get healthier.....so heres to all of us bs's who have toxic ws's getting healthy......(raising my imaginary glass and drinking)


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C, as you know, I share Njgal's opinion. Please take care of and protect yourself.

Njgal, to answer your question, my WW's depression is not about the affair, it is what she has always had with her. It is something that she has minimized during our M, I believe. But now that there is such a level of destruction, it is tough to minimize it.

In a long letter to my WW, I suggested that one of the false expectations of M for her was that the M would 'cure' her of he latent emotional problems. I also stated:

(Dear WW:)

Look back at our marriage history to see your attempts to fill a hole and get out of depression: babies, nursing, etc. The adultery too: might the idolatry be a wish for a magic cure from without rather than within? More than just a bad coping skill?

Our marriage counseling should now be about fixing the core issues within us individually and how we can help each other do that. I can understand how I blamed myself 20 years ago for your depression. What man wouldn't when his blushing bride is unhappy and won't give herself completely? Would it not be natural to ask oneself what is wrong with me that my newlywed wife is not filled with joy? Did you realize that year that being married did not magically heal you?

I can also understand how I let you blame me over the years. I have had my own problems and I let myself feel inadequate in the face of your perfectionism and what you learned from your family as what constitutes a good person. The legacy of conditional love. Your parents did not approve of our marriage. What affect did that and needing their approval to feel good about yourself have on your marriage behavior?

Now, however, I am not going to be a part of the same blame cycle anymore. I am not saying that you are, I am just establishing this boundary I was never to blame for your core unhappiness. Perhaps you never communicated with me about your feelings and problems because you honestly knew that deep down. It was easier to avoid the conflict, avoid looking inside, and just blame me and our marriage. To do otherwise would require intimacy. Hence its avoidance...

She is reluctant to try AD's. The last time she tried them, she was on Prozac and in trying to get off of it, she found herself in her car in the garage with it running. I intervened. There was something black in my heart too on that occasion: there was a sliver of me that had such disdain for her at this that I had a brief thought about leaving her in there...

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 9:13 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC- 20 years of depression! What a burden that must have been on your marriage/family etc.
I think you are absolutely correct when you say that the secret is finding happiness from within.
My FWH was another one that was always searching searching for that magic happy pill- drugs, alcohol, partying in bars and then ultimately the MOW and the LTA.
I realize now that all those years of alcohol etc. was self medication.
Now-he is sober and is the happiest he's ever been because he has found the secret-selfishness leads to unhappiness while giving to others brings joy.

Marriage counseling may not be what your WW needs at this point. Does she go to IC?
A type A personality-someone driven for success from a young age-could it be that she is just burnt out? and cannot admit that her career does not bring her joy?
Maybe some life coaching would help? a chance to re evaluate where she is , where she is going?
Even though it might be financially a burden perhaps the option of cutting back on her work hours and devoting more time to you and your children could be a possible solution?

just some random thoughts.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs: You are doing very well. In house separation is very hard. Try to stick to conversations about finances and the kids and keep it polite and semi friendly, but you are not friends. I know you worry about the kids in her father's house, but perhaps she will understand the logistics aren't going to work.
Good for you about going out for a single's venue. There are a lot of events out there to meet all kinds of people and enjoy the things you like to do.

H&C:

Then came "I don't want to break up the family. I am afraid of being alone" followed by 12 hours of closeness / affection from her. Then she saw her IC and it was back to "I am making the right choice to D; it is normal to have doubts, it is not fair to you if I stay, I do not want to stay for the wrong reasons"

Your WW is going back and forth with her emotions. She is unsure of the D, but doesn't seem willing to own her problems to fix anything. Don't buy into her "I don't want to break up the family". It's BS. If she doesn't want to break up the family, then she knows what she has to do. She does need to continue with IC for HER, but now you have to decide what YOU want. Do you want to wait for her to decide, or have you decided?

MC: 20 years is a long time. You are not responsible for her happiness. You didn't cause her problems, and you cannot cure them. Is she in IC? It seems that she could benefit from AD's. There are many others out there besides Prozac. Everyone is different and some people need different kinds.

DDay1 antianniversary is coming up. Not sure of the date, though. It seems everyone knows the exact date, but for some reason, I can't remember.....probably blocked it out.

I guess that's why I've been so down lately, that and June upcoming when the OW and OC's coming to the US.

I keep on going back and forth between D and being financially strapped. Which is worse? <sigh>


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mc: have you ever asked her why she "chooses" to live with her depression.....because as this point i would think its a choice....and ususally people stick with what they know, even if it means they are hurting themselves doing so, because of a deep rooted fear.....even if she doesn't want to get to the bottom of her depression, "ad"s will at least treat the depression even if not treating the person she is within.....

and i would guess too at this point, now that you "see" her issues as her issues the choice on whether or not to live with it as is, is yours....


in-house separation....i actually tried telling pfm that last nite....he says no....we are still married, period...we had a bit of a blow out...needless to say it wasn't pretty....i was pretty shaken after and took a half a xanex....which did the trick....i actually forgot to set my alarm in my state last nite and overslept for work today.....but i still say god bless the xanex...otherwise i probably would have been up to the wee hours of the morning as i seem to be 2nite....lol...

anyways....in house separation....so damned hard to live, yes its possible, yes its doable.....but for ever how long you do it, you can't get that time back.....the only bonus is KNOWING...really knowing that there is an end in site and working toward that goal, and believing that you will reach that goal...

and honest: living financially strapped is SOOOOO much better then being emotionally abused, verbally abused, and living with someone who is just not a nice person to you and your kids.....ALL of your kids!!!!

financially strapped....you have peace in your head, heart and mind and your house depending on your teenagers...

living with an abusive ws.....living everyday facing the person who hurt you beyond, never having peace of head, heart mind or house with your teenagers.....teenagers are extremely selfish individuals....life is all about them and their needs.....and if they can use the home life as an excuse, they will, as long as it gets them what they ultimately want at that point in time.....


and speaking of teenagers....manchild was given notice last nite by ME

he got into a car accident a couple of weeks ago and totalled his 2nd car...thank god he is ok....but now car insurance will go through the roof.....we currently pay 2/3rds of his car insurance, he pays his own way in college (state college), and he finally has gotten a job....a job he actually likes and makes semi-decent money for a teen job....

the issue: he just flunked 3 out of 4 classes....this is has been going on for the last 2 years.....he has failed many more classes then he has passed.....

so ...last nite i told him:...he needs to switch to the community college, because its free because he is a volunteer firefighter, and he has one semester to pull all b's....if he does not, he will be responsible for ALL of his car insurance as well as room and board...i am done with this kid, it kills me to say it but i don't even like him anymore, he has turned into a nasty bastard.....it blows my mind that i raised him......i obviously failed this kid along the way.....but i am done trying to reason with him or even giving him the benefit of the doubt, or anything else for that matter....its time for him to sink or swim....i pray he swims...but i can no longer throw the life perserver to him...if he doesn't learn soon, he probably never will.....so damned fustrating...and of course the way pfm handles all of this just escalates things.....

ok, my mini vent is done...

((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Lock This Topic is Locked
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.