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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: ? For BS's--Missing your WW or WH
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 6 months post DDay.
This included 6 weeks in home separation (a.k.a HELL) and it's now 2 months after she moved out.

I could feel the distance growing between us during the in home separation, and i hated it. i tried desparately to prove to her that "I am worthy" and our family is worth it. I always figured the A would be a dealbreaker for me, but in reality it wasn't.

I missed her right after she moved out, and i missed the noise of my family every night in that big old house.

But, I miss her less and less each day we're apart. I always figured separating to 'find yourself' was a cop out. Just to give the WS more time and privacy to continue the A. But i can say, i actually am finding MY authentic self.

She said she needed to find HER authentic self, but she's not doing anything differently than before. Apparently her authentic self is a selfish, cheating, liar.

It would take some kind of divine intervention or maybe a permanent case of amnesia for me to take her back. I truly hate it for the kids, but I now know that i am worth so much more. My life gets better and better each day. I'm not sure yet, but i'm about to the point i think the A was my ticket out of a crappy partnership.

you see, the A was just the final straw. I always thought our marriage wasn't great, but good enough to be happy. And i was happy, because I made MYSELF happy. Looking forward to finding a new partner down the road to share this with.

Onward and Upward!


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 332 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
justanotherBH
♂ Member
Member # 38021
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is a difficult question to answer.

Hindsight being what it is, many of us began to miss the "old" spouse long before anything was evident of an affair. We just didn't recognize it at the time...Then we found out and things got complicated with the anger, the hurt, the loss of what the marriage was, etc., etc., etc.

I have tried my best to stay clear of clouding my head with a lot of the things I think trap people afterwards. I think the statements of "I didn't know them", or "they became someone I didn't recognize" are a little misguided. While none of us would have thought that they could "do" this to us, I'm sure we all at least recognized that they were a little selfish and a little immature, a little this, a little that, etc.

I think that is the BS equivalent of how the WS usually rewrites the marital history to ease their guilt of what they were doing "our marriage was crap anyway", "I was never in love with you", etc., etc., etc.

Do I miss her? Yes. Very much so. Despite all of the pain and suffering she bestowed upon me? Yes. And this is how I deal with it (which sometimes isn't very well). I made a conscious decision to stay with her. Through what were probably periods of true R and then through the eventual false R's. Each and every time I found out she had not completely gone no contact, I had to re evaluate my situation. I had to again come to a decision about trying again or pulling the plug. Those decisions were mine and mine alone. I finally had to get out when it was obvious that she was not going to come to the table to try and fix our marriage. Was I stupid for staying so long? Given how things turned out, of course I was. But that doesn't change the fact that my choice in staying each time was a gamble, a gamble that we may get to a true R, but we may not. I knew that each and every time. I did it because I loved her and because I wanted to do what was best for my family. Or you could say I was weak and codependant... either, or...

And I get to miss her. Because it was her decisions, not mine, that eventually led us to where we are now. I am responsible for how I reacted to what she was doing. But I didn't do those things for her. I don't have to feel shame, or guilt about how I handled the situation. Right, wrong or foolish, I accepted those possibilities each and every time.

So I get to miss her. I get to miss the life we had. I get to miss the mundane things like sniffing the back of her neck, or tickling her feet, or a million other things I miss.

But that doesn't change the fact that I can no longer go back. You can love someone and hate every decision they make. Eventually if they are gone, you will stop missing them. Time does heal all wounds. And forgiveness is a very powerful tool for that.

We have been seperated almost three months. I don't really miss her at this point. I'm glad for the gift of freedom she has given me. It isn't what I wanted, but I'll take it just the same. I don't need her form of toxic love anymore. But I still miss where we were at one point...but not where we are now. And I'm okay with that.


BH (me)-42
WW-39
DD12
DS8
EA DD#1 5/07
EA/PA DD#1 9/2/10
DD#2 4/2/11
DD#3 9/11
DD#4 12/26/12
12/31/13 divorced.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: californy
RemoursefulGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I are currently separated since my DD. Although we are going to MC and seeing one another once a week I feel like if there is any hope of a true reconciliation that this separation isn't going to be very helpful. Everyone's responses kind of reiterated this in that being apart really just allows people to become independent without their significant other. It's an easy way to detach while still getting to see your your husband or wife one day or so a week to see "if it's still there". I'm just not getting that warm fuzzy feeling that this is going to end well and honestly I think if we were living under same roof, it would. I'm getting very anxious and trying to not let it get the best of me. Divorce is such a permanent thing.....I really don't want this to get to that point. Thinking I may bring this up in our MC session tomorrow.


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce is such a permanent thing.

As permanent as marriage..

being apart really just allows people to become independent without their significant other.

Codependency is a bitch together or apart. Do you feel independence is a bad thing?

I'm just not getting that warm fuzzy feeling that this is going to end well and honestly I think if we were living under same roof, it would.

Weren't you under the same roof when you had your A?

As long as your focused on the marriage or him, nothing will change for you. Good luck


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
RemoursefulGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hardlessons-

No, being independent is a fabulous thing. But having the person you love as your partner by your side--nothing in the world compares to that. I don't necessarily NEED it, but it's something that I will struggle with when it's gone. Why didn't I think about this possiblity when I made the choice i did? Because I'm a complete fucking idiot who wasn't thinking at all. Do I deserve what I get? Probably so.

