SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Moving Upward's post about the first five dates got me thinking about the idea of knowing what you want when you're swimming in the dating pool. Seems like the conventional wisdom is that you should have a good idea of what kind of relationship you envison, what you are looking for in a partner, what your boundaries are, how you will handle your baggage and the other person's, and a bunch of other things that sound great in theory but might not work very well in practice. I'm sure all of us have ideas about those things before we meet someone. But when you do actually meet someone, do you stick to the list?

Or if you're not sure what you're looking for (other than the basics of someone who is not a cheater, has all their teeth, half a brain, and isn't a convicted felon) is it a bad thing just to take your chances and not have an agenda. Or if you do have one, is it ok to continue to see someone if you can't currently see it going anywhere, but time may prove you wrong?

I guess I'm asking to see what others think because I just recently stopped seeing someone who was so different from me in the beginning I hesitated to go on a second date. He stated very early in our time together that he was looking to settle down and I was clear about not being sure that's what I wanted. He, on the other hand, was sure he could convince me. I tried to let him but in the end, it just didn't work out. I feel like I let him down and wasted both of our time.

Please excuse the rambling here, but I guess I'm asking where is the tipping point--between knowing what you want and are looking for and sticking to that and keeping an open mind because you may run across someone who doesn't make sense in theory but in practice is dynamite?

When you meet someone who is so different from you and your idea of what you're looking for do you just move on? Or do you hang out and see if there's a possibility of it working, knowing also that it might not and someone is going to get their feelings hurt and think you were not being genuine with them from the start?

I keep thinking of that movie, "Fools Rush In" where Matthew Perry tells Selma Hayek, "You're exactly what I never knew I always wanted." Or something to that effect.

I hope this makes sense. Or maybe it's just time for me to open the wine. It IS Friday.

I don't always know what I want, but I definitely know what I don't want.

For example, one guy I spoke with wanted to travel the world on a sailboat when he retired in a few years. Me? Well, I get terribly seasick and the thought of sailing the world does not appeal to me at all. I would have hated to discover this after 5 dates. Or, the guy who wanted to have more kids and that wasn't in his profile. He was 50. Who wants to have more kids at 50?

I'm fairly flexible on some things, but really I'm just looking for somebody to enjoy life with in the most stress free way possible. That's not too much to ask...is it?

I sure didn't.

At the time I met my SO, I was looking for a new FWB- not a SO. I'd been single for years, and had more or less come to terms with it. All my future plans involved indefinite single-ness (travel, moving out of state for a while, buying a small condo, etc). It honestly did not occur to me that I might share my life with someone again. I mean, if you asked me to describe my fantasy partner I'd give you a list, but I'd tell you that it was silly because I'd never find that fantasy man. Until I did, LOL.

Maybe it's stupid, but now that I have met someone I think I might like to share my life with, I'm just sort of winging it. I figure when and if we decide to make it a permanent thing we can make new plans together.

One of my dating mantras:

If someone tells you something, believe them.

I have basic guidelines for what I want: a good Dad, some education, kind, decent looking and healthy, funny. Beyond that, I"m open.

But, if I hear someone say early on, "I want to multi-date", I believe them. I'm not going to try and convince them otherwise. Does that make sense?

I know exactly what I want and I'm pretty sure it's a very tall order so I've decided not to drive myself crazy looking for it.

My brief time in the dating world was the second worst experience of my life. I won't do it again.

If Mr. Perfect For Me appears in my life, in the normal course of things, I'm good to go. But I won't be out there wasting my time dating a bunch of weirdos and losers in some needle in a haystack attempt to find him.

Like DCK I wasn't looking for a relationship. Current SO and I had been friends for several years, if someone were to have told me we would end up together I would have told them they were certifiably crazy. Even if I had been looking, current SO would NOT have been the type I would have been looking for. But we were both going through periods of self discovery and development and ended up growing together.

I think as long as you have the same set of values and general wants in life it doesn't hurt to see where things go. But something big like a differing opinion on settling down probably wouldn't be worth the risk to me.

He, on the other hand, was sure he could convince me.

Sorry, but I'm not easily convinced to change my mind on anything. I may compromise but not completely change my views. The fact that he thought he could convince you to change wouldn't sit well with me.

Thanks for the responses. This month marks 7 years of being divorced for me; and for 5 of those years I've been dating. I've not had any bad experiences and have gone out with lots of men. But none that would make me want to trade my single life and being in charge of me and my time and everything else.

At some point I have to wonder if I'm too picky or I can't attract the kind of person I would even want to pick.

I think I'm with hurtinky. Your plan sounds perfect to me.

I didn't know when I started dating. I do now. I have tried to do something other than what I actually want, and it wasn't satisfying.

Truth is, I don't have time to date like I want right now. I took my profile off OLD back in November. There have been a few times I've thought about putting it back up, but I go back to the same thing every time - unless I can actually integrate the kind of relationship I would want into my current lifestyle, it's just a waste of time, so I've left it down.

I've met a few guys here and there and gone on a few dates since taking it down, but really, I'd rather just wait until I can have what I want without compromising any other part of my life. And that's not now.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 8:29 PM, March 8th (Friday)]

Actually... The last 3 years of my marriage taught me EXACTLY what I need in a husband. :D

Not all the details, but the deal breakers. The foundation. What's really important to me, as an individual. Not my wants, but my actual needs, in order to be happy.

