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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it too late to ask for this?
daledge
♀ Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are speaking my words! I am not the detective you are though. Any tips you would like to share? I do not think I will ever get out of my husband what I need to know. It leaves me with an empty, hollow feeling inside. I don't feel prepared should he ever stray again.

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tryin)))

Just a thought that I dont' think anyone has mentioned yet. It doesn't seem that you really need the time line, what you need is to know that he understands why he made the choices he did.

For me to heal this was huge, I knew that if he "didn't get it" there was a chance that he would do it again. But with understanding, and ultimately fixing the broken in him, it would help us both heal.

It sounds like he really is taking this to heart, and will most likely lead to that revelation. Make sure you let him know that you appreciate his efforts, and support him through this. This is taking a lot for him to do this. Not that he he shouldnt, but support, and appreciation goes a long long way.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tush- I am showing him some support, but I'm trying not to coddle either. It's such a fine line to walk. He needs to go through what he needs to go through. It's not so much the time line (which I've pretty much pieced together), but hearing it FROM him. I have out pieces together, but he's never laid it all out for me from his mindset. I just continually have a nagging feeling that there is something I missed. I think because I found him out, and I did all the discovery

He sees where he went astray, where he stopped communicating, but is now trying to figure out why his perceptions of things were so off-base. Where did his reality change and why. He has told me that looking back he can see I was communicating and being honest, but he just did not believe me....and for life of him he doesn't know why. Why he didn't turn to any of his REAL friends and only spoke with OW. He SEES it all, but is trying to figure out WHY he did it.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you guys are so close. Once he can own the WHY, then i bet it will be like the final piece of the puzzle falling into place.
You are doing a great job, and it is sooo aggravating when you know what needs to happen, but you can't make it happen. Hopefully his IC will help him over the hurdle.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you TN. I am praying it is this. I just don't know if I have strength enough to start back at square one again with anymore earth-shattering revelations. Especially after so long of NC, verifying, etc. all the trust that has begun to be built back over all this time of him walking the walk.....to go back again, I just can't do I think his IC appointment is next week.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update:

Well, his IC had a family emergency, so his appointment was put off now until next week.

I have been so wound up about what 'might' still be. We talked last night and I put my fears out there, and asked him some questions. I needed to know if there was another bombshell of a revelation he was holding back. Is that why he has been restless in his sleep, why he seems so distracted.

He allayed my fears. Said there was absolutely no more bombshells. He has been piecing bits and parts, that at the time seemed innocuous; but now he sees as mini-boundary issues. Told me there are little things like that that now taking a good hard look back at with 20/20 vision...sees as the fishing expeditions that they were by the OW. Still is trying to figure out why he did not turn to any of our friends of the marriage when he was struggling. But that one he feels he still needs to work with his IC on.

I looked at his eyes as he told me. I believe he is telling me the truth. I could see the pain/anguish/remorse written all over him. I let him know that he can tell me these little details. That I expect there will be these details that will be remembered as he goes through it all. That it is very important to let me know, to talk with me about them. The same way he has asked me to talk with him about what bothers me and my triggers. That we will get through it together.
Holding back on either of our parts will only hold back the process of healing.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hasn't been sleeping well. I know but he hasn't told me...I awaken a bit when he tosses and turns, or when he gets up to make tea to calm himself.

We had the house to ourselves this morning so we cuddled and talked. He just wanted me to hold him. He asked if I still love him. I implored him to tell me what's bothering him. To lean towards me. He was hesitant. So I said 'you told me to tell you when something bothers me or I'm upset', while I drew breath to complete my thought, he went into attentive mode. He thought I was going to tell him something that bothered me. He was taken aback when I said that he must do the same. Not talking to me when he was upset or struggling or whatever the hell it was, was the first step that ultimately led to the A. I told him that not holding back is a requirement, that communication is a must if we are going to make it.
He said he was selfish, he never wants to be that man again. Never wants to take me for granted again. Can't understand how for the life of him he thought I didn't want him. How his head got THAT far up his @$$.

He then held me for so long and so tightly like he was holding on for dear life. I could hardly breathe. I'm hoping that he is coming closer to breaking through it all. His appointment with his IC is later next week.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Garnet
♀ Member
Member # 39070
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am considering asking my husband for the same type of timeline. I feel like he answered everything I asked, but he never gave me anything else. I feel like I need it to hear it from him, in his own words, from his heart!! It would just make it a level playing field!! I think you are doing the right thing for both of you!!


Garnet☀

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: MA
BrokenT
♀ New Member
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, it's been over two years for us. It was eating me up inside and I needed to know why, I needed details, and a closure. You would only get some peace after you've heard it all. Yes it will hurt and bring about all the awful fresh feelings again, but it's better than lies or now knowing, it's better than finding out yourself something you don't want to find.
I was told by almost everyone that posted a reply to me (I posted asking about the same thing you're asking) that it wasn't too late. And I did sit down with my husband and talked about it and got new details and answers. It hurt me all over again, but it calmed down that part of me that was always alarmed and anxious to know. And we are still working on our R.
So I must say the same to you. Go ahead and ask to get your closure, it's never too late, you'll be able to deal with your feelings better when you know the full story, and btw, he'll feel relieved in a way.

Hope all works well for you


BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's almost 2 months later since I asked for this from him, and have yet to get it.

I know (for those who haven't read my other post) that he figured out a FOO issue he didn't even know. Or at least consciously. He's been going to IC. I can physically see what the deep digging in IC is doing to him. He is losing weight and sleeping badly. I know he is also at odds as I am not speaking to his family for a few months now. I think he may be be skirting on edge of depression, but doesn't want ADs.

I don't even really know why I am posting this . Maybe I just needed to vent and get it out of my head. We are doing so well lately, but this just has been gnawing on my brain again this weekend.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 30
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