Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Paul982 (44880)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not sure if he ever really loved me....
RemoursefulGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So here is the dilemma...BH/ MH say he trusts me now. I came out and offered to install an application on my phone which tracks GPS, logs all of my calls/texts/emails etc...and he said he appreciates it, but I don't need to do that bc he doesn't think I'd make this mistake again. More or less now he says the issue is that he doesn't know if he ever really loved me. After my A he had a month and half to think about our entire relationship and he says that looking back now he may have just THOUGHT he loved me...he says he doesn't know for sure but that is why he is hesitant to jump back in to reconciliation. That he thinks I have been emotionally detached for a while and that he never really felt appreciated. That I didn't always run up and give him a hug when he got home from work and that sometimes I didn't even like for him to hug me. I realize that I have issues with affection sometimes. It's not that I don't love him with all of my heart, but I've just never been a very touchy feely person...I've never truly been happy with myself (these are all things I'm exploring in IC and things I believe I've come along with throughout this traumatic journey we've been on since DD. He claims that maybe the only thing that was holding us together was the trust and after my betrayal that's a big chunk of what we had. I've always had a hard time communicating with him and quite honestly, although it wasn't reason to do what I did, I felt like his attention was more focused on golf then it ever was on me. It got to a point in our marriage where I felt like I didn't want to ask him to set aside a day of golf, I wanted HIM to want to spend that time with me. I realize the right way to handle this would have been to just ask him for what I needed, so I have no excuse for my actions BUT, I slightly feel like I wasn't so crazy after all when I felt he didn't really care....or that he was giving me the attention I wanted to badly. If deep down inside he never REALLY loved me yet he was pretty much just tolerating me then my feelings all make sense now. Whether he realized it or not, this is how he always made me feel in a way.

Maybe If he said, "I know I really loved you before the A or the wife I knew before the A, but now after the betrayal not so much" but he didn't. Guess I'm kind of rambling now and I can't really express the point I'm trying to make....pretty much I don't think I'm so crazy anymore for feeling distant from him and feeling like I couldn't communicate very well.


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
RemoursefulGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless of course what I did just really fucked with his head so much he is rewriting our marriage....I feel like it would be so much easier for him to just walk away and move on if he didn't really love me. He didn't HAVE to agree to MC or date nights....in fact, he was completely not up for it once DD occurred bc he thought an A is a deal breaker for him. So I'm personally shocked he even agreed to try at all. The fact is, he is worried that the changes I'm making now won't stick. Or that I won't be happy with the new person I'm becoming....I don't know how to help him see past this without time...lots of time.


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does any of what he said change what you need to change in yourself or what you need to be focused on?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4828 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

looking back now he may have just THOUGHT he loved me...he says he doesn't know for sure but that is why he is hesitant to jump back in to reconciliation. That he thinks I have been emotionally detached for a while and that he never really felt appreciated. That I didn't always run up and give him a hug when he got home from work and that sometimes I didn't even like for him to hug me.

Could this be his WH half talking? Kind of a twist on ilybinilwy?


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1419 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
RemoursefulGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KnigntsBFF: I don't really know. I know that he's mentioned in the past (before DD) that some of these behaviors bothered him. Never really made a big deal about them though until now. I wish I could say I knew this was a "WS fog" but being as thought I was a WS first I don't know that I have the right to call it a fog? I guess in a way I do bc he is convincing himself that he only THINKS he loved me over the last 11 yrs (and to me that includes 10 yrs of good memories and times that I KNOW we had together--when no secrets were between us)

Tired Girl- yes, it does. It just sucks bc my head is so effed up right now. I don't trust my judgement at all...I knew there were a lot of things I needed to work on but his comment today opens a whole new array of things I now feel like are wrong with me :(


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
RemoursefulGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't help that I'm not thrilled with this MC we're seeing. He's not bad but he's not great. He doesn't really give much guidance other then having us talk things out amongst ourselves. We've gotten over the communication hump now (for the most part) and now we need direction. The H says I'm doing everything I can and that the problem lies in him now and he needs assistance getting to that next level with me. My counselor is advocating this separation we're in which I think is horrible for our M at this point. We really need to be living under the same roof if we want to work through this. He needs to see the changes I'm making and feel that connection on a daily basis...not just once a week.

I mentioned a new MC to my H but he doesn't want to start the process all over again w a new counselor (we've had around 4 -5 sessions w this one so far)...I don't blame him, I don't want to start with someone new either but I don't feel like we're getting to the next page in the chapter now. We're kinda stuck.

The H really should be seeing an IC too, but I'm scared I pick one for him that advocates divorce or separation. I want someone to help us in the right direction, not tear us farther apart. I've heard some IC horror stories on her and they are stuck in my mind now. Pretty much we both left MC today exhausted and in the same position as yesterday. No growth.


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RG,

This shouldn't change anything for you. You continue to work on the things that you feel you need to work on. If your H has feelings right now about the M he needs to work through that. And you can't work that process for him as much as you might want to. And I see you desperately wanting to . You want that more than you want to fix you.