Yes, for the most part we were under the same roof during the A. There were however a few events going on that caused us to not be for long periods at time while this was going on. Not an excuse though, I know this.


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
RemoursefulGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to focus on me. I am trying hard to keep my mind occupied and not focus on all of our past memories, and all of the memories that will never be made if Divorce is what happens...it's so hard and i'm sure everyone has been at this point where things feel hopeless. I imagine that eventually I'll have to wake up and realize life goes on but right now I'm having a difficult time not thinking about all of the sad things. I wish more than anything I could focus.


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me ask you a question.

Are you here because you want to fix you or because you want to find a way to get your BH back?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5071 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
RemoursefulGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A mix of both I suppose. I'm here for guidance and support from a variety of different people in varying situations to help me get through this difficult time


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hindsight being what it is, many of us began to miss the "old" spouse long before anything was evident of an affair. We just didn't recognize it at the time...Then we found out and things got complicated with the anger, the hurt, the loss of what the marriage was, etc., etc., etc.

this is spot on. I was independent before I got married. My dad made sure of that.

Right now, Im ok with reconciling, and Im ok if we dont. I do believe seperation was good for us cause my WS didnt believe fat meat was greasy... We shall see what happens though.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aesir- are you and your wife going to go through with the divorce then since you are now separated? Did you ask for the separation or did your wife? Sorry for all the questions. Thanks so much for giving me your insight
Sort of a strange situation. We decided on divorce before doing the actual separation (logistics issues). What I found was that the idea of the divorce was so much easier after we separated. The separation helped to end any feelings of sadness and regret, the desire for a better past, it helped move everything into the "it is what it is" category.

ETA: I realized I only partially answered.
As for who asked for it... it was a mutual thing. She was just starting up another round of the whole cycle, and I decided I could not do it all again and wanted off, and she was feeling that way with all the excitement of her new life that she was blaming me for driving her to...

[This message edited by aesir at 12:47 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I missed my WH the second he left.. the second I kicked him out..the second I knew he was cheating.. I still miss him even though we are in R. I miss being able to trust him, I miss not questioning every single word that comes out of his mouth. I miss everything I thought we had together.
However, I think he truly does love me more now, but I am not sure that it is mutual.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 313 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Luvlyla
♀ Member
Member # 38692
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like above, i missed him during the affair, i REALLY missed him after my first DDay, he wasnt being remorseful, and yet he was the only person i wanted advice from in that situation, having been good friends for ten years. that was the most difficult part.

but because he was unavailable i grabbed the reigns and kicked him out for two months. i dont think he was truly out of the fog until those two months.

i now realise the guy i missed was a fiction of my own imagination, i missed who i thought he was, not him as he really was.

after that it was better, he wasnt the same man, but a new one, he was in IC and the future seemed rosy.

then DDay 2 happened, and out he went again. and for weeks i missed him, but i realize i missed a fictional view of the what the future would be with him, not him as he is.

I dont miss checking up on him, i dont miss all the worry, i dont miss having ask him a question and not knowing whether its truth or lies, and doubting myself.

when all coloured glasses are off and you see the truth, its hard to miss what you denied was so hard for so long.


When he's your Romeo,
and you're not his Juliet,
it means you are Rosaline
- and you survive the play.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss him everyday but not sure if he feels the same. When we see each other I walk into the apartment we've shared for years and feel like a guest. I feel the way I used to when he first lived by himself and I lived with my parents and would go visit him. When I am at my friend's place she and I laugh and talk and go out to eat and it feels like I am establishing life without him. I realize every story I relay has his name in it and oh god I miss him so. But when I am with him I miss him too and I miss me. I was carefree and happy go lucky and optimistic. I don't smile that much anymore, life is a lot more serious for me now and I've turned a bit cynical. The words "it is what it is" have been uttered by me in the past months more then I have ever said them in my entire life. I miss him, I miss him laughing and joking, I miss him playing with my hair, I miss his goofy smile, I miss his care an and concern, I miss his playful flirty side that he is now showing another woman. I miss us, I miss being "the" couple that would love and make it through anything.

Being separated is showing me that even if we are not together I can make it and that is scary and yet brings relief. It is scary because he is the only future I ever wanted and I don't want to lose him but it might be too late.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
englishrose
♀ Member
Member # 34974
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I missed fWH from the start.

He left, actually I tipped him out within two days of the first dday.

He didn't argue about leaving much tho, he used the spare time,energy and money to philander with OW even more. It gave him some space and he had a great time with her it seemed.

But I longed for him, and I missed him terribly.

This continued in varying degrees tbh. At the time of the second dday (we were apart then, and he was still denying his R/A with OW). It was at this point that I had to say no more. I started what I now realise was the 180. In protecting myself and DSs from further pain and trying to regain some kind of normality I began to not long for fWH as much. In fact I was getting on pretty well considering. I didn't miss him a fraction as much as I had before.




me BW 46 WH 43
DS 7
DS's 21 & 19 (my boys - from my previous marriage)
Ddays 3&17/3/2011



Posts: 186 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 34
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