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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do we ever really find out / understand 'why' affair happened?
tooloyal
♀ Member
Member # 36310
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have talked and talked about 'why' my WH had an affair.... the answer can vary a little at times depending on whether he is being open or feels threatened by my questions (due to feeling guilty).
The reason he has given most often is 'I was questioning my feelings for you at the time...' I find it hard to accept this as a feasable reason as we were getting along very well, no problems that I was aware of, but he was having problems at work which was exacerbated by us hardly seeing each other due to our work schedules and he admits to lonliness at that time.
My questions is...do WS ever really understand 'why' they had an affair...why couldn't they talk to their spouses if they felt unhappy within the marriage?
I would welcome input from WS

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: UK
poopylala
♀ Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never got the explicit "this is why I did it" explanation but we went to counseling to work on communication which opened our eyes to a whole new world of our relationship. We began to understand each other's previous coping mechanisms and how we felt about ourselves and what we saw in each other. These things helped me understand what lead to Dday and it was enough to let me move forward with my life and our relationship.

Communication I think is almost if not definitely always a factor that leads to an A. How many times have you told someone something and they didn't seem to understand you? You felt frustrated didn't you? It continues to build into a wall between you and the person.

The other thing is that it's not often unhappiness in the marriage I think as it is unhappiness with themselves. There is a reason inside each WS that allowed them to go forth with what they did.

I had an EA without realizing that's what was happening (slippery slope) and when I felt a line was crossed, I stopped it and confessed that an EA happened to fwbf. I was too broken to understand why I did it or how it happened. I didn't think anything was wrong with me at the time, either. Then fwbf began his EA-turned-PA, followed by a ONS and several months later, dday happened. THAT is what it took for us to address our individual and relationship issues.


BGF (me)- 25
FWBF (him)- 24
Was in a LTR but it's complicated now

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 961 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
leccden
♂ Member
Member # 16126
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me there is no real answer to that question. I feel that any answer we get from our WS is more of an excuse then why they did it.

I believe they need to figure out what caused them to cross that line. We all know how wrong it is. We are all responsible for our choices.

[This message edited by leccden at 3:51 PM, March 18th (Monday)]


BS me-47
WS her-47(Authenticnow)


Posts: 420 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New york
OktoberMest
♀ Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, I believe this:
'I was questioning my feelings for you at the time...'
is not a why.

It's much deeper than that.

I'm not sure the BS will ever really be satisfied with the why the WS reaches - because there is always this very logical question outstanding:

why couldn't they talk to their spouses if they felt unhappy within the marriage?

The trouble is twofold here. Frst you're asking that question assuming the person has healthy strategies in place, because healthy people WOULD act that way. As we all know the WS is far from healthy, so this doesn't work.
Equally, you are assuming here that a spouse must be unhappy in their A to have an A. And they don't. I wasn't. We went meeting each other needs, but I was perfectly "happy". Or so I thought. But not healthy or aware.

I know how I had an A. I pretty sure I understand the bulk of why I did it too. I think my BH does too. I shall probably keep discovering stuff too.
So yes I think a WS can understand why - but you really have to rip yourself apart to get there.

The why you have is, IMO not a why, it's an excuse.


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately for my H, he'll only know my side; OM is long dead, so no closure for H.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2854 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Jeyana
♀ Member
Member # 38464
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uh ya. Gratification. To be told how wonderfully awesome and great he was! Sex was a lusty bonus. An infantile sense of narrisim, coupled with and adult sex drive. Because well, I told him the truth, told him when I was dissapointed in him. Held him accountable when he made mistakes. You know, thinks you do for each other when you are in a normal adult relationship. Don't get me wrong, i am also a loving and kind, encouraging person. But my douchebag of a exfiance wanted the fantasy of seeing himself as perfect, and thats what she gave him. He could do no wrong. Lies they told to each other, ego stroking with some .... stocking to go with it. Well now he has started to open his eyes, eww what a nasty person he has to look at in the mirror. He is working on owning his shit..and man does it stink. Blows my mind that so many people can delude themselves, I never realized until I had to join this club

Posts: 121 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: oregon
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that there is a lot of emphasis on this site about the WS "digging deep" and figuring out the answer to why they felt they did what they did, and rightly so. It seems a lot of fWS on this site have really uncovered their deep-rooted issues and that has made them better people.

But I think that often the answer to why is pretty simple. I think a lot of it boils down to the WS wanted to do it. They wanted the thrill that comes with having an A. They are selfish, they are bored, and having an A is an easy fix. Talking about your unhappiness is boring and hard and they don't want boring and hard. They want to be lazy and go for the quick fix.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2012
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said, Dameia. I see cheating as any other vice. It could have been drugs, gambling, alcohol, shopping, anything. They just want to feel good, now! And to hell with anything that really matters.

How did they get there? They were vulnerable, had bad boundaries, no coping skills, and were self-deluded; the lies they told themselves about their spouse and marriage, then the lies they told themselves about their lives, their needs and their wants, then came the lies about the AP and the fantasy outcome...