At some point I hope you can get to a point where you see what we mean here when we say let go of the outcomes. You can't control what he does or control his healing. The one and only thing you have control of right now is you. So fix that. I know it isn't what you want right now, I get it. It wasn't what I wanted to hear in the beginning either, but it was the truth nonetheless.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4828 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, March 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that he's mentioned in the past (before DD) that some of these behaviors bothered him. Never really made a big deal about them though until now.

I'm the BW. There were a lot of things my H did before the A that bothered me. But I never really pushed for change, because I don't like conflict and I loved him even with the issues. After the A, I am no longer tolerant of many of those things. I suppose my thought is that there's no way I'm putting up with those issues AND cheating. I no longer have the inclination to put up with things that probably didn't seem like a "big deal" before the A.

Picture a glass of water, half full. The issues I referred to above are the water. And for a long time they were contained in the glass and they never overflowed my patience. But the A was like dropping a huge rock into the glass. Now it doesn't take nearly as much water as it did before to overflow the glass.

Perhaps that's where he's at with the affection/communication/appreciation issues he's dealing with?

Great advice from tired girl:

This shouldn't change anything for you. You continue to work on the things that you feel you need to work on. If your H has feelings right now about the M he needs to work through that. And you can't work that process for him as much as you might want to. And I see you desperately wanting to . You want that more than you want to fix you.

At some point I hope you can get to a point where you see what we mean here when we say let go of the outcomes. You can't control what he does or control his healing. The one and only thing you have control of right now is you. So fix that. I know it isn't what you want right now, I get it. It wasn't what I wanted to hear in the beginning either, but it was the truth nonetheless.

Sounds like you're listening in on my counseling sessions Letting go of that need to control others & outcomes is difficult, no matter whether you're the BS or the WS.

(((RemoursefulGirl)))

[This message edited by MFC2011 at 1:12 AM, March 15th (Friday)]


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, March 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What MFC2011 said. I am a bw, and there are things that I was fine with pre A that are completely not ok anymore. Some of it in day to day, some of it in communication, some of it big and some of it small. In our attempt at R, we may very well end up with D because I am demanding a different M. My WH has asked many times why I can't be satisfied with a return to pre A marriage and habits.
A) that is not possible
B) the A and his choices changed everything

I am not saying you are asking for that. It sounds like you are doing a lot of work. Keep working on you.

But I would consider a new MC or give current MC a chance with really specific goals or problems. I find even with my IC that coming to the table with specific goals or issues each session helps a lot.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, March 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you tell the MC how you feel about the separation idea? (I agree it is a bad idea)

Does the MC know about your BS/WS's cheating?

Personally, I would guess your BH/WH is rewriting history. But love isn't a feeling. It's actions. That is why love can "fade over time." Because we (the collective we meaning humans) don't put enough effort into it.

Have you read the 5 Love Languages yet? It is like 5th grade level reading, but it is spot on accurate. It helped my R a lot. I realize you are not there, but it gives some perspective. May help.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1973 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
wifeno2
♀ Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, March 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here. There were red flags and marital problems prior to the A. But I thought I loved him. I thought I knew and understood him. I made excuses for his issues prior to the A based on the person I thought he was.

I question this now because after the A I started seeing who he really is. He decieved me. He was not the person he presented himself to be.

And this may sound harsh but I don't know that I could ever really love someone that I can't respect. Someone that would deceive, betray, hurt, lie over and over. Someone so incredibly selfish is hard to respect. Those traits outweigh any of his more surface positive traits.

So now I think I never loved him because I didn't know the real him. I loved the image that he was presenting.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
ladypersephone
♀ Member
Member # 38638
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless of course what I did just really fucked with his head so much he is rewriting our marriage....I feel like it would be so much easier for him to just walk away and move on if he didn't really love me.

There is a lot of subliminal truth here. It is likely possible that he is unable to see through the pain right now. There were probably some problems before the A, there usually are. But it obviously wasn't all bad all the time, right?

My BS has said we were so in love and had a great marriage pre A and said that we were in an awful marriage post A. I remember coming to him one time pre A and saying I was really concerned about use moving in different directions. He swore up and down that we had so much in common and a lot to love each other. You couldn't pry that from his lips right now.

I guess try not to take it so personally. That is hard, I know. But the truth is that he did love you and does care enough to try. It really may just be a dealbreaker for him . That doesn't mean you are a bad person or you didn't try. It's just something he may not be able to get past, which is too bad because I can tell you really do love him and realize how much you screwed up.


WW (Me) 33 (MH)
BS/RA (him) 36 (MH)

Formerly fiercely in love.
Currently on desolation row...


Posts: 55 | Registered: Mar 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, March 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With the MH sitch thrown in, my answer is now a little different.

I would never go back to the way things were. For goodness sakes, that ended in an affair. I now demand things that I took for granted the first time around. Now, I think I am in the drivers seat and can demand what I think is right.(without treating her as subhuman)

With the MH factor, well, you guys have some boundaries to set together.

Make him own HIS shit. You own yours. Together you may make a hellu'va team. Individually, you need IC, not MC.

MC is for when you both want it.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2789 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 13

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.