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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Issues when we talk...
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again tonight the issue of me not looking directly at my BW when we talk about the A came up. I'm usually doing one or more of the following: looking down, laying down, looking away, have my face buried in a pillow, or distract myself my fidgeting. This drives my BW nuts. The reason I do this is because I find it easier to talk. I have never been an eye contact person. I have no explanation for it but it goes back to my childhood. It doesn't make me less sincere. I just makes me feel better when in difficult situations.

Any comments or help would be appreciated.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think this is something that maybe is time to do things differently? If your BS sees the same behavior she saw before, do you think she is going to believe in anything you say while your face is buried in a pillow?


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

slight t/j...how do you tell an extroverted engineer from an introverted engineer? The extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

No joke, I know many guys like this...

end t/j

I have difficulty with eye contact too. Even with my wife. Something that helped was the communication process we learned from Imago therapy. Next time you talk about the A, sit facing each other with your knees touching. Sit on your hands if you have to. Just do it.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have difficulty with eye contact too. I get really flustered and jumble my words with BSO. It's so hard to see the constant anguish in his face. My heart breaks and I have trouble focusing my thoughts.

Sam, maybe you could try brainstorming an outline of what you want to say ahead of time and write it all down. Then you could practice reading it out loud in the in the mirror, making a conscious effort to look straight into your own reflection when doing so. Sounds kind of hokey, I know, but the more you say it aloud, the easier it becomes. Just a thought.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 511 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO has issues with eye contact and distracting himself. It drives me up the wall and I remember a fight we had one day where I pushed his chair away from the computer, turned the screen off and sat on the desk begging him to talk to ME! Please try harder, you have no idea how much it will mean to her.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lack of eye contact is a sign of lying. When my WH talked to me without looking at me it made me feel invisible and unimportant. He wasn't focused on me. He would rather look at anything else. It would be a really good thing if you could learn to look her in the eyes when you talk to her.


Divorced and beginning my new life.


2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Syzy
♀ Member
Member # 15190
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so is looking someone in the eyes directly and giving a lot of detail. typically when people are describing an event they look away to remember the event. one way you can know they are lying is they don't look away at all while talking.


BS
Dday Aug 17, 2006
R - what's that.
Me - Moved on long ago.
It takes two to make it work, but only one to fuck it up.

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: So Cal
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Syzy, absolutely agree with that.

Being unable to make eye contact can come from shame or from a lack of self esteem. It doesn't always mean a person is lying. Its tough to be able to talk about what you did, especially when you realize how much pain and destruction you have caused. Sometimes it helps to focus on another point (be it your lap or something in your hands) so you don't distract yourself from the important point at hand.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 511 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And again, with practice and preparation, you can learn to look your BS in the eyes again when you talk. It just takes time and work, as does everything about this process.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 511 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ What cinnamomgurl said.

As time has gone on there has been a shift in me, and my ability to talk about the A. At first it was awful. I would hide, i'd turn away, or completely curl up, legs under me, face in my pillow, a little ball of guilt and shame.
My BS would beg me not to hide. Over time and with practice it's gotten easier. We can talk openly about the A's, I don't hide, I don't avoid eye contact. I don't distract as much...still working on this one
WE talk about it. I share my triggers, my hard times. It's good for him to know I struggle too.
I've also been talking with others, my Sponsor, my IC, my sister, etc.
My BS has also told several people we both know. At first that was hard to make eye contact with them too When they didn't treat me any differently than they had before they knew, it got easier.

I've also done a lot of work on myself. I'm in a 12 step fellowship and I'm actively working the steps, I'm working with my IC. I've done A LOT of hard work. My self acceptance has grown immensely.
It's just gotten easier.
Practice. Practice. Practice.

[This message edited by broevil at 8:20 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course it's time to do things differently but I find it so hard to look at my BW. Her beauty, her pain, and her anger. I do agree with some of the reasons for lack of eye contact. If looking away from people when I talk means I'm lying then I must lie to everyone. It's going to take a lot of conscious effort on my part to change things both with our marriage and the discussion aspects. I believe I have changed as a person but I need to be everything my BW needs me to be to make her feel better.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can't look her in the eyes, at least look at the bridge of her nose.

Seriously.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
sosorry5454rl
♀ Member
Member # 37637
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also agree with CG.. guilt and shame. I struggle with this as well. It is tough to look BH in the eyes knowing what i did to him and how badly i hurt him. He is super helpful with this and will address it with me, turn my face towards him, shut tv off, etc... gets easier with time but still tough.


WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2012
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, March 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sam, there are whole cultures where direct eye contact is rude, I think you find what is your true reason and work on that. It is hard work, but you can do it.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Topic Posts: 14

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