SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I took a little break from dating, felt my fortitude return, and then met someone. We hit it off immediately. I have *never* felt chemistry like this before. When I kissed her, there was no question, no nervousness, no fear. Just pleasure. She's honest, she's affectionate, she's beautiful, intelligent. I could go on...

I hadn't told the SI community about this at all because I despise gushing about love interests, and I also had a superstitious sense that to bring it up would jinx it.

We met often over these past few weeks. Went to each other's homes and got nicely smooochy. (No, no sex.) I've fallen for her, and let my heart open up a lot.

I wasn't dating anyone else, but she never took her profile down and told me that she would keep her options open until we were committed to each other. For her, exclusivity and commitment go hand in hand, and happen at the same time. Me, I become exclusive immediately when I am attracted to someone. It was a little hard for me to think that she was casually dating others, even though she was kissing me passionately on our dates.

I was in a holding pattern waiting for her to be interested *only* in me, and she eventually sensed it and wondered what was holding me back. So we had the exclusive talk. She said that it would not happen until she was in a real, committed relationship. She didn't want to invest months in a guy that led to nowhere because he ended up not being ready. I *was* ready to give a relationship try, but that's when we ran into an impasse.

I did not want to bring my kids into it, not until we had been in a real relationship for a while, including days and nights together, intimacy, simple everyday stuff too. I wanted to get a sense of how we would mesh, living in that sort of intimacy, before bringing our relationship into my kids' lives.

She didn't want to have a relationship in secret from the two most important people in my life. It was underwhelming to her to hear me say I wanted to become more intimate, but that I wanted to wait before introducing her to the two most important people in my life (my kids).

I can empathize with what she said. And I was humming and hawing about it throughout the whole dinner because I was desperately trying to come up with a way around the impasse. It was unattractive: I had all these grand pauses, shrugs, she even commented on it. By the end of the date she was worn out and not affectionate.

So, I think it's over. I messaged her telling her that I hoped things would work, but that I truly believe it's in the best interest of my children to not introduce a love interest too soon. And if that didn't work for her, we should both move on.

I must know, and please be honest, was I off my rocker? She said she wants to be swept off her feet, not be presented with restrictions around who can know about the relationship.

I care about her enough that I'm second guessing myself like crazy. But I simply couldn't bring us, as a couple, into my kids' lives without first *being* an intimate couple for at least a little while.

She did not empathize. She told me several times that in her opinion, she sees me as not ready and that I used my kids as an excuse.

I'm afraid it's over. All because I couldn't communicate to her properly in a way that made sense to her that right now, my kids' stability is more important than anything. You could argue that kids are resilient, that they would get over it if she and I didn't work out. But why put them through that? Why not give the relationship a try before bringing my kids into the picture?

She told me that she wished that I had gotten through this hump with another woman since my divorce, so that this would no longer be a hurdle in my own mind.

I'm hurting. I think my feelings about this are sane, and not an indication that I wasn't ready, but she didn't see it that way. I just wish I expressed it better.

Hugs welcome. This one hurts a lot. Advice, too.

How long were you dating, O? If I'm reading right, it can't be very long... waaaaay too soon to bring your babies into it, IMO.

It would bother me if someone wasn't respectful about something like this. You're a package deal, you and your girls. Your love interest needs to respect the timing on when to introduce everyone. And whether they like it or not, you're the one who makes the final call when it's time. And I agree completely - you need a fair amount of relationship time under your belt before doing that. You should definitely be out of the honeymoon phase, in any case.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, O, I really am, but I think you did the right thing. I would have done it, too.

(((((O)))))

[This message edited by wildbananas at 11:43 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

Does she have children? If not she does not understand that priorities change when you become a parent.

You can talk about your concerns and determine if she is mature enough to understand. Sorry, but, if she does have kids then she does not get it and the big red flag is flying!

We've been dating 6 weeks, roughly. 9 dates.

I was ready, willing and wanting to start a real, committed, exclusive relationship. But she didn't believe me. She thought my condition on the early part of the relationship meant I wasn't ready. She said that the guys with children that she had dated before never had issue introducing her to their children at the beginning of their relationship.

Isn't it common advice to be serious for a while *before* introducing kids? It's almost like she wouldn't understand, rather than couldn't.

I'm so fucking confused and down. It all went down tonight, so I'm especially fragile.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 11:56 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

(((OIAL))))

It's all so very confusing sometimes.

She doesn't get it.

9 dates is all?

I'm sorry but that's WAY too soon to start integrating everyone. Personally, I don't know that I'd do it before the year mark.

Whether she has kids or not, she really doesn't get it.

You're absolutely right, your kids' stability is your first priority. Do NOT second guess THAT.

She sounds insensitive. If she does not respect your primary role as father, then things would not have turned out well in the end anyway.

I don't know if I agree with the general consensus of "6 months to a year" that I read about on here, but waiting until YOU feel your kids are ready AND the relationship is well established is more than reasonable.

I'm so sorry you are hurting, OIAL.

You are putting your children's needs above yours and hers. In doing so you are being a mature, responsible self-less parent and I salute you for that.

I totally agree that kids should not be introduced for at least 6 months. I learnt that one the hard way

The good thing is that unlike your other dates you have seen that someone can be very into you.

However it seems clear she is not the one.

I think you need to step away and take with you the knowledge that you have done the right thing.

No, she doesn't have kids.

Thanks for supporting my stance. I believe you're not just saying so to make me feel better.

One of the upsetting things is that I'm not good at making a case, verbally. Give me a counter stance and I'll go into a tailspin because I give a lot of weight to what others say.

When she wouldn't understand, I kept on trying. Awkwardly. Even a little desperately. The topic dribbled on for two long, difficult hours. By the end I felt small, weak, reduced, desperate, no longer attractive. And her body language changed. When I reached for her hand, she withdrew. The goodnight kiss was just a peck.

I'm angry with myself because even if she were to come around and see my point, I lost her anyway, just by the way I failed to stand tall around this.

Yes, in the end I did not budge around the kids, but I was a train wreck nevertheless.

So, tomorrow I'll wait for the message telling me it is indeed over. I'll hate waiting for it, because it's impossible for me not to hope for something else.

I know how hard it is when you really WANT someone to be the one. But, you absolutely did the right thing in standing your ground about your kids. The only thing you did wrong, and it sounds like you know this already, is going on for hours about the topic rather than just stating politely but firmly that your kids will not be introduced to any SO until months into a new relationship. Period. Done with discussion!

She said she wants to be swept off her feet, not be presented with restrictions around who can know about the relationship.

When I read this I got an uneasy feeling in my stomach. This statement would send me packing. She obviously does not get it and sounds immature and self-absorbed here as well.

I know very well what you are going through. We all want that perfect relationship and it sucks when something like this happens to completely change things.

The only thing you did wrong, and it sounds like you know this already, is going on for hours about the topic rather than just stating politely but firmly that your kids will not be introduced to any SO until months into a new relationship. Period. Done with discussion!

Yes, I couldn't agree more. I can't tell you how upset I am with myself over that. Had I done as you said, she might have given it some thought after the date and come around.

Instead, it's over. Period. Done with discussion.

I had come to a point where I wanted to be done with dating mode already and have a relationship. It was decision time. The crossroads. It would have been a form of mild torture to keep on in dating mode, while she was still potentially also dating other guys. I was done being exclusive while she was not. For me, no longer tenable. So... I made my stand, a very hopeful stand, was confused by the response. Tried to work it through then and there, because I was impatient. Big mistake.

I would NEVER expect to meet someone's kids until we were well established. Whether I had children or not.

This just sounds uber weird to me OIAL - why on earth would this be a dealbreaker for her? Is she looking to mooch off you? That's the only thing I can think of that she would miss out on by a delay in meeting your kids.

Her demand is, IMO, inappropriate. I also have my own red flags going off about how quickly she is trying to progress this.

I have no problem having sex with someone on the first date but I DO have a problem with introducing my kids to anyone before we are established. Personally that would be around the year mark for me. I'd want to see if we get past the honeymoon phase.

What a douchette.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 2:15 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

The sadness of losing out on someone I was really into sucks, for sure.

But I'm also stung that she didn't trust my word that my concern was for my kids, and nothing more. She chose to make it a reflection on my readiness. She must have believed I was either completely out of touch with my own feelings, or that I was deliberately dishonest. Either shows a marked lack of esteem for me. And that bites. It's not much fun to be told by your romantic interest that you're not feeling what you say you're feeling, and that in fact what you are feeling is immature.

What I hate is that I so seriously considered what she said, really pondered, gave it lots of weight. I diminished myself tonight.

Don't be so hard on yourself honey. You'll learn from this. Chemistry does crazy things to ones mind (don't I know it ) and we're pretty new at all of this.

Its not a lack of esteem for you my friend - you know this craziness is about her.

She is 100% wrong here. Take it as a warning that she is not respecting your boundaries/views/feelings this early in the piece.

She is losing out on someone and don't you forget it.

((OIAL))

I think you've done the right thing.

A friend of mine was experiencing the opposite side of this with a new girlfriend who really didn't want to introduce her children to the relationship until it was well and truly established.

My take on it was that it was a very healthy thing for her to have done and that it shows great maturity.

He took a bit of convincing mind as he found it of a concern, almost as if she was ashamed of him, he just didn't get it.

Luckily he did in the end and cooled back on it and low and behold a few more months on and he has now recently met them.

I hope some of her friends will sit her down and put her straight to. It does seem to be complicated a little for some people to understand.

Stick to your guns!

I believe you took the stand you did for absolutely the right reasons. You may have dragged the point a bit further than was necessary on the night and didn't have the tools to express yourself fully but hey, there isn't a "how to tell your new partner that you want to protect your kids" ready-made script available. It's not as if you went to the "University of Divorce" so that you had the opportunity to become a a virtuoso in these matters.

Your lady friend needs to relax a bit I think and not take everything so damn personally especially so early in the relationship.

I would seriously question anybody's need to introduce me to their kids at such an early stage in the relationship. I would be running for the hills actually.

Your sentiments came right from your gut however clumsily you now feel you expressed them. For this I applaud you.

Ellejay

OIAL,

I agree with pretty much everything written above. I just wanted to add a few things.

1. I'm so happy that you met someone and clicked. That you figured out how to kiss on a date, that things seemed natural, etc. Because now you know that it can happen, and it should lessen your angst in the future when you realize that the person just isn't right.

2. There is no way you could have worded it to make her understand, so take it easy n yourself. That's like saying I wish I could have made my case for XWH to want to R on D-Day. She had her mind made up and, frankly, she sounds self-centered and immature. I don't have kids, but were I ever to date a guy with kids, I'd certainly want to make sure we were at least exclusive before meeting them. It saddens me that she wouldn't respect your boundaries (and then brings up what others she's dated did -- gah!) but I truly think you'll be better off in the long run.

I'm sorry you're hurting now, but great job on sticking to your boundaries and protecting your kids.

She only brought up prior dates because feeling flustered I asked if she hadn't dated men with children, and weren't they somewhat cautious about introducing kids.

Well, that backfired And she went on to tell me that she didn't want to be making those sorts of comparisons anyway.

She seems to have it all together, which is why I'm so flummoxed about this meeting the kids thing. It almost felt like she was the one looking for an excuse to derail things, like she was the one who isn't ready for a relationship, yet it gets put on me.

It almost felt like she was the one looking for an excuse to derail things, like she was the one who isn't ready for a relationship, yet it gets put on me.

I really think you dodged a bullet. This behavior sounds eerily familiar on this forum...

I know it's hard to see now, but when you finally meet the right lady and things really are wonderful, you'll realize why this one didn't work out.

(((OIAL)))

Well crap, Once, I'm sorry.

You were entirely right in not wanting to bring your kids into that relationship at this time. I think we all can agree on that. I'm sorry she could not understand and could not respect your boundaries.

((hugs))