My wife works at DirectTV, and I found that she had both an EA and a PA with a coworker( a chinese dude) there, on 3/8/13 10 days ago. we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter.
How I found out: I was in the kitchen, and he texted her on phone FaceBook, "is it safe to talk", so i picked it up and had a conversation with him, under her account. I knew she was out of the office the day before, and I was feeling something was going on for about a month. He proceeded to talk to me about "her saying she was only 60% satisfied", and how it was because he had a hangover, and he stated he was nervous that "it was in LA, and now NY too". So I approached her, and she tried to deny it, but soon as i stated that I knew about him, she said "it was only oral sex". She had shaved her p*ssy the night before, which was something new, and I asked him if he liked it, and he said "ha", and "he had no opinion on it".
At that point, i was out of my mind, throwing chairs, screaming, crying. My whole world came to an end. my W was trying to calm me down, and threatened suicide again, but this time I called the cops, and they dragged her to the psyche ward.
I immediately found the OM spouse and emailed her told her what happened, he was engaged to this woman, his world is now in a spin, and he is leaving DirectTV also.
The crush to my ego, self-esteem, feelings of self worth, images of them together has been substantial. I am also completely impotent since that day, and eat like crap since the event, mostly nothing at all.
At the time, I also took her panties, that were on the floor, from her recent trip to LA, and sent them in for DNA analysis at SheCheated dot com. They ultimately came back positive with sperm from another man's DNA.
Before I got the results, her story was "nothing happened", she said the 60% was only related to how much he opened up emotionally. She also denied feverishly that no sex happened.
when i approached her with the dna evidence, she was shocked, and had no choice to admit that something happened, but her story was weak, "we were only drunk, and i didn't feel anything, and the fluid must be from something else". She still tries to convince me that nothing happened in NY. (the friday night before I found out, she came home and had mad passionate sex with me). and she says that his lack of performance is why she wanted to have sex with me so badly.
background on our marriage: It was definitely not a perfect marriage, a lot of fights, and in the last year, I have been unemployed and working on a financial trading application, which had about 4 more months to go before I can turn it on. She never believed in it, or me, and constantly called me a loser, told me I wasn't a real man for not supporting my family. She was telling me I use to be so much more in control, and I use to took care of myself better. I was trying to get us to counseling, as it happened, and ironically, the same day i found out was the day I went to marriage counseling, although now because I was such a mess, it was just me going. I believe my wife has BPD (borderline personality disorder), basically because mood swings, intense anger, controlling, manipulating, and even multiple suicide "threats". having said that I did feel that I loved her, primarily because of the good I saw in her.
additional marriage BG info: my W is a bisexual, we had a 3 way before we were married, and expresses interest in women a lot. which i told her is ok, as long as i knew and can say no if i want.
Also, I just recently called the OM, and talked to him, I wanted to know his version of the story. I told him that during counseling there will be a "full disclosure" and the therapist will use that to judge if therapy is working or not. he did not agree to tell me, because he didnt trust me. so he finally agreed to give me the info at some point later, in a non traceable way, and in return asked me not to contact him, his fiance, or any thing related to him again. I also asked what my W said about me, and he said she definitely loves me, and some BS about how i lost confidence in myself. (of course i thought, yeah she loves me so much that she was Fing you.)
So I really have no idea what to do, at this point with anything in my life. I don't know if D is a good option, or if i should try MC. I always wanted to be married for life, with one person, and have a good happy family. right now, i am dependent on her income, and I am trying to get a J.O.B., i put my financial trading application on hold for now. I have seen a IC, but not sure if that is really going to help me much. I really dont know if my life would be better with a D. I dont know what I really feel. I do know I cant look at her, don't want to have sex with her, I feel like it is "contaminated" territory. I feel like it is used, not mine, not precious anymore. I constantly have movie mind images, and they make me feel wortless and nautious. I dont know much of anything right now, it has been 10 days, and I am still completely lost.
ok, i will go cry like a loser some more now.
[This message edited by destroyedman at 5:09 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)]
Listen you do not have to know what to do right now. Take that pressure off. You do have to eat something -- and be sure you are getting fluids!!! The infidelity diet is horrific! I lost 30 in 6 weeks and I was already underweight. Others have developed kidney stones due to dehydration. The stress is going to lower your immune system too... so vitamins, milk shakes, smoothies, whatever you can get down okay?
