Most here on SI and in real life would say to reach out and get help. Don't worry about what others would think of him. But do what works for you. I just know in MY gut that telling others will just make things more emotional and complicated for me and I'd rather not.
Are you in IC? I am and it helps to get it all out to someone. There may also be therapy groups in your area.
I don't want "advice" from others. I don't want to answer questions.
Most of all, I don't want our children to be hurt by this. It would also put me in a position of needing to comfort them at a time when I need that for myself.
I have discovered that I can be quite the actress, pretending my life hasn't been turned on its head. You'll find that most are so focused on their own problems that they won't notice if you're a little "off."
None of this is easy. We've been going to counseling, which has been a tremendous help. It's also a safe place for me to discuss my feelings.
Ultimately, if it becomes too hard for you, it's alright to confide in someone.
...telling others will just make things more emotional and complicated for me and I'd rather not.
This is what got me through the rough times. I reached out, but but turned out she was involved and part of the double betrayal.
After that bomb, I had SI. Not even having to post, just read and nod my head, cry, read more, rinse repeat. It took me a long time before I had the nerve to even register.
There were so many times I wanted to call my mom or his mom or someone I knew loved me and just cry and rant, but I didn't. Adding another layer of drama was what I wanted to avoid more than the plague.
Hang in there!
I didn't want to have others' opinions thrust at me, or have to deal with awkwardness at holidays or other events.
That being said, if R didn't work out and we divorced, I would no longer be inclined to keep the reason a secret.
It sucks, because I often feel like it's protecting him from consequences he deserves, and it's not fair that he escapes from this with his reputation unscathed. But right now, the thought of what it would/could do to MY life is more powerful than the need for him to "hurt" a little.
Hearts: I really feel for you finding out the day before a big holiday. My D-Day was 3 weeks before Christmas and we have two young boys. My H did all of the work though. Everything. He even bought himself a present and wrapped it so the boys wouldn't wonder why Dad had no gifts. I know that is pathetic but now it makes us laugh.
Someone wrote that they feel ashamed for staying. Please don't. You see a reason for staying, for wanting to reconcile. As time went by I saw my H as he really is - a good person who did a terrible thing. He's not the A. You must know this about your spouse too deep down inside.
As an honest person it is even harder to walk around smiling. We want to live authentic lives and we still can without most people knowing but its very very tough isn't it? I am working on this now.
My sister and my best friend know but they live in another province. I didn't tell my bf until I was two weeks in. She is normally a very judgemental person but she was wonderful and only focussed on me and how I was feeling. In time she said she was happy we were working on things. While I don't know if we will ever go out again as a foursome, at least she has not bad-mouthed him (save for that first little while after she found out!).
Some people think the WS has to tell people in order to figure out the severity of what he/she has done. I disagree. His best friend knows, he got to IC and we go to MC. The more work he does on himself, the more the fog lifts. Whenever he cries I know he has reached a new level of awareness.
Please do something kind for yourself everyday - walk, eat your fav piece of candy, read a great book, buy a latte instead of your regular coffee, look through a fun magazine, call a friend. Little things do mean a lot now.
Finally and most importantly, if you can find at least ONE friend to talk too YOU DO NEED support. Find someone you know to be fair and kind-hearted it might really help. But please, pleaes don't cave in to pressure to TELL THE WORLD. Be true to what you want. And please don't feel ashamed. Shame is debilitating. Go to the Oprah site - Dr. Brene Brown has a short 6 minute video on there about SHame vs. Guilt.
Finally, please get in to see an IC. It's such a relief to talk to someone who is just there to listen, guide and offer some professional direction.
Take care all of you.
[This message edited by LA44 at 7:42 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]
Two other things to think about:
I just want normal again
The other thing to think about is
If we R I don't want other to think less of him
[This message edited by Blobette at 7:29 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]
Now his parents are asking us which day is best for Easter, like nothing's wrong. I think they expect that MC will fix everything and of course I'll want to stay with their son.
We also haven't told the kids anything yet. It's my daughter's birthday soon and I don't want to make any decisions that she might forever associate with her birthday.
I found SI almost four years after my D-Day, and it was such a relief as I felt I was suffering in silence.
About five years out, I confessed to a very close aunt and cousin who knew that something in me had changed. It was a relief for them to know and get some of this out in the open.