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


But I think that often the answer to why is pretty simple. I think a lot of it boils down to the WS wanted to do it. They wanted the thrill that comes with having an A. They are selfish, they are bored, and having an A is an easy fix. Talking about your unhappiness is boring and hard and they don't want boring and hard. They want to be lazy and go for the quick fix.

You hit the mark! They wanted to. They were only thinking of themselves. There is no other answer.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The real question should be not why they did it but what are they doing not to have happen again .


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
stillcrying4ever
♀ Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My counselor had me read the book "Not just friends". For me it showed a lot of why it happened. There are a few scenario's. Sometimes or maybe mostly it's because of how they feel about themselves. They need an ego boost and they think they will find it with someone else. And they always affair down. So their AP makes them feel they are wonderful until reality hits.


D Day May 27, 2012



Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsgoingtobeok..it's important that they figure out the "why" so they can prevent it from happening again. How can they ever say they won't do it again,if they don't know why they did it in the first place?

WH has given me a few reasons...he thought I was cheating(I wasn't..had he asked or looked for any evidence at all,he would have know I wasn't)...I have also been told "I was stupid,a fool,fucked up"etc..etc.

Oh..and the latest reason? "I felt I had been faithful for several years so I deserved a reward."

His reward for being faithful? Fucking other people.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7678 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tooloyal,

I am the BW, but I can tell you what WH says.

he was having problems at work which was exacerbated by us hardly seeing each other due to our work schedules and he admits to lonliness at that time.

The starting point for WH was stress at work. His work was under attack and he had to defend himself. He was deeply afraid of being a failure in his career.

WH should have been able to look at the situation objectively, remember the numerous successes he has had at work, and the many options available to him career wise. He should have admitted that his feelings were out of control, and reached out to me for help.

But, instead, WH dealt with the problem the way his FOO taught him. They told him he was a failure and bad person, so he believed that trouble at work confirmed it. They would not validate bad feelings--he was expected to deny them and stuff them down. If he told anyone he was struggling--that made him vulnerable and they would attack.

So, he isolated himself in anxiety and low self-worth. To complete the perfect storm, OW was his partner and they were expected to defend the work together. Because WH was weak, and not open to me (or anyone else) OW could exert her twisted influence on him. Once he started the PA, he was under tons more stress, had to wall off more feelings, and lost all ability to think clearly and make good decisions.

I don't know if any of that is similar to your situation. WH is working hard now to value himself, let himself feel vulnerable emotions like sadness, fear and worry, and communicate with me regularly and honestly.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Fractured.Us
♀ Member
Member # 35085
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I hate to be the dissenting voice, but I don't quite agree with this.

But I think that often the answer to why is pretty simple. I think a lot of it boils down to the WS wanted to do it. They wanted the thrill that comes with having an A. They are selfish, they are bored, and having an A is an easy fix. Talking about your unhappiness is boring and hard and they don't want boring and hard. They want to be lazy and go for the quick fix.

I get that this is the case for many, but not all. I think this generalizes too much. I think for some, it's not a quick fix and an easy thrill. It's more to do with being swept up in the convergence of circumstances and the wayward not realizing until too late where it has led.

Whatever the "why" may be, A claims too much collateral damage anyway you look at it.


Married 21

This was not how it was supposed to end.


Posts: 338 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think maybe a WS can understand her whys, but I doubt that a BS can reach a satisfactory understanding of his WS's whys.

I'm not that big on finding the 'why', because I think analysis can prevent change, because analysis gets easier and easier, and change is hard.

As my WS has gone after her 'whys', she hasn't come up with anything that satisfies me. Nothing she's said has seemed like enough to cause me to cheat, so I can't see how those 'whys' allowed her to cheat.

W's therapist (also our MC) doesn't go for 'why'. Instead, she's stressing self-soothing. From what I've learned about my W's A, I am certain she would not have cheated if she had soothed herself.

I want my W to devote her energy to being a good partner, which is a hell of a lot easier than not being a bad partner.

Think Polonius - 'This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.'


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ladya
♀ Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes he says because he was an idiot! Other times, I get a ton of stupid excuses: we weren't getting along.....I felt like a paycheck..... I thought you didn't love me........ But, most of the time he says he was an idiot. I won't accept the other excuses. They are just that, excuses to justify a horrible choice he made.


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 885 | Registered: Jul 2010
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He cheated because our marriage was in a bad place and along comes Poliana to rescue him out of his dull, horrible marriage. That is what he thought at the time.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the camp of "because they wanted too".

I think maybe a WS can understand her whys, but I doubt that a BS can reach a satisfactory understanding of his WS's whys.

Agree 100% with this. I've had a lot of the same talk on my W's whys, and it just never really sinks in. I kinda gave up on trying to figure it out, and just go with because she wanted to. No, she didn't wake up and decide one day to have an A, but when the opportunity presented itself, she jumped right in.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
girlsbird
♀ Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also go along with the thought that he wanted to.


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he says all of the same reasons all waywards pretty much say...one that has come up in mc is that i was pregnant and not paying him any attention. what an asshole, you know?


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 976 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 30
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