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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't remember...
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. I haven't told my story yet, I don't even know where to begin. Every time I present evidence to my WW about her whereabouts on certain dates and times she " doesn't remember" and wants to see my evidence. It wasn't long ago. I confronted OM. It was confirmed and she confessed only to what I know. What's the deal?

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW is deep in denial and the fog of the affair. There are numerous stories on here about this same thing. WS 101 states they will deny until they can not anymore.

Sorry you are going through this. Please read what you can in the healing library. Reading as much as possible helped me a lot.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, your WW's biggest regret is getting caught. When she begins to feel remorse, she will come to you with details.

Welcome to the best club no-one ever wanted to join. Sorry you're here glad you made it.

Please check out the healing library in the upper left hand corner. There is some fabulous information contained within. It's gonna answer a lot of your questions, and probably even some you haven't thought of yet.

How are you doing? Please make sure you're taking care of yourself. Drink lots of fluids. Eat when and if you can. Are you able to sleep? If not, it's ok to seek professional assistance. On that note, get tested for STD's. Avoid unprotected sex with WW til she's tested too. Unfortunately, in the land of rainbow farting unicorns where she is, STD's are probably non-existent. Or possibly, he's a 'good' man who wouldn't have done this before.

Sorry you're here

Strength

ETA Does the OM's BW know? Please, inform her. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you?

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:29 PM, March 25th (Monday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2551 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:52 PM, March 25th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you very much for your responses. She seems to want to reconcile but still gets upset and walks away when I broach the subject. She will get angry or state that she has told me everything which really is nothing. The standard low ball figure on sex, twice over approximately four weeks and went to his home twice then became three times. Sex was clumsy and awful and she just wanted to get home. The basic standard answers to keep me at bay although phone and texts activity were very very active.
She was upset at getting caught. She had no concerns for myself or my 2 young boys, 4 and 6. I'm on the fence about divorce or reconciliation. Ill be a single dad. She doesn't understand that I need her to be forthright about the affair for me to make my decision.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Demand full transparency(phone, e-mail texts), don't ask. Have her provide a timeline of events 'to the best of her memory'. Call her on bullsh.. answers. Have her create and send a no-contact letter to the OM.

Gets upset and walks away? Initiate N/C with her except as it relates to children and finances. Follow that up with a visit to a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row to divorce. Doesn't mean you have to file, just discover your options. Ask her where she plans to live after the D. Don't use it as an idle threat. See the lawyer, get the ball rolling. Force her to see the consequences of her actions. Protect the kids.

Nothing you did made her have an affair.(Unless you held a gun to her head and forced her onto his penis). It was her choice. Marriage issues? Sure, we've all got em. Rather than fix the problem, she made a different decision. Don't let her shift any of the blame on you.

Sounds like you're making a good start.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2551 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 545. It's difficult

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Beautifulmind
♂ New Member
Member # 38361
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed 444,
It is DIFFICULT but absolutely necessary. The "Fog" is an mother effer and all you can control is what YOU do. Empower yourself and do things for you. IMO you have to be 100% ready and willing to Leave your marriage in order to pull them out of this fog and save the M.
Drastic times call for drastic measures.


Me - BH (41) Her - WW (41)
OM#1- Her Boss (EA 9 mo/PA 4 mo)
OM#2 -Family Friend (EA/PA - ONS)
Married 15 yrs / together 21
DS's - 11,8,5
Too Many DD's TT's to death
(1st *8-28-12)
Both IC,MC - Trying to R

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Midwest
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you and understood. My "best friend" is gone. I haven't even the fortitude at this time and write the forthcoming novel to get it off my chest. I don't know who she is, where she went, and if ill ever see her again. Her once sharp memory is fragmented. She thinks I'm a fool.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you find yourself here... it may be more beneficial to post in "Just Found Out"... share your story there... your W is no where near recon-material yet.

Take Care.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take your time with that novel, B444. I remember being afraid to type because it would hurt too much.... getting all that reality out.

Take care of yourself. That's your main job right now. Check out our Healing Library for survival tips and tricks. Know that you're not alone, and that you're going to be ok.

(((Betrayed444)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16416 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I don't know/remember" = "I know but Im not going to tell you because it will just make you madder at me,or more sad,and I don't want to deal with that. I am still being selfish and protecting myself,and *I* get to decide what you get to know about me and this marriage."


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7139 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused
That is awesome. Thank you

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have wanted to post in the just found out. My DDays were 11/14 and 12/8. Two people. It's very complicated. Karma has also been involved in a big way. This site has been tremendous

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PM for you Betrayed444


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36478 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's FOG at all, more like CYA, catch me if you can, I'll string you along, TT, and compare stories with OPOS M Fuckers is what it/they are.

It ain't FOG, it's smoke these cowards want to blow up your ass, act "dumb", play the meaning of is shit. BTW, please, DO NOT consider a damn word WW or OPOS co-cheater say as anything but collaborative lies. I say hammer her ass hard (D right now), and see how that might snap her memory into high acuity... If it doesn't, great!, that much closer to a great life without her.

Best of luck friend.

Edit fer spillin

[This message edited by Shockleader at 1:09 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
XWW 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 619 | Registered: Sep 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"The fog" is just a way of describing a wayward's selfish mememememe attitude. It's not a medical condition. Well,unless having your head up your ass counts.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7139 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not a fog. She's covering her six. She is deliberately holding back because one of her concerns is me using it against her in court. Another is that hopefully well reconcile and she can sweep it under the rug. Her stance is basically show me the proof then I might confirm it.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Show her nothing.

You don't have to reveal your sources.

YOU know what she has done because you have seen the evidence...and she knows what she has done.

This isn't a court of law...you don't have to prove shit to her.


NEVER reveal your sources.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7139 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for you Betrayed444.

Do go see a lawyer. You need to know what your rights are, what likely custody arrangements will occur, if the affair will have any bearing on a divorce settlement.

You will feel safer after you know your rights and what is likely to happen if you chose D.

Very, very few WS seem to confess all on Dday. On these forums the majority dribble out the truth over the first couple months.

Keep in mind, the overriding emotion your WW is probably feeling is SHAME. Having to tell you specifics probably feels like she is having her nose rubbed in her own poo. Withholding info makes her feel like she is retaining dignity.

You might want to point out to her that the likelihood of you batting 1000 and finding ALL the info is close to zilch. So the fact that she has confessed to only what she THINKS (insinuate you know more that you haven't revealed) you know, pretty much means there is more.

Do NOT tell her the info you know. Do not tell her where you got it.

Is she in IC?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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