My WH also confessed the A to our sons a couple of years ago, at the time between ages 18-23. They saw the change in me, and he wanted them to understand that it was due to what he did, and he apologized to them for changing their lives.
Everyone is different, but I truly needed to confide in someone after the shock, and I don't regret telling my friend.
I feel shame for what he did. I hate that.
I have told a few people and I deeply regret it. The fact that they now have this knowledge about my husband's betrayal has changed our friendship so now I deal with my marriage situation and my friend relationships all being different. The people that don't know think everything is great. People call us the lovebirds. Well, the people that don't know. Honestly, when I did tell some people, they were completely blown away and I had to comfort them.
I struggle with being honest with others, too. But I also believe in my right to privacy.
It seems like the people that do know, the betrayal becomes the topic. And really, it is not so much the betrayal, but the fact that I decided to stay with him and reconcile. Almost every single person who I told, except one, wanted to know when I am leaving him. I told 6 friends. His son knows. Of the 7 people, 6 want me to leave him. They question me and why I stay. They began to judge me for staying. For them it was all black and white. I asked them all what they would do and they all said betrayal was a deal breaker for them. I asked if they ever experienced it and they said no. Thinking about what you will do and then actually having to live it, well, sometimes you do things differently from what you expect.
So I come to another fork in the road, this time with friends and family. When I came to this place on DD, I chose the path less traveled, and it is full of obstacles and I don't know where it will lead me. Now I realize that I have a sense of betrayal from family and friends, too with their judgement of my staying with my husband.
Just because he broke his vows doesn't mean I have to break mine. Why are some things forgivable and some not? Who makes those decisions?
I wish I never told anyone. I have told my friends I wish I never told them. I deeply regret it. It is too much pressure to try to reconcile with my husband and be friends with people who keep judging me. And judging him.
When do people start looking in the mirror? Who is perfect out there?
Time will tell about my marriage. If we make it, it will be because we worked at it. If we don't, I will know that I have done everything I possibly could to make this marriage work. I will fine peace either way.
I thought we were reconciling...I left him a year after DDay
We are divorcing
I knew on D-day that telling family back home would only make it harder to R, I always thought infidelity would be a deal breaker and I was shocked at my strong feeling to work on this early on,
I knew right then and there to be weary of taking
advise from anyone who hasn't gone through this as they could have the same opinion I thought I had, kick em to the curb and don't look back.
It's hard when I see family on Skype, it takes all I have not to burst into tears, I just want a hug and to be told everything will be ok,
I had a miscarriage 2 months before D-day so mostly I think family and friends still think I'm struggling with that when they see I'm sad, they say things like " don't worry you can try again" I can't tell them we've put it on hold
Even though its hard not having the support the further into R we go the more thankful I am that I kept it to myself, the first few months are the hardest ,
I'm thankful for the distance, seeing them all face to face I think i might of broke
You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you
I am also Christian so I ask myself, "who am I NOT to forgive?" And while I have not spoken those words yet to my H, I know I am very capable of it. It's in my being.
And yes. Like you I always thought infidelity was a dealbreaker. I was CONVINCED I would leave. Well guess what? What you think you do and what you actually do when faced with this mess are so very different aren't they? When you are not living it, you just don't understand.
I really like your last paragraph - that you will do all you can to work on your marriage and if it works, great and if it doesn't, you gave it your all.
And please for those who have not gone for IC - please make that call. Holding this within you is a tremendous burden to your spiritually, physically and emotionally.
[This message edited by LA44 at 11:53 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]
I contemplate now if I should tell our families, I think it would help snap WH out of his fog. The IC I saw asked if the only reason I wanted to tell was to get my 'pound of flesh' partly yes because through it all the only consequence WH has had is dealing with a very emotional, bitchy, angry me.
I think we all deserve Academy Awards.
I don't want my DD growing up and hearing other people judge her mother for her A. I realize that it will make it easier for WW to paint me as the villain in all this, but I know I'll always have the support of my closest friends. My family will not judge me (I don't think).
Easter is coming up and I'm staying home while WW takes DD to visit her family out of state. WW made up a story that I had to stay because of work. Eventually we will have to have the painful conversations with our families that we're separating but I for one won't be mentioning the A.
We were at a party over the weekend, and pictures were taken. Posted on Facebook, and commented on.
"You guys look so happy together!"
"They are perfect together!"
"You are the perfect couple"
If they only knew.
[This message edited by Changed72 at 6:40 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)]