OK, firstly, just stop for a second and take a few deep breaths.
OK, so she basically works with the guy. You need to understand that this situation cannot continue. It just can't. As long as there is continued contact she will never let go of him. forget about him, he's not the issue here, your wife is. so here is what you need to do.
I'm sure you love your wife, but to have a chance to ending this pain you need to give her some tough love. Sit her down, and calmly, but firmly explain the following;
This crap ends now. today. She goes No Contact immediately. No last phone calls. no saying goodbye. No emails. This means she needs to change jobs. If she cannot change jobs then she needs to be explaining to her boss that she cannot continue working with that client, and explaining why. I know that's a nightmare, but she needs to choose between her job and her husband. That's just the reality she has created. I want to make it very clear that time and time again we see this happening and there just cannot, cannot be any continued contact between your wife and this guy. As long as there is ANY contact then sparks are going to catch light and this nightmare will not end. she may well get angry about this and blame you for her career going belly up, but just remember this is her bed, not yours. She is going to shout and scream and be unwilling to accept this reality but you need to hold firm. She has put herself in the position of choosing between the job and her family. But she will avoid making that choice until you make her face it.
Rules for the confrontation
1. Calmness rules. No shouting, no rage. You are Mr reasonable. It's tempting to blow your top but remember you have a child in the house, and equally remember that whilst she is betarying you, no-one deserves to be frightened in their own home. So keep your cool.
2. Don't listen to the lies.
3. Don't reveal your sources of information. If you do, she may seek new ways to hide information from you.
4. Be firm. Have an agenda and stick to it. This is very much a "This happens or this happens" situation.
The actions you want are
1. No contact and immediate action to change jobs or prevent no contact. and it needs to be verifiable
2. All usernames and passwords for all bank accounts, email accounts, facebook accounts, phone accounts. Everything.
3. Complete honesty and transparency. she tells you where she is going and who with, at all times. No LIES.
4. She needs to commit to some form of professional guidance. In time, to marriage guidance.
She will probably object to being treated like a child. Actually this is natural as you ARE treating her like a child, but remember that she is behaving like a child so you are simply acting appropriately.
Explain that any problems with any of the above give you a loud and clear message that she is unwilling to recommit to the marriage, and you will act appropriately. Leave it at that. However if that happens then you need to come back here and tell us, because the advice will change at that point.
You need to tell the other man's wife. And don't warn your wife, don't threaten to do it, don't tell her you are going to do it. They will just get their stories straight and you will end up looking like a madman. The OMs wife deserves to know the truth, and you need someone else who knows the truth to watch out for the two of them getting back together. the sad fact is you are going to have to treat your wife like a bit of a child for the moment. Believe what you see, not what you here.
Stay away from the OM. He's had enough involvement in your life, and he's not your problem. You'd get no joy from him anyway, and he wouldn't listen to a word you said. The only person that would get hurt from that it is you. focus on your priorities. Your child, yourself, and only then your marriage.
The child. I am not in favour of putting the child in the middle of infidelity, so you can't really use her behaviour to the child as ammunition. Remember that the affair is really all about her. It doesn't reflect on you or your child. However, you need to seek legal advice and put your financial affairs in order. Keep all the evidence you have found as you may need it. I'm so sorry, this must sound so terrible to you, but right now the only person on your side, and on the side of your child, is YOU, and you need to protect yourself.
You need to start reading the healing library. There is an awesome amount of information in there, all written by people who have been through what you are now experiencing, have survived and come through the other side scarred but wiser.
I can tell you from my own reconciliation that your wife is still there, and you have a chance at putting your marriage back together. But it WILL NOT happen because you love her. You cannot love someone out of an affair. You cannot control her at all, and you cannot MAKE her love you again or commit to your marriage. However, your best shot is tough love. your best shot will be if you drag her kicking and screaming back into the reality and make her face the consequences of being a wife and mother. As long as she can deny reality and live in fantasy then she will - why not, fantasy is always more attractive than reality.
It's crap that you are here, but you really have found the best resource on the web for this nightmare you find yourself in. Keep posting, and look after yourself.
[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 11:27 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]