Meanwhile, I'm going to repeat myself, you don't have to decide anything right now. Focus on taking care of yourself physically. Mentally and emotionally...(?) hell, this is a roller coaster, hang on. And know you aren't alone! We get it. And believe it or not... it won't always feel this bad. One step at a time.
[This message edited by Take2 at 5:31 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)]
Others with more experience will be along to help you. Just want you to know you are not alone. This sh*t sucks.
Read the Healing Library (yellow box on the left) there is a lot there to help you with this.
Your WW (wayward wife) will lie and tell you what ever she thinks will make her look good and you look like a loser, don't believe any of it. In fact, don't believe anything she says right now. Your WW is not interested in your M right now, she is only interested in protecting herself.
I really wish you were not here, welcome to the club that no one want's to join.
Take care of yourself, for you and your beautiful DD (darling daughter). Eat, even if you can't, drink plenty of water, not booze, work out. Take care of you for a change.
First - welcome - sorry you need to be here. But it really is the best place to find support, strategies and thoughtful advice.
Second - you are not crying like a loser - you are crying like a destroyed human - infidelity (as everyone here knows) is a complete assault on our physical and mental health, our reality, our inner compass and on our view of life and the world. There would be cause for concern if this pain and horror didn't make you cry. So cry away...
Thirdly, you don't need to decide any time soon whether you'll save the marriage or cut her loose. It's too soon. Give yourself time to process - to find a way of coping with your WW's betrayal. It's recommended that you make no major decisions for the first year (that time frame changes depending on who you talk to) but you'll know when you are ready to decide. For now take it one day, one hour or one minute at a time. Whatever you need.
Read the healing library as well as the links at the top of the JFO forum - the ones with the bullseye icon. I wish I had a tenth of that info on my Dday - but I didn't find SI until 4 months in.
Finally I'll share what a much wiser SI-er said to me on my first thread. I'll have to paraphrase here but...
"I can't promise your marriage will survive - but I promise...YOU will..."
It was a ray of hope in a very dark time. Keep reading and post whenever you feel the need. Again, welcome...(((Destroyedman)))
I'm right there with you. We are all.
No side hug here. Full hug. So sorry.
You're not crying like loser, you're not a loser, you're someone that just had his world crumble around his ears.
I can relate to a portion of your story. What she's doing is what we call gaslighting and blameshifting. She will do and say anything to make herself out to be justified in her actions and to also be the victim. Don't let this happen. A couple is 50%/50% to blame on issues in a marriage, your WW is 100% to blame for her affair. Don't, for one second, let be turned on you. She made the decision to cheat, not you, you didn't push her towards him. She could have just as easily gone to you and said "honey, we have issues to talk about." instead she chose another man. I'm sorry.
I can relate that my husband has tried to blame me, make himself the victim, come out with little pearls of wisdom such as "I already thought you were cheating." etc... I know how being unemployed sucks, I am too, for 7 yrs. I'm solely dependent on him and having a hard time finding work (we're not too from from each other - Western MA). I can't leave until I'm back on my feet. The thing is you are working towards something great. Why put that on hold? Continue working on it. It just may be the productive outlet you need right now. If you're working towards your dream, then go for it. Don't stop. I have faith that you can do it.
This rollercoster she put you on is a long ride. You'll have good days and you'll have bad days, trust me on this. But with time, it will get better. Not right away, but one day.
D-Day June 12th 2008, D-Day #2 Sept 28th
D-Day #3 Feb 15th & 16th 2010, D-Day #4 Nov 29th 2010
" Why put that on hold? Continue working on it. It just may be the productive outlet you need right now. If you're working towards your dream, then go for it. Don't stop. I have faith that you can do it. "
thank you so much, i haven't heard those kind of words in so long, it really does mean a lot.
You will have no concentration and you will lose weight and sleep. Read from the Healing Library.
Make NO major decisions at this very emotional time.
I know how you feel. I know the devastation, the shock, disbelief, and all the other shit that comes with learning of being betrayed by the one who you were supposed to be able to trust above all others.
First off, and this is extremely important. Sear this into your heart, mind, and soul for it is the truth:
Her having an affair with another man had NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.
It didn't have anything to do with you or how good or bad of a husband you may or may not have been. Nor did it have anything to do with how good or bad your marriage may or may not have been.
Keep in mind, infidelity occurs as much if not more in marriages that are deemed "good" as those that are deemed "bad". Adultery/infidelity is NOT a marital issue - it is a PERSONAL issue.
