With me, there was a culmination of trauma and flashbacks and some life altering news that shoved me down that slippery slope without ever learning to ski.
BS's feel free to chime in if you noticed the same about your WS.
Eta: whoops, I meant to say A in the title, not DDay)
[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 9:23 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]
She has told me it was a combination of all it and years of resentment for being an undervalued stay at home mom during the day while working nights.
I think traumatic events, death etc can be a triggering event that makes you look at your life and thank OMG what have I done with it.
9 months later OM's ex ratted them out on my front porch...
WW was in "luuuuurve" by then...refused to go NC...tossed her out 3/12
[This message edited by Paladin at 9:44 AM, March 22nd (Friday)]
"When you understand the nature of a thing, you know what its capable of"...musashi...the book of five rings
Moved across country 5/2011
Bought a house 7/2011
Got pregnant 8/2011
STBXWH deployed 9/2011
STBXWH returned 11/2011
STBXWH deployed 1/2012
STBXWH returned 2/2012
Got pregnant 2/2012
STBXWH deployed 5/2012
EA/PA? with MOW
STBXWH returned 10/2012
EA/PA? with same MOW
Had baby 11/2012 (a week after DDay)
STBXWH left for training 1/2013 - 4/2013
False R 2/2013
STBXWH still with MOW
I'm filing for D and hoping to serve him before he returns next month.
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold
Babies, job changes, money changes, death of loved ones. It happens to all of us, all the time. So most people will be able to point to something and say "there it is...there is my excuse for cheating".
The dog ate my homework=excuse
I didnt do my homework cuz I was lazy=reason...
Yes..my WW went through some definate trauma....but she cheated due to poor boundries...poor coping tools...and really really bad choices...
I was naive to think we could get through anything, that our relationship was strong enough. It clearly wasn't. Frankly, the weaknesses were there irregardless of the life events. I'm convinced he would have cheated no matter what because of his insecurities, sense of entitlement, selfishness, and poor boundaries.
Both times were within a month after going to the hospital for suicidal ideation/self-harm. Also both times were around pseudo "breakup" periods - in both cases after the hospital stays but before or during the infidelities. I let my morals and my boundaries slide (or maybe I stomped on them would be the more accurate term). So stupid.
The recency of the hospital stays are really upsetting and shake me up to think of it that way. I either tried or thought seriously about harming myself, went to the mental ward, other things happened once I got out, and ...I coped like that?!?!!!!! I chose to do that?!! Really?!?! WTF?! I want to smack myself when I think about that. What the actual fuck was I thinking?!
Anyway... I've been trying to focus on the choices I made, rather than the suicidal part, because it seems like it's wrong somehow to think about my choices surrounding suicide... I think I know why. For some reason I am deeply ashamed of, my family and H seemed to suffer so much more from my struggles with the suicidal thoughts/self-harm tendencies than with my infidelity. I'm deeply ashamed of being so selfish that they would worry about either one, and that the one that caused me harm would take precedence in their minds over the ones that hurt them more.
Wow, gotta go sit with this for a while... Thank you for the good topic.
And one year before the A, we moved overseas and left all friends and family behind. That was a big challenge to me, along with the challenges of living in a country where i do not speak the language. And then A recovery, next steps, and healing have been complicated hugely by this.
Married for over 14 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
I know PTSD can rewire the brain and change your entire outlook on life. Just curious what others thought.
Coping mechanisms with traumatic events are critical. If someone hasn't dug deep into themselves addressed their own issues then they may fall back on those old poor coping mechanisms (drinking, drug use, having an A) or shift to another self-destructive way a dealing with that trauma.
Also, I think we all deal with trauma/life changing events almost everyday in some form or other. Again, it is relative to the person experiencing it, and it is also a matter of how that person deals with it. I dealt with things for 38-years before it dawned on me that my coping mechanisms would not work anymore. At that moment, the minor trauma became major. I lost it, went down another path, had an A, and then learned that what I thought I knew for those 38 years wasn't what I thought I knew.
Admitting that, accepting it, and working to change it was the process that I wished would have happened much earlier in my life.
It seems to have always gone in this cycle with him. He's having a hard time with his job again, and to say I'm nervous is a serious understatement...
The affair began I believe as an escape - a release. And the Ow (a colleague) was there to compliment, soothe, encourage and do a whole lot more! Funny how the escape turned into a real life nightmare isn't it?
While I DO NOT think people can use these events as an excuse, I do believe that they shake us and we either rise up during tough times or we do not. My H did not and for many reasons (conflict avoidance, internal anger mainly). But that has changed.
We are now learning - 15 years of marriage in - how to deal with these critical times ie: how about an affair! in an open honest way.
If not now, when?
[This message edited by LA44 at 1:48 PM, March 22nd (Friday)]
Did my WH have traumas shortly before the A? Yes.
But they were all self-created.
He started losing work contracts due to his belligerent personality, causing him to spiral downward and bankrupt his business. He started the affair 2 mos before the business was forced in to closure due to lack of money.
At earlier times in our M there were traumas and life altering events: deaths, near deaths, disease, etc. None of these ever affected him. He eventually told me he never thought of those things because at the time, they just didn't matter as they did not happen to HIM.
So I do not believe his traumas illustrate a cause and effect relationship with the A.
I think his traumas and the A are all symptoms of the same basic emotional problems he is now learning to overcome.
None of this is an excuse, or even an explanation of my incredibly poor choices and awful behavior, but has at least for me shed a bit of light on what I was feeling at the time. I discovered a journal entry I'd written five days before the affair started where I discussed the loss of a sense of home when my parents split, and concluded by saying I didn't know who I was anymore.
2 Year Physical & Emotional Affair (Co-Worker)
The unfortunate thing, for me at least, was that it took the A's to hit the rock bottom, and finally seek out help.