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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How much is too much?
LonelyBH
♂ New Member
Member # 38634
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What makes a WW a FWW? Your probably right though, not even 2 months from the day I saw the text about her quickie and barely a month since I read the 39 page letter of painful details, that was really the most recent dday.

Most of the answers I don't get are about their conversations. I also get a lot of vague answers, and it does feel like she is hiding something sometimes. I havnt been able to recover any conversations between her and any of the om, so that alone gives me a lot of doubt on the topic.


BH:22
WW:22
S:4
Dday:2-27-13
Almost Reconciling

Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: LonelyBH
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A former wayward has owned their shit...they take full responsibility for their affair(s). The don't lie or TT. They are truly remorseful and do everything they possibly can to help heal and support their BS. They answer any and all questions their BS asks..without being angry or defensive. They don't blame their BS for their choices. They seek help from outside sources...IC..SI..self help books..etc...to discover their "why." WHY they became a wayward. They do it for themselves,because they want to get healthy. The first few years after an A,if a couple chooses to R,is filled with emotions..from one extreme to the next..the BS is on an emotional rollercoaster. A FW will sit down next to their BS and buckle up. They will ride the ride with you. And they will help you along the way. And..wow..just so many things make a Former wayward a *former* wayward. But everything I mentioned is a good start.

Im calling bullshit on her "I don't rememeber's." Vague shouldn't be a word you are using right now to describe your WW's responses..if she were a *former* wayward. She would be straightforward. She would be blunt,even if it hurts you. Because it's the lies and the secrets that can cause far more harm than the betrayal. Meaning,the betrayal is bad enough..and don't get me wrong..it's HELL. but the lies...the secrets...the TT...the vague responses...basically the continues wayward behavior...that shit will kill any chance of a healthy R with a WS.


This thread is excellent. It shows what is meant by the "hard work" to repair a marriage after infidelity. THIS is what your WW should be doing.


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=492617

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:49 PM, April 15th (Monday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7147 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree....the answer "I don't remember is the worse." You know how you feel. It feels like she is still trying to keep some secrets from her fantasy world. She can't be worrying about herself and what she might be losing. She needs to be truthful and think about helping you. She needs IC.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
keptmypromise
♂ Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please tell her to think long and hard about the "I don't remember" answers. Even if the answers are so bad, you deserve to know. R can only be 100% successful with complete tranparency to your questions....otherwise she is leaving you to fill in the blanks, and keep secrets from you. Her sexlife is your business...her actions are your business. Keeping secrets in a marriage is a recipe for poor communication and failure. How can you navigate through all of this with only part of the puzzle, and trust can never be regained completely without all of your questions answered.


Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
LonelyBH
♂ New Member
Member # 38634
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thankyou for the link. I should add she is in weekly IC and is on the right pathway I believe. She wrote me that 39 page letter about all her a's so she is being open. She always answers the question about the sex, and what she is feeling now and so on. I get the vague answers to about how they talked and interacted. An example would be her response to what they talked about in person before they did the dirty. She says 'just how was your day stuff'. That doesn't tell me much.


BH:22
WW:22
S:4
Dday:2-27-13
Almost Reconciling

Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: LonelyBH
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked myself this often (read my profile) After much counseling, If it were a close friend or relative, or if there were a child born from any of the ow, that would have been too much for me.

My fwh can not even remember how many ow there were.

And it was for more than 10 years.


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH texted the AP 1,200 in one month. Some days were 150 times. I asked him the same question, "What did you text about." "Just stuff." "Work" "Beer and music preferences." "What the kids were doing"
vague bulls***. I know that she shared a lot about her past boyfriends and current situation. It makes you angry that they share their day with the OP and not you. When they get home they are too tired to repeat all those things again to their family, because they already shared their day with the parasite that sucked them dry. We BS put all the work into the relationship and the OP reaps the benefits and good stuff.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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