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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: polygraph
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're at 6 months. My ww has seemingly told me everything, but i have lingering doubts. I suggested a.polygraph but she flatly refused. Saying it's belittling, disrespectful etc.
(like what she did wasn't)
All her refusal does is fuel my doubts. It seems we're at an impass. Very frustrated and angry.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted WH to take a poly for 2 years..he refused..called them unreliable,said he wasn't going to risk his marriage on an untrustworthy machine(Oh the irony).

Then,2.5 years into R he TT's me..there was another PA/AP a few months prior to the one I found out about on dday1.

Now he says he'll take the poly.

IMO,if they refuse it's because they're hiding something. Otherwise,why not jump at the chance to prove *this* is all there is to know?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7305 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO,if they refuse it's because they're hiding something. Otherwise,why not jump at the chance to prove *this* is all there is to know?

Agree completely.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH agreed to take a polygraph because he was willing to do anything to help me heal. Plus it turned out that he was (finally) telling the truth.

He found it humiliating, but oh well. It was very private. It took 24 hours for the result.

We have both been very glad he had the test; me because it helped me begin to look forward and him because he was falsely accused at work.

I would be suspicious. Sorry.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO,if they refuse it's because they're hiding something. Otherwise,why not jump at the chance to prove *this* is all there is to know?

I agree with this, also.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 791 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
jimbo25319
♂ Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

If she was 100% into R, she would do whatever it takes to help ease your fears.

I think you probably don't have the full story.


Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
OptimisticWife
♀ Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has flatly refused to take a poly too. He has said in the past that if our marriage comes down to the humiliation of a polygraph test then what's the point.
Obviously the humiliation I suffered because of his affair means nothing.
I told him I believed my request is justified and fair.
Unfortunately our psychologist sided with my WH and he felt justified in his denial.
The psychologist said that my WH would most likely beat the test regardless if he took it because he's learnt to switch his emotions off from a childhood full of abuse.
I feel there's still more he's hiding and I would still love him to take the test.
I feel he should do it simply because I told him I need it. It's a dead topic in his mind though. It adds more doubt in my mind. I dont feel that I have the complete truth.

Good luck.


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi optimisticwife.

If you get the right person I feel that the polygraph is quite accurate. Ours asked all kinds of questions to establish a baseline, etc and talked about reliability. There is a range of responses and grey areas and in his opinion it is hard for someone to "fake" an answer up to complete truthfulness. I think that this argument is bogus. And what would the psychologist know anyway?

I would have a hard time accepting it if my fWH refused.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a WS is unwilling to take a poly it's probably because there's still more to hide.

I took one, it wasn't THAT humiliating. Nothing compared to how a BS feels after finding out they've been cheated on, I'm thinking.

And, the only time I agreed to it was when I had finally told everything. Before that, when I still had things to hide, I gave the same reasons your WW did.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37243 | Registered: Sep 2007
WishingForLethe
♀ Member
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have family members in law enforcement and they all routinely say they are not reliable and they (the officer) would never submit to one. Therefore, my BH never thought they would be valuable.

However, if he had asked me to take one I would not have hesitated. Whether the results were accurate or not, I would be doing everything I could do to help him heal.

I think you might remind your WS it is not really about him anymore.


Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IIRC,an SI member who is either in law enforcement or maybe even administers the tests themselves, has posted before that the reason polygraphs aren't admissible in court,is because a sociopath can pass a poly with no problem. That a person who has lied so much that they've convinced themselves, can pass one.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7305 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Fightingmad
♀ Member
Member # 37330
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has passed a poly for a job where I know he was less than truthful so to me they're not accurate. Plus, if I was that worried he wasn't being truthful I'd be out of here any way. Just my opinion


Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Married 10 yrs
Together 11 1/2 years
I've loved him forever
4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love


Posts: 597 | Registered: Oct 2012
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think more the point is that if a WS is unwilling to take one, there's probably more to it.

I know that once I was fully 100% remorseful and truthful I would have agreed to anything to prove it to my BS.

Yakamashi's WW's reaction says a lot.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37243 | Registered: Sep 2007
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO,if they refuse it's because they're hiding something. Otherwise,why not jump at the chance to prove *this* is all there is to know?

*Raises hand and cosigns this along with others* Big red flag. How is she doing with the other boundaries and things you asked of her for R?

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:27 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
OptimisticWife
♀ Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the Authenticnow.

I wanted my WH to at least be willing to take the test. If he had of said yes without hesitation, I may have been ok to leave it at that. The flat out denial, anger at my request and acting insulted is what concerned me. This is what makes me believe he's hiding more. I have to figure out if I can live with that of not. At the moment I'm not doing so well.

Catlover, Our psychologist use to work for law inforcement. She's done a lot of work around polygraphs and determining if suspects are being truthful and whether offenders are likely to reoffend.

Yakamishi, the doubt remains. I have days when I can convince myself that I'm either better off not knowing or that the past no longer matters but it comes back at me out of the blue and knocks me down.
I hope you have better luck than me convincing your WW to take the test.
Good luck.


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suggested a.polygraph but she flatly refused. Saying it's belittling, disrespectful etc.

Bull. She is afraid of failing the test or embarrassed.

Belittling and disrespectful? Tell her, "try being on the crap end of the cheating stick"

IMO, looks like she doesn't want to do what it takes to right her wrong, and her not answering your questions truthfully is denying you the minimum of what she should be doing if she wants to keep this marriage.

Its up to you, but I'd seriously consider divorcing such a woman.
I'd let her know if she isn't willing to suffer your simple and reasonable requests, then she doesn't want the marriage that bad.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
bewildered22
♀ New Member
Member # 36487
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would agree...you do not know all of the story. A few points..if BS agrees be sure to go through with it. Don't think because they agree they are telling the truth. Another..be sure that you want to know everything!! MY WS was willing to take the test. He revealed more TT before the poly so I honestly thought I had all the information. Sitting in the room..hearing all the things I didn't know ..things that weren't even on my radar ..was the worst thing I have every experienced.Who is this person??? I question sometimes if he would have have just admitted PA (said only EA) with the OW that I discovered if I would have even thought to asked for the poly..in the end it revealed PA and 2 other ONS - Once I had the poly in my mind...I pushed for it because it was the only way i could think to move towards recovery. I believe it will be like that for you - always lingering doubt. I hope she agrees..and she passes for your sake; however, if she doesn't at least you have what you need to make decisions.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2012
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly just agreeing to one means nothing. My WH said he would take one not long after Dday, when he was actively still lying to me ;(


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yaka-dude ... set it up and drive here there without telling her where you're going until you park your car in the poly lot. Tell her then, only then. I've read enough stories here to know that she'll probably fess up in the parking lot.

Posts: 1939 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband said the same thing about his "privacy" when i told him i wanted his phone records...not the phone but the actual phone records. he had every excuse in the world why he didnt feel that was right. in the end....i got those records and it clearly showed i was in false r...he was still cheating.

i didnt ask for a poly...because after what i found...it was enough...but if he had refused, then i would know he was full of shit..again.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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