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User Topic: Trying to understand, detach, heal and move on from my EA...
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Stop  Posted: 8:52 AM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post.

I am desparately trying to move on from a 2 and half year EA that was long distance (we only ever physically met once). It ended on the 3rd and final d-day almost 10 weeks ago and there has been absolute NC since. I am working on my M. My husband knows. I told him during a raging fight a few weeks ago but as of now he is refusing to talk about it or discuss it. I am letting him cope the way he knows best but am 100% transparent and am willing to answer any of his questions when he is ready. I am working hard on that side of my life.

My reason for this post is to understand why I'm having such a hard time letting go of my married affair partner.

After extensive reading and analysis I am more than able to understand the following;

1. I was never a substitute for his wife
2. I was there as an ego boost
3. I made him feel young and attractive (He was 19 years older)
4. His family ALWAYS came first
5. He never made me any promises. Alluded to them, yes, but they were never direct

I also know the following (fog or no fog)

1. There was a genuine care and love between us
2. The attachment and dependence was intense and "real"
3. The passion was none like I've ever experienced before
4. I was addicted to him. Perhaps bordering on infatuation.

After alot of introspection I have understood this was an AFFAIR for him. For me it was destiny, meant to be blah blah you get the gist. I was one of many for him. This was the first time I've ever done anything like this.

I can say with all my inner conviction and resolve, TO ME IT WAS REAL.

Anyway, There were a few D-days where he still maintained contact. D-day 3, he threw me under the bus. His W called me and abused me (fair enough), he abused me himself etc. This is 2 hours after a "I miss you and love you" email.

He played down the previous 2 d-days so obviously this one was something different. It also happened to be on his birthday.

His recklessness was almost deliberate. He subconciously/conciously wanted to get caught. I wanted it to end too. It was a strain. For some reason, neither of us had the strength or courage to really end it. I started making it difficult for us. You know the drill.

I get the theory. I get it. He never wanted a wife replacement. He saw the "light", was a "slap in the face", a reality check. He realised he loved his family more.

What I don't get is how can someone's feelings turn so abrubtly in a space of 2 hours? Can I conclude from this it never meant anything? That none of the intimate things we talked about meant anything? Should I really believe that it was all just based in fantasy, after I saw his face (skype) and can tell genuine care and concern when I see it?

After all we shared, I just cant seem to get my head around why it ended like this. I am still very attached to him.

I DO NOT and WILL not resume any type of contact or connection with him. Too much was said and I have far too much self-respect. BUT, I am hanging on to something which is stopping me from moving on.

When I read on another thread here how it was easy for the MoM to detach on d-day and move on it makes me understand. Then I wonder is it only cos their wives are reading?

I'm just deeply hurting still as I grapple with the fact that the relationship was totally one sided.

I want to reach the stage of indifference. I'm inpatient. I'm stuck.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI Trying33,

You haven’t been absolute NC for the past ten weeks because you are still working through the A and the role played by the MOM. In fact, you are putting too much emphasis on him when it comes to your wondering if he cared and how he could have changed so much in a 2-hour span of time. Does it really matter why he turned? Does it really matter if he cared?

I say this from experience, because I was one of those who was thrown under the bus by the AP, nothing you are wondering about will help you to move on from this. Nothing, except asking different questions like “why did I have the A in the first place” and “what did I get out of it”.

The fact is, you will never know why he changed. That’s okay. It doesn’t matter. My guess is that, like so many of us here, he was faced with a grim reality which snapped him out of his fog. My guess is that he knew he couldn’t do anything else and that he is going to work on turning things around in his life. Still, you won’t know, and it doesn’t matter.

The feelings you felt during the A were real…at that time. You are still in the time.

I strongly recommend you read this article – http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/ Pay particular attention to #7 and #8. That is where your feelings are coming from. The same thing happened to me. It took a long time for me to start seeing it differently.

Once you start learning what happened to you, you hopefully will be able to start asking the questions that matter.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
sosorryididthis
♀ Member
Member # 36727
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

edit

[This message edited by sosorryididthis at 5:45 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 188 | Registered: Sep 2012
WishingForLethe
♀ Member
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps this will give some perspective. I am one who "threw the AP under the bus." We are headed for D so I am not sugarcoating anything for the sake of my BH. In the end, I was awful to the AP. It was not especially intentional- but the NC email was sent Christmas Day. I have not and never will contact him again. No regrets about that.

The only times I ever had the faint urge to speak to him was when I wanted someone to tell me I was great again. And as for feeling it was real at the time, I am sure we did. Believe me, the heartrending skype promises and out pourings of emotion and affection were so intense that they ended up being the dealbreaker in my M. I am sure the AP believed them too. However, the AP was never anyone I would have been with in real life although I claimed the opposite to him. I lied both to my BH and to the AP- and to myself.

For people in an A it is not really about the other person. The AP could me Mr./Ms Universe, PhD, Nobel Prize winning person or a loser living in his sister' basement. What matters about the person is they fill a need in us and they are willing to take the leftovers we have to offer. How quickly we let go (and how uncaring most WS are of the APs feelings after DDay) underscores that. The AP is not a real person, they are part of a fantasy. When the fantasy shatters and reality intrudes- it's over.

Affairs do cause addiction to the "feel good" emotions. I do not doubt you both experienced pleasure. However, you know that is a chemically induced response. If you read more WS stories you will see almost all of us thought we were the "special snowflake" exception that excused our behavior. It did not. It sounds as though you are still feeling some of that. It is called "the fog" and when it clears you will remember MOM with much less affection. The pain will ease.

If your BH refuses to engage in discussion, I recommend you start looking at yourself. Focus on you rather than on his reasons. Put the energy you