My kids are suffering, my brain is consumed all the time with what he and OW did to me. Easter is in a few days, and my Stepdaughter is coming into full communion with the church Easter Sunday. I am having 30+ people for a reception afterwards and I cant even plan a menu (I'm a classically trained chef )
Today I went through some old emails from Jan of 12 that was 3 months after 1st dday during false R. It just really REALLY pissed me off. I was pouring myself out on these pages to him. Doing so much work on myself, desperately trying to save my M. His responses were manipulative, cold and or over the top emotional.... Of course during this time he was still sleeping with her and having a 2nd life in another city.
Just reminded me to put my guard back up. He can be extremely cruel. Another ramble from me..,. just feeling really low and lonely
I discovered something I don't know if it will help, but on a site I can't find again, it talks about BS's possibly falling into PTSD and it fits when the grief is all-consuming. Reading about it has helped me, like Chef said about reading in general.
My grief is beginning to be helped in very small ways. It's 2.5 months since DDay for me and I try to think of my daughter and baby to be, but of my daughter and her reactions on Easter to stuff I got her. Or getting the egg hunt ready. I look at the stuff and think of the colors.
I will admit that one of my first lightbulbs during the grief is light-the sun on my face was first and was a symbol that I knew life before I knew WH-who is leaving me permanently for OW.
Next during the grief I found myself very drawn to specks of bright color and my mind would focus on that.
And when its really bad, I get in the car and drive. If DD is home, I get her and crank that music up. I force myself to hear the songs words or pick an instrument rift to follow-something to reel yourself in to right now.
The last part is some meditation I have learned. I tell myself repeatedly "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. He's not here and I'm okay. She's okay." And sometimes I even think of what clothes I'm wearing and name objects on them or objects on the rug in the room.
These are little meditation tactics that really have helped the grief and depression stage I am in.
I also remind myself constantly that WH is not the same person for me-that person died.
I hope any of it will help any of you. For me, I have a pretty good virtual help desk, but I feel selfish getting tired of platitudes and need something to do to push the thoughts out.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
What you are feeling is normal. It's okay. One day at a time and you will come out of this. But gently, as someone who has btdt, are you in therapy? It sounds like you have been beat down, gaslighted over a long period of time. No wonder you can't think straight. Therapy can be your frontal cortex (brain) to help you sort this out. It can give you tools to help you
((((Hug))) mojo for a delicious meal.!
Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo
(((Hugs))) hate that we're all here, but so grateful for my SI friends