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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Tell the BW or no?
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would maybe email her proof from an email your AP wouldn't know. Maybe not say anything if your proof is enough. If not, say very little. Knowing it is you giving her the info will make it hurt worse I would assume.

Good for you for wanting to change who you are


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
MissMovingOn
♀ Member
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, March 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she deserves to know. I would want to know. She's living a lie, and as SisterMilkshake quoted, it's better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie!


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
FINAL FINAL DDay - August 8, 2014. I AM DONE!

Posts: 418 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
whatlysbeneath
♂ Member
Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

S1,

BS here.

First, thank you for breaking off the EA with the MM and I admire you for taking responsibility.

It is also very fortunate that the BS discovered the EA before it could progress beyond ALL your boundries into a PA.

I am not discounting the devastation of EAs, they have ended many Ms. However, speaking as a BS that hoped early on that I was dealing with an EA the truth it was a PA truly destroyed me!

I was in false R with WW for 5 months before I discovered that the PA had went underground.

I remain thankful that I found out about the A going underground. Immediatly after DD I was in a huge BS fog wanting desperately to believe that my WW was in real R. The truth that she was still lying hurt but ultimately REALLY helped me in my search for the truth and real healing!

Please tell the BS!

It will sting her but ultimately she will appreciate the truth.

Telling the BS the truth will also help you. It is NEVER too late to do the RIGHT thing!


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
dov46
♀ Member
Member # 29283
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J: It isn't what I heard either:(


ME:BS (46)
HIM:WH (37)
Husband caught in EA/PA 1/09. Filed for Divorce 2/09.
Reconciled 3/09....remains rocky!
Dday #2?-1/23/12
Divorced 6/26/12
It's the friends you can call up at 4:00 a.m. that matter....Marlene Dietrich

Posts: 156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From:
scared&stronger
♀ Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't care what the motivation is for telling....she should know she has been in false recovery.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3971 | Registered: Aug 2007
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here. Please tell her, and provide the proof to her so he can't keep lying. I WOULD want to know, no matter who told me.
It's the right thing to do.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 598 | Registered: Mar 2003
covergirl20
♀ Member
Member # 32325
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're taking votes. Yes she should know. No I wouldn't want to hear it from the OW.

I would DIE if I thought it ended and it didn't. I would be mad that I missed out on the life I could have been living without my dishonest H. Sounds like he will just pick up an A with someone else. Like being caught didn't matter. He liked being in an A too much. I would want to know!

I read your story. I believe you. Thank you for realizing the pain involved. I wish OW would contact me and apologize. It would make me feel better. But only because it's two years out. I'd be happy if she felt guilty. Right now I don't think she gives a shit. :(

Good Luck.


BW 31
WH 35
DS-8 years, DD-2 years DD- 10 months

Married 9 years
D-day 5/29/11
TT 6/27/11 EA was a PA too :(
Two Years 5/29/13 STILL IN LIMBO! WTF!


Posts: 269 | Registered: May 2011
snookie
♀ Member
Member # 36569
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi, im a former ow and i would suggest that you strongly think about the reasons as to why you want to contact his bw and be totally clear on the fact that the conversation can go either way, ie, your the bitter bunny boiling ow if her husband has implied that of you after his dd, or she will not beleive you etc, realy think about how it may effect you emotionally afterwards, i dident contact ex mm wife after both dds as when i made the choice to walk away for good i healed myself without inflicting more pain on a woman who knows nothing about me or my name, i also deleted every single text message, emai and other affair related stuff in order to move on and find my own closure in dealing with the magnitude of emotions and guilt etc, hope this helps a little bit

Posts: 86 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: uk
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

your the bitter bunny boiling ow if her husband has implied that of you after his dd, or she will not beleive you etc, realy think about how it may effect you emotionally afterwards, i dident contact ex mm wife after both dds as when i made the choice to walk away for good i healed myself without inflicting more pain on a woman who knows nothing about me or my name

I'm not too familiar with FOW healing processes and what is recommended, so take this with a grain of salt. While it is good to prepare yourself for a multitude of responses, I don't think your emotional state is the priority here, i.e whether or not it will suck to be the bunny boiler. I mean, your emotional healing is critical, of course - but you can process her response and still come out emotionally healthy, even if it is difficult in the short-term. In the short-term, BW comes first. It is the least any OP can do.

FWIW, as others have said, the OW would not have inflicted more pain on me by telling. I would say NOT telling is inflicting far, far more harm. Walking away and leaving them at peace is not protecting anyone (IMO).

