Selfish people have affairs when they are in great marriages as well as in marriages that have some problems. If the problems were REALLY so very bad then the WS would just tell their spouse, file for divorce, be over it, and have as much sex with as many people as he she wants.
But they don't. They lie, betray, and live their secret life. Why?
Pure. Fucking. Selfishness.
Some of us fill that hole with good things like family, friendship, hobbies, physical activity, fellowship, spirituality, religion, etc... Some of us fill that hole with bad things like drugs, alcohol, infidelity, illicit sex, over-eating, violence...
It comes down to ignorance in a way; a desperation, a self-centeredness, even a certain innocence.
I believe that the WS enters their M in this state to one degree or another (as opposed to the popular WS's claim that the M made them do it) after a lifetime of living and thinking a certain way, making poor choices, having poor coping skills because of role modelling, societal messages, peer groups, social class, etc...
I don't believe my fWS is evil, just kinda clueless and lost in the grand scheme of things. Now is his chance to learn a new, healthier way to cope, to think, and to handle his feelings. And to be a better role model to his DDs, whether inside this M or without it.
[This message edited by Knowing at 7:08 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]
We are in R.
1) He is a classic KISA, always helping any little lost girl. Last week, another work colleague asked him to take her shopping at lunchtime as she had forgotten to get an outfit for a hen night she was going to. He took her shopping and they went out for lunch. he told me about it afterwards. I told him that that was unacceptable. I know he is not having an A with this girl, but this was really overstepping boundaries. H said he had a car, she needed help. WTF!! he does this all the tim with girls who act all weak and defenceless. he thinks he is being nice and gentlmanly and helpful. We had a good discussion as to why this kid of thing can so easily lead to rouble, particularly if some scheming madam is eying him up.
2) He lacks self esteem and does not value his acheivements, his work, his life. he says he was a bad so and didn't care for his mother. This is totally untrue, he is clever, kind (too much perhaps), very highly regarded by everyone, well loved, but he doesn't believe i. When OW threw herself at him, he couldn't believe anyone could be interested in him (even though I was right there loving him and we had a great relationship - I thought).
3) There was an element of that he thought he could get away with it and in a sense he would have done if it wasn't for the OC.
Thing is that finding out about A has really hit my self esteem, so we are in the same position and feel we can grow together to regain our mutula self esteem.
Findingout the whys has really helpde me this week. I hope it is sustanable, but at the moment I feel confident we can get through it together. I think our converstaion about the whsy wasa breakthrough moment.
He had the A because he felt he deserved some happiness and he wanted to.
If its self esteem - you cant help them that's on them
( your opinions and compliments don't matter to them , outside ppl do because they feel those ppl aren't obligated to them)
They wanted to - well what can ya do , gross right it suppose to be you and only you they know that !
Selfish - of course you think if they put your needs first we'd be here ....um no !
No good reason, excuse, and why will change what they did and if they will do it again because you can't tell the future and they believe they won't do it again and really all you can do is take a go at it and see if shit gets better or not sucks yes !
So even though my mind searched why everyday nothing I come up is good enough either I was in the same marriage and I didn't cheat , actually he was the one consumed with hobbies and had his career and ignoring me cause all his success at work IM the one that felt unwanted , ignored, belittled, my opinions were void ...yet I was there waiting for him to notice me.
I now think if he can't see how badly I hurt and what he's done and does this shit again I'm not wasting another breath ,making anymore effort to love him and will not cry over it because then I will know he never cared that seeing me depressed and unsure of myself and sick didn't phase him . I won't let his next offense phase me either I will find someone else better and he will have to see my happiness with someone else and our kids seeing around another man
[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 1:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
I'M ON THE FENCE
After about a year he finally hit rock bottom and admitted he had an affair because he was stupid and put himself into a situation that felt pretty good at the time and didn't want to get out of it.
I don't think we will ever have a "why" answer that will please a WS. But, we can have an answer that doesn't sound like an excuse.
I always told him that WE included them so of course WE were having problems, I was being compared to HER.
Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".