Good for you for wanting to change who you are
First, thank you for breaking off the EA with the MM and I admire you for taking responsibility.
It is also very fortunate that the BS discovered the EA before it could progress beyond ALL your boundries into a PA.
I am not discounting the devastation of EAs, they have ended many Ms. However, speaking as a BS that hoped early on that I was dealing with an EA the truth it was a PA truly destroyed me!
I was in false R with WW for 5 months before I discovered that the PA had went underground.
I remain thankful that I found out about the A going underground. Immediatly after DD I was in a huge BS fog wanting desperately to believe that my WW was in real R. The truth that she was still lying hurt but ultimately REALLY helped me in my search for the truth and real healing!
Please tell the BS!
It will sting her but ultimately she will appreciate the truth.
Telling the BS the truth will also help you. It is NEVER too late to do the RIGHT thing!
Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.
Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.
I would DIE if I thought it ended and it didn't. I would be mad that I missed out on the life I could have been living without my dishonest H. Sounds like he will just pick up an A with someone else. Like being caught didn't matter. He liked being in an A too much. I would want to know!
I read your story. I believe you. Thank you for realizing the pain involved. I wish OW would contact me and apologize. It would make me feel better. But only because it's two years out. I'd be happy if she felt guilty. Right now I don't think she gives a shit. :(
Married 9 years
TT 6/27/11 EA was a PA too :(
Two Years 5/29/13 STILL IN LIMBO! WTF!
your the bitter bunny boiling ow if her husband has implied that of you after his dd, or she will not beleive you etc, realy think about how it may effect you emotionally afterwards, i dident contact ex mm wife after both dds as when i made the choice to walk away for good i healed myself without inflicting more pain on a woman who knows nothing about me or my name
I'm not too familiar with FOW healing processes and what is recommended, so take this with a grain of salt. While it is good to prepare yourself for a multitude of responses, I don't think your emotional state is the priority here, i.e whether or not it will suck to be the bunny boiler. I mean, your emotional healing is critical, of course - but you can process her response and still come out emotionally healthy, even if it is difficult in the short-term. In the short-term, BW comes first. It is the least any OP can do.
FWIW, as others have said, the OW would not have inflicted more pain on me by telling. I would say NOT telling is inflicting far, far more harm. Walking away and leaving them at peace is not protecting anyone (IMO).
In an ideal world, I'd want to hear info from the other BS. But, in lieu of that for whatever reason, I'd actually WANT to hear from OW (which I did). Random people = random hearsay in my mind. NOT trustworthy since they weren't involved. OW is the source. Sure, she might think you're lying. But let's give the BS some credit. She has a reality and a context from which she can evaluate your contacting her. She can evaluate your evidence, etc. When I met with OW, I surely knew she was spewing some serious bullshit at moments because, you know, I know my WH and her story didn't fit him totally. And I had my own timeline. But I was also able to glean some truth. The BS will figure it out. And she may not be as fragile as you think. Give her credit, give her the truth.
W/H-currently has a new girlfriend. We are still living in same house.
As a BW, for me personally, it was the lies. months and months of lying. every single day is a struggle to put myself out there....to make the leap to try and rebuild the trust....to rebuild the connection. That is enormously painful...every single minute of every single day...its a gaping open wound, bleeding profusely.
If i was putting myself thru all that only to find out months later it was all based on MORE LIES, MORE DECEIT, FALSE RECONCILIATION.......i cant even fond the words.
Tell her. Snail mail and include some proof for her. Nothing graphic, tho.
You need to tell her. Technically you are still having A with MM even if you are in NC. I agree that you need to keep it non-personal, Email. You need to keep it short. Be clear there is NC. If you need to provide reasoning, just tell her you are not going to be the one to deny her the truth. The truth will set you free.
Give her the truth and then walk away. It is her M and she needs to work it out with her H.
I do applaud you for walking away. Continue working on yourself. Best of luck.
I was very remorseful and apologetic in my email, but short and to the point. I didn't mention my pain or struggles, I made sure she knew I knew I was responsible for her pain.
I hope I have done the right thing.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
You did the right thing regardless of the motive.
I will say this - as the OW, you're one of only two people with direct knowledge of what happened during the A. Chances are good that BW will never want to speak to you. But if you put it out there to her that you were willing to answer any questions she might have, there's always the possibility she might contact you. Your honesty about the A will probably never be seen as a gift, but it might nonetheless be some small help to her.