In an ideal world, I'd want to hear info from the other BS. But, in lieu of that for whatever reason, I'd actually WANT to hear from OW (which I did). Random people = random hearsay in my mind. NOT trustworthy since they weren't involved. OW is the source. Sure, she might think you're lying. But let's give the BS some credit. She has a reality and a context from which she can evaluate your contacting her. She can evaluate your evidence, etc. When I met with OW, I surely knew she was spewing some serious bullshit at moments because, you know, I know my WH and her story didn't fit him totally. And I had my own timeline. But I was also able to glean some truth. The BS will figure it out. And she may not be as fragile as you think. Give her credit, give her the truth.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here - tell her. She needs to know. When you do tell her, please be remorseful and truthful. If she has questions, answer them honestly.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2011
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to tell her. I am not sure how, but you need to tell her. She needs to make some decisions.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 313 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
thegooddokta
♀ Member
Member # 35641
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to call the OM's BW for the longest time, but didn't for all the reasons mentioned here. It is now 10 months later and my desire to speak with her remained. A lot has happened, but OM wound up starting another affair before we ended ours, and both he and OW left their spouses and had a relationship ( i just found this out). Three divorces. For a variety of reasons, I wound up contacting the other AP. We talked....and talked...and compared notes. She wound up breaking up with him that day realizing he lied and lied and had begun to lay the ground work to cheat again. Then SHE called the BW. Apologized, talked, etc. The BW wound up asking her for my # and if it was okay to call me. I said "of course!". She called. We talked for 2 hours. I told her the whole story. Turns our she didn't know much and I was able to answer all of her questions. She forgave me, and even thanked me for helping to free her from a relationship with a NPD. It was weird, and amazing. She gave me absolution and I got unstuck. The three of us have continued to correspond via text....all getting clairty and bonding. I know this is unusual, but I think its helping all of us to heal, knowing we were all impacted by a NPD, serial cheater. The BW said it helped her a great deal to talk to me and she thanked me repeatedly for my openess....even apologized to me for what I went through. I know this isn't typical, but it shows that you never know how positive it can be to communicate until you do it. I now wish I had called her in the beginning like I wanted to. Could have saved her a lot of wondering and trying and pain.


Me- BW 43
Him- WH 35
1stDday Dday 4-19-12
Married 9 yrs
Divorce sched for June 2013
2 kids 5 & 8

W/H-currently has a new girlfriend. We are still living in same house.


Posts: 118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: CT
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here....i dont normally read or post in the W forum....but i feel compelled.

Tell her.

As a BW, for me personally, it was the lies. months and months of lying. every single day is a struggle to put myself out there....to make the leap to try and rebuild the trust....to rebuild the connection. That is enormously painful...every single minute of every single day...its a gaping open wound, bleeding profusely.

If i was putting myself thru all that only to find out months later it was all based on MORE LIES, MORE DECEIT, FALSE RECONCILIATION.......i cant even fond the words.

Tell her. Snail mail and include some proof for her. Nothing graphic, tho.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
budbusch
♂ New Member
Member # 35946
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shameful1,
AS a fWH, I know the A is never over until every secret has been revealed. I once tried to control information to my wife. I soon found out, I had no right to determine what she should or should not know.

You need to tell her. Technically you are still having A with MM even if you are in NC. I agree that you need to keep it non-personal, Email. You need to keep it short. Be clear there is NC. If you need to provide reasoning, just tell her you are not going to be the one to deny her the truth. The truth will set you free.

Give her the truth and then walk away. It is her M and she needs to work it out with her H.

I do applaud you for walking away. Continue working on yourself. Best of luck.


ME: fWH 30
HER: BW 29
OW#1 2001 preM ONS
OW#2 2001 preM cooworker
2002 DS Born
OW#3 2002 preM ONS
2003 M
OW#4 2005 co-worker several months
OW#5 2005 co-worker several months
OW#6 2005 co-worker a few months
OW#7 2010 co-worker a few mo

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: MD
Shameful1
♀ New Member
Member # 38623
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent her an email yesterday with an attachment of the proof. I did create a new email to send it. I wasn't sure if she would want a way to contact me if she has any questions.

I was very remorseful and apologetic in my email, but short and to the point. I didn't mention my pain or struggles, I made sure she knew I knew I was responsible for her pain.

I hope I have done the right thing.


Affair with MM - 05/2010 - 10/2012
Broke it off 10/13/2012
I despise myself and what I have done. Looking for answers


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2013
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for telling her. As a BW I know I would appreciate knowing the whole truth regardless of the amount of pain it causes.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
cletuswv
♂ Member
Member # 37463
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have without a doubt done the right thing.


Me: BH 40
Her: WW 35
DDay #1: 9/28/2012
TT until:
DDay #2: 1/03/2013
2.5 yr LTA EA/PA
Dday #3 6/19/2013 OM #2
DD 4
DS 7
She moved out on 7/2/2013

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: The best Virginia
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I have done the right thing.

This is a hard one. But, as long as you did it for the right reasons, I think you did the right thing.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4561 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
whatlysbeneath
♂ Member
Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, March 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank You S1,

You did the right thing regardless of the motive.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
rivenheart
♀ Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BW, I think you did the right thing. There's no good way to find out your S has been screwing around. So long as you were truly telling the BW out of a sense of fairness, and not angling for any emotional leverage on her or the WS, then you done good, or as good as possible in a terrible situation.

I will say this - as the OW, you're one of only two people with direct knowledge of what happened during the A. Chances are good that BW will never want to speak to you. But if you put it out there to her that you were willing to answer any questions she might have, there's always the possibility she might contact you. Your honesty about the A will probably never be seen as a gift, but it might nonetheless be some small help to her.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
Topic Posts: 63
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