Just a thought that I dont' think anyone has mentioned yet. It doesn't seem that you really need the time line, what you need is to know that he understands why he made the choices he did.
For me to heal this was huge, I knew that if he "didn't get it" there was a chance that he would do it again. But with understanding, and ultimately fixing the broken in him, it would help us both heal.
It sounds like he really is taking this to heart, and will most likely lead to that revelation. Make sure you let him know that you appreciate his efforts, and support him through this. This is taking a lot for him to do this. Not that he he shouldnt, but support, and appreciation goes a long long way.
He sees where he went astray, where he stopped communicating, but is now trying to figure out why his perceptions of things were so off-base. Where did his reality change and why. He has told me that looking back he can see I was communicating and being honest, but he just did not believe me....and for life of him he doesn't know why. Why he didn't turn to any of his REAL friends and only spoke with OW. He SEES it all, but is trying to figure out WHY he did it.
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
RDay 7/2013 :)
Well, his IC had a family emergency, so his appointment was put off now until next week.
I have been so wound up about what 'might' still be. We talked last night and I put my fears out there, and asked him some questions. I needed to know if there was another bombshell of a revelation he was holding back. Is that why he has been restless in his sleep, why he seems so distracted.
He allayed my fears. Said there was absolutely no more bombshells. He has been piecing bits and parts, that at the time seemed innocuous; but now he sees as mini-boundary issues. Told me there are little things like that that now taking a good hard look back at with 20/20 vision...sees as the fishing expeditions that they were by the OW. Still is trying to figure out why he did not turn to any of our friends of the marriage when he was struggling. But that one he feels he still needs to work with his IC on.
I looked at his eyes as he told me. I believe he is telling me the truth. I could see the pain/anguish/remorse written all over him. I let him know that he can tell me these little details. That I expect there will be these details that will be remembered as he goes through it all. That it is very important to let me know, to talk with me about them. The same way he has asked me to talk with him about what bothers me and my triggers. That we will get through it together.
Holding back on either of our parts will only hold back the process of healing.
We had the house to ourselves this morning so we cuddled and talked. He just wanted me to hold him. He asked if I still love him. I implored him to tell me what's bothering him. To lean towards me. He was hesitant. So I said 'you told me to tell you when something bothers me or I'm upset', while I drew breath to complete my thought, he went into attentive mode. He thought I was going to tell him something that bothered me. He was taken aback when I said that he must do the same. Not talking to me when he was upset or struggling or whatever the hell it was, was the first step that ultimately led to the A. I told him that not holding back is a requirement, that communication is a must if we are going to make it.
He said he was selfish, he never wants to be that man again. Never wants to take me for granted again. Can't understand how for the life of him he thought I didn't want him. How his head got THAT far up his @$$.
He then held me for so long and so tightly like he was holding on for dear life. I could hardly breathe. I'm hoping that he is coming closer to breaking through it all. His appointment with his IC is later next week.
Hope all works well for you
I know (for those who haven't read my other post) that he figured out a FOO issue he didn't even know. Or at least consciously. He's been going to IC. I can physically see what the deep digging in IC is doing to him. He is losing weight and sleeping badly. I know he is also at odds as I am not speaking to his family for a few months now. I think he may be be skirting on edge of depression, but doesn't want ADs.
I don't even really know why I am posting this . Maybe I just needed to vent and get it out of my head. We are doing so well lately, but this just has been gnawing on my brain again this weekend.