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Newest Member: downanout (45360)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I Was Lying to Myself
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say you have a daughter. Look at this from her future perspective:

My mother was a cake eating remorseless WW who flaunted her affair in my father's face for NINE years before he filed! That just taught me(his DD) that it's normal to be walked all over and taken advantage age of. It's not surprising then that I also became the BS. Do you want this legacy for your daughter? That's it's okay to be treated like shit or worse thats it's okay to be a spiteful cheating bitch?!?

I don't think so.

Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2242 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
♂ New Member
Member # 38233
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me first say thank you, as always. Sounding like a broken record seems to be a part of this situation and I appreciate the patience you all show. Second, everything you say makes perfect sense and is exactly what goes through my mind some days. I feel like I'm in my own fog half the time. As soon as I wake up and see what a fucking idiot I'm being, I snap right back into it. I've been trying to figure out why and the best I can come up with is that I have to let go of those "rules" that I adhered to in the marriage.

The rules that you have to see your spouse and marriage as unique and something that no one else can understand, and the rule that you have to believe that you can just talk your way through everything and trust your spouse is there for you...well, they don't apply anymore. But on those days when WW is lying to me (and, in all fairness, herself) about what she wants, it becomes way too easy to get sucked back into the rules. I have to make a conscious decision to stop.

I think I've had a hard time accepting what I need to do, because I truly believe that my wife is confused. I'm not excusing anything she's doing, but I imagine it is so much easier to walk away from someone who is intentionally manipulative and deceitful than to walk away from someone with her history of abuse and problems who is seriously lying to herself probably more than she's lying to me.

I've done a lot of (productive) thinking lately and I realize that I'm focusing my energy in the wrong place and don't even see it. We had a 'heart to heart' this weekend where I gave her even more power over me, but during the course of the conversation a light went off. I realized that I wasn't trying to convince her to come back or to leave the other guys alone. I was trying to convince her that she could trust me and that I really loved her. As I was talking I started to think, "Why the fuck would she be questioning my love and fidelity? Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

I was actually sitting there telling her about the women who've asked me out lately and trying to prove to her I care about her because I turned them down. I realized that this is all wrong. I can't do this anymore. I went through her phone (without her permission) and saw the craziest thing. She has a friend who has been cheated on and that friend essentially has her 180'ing me. She's convinced my wife that the cheating was my fault and without calling it the 180, that's what she's encouraging her to do because it worked with her wayward husband...but I'm not the wayward one. Every time I cry or bargain or apologize for something that is not my fault, it becomes confirmation to her that the strategy is working. Wow. That was an eye opener. Since then, I'm all on board for the 180 and it may be a short lived feeling, but I don't actually give a damn what her reaction to it is, so long as I feel better.

D-Day: January 2013
Me, BH: 31
Her, WW: 31
Married 10 years
Kids: Daughter, 3
Divorced: Sep 2013

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you are doing okay NG. Detaching will help greatly. Don't try to justify anything with her. You can't nice or reason her back. Focusing on you and your children is a good thing. Remember the 180 is for you to get to a good headspace. Don't engage in anymore long drawn out conversations. They tend to go just like the one you experienced with unremoresful WS's. Everyone messes up the 180 in the beginning. If you mess up just start it up again. Once you detach you will get some clarity.

Will it be awkward with both of you walking around the house not talking to each other sure but the point isn't you NOT talking to her, the point is you FOCUSING on yourself.

The difference is her "180" is being done to MANIPULATE you where yours is being done for you to detach and focus on you. I wish you the best and if you fall off the 180 get right back on it. Keep posting it does help.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:25 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The 180 is for you, not her. It's for you to begin your detaching from her so you can begin to heal.

Healing with someone essentially putting you down for every other thing that does not work out in their life... well it can't be done.

You need to be there for your DD. Her mama is NOT a healthy and stable person right now... you are.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5271 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 24
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