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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Interesting Insight/Related Question
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, March 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In IC the other day, I realized that the written and verbal assaults I was dishing out about my BS behind her back were completely identical to the verbal assaults I would see/hear/endure my mother giving (either to me or to others, some behind their backs) before she would become weepy and overly apologetic for saying those things and want to take them all back. I was rather stunned at the realization, but it didn't completely surprise me.

So, my question is this (and I'm primarily looking for responses from the WS POV, but BSes are allowed to interject, which is why there's no stop sign):

Did any of you realize that your behavior during A mirror that of one or both of your parents? Has that realization had any impact on you since?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 732 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I live in a different time zone now.

Seriously though, this is what FOO issues are all about. We learn to model what we experience, and it seems more often that not, that WS has some seriously f'ed up behaviors which they learned to model pretty early in life.

That isn't always the case, but I think there is a very strong correlation.

The hard part for me was not "blaming" my parents. Sort of along the lines of what I did, my parents thought they were doing the right thing in many ways, so there is/was/will never be anything they feel needs fixing and the problem lies with me. I see it differently now of course, but there are boundaries in place with my folks now. I still love them, but there're boundaries. Also, I'm working on an IC fund for my kids when they get older.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I'm working on an IC fund for my kids when they get older.

lol - that made me smile.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 403 | Registered: Dec 2012
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you realize that your behavior during A mirror that of one or both of your parents

Sadly, I thought up my particular brand of shit all on my own without any help.

Love to be able to invite mommy and daddy to the party but they had their own brand of dysfunction that was completely different.

Why did you choose to do those actions when you knew how much they hurt?

Written? Who were you writing to and why was your wife the subject of these missives?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hard part for me was not "blaming" my parents.

I reached a peace about this a while ago, but it wouldn't hurt to refresh it. Besides, it takes more than just a solemn vow to yourself to avoid something - it takes active awareness and realization of key behaviors and knowing how to stop them before they get out of hand that actually solves the problem.

I see it differently now of course, but there are boundaries in place with my folks now. I still love them, but there're boundaries.

Like not letting parents dictate how you deal with your children now?

Why did you choose to do those actions when you knew how much they hurt?

At the time, I was being super-selfish. I didn't care whether my actions hurt or not. I wanted what I wanted (or, rather, what it was I thought I wanted, thanks to my SA), and I didn't care who got hurt so long as I got what I wanted: sympathy, attention, sexual attention, and so on. I also had very poor boundaries (I literally considered my life an open book to anyone, save for the parts I was covering up out of shame/imperfection), so that allowed me to permit myself to do these things.

Written? Who were you writing to and why was your wife the subject of these missives?

Written and spoken, both, I'm afraid. All APs. As mentioned before, it was a ploy for sympathy and attention.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 732 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 5

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