It's not you - it is HER.
If she thought the marriage was so very bad then it is simply a matter of separation and divorce. That's it.
Second. Your wife has not destroyed your life. She has destroyed HER integrity and sense of loyalty forever but YOU still have yours. YOU will still be able to look in your daughters eyes and be able to tell her that you kept your word.
You feel incredibly betrayed. I felt this and occasionally the "how could she do this?" feeling still comes up (I'm a little over a year from D-day and divorcing her). So long as you have YOUR integrity you will have the ability to trust again.
It will take time to get over the betrayal. Keeping in mind that it had nothing to do with you is key in healing.
Do NOT speak with or confront the affair guy. Know this: He doesn't give a shit about you, your pain, your daughter, your daughter's pain, your family, or your family's pain. He only cares about saving his ass and will lie in any way, shape or form to do so. He will deceive you as much as he needs to so that he minimizes any consequence of his actions. It was a good thing that you immediately informed his fiance. Exposing the affair is one of the best ways to kill it.
Do not trust your wayward wife. She has been extremely dishonest with you and will continue to do so in order to avoid the consequences of doing something to you that she knows she would never want anyone to do to her. My wayward wife became the most dishonest person I have ever known. It may be shocking how much you may find that she has lied and deceived so be prepared for any and all of that.
Seek support from your family and close friends. They can be invaluable. Mine were. Tell whomever you feel comfortable telling but mainly those who are going to be supportive.
I would consult with a lawyer to find out your rights if you decide to divorce.
And, know that you will get passed this. Your world has not ended. One thing I can tell you is that experiences like this force us to reach deep-down within ourselves. You will learn and discover abilities that you never imagined you had within yourself.
This is not the end of your world or your life. I know it seems that way right now but you will see in time.
its 6 am here, cant sleep. I really don't understand one thing i am feeling and saying. because i have no way to get out of my apartment, i have no money of my own now, and i dont want to abandon my daughter, i cant just up and leave and take my daughter to my moms house, if i do my W threatened to call the police. So i am basically stuck living here.
I am having this feeling that she would actually be better with the OM. I have told her this, in a very calm logical way, saying "i think you would be better with him, you have a better connection, and you obviously had a PA". i am actually trying to convince her to go to him. I dont know why i feel this way, if its what i really want, but i say it. maybe i believe it really wont happen. maybe i feel like i want her to go back to him, and eventually realize they really had nothing. maybe it is a quick and easy way for me to just accept that we are over in my mind. maybe when she says no, it makes me feel better or something.
he did not agree to tell me, because he didnt trust me. so he finally agreed to give me the info at some point later, in a non traceable way, and in return asked me not to contact him, his fiance, or any thing related to him again.
Do NOT contact him again or believe a word he says. He is looking after himself and has absolutely no concern for you or your WW.
About what she said about contacting the police. What grounds would she have? If you tell her you're taking your daughter to your mother's house I don't think that would fall under anything illegal. Now that she's going down that road the best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter would be to find out the laws in CT. Talk to a lawyer, talk to the police, just give them basics, find out where you stand. There's power in knowledge. I'm not saying file a report or divorce, just get information. Once you have that you may not feel trapped and she won't be able to threaten you anymore, and that's exactly what she did.
"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back up"
Normally, when something is wrong, and you aren't getting what you need from a marriage - you talk, you get MC, you work on it. Having an affair can not do anything toward fixing or filling that gap.
You were in the same marriage - why didn't you cheat? Was it perfect for you? Why did you honor your vows? Is it because you wouldn't do that to someone else, you realized such an action would in fact be destroying your M? Integrity held you to the bounds of the M - that is what marriage is supposed to be, right and why we take vows?
Her gap - is personal. Why doesn't she have "the line you don't cross"? Why were her boundaries so loose? Why is she entitled to break her vows when things get hard? What was she getting out of the A that she couldn't get in the M? Ego stroking? What makes her so special that she gets to do what she wants while you suffer the consequences?
The only gap this addressed was inside of her as an individual. A's require a huge amount of selfishness and entitlement, they require deceit, and lie upon lie told to your spouse and others. There is a personal gap - right there - a gap in her integrity. A's don't fix problems, fill gaps or address anything in the M. They wreck havoc and destroy marriages.
Whatever the gap she was trying to fill -- it is still there inside of her.