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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it too late to ask for this?
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Question  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it too late to ask for this?....

We have passed our two year mark. He has never given me ‘his story’. I pretty much ‘know’ everything due to due diligence. I am kind of a computer geek and was able to do my own PI work to get to it all. But all he has done to this point is capitulate to what I found out.

No, nothing new is out there, there has been NC for well over 18 months now. All verified via keylogger, VAR, cell records, GPS, etc.
What bothers me…he tells me he is sorry. Sorry I am hurting, sorry that I am upset. But I have never heard him say WHY he is sorry. What the timeline from HIS point was. It was all I asked for from him, and still have never really gotten. I think it is part of why I have hit this ‘plain’ so hard. I want HIS voice. I want HIS words. I want HIS thoughts. Not just what I uncovered.

Is it too late to ask for this? Am I too far down the road now to ask for this? He is struggling too now that I have hit this wall. Will this finally break us through and bring us closer to being R’d? Or am I picking at the scab??

Thoughts???


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
cheerless
♀ Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's always an appropriate time to communicate to your spouse what you need from them. And he should want to do that for you.


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
sodamnsorry
♂ New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It should not be too late to ask for this.
It's perfectly understandable for you to want this and the lack thereof may explain why you have hit the wall.

It takes two to R.

Without hearing his words, thoughts, and feelings, how can you fully heal? These are vital pieces of information for you to understand whether or not he 'gets it' and is doing the work he needs to understand how he got there and to ensure that he doesn't go there again.


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's ever too late.....if you need answers, your H should be willing to help you get them.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1703 | Registered: Mar 2010
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its never too late. Two of my FWH's affairs had been over long before I found out. But I still needed the details from him. Not just what I could prove. He needed to provide me with those answers.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, it's not too late.

If you feel you've hit a difficult or stagnant point, and this information - from him, willingly and in full - would help you move forward.....then tell him that.

I expect that if I ask for information the day before my 50th wedding anniversary, my H should provide it if he can.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not believe that it is ever too late to ask for anything. Hopefully, during your 2 years in R, the communications between you and your WS has improved/strengthened. Your WS should always be willing to help you heal no matter how difficult it is for him.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Communication is good right now. But have hit the plain very hard. Ive been flat for weeks now. cant seem to break it. He has/is willing to do anything that will help me/us heal. Answers whatever I ask. Just have gotten to point where I feel like...have I asked everything, is there anything I missed. Because it never came from him.

I really think I need his words, from him. His perceptions, rationales....and if needbe any missing items. I just feel that the words I'm sorry are empty because he's never verbalized for what. Don't get me wrong, his actions are there, but I need to hear from him. Could this be a possible healing exercise for him, or am I setting us both back?

In reading 5 love languages...I realized mine has closed to his words , when that used to be mine. Maybe because I haven't gotten 'his words' in this. What I got during the A was 'his lies'. Even after DDay...I got Ttd for almost 6 months.

He is willing, I am just hoping that I'm doing the right thing. It's so damn confusing going through this maze!!


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps you can't heal more or go any further in R until he comes clean.

Another vote for 'not too late'.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked him tonight for it. He held me and said 'if it will help you...I will do it.". He asked me to pull out a composition book and he will start working on it immediately. There was absolutely no hesitation from him.

Maybe there is some hope I will find a way through the maze and out of the plain.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH is beginning his writing tomorrow since he has day off while i work and our kids are in school. He asked me today how I would like him to write "his story". I told him to write it whatever way helps him remember the events. I don't really care about the HOW, but rather am focused on getting his thought, views, perceptions, and actions.

The only thing I requested is he write on the front side of pages so if I had question or wanted something clarified I had a place to note it.

Did I make a mistake not asking for it in a specific format?

I'm really hoping this moves me past this plain


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
girlsbird
♀ Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let him write "his" story his way. You can then write your questions and talk about it


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He began writing yesterday. The composition book has moved. I can SEE it written all over him. He is feeling the guilt/shame/remorse,the sheer weight of it all. I can see it on him right now, i havent seen him like this in awhile. he has also called his IC to make an appt next week... his next one wasnt till april. He moved it up. Guessing this is much more difficult on him than he thought it might be...and that was only one day working on it. He was physically ill in the middle of the night too. But he thinks I was asleep thru it.

I worried that this might set me/us back since we are over 2 years out, but I think in long run it will put some of it to rest. Maybe go a long way to helping me exit the plain, and find the forgiveness that still eludes me for some of it. For him, maybe he can finally purge it and finally begin to start to find some forgiveness for himself as well.

Just some ramblings in my head today


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For him, maybe he can finally purge it and finally begin to start to find some forgiveness for himself as well.

Has he been in IC at all? MC? Has he ever had to face himself? If this is the first time he has really looked within, I am sure it is difficult for him. This could be the beginning of some real healing for you both.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6450 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he has been in IC since DDay although his IC cut back on frequency of sessions. We have also been going to MC. I don't think his IC has really gotten to the core of this yet. I think him doing this for me, for my healing, may also begin to do some real healing for him too.

I too am so hoping for it (need icon with crossing fingers) to be a catalyst for the next level of healing....for both of us.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Theradin
♂ Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, March 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hearing the WS' 'timeline/history' is incredibly important to filling in the blanks. It's unfair that the WS have MORE information than you. All you are asking for is to have the SAME amount of information the WS has. In a sense, it's like the WS has the teacher's grading 'key', and all you have is the exam, so you have to guess at all the questions and hope you're right, when things should be equal and you both have access to the 'key'. (Maybe a bad analogy, but it seemed fitting at the time).

In addition, I also truly don't believe forgiveness can be achieved when the person whom you are trying to forgive won't actually express true remorse and sincerely apologize for HIS/HER actions (not apologize for how YOU feel). Looks like the WS has a quite a bit of work ahead.

Hopefully the 'right' answer will come to you soon. This is no way to live - in purgatory.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He started it almost 2 weeks ago, then just stopped a few days after that, and said he needed to talk with his IC before he continues. of course his IC has been out of town for these 2 weeks:(.
He's been in a down mood, sleeping in fetal position quite a bit. I'm thinking he is dealing with it all, and is being overwhelmed. I'm trying to stay detached a bit and let him process. I'm there if he needs to talk, hug, etc.....but am not actively 'coddling' him. I know he had to get through his forest and find the clearing on the other side just as I need to.

I keep wondering if I am handling this right. I question and over-think every step I make....I'm so exhausted sometimes.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trying2havefaith,

This makes me wonder -

and said he needed to talk with his IC before he continues

In the process of writing "his story"...your husband may have new information to disclose to you. I hope you are prepared to hear this....if that's the case.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6126 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think writing a timeline is very helpful for both the BS and the WS.

It gives the BS informatiion that they need and it makes the WS take a long hard look at what they did.

Your WS is finally facing his demons- no more rug sweeping.

He may be upset due to this or it could be that there are details that he has never shared with you and that's what is causing his anxiety.

Either way I see it as a good thing.

IMHO the way to have true R is when it is based on a new beginning and all of the past actions have been exposed and dealt with.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D2T- that is exactly what is making me crazy right now. It is part of my decision to finally give in and take AD. He doesn't see his IC until next week.

I am REALLY hoping it is him 'coming to terms' with himself. This A was so against his nature. He is horrified at what he did. But I am keeping a bit detached and prepared in case there is more crap to deal with. The not knowing is making me crazy right now. Hoping the med will help with that as I am just mentally exhausted and nothing left in my tank to deal with another huge dip if it comes to that.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 30
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