It was a bizarre place to be in. Because I was never "taught" why one dates (aka to get married being the goal, and not a byproduct, and therefore dating with marriage in mind.) And what I absorbed osmosis style? Oy. Falling in love should NOT be the objective!!!

Its been really humbling, lately. My son is at an age where the church is starting to teach kids about marriage. (He's 10, and while not a hard and fast rule, our church has something of a 16 to start.) 6 YEARS ahead of time, the basic lessons of knowing yourself, being true to yourself, how to find a partner who both of you can be true to yourselves individually, and as a family???

And at 16-20?

I'm listening to young men and women clearly & rationally discussing having children, major life decisions, future goals, etc.

At that age?

No one I knew was having those discussions.

We'd have run screaming.

Its really mindblowing.

We got the sex talks.

Not the marriage talks.

I'm just still stunned by it.

LOL... Not that it "works" 100% of the time! But the INFORMATION is there. Early & often. In some "It took me Until my 30's to muddle that out on my own!" And the average 12yo in my church is already solid in it. So that the über hormonal older teens? Its just knee jerk "normal". Face palm.

Whoops. Back on target.

I know what I NEED.

As to what I "want", though?

I'm still learning that. The longer Im on my own, the clearer it becomes. I've never "really" been on my own before. (A few months tops, usually a few weeks, and the whole time at least half on the prowl). So its really eye opening.

I didn't always know everything I wanted. I narrowed it down to a few must haves b/c if I eliminated every one who didn't meet every single thing I wanted, I'd never date. No one is perfect. I identified my deal breakers clearly. Beyond on that, I would go on at least 1 date with most anyone that asked.

One gentleman whom had real potential as a partner was desperately allergic to horses. I'm a horse person. No way to avoid it. We ended up not pursuing a relationship b/c of that. It can be small things that don't work. I never put 'must not be allergic to horses' on my really want list before that.

I think a lot of it is just trial and error. TG is the man of my dreams, I just hadn't had this dream yet. He's totally different than I would've expected.

keeping an open mind because you may run across someone who doesn't make sense in theory but in practice is dynamite?

I wasn't looking, wasn't dating and was not interested in anything except my own agenda... Then it happened...

The ex is a nurse and hospital administrator and I'd never thought I'd date in the medical world again... KD's a doctor but to me she's simply KD...

I didn't know I "wanted" who or what KD is... I looked at her as a social friend of my family first... It was when we first started going out and talking that I found the depth of her being...

I know she didn't have an agenda or "list of wants"... Neither did I... We simply presented ourselves to each other and let the cards fall where they may...

Actually, I would have never imagined I'd wind up being with KD and she's told me the same thing...

I told her one time that I was always open to the idea of a new relationship but it would have to be a happen stance deal like a lightening strike...

WB

I knew the basics of what I wanted when I began dating again. When I met my XSO, on paper he was perfect: employed, had his own apartment; paid his own bills; close relationship with his family; got along great with teens/young adults; very affectionate; we had common interests. Sounds amazing, right? Until that close relationship with his family meant no vacations other than ONLY at the family cabin by a lake in the next state; no hanging with friends - ONLY family; that getting along great with teens and youg adults actually meant he played video games/role playing card games constantly; acted like a spoiled teenage girl (he was 41); thought he never had to help because I had kids and "isn't that what kids are for, to do stuff for you?"

So while I knew what I wanted, I also learned not to put up with what I didn't: conversations regarding my concerns with important areas of the relationship were brushed aside and disregarded. No improvement? No relationship. I refuse to be second fiddle; I will NOT allow anyone to make my kids their servants or treat them like roommates. I guess you could say I finessed what I wanted after that guy.

I think if you are open and clear with your communication then how do you mislead a date? If someone hears you say that you don't want something and has the confidence or time to pursue you and see if they can change your mind... then that is their choice. I speak from a similar place of "guilt." I accept that the emotional fallout for the other person was their choice and their risk to take. Is it presumptuous to take that choice away from a person because we know the future? (exaggerated example there)

We can't KNOW what we want exactly. We can have boundaries and expectations but even those are fluid and sometimes circumstantial. Life is discovery.

I think it is fine to spend time with decent people discovering each other and the future wants of each other (or lack of.)

The thread title made me laugh. Always know?? lol, how about ever know??

I have no idea what I really want . After my d, I said that I wanted to be remarried within 2 years....I've been divorced for almost 5 years now, and no closer to marriage.

The further out I get, I become more and more gun shy. I like my alone time and the time that I spend with my friends. But I would like to have someone in my life to talk to at the end of a day. Someone to spend time with, .....

I figure I'll know when it hits me.

short answer no

But to elaborate there is this principle in the "law of attraction" called "contrasting"

Basically you figure out what you do want by listing things you don't want, then lets say rip the have of your 'don't wants' off the page and focus on the do's so as you are staying positive.

So, here is a mini list of mine=

Don't want- a man who sleeps around with dozens of partners/contrast- A man that values sex as something he shares with someone he is in a committed relationship

Don't want- a man that has any excess addictions (sex, alcohol, drugs, smokes, gambles)-contrast- a man who finds healthy ways to deal with difficult situations and handles his emotions maturely

Don't want- a very materialistic man contrast- a man that sees true value in quality time and understands the value of relationships

ETC and etc. I haven't actually done a fullblown contrast of my idea mate, but I really need to.

You can use contrast for anything: work, buying a home, love, money etc and etc, for me it is great because I say I am indecisive but really I know exactly what I don't want, so by eliminating what I don't want what I do want shines like a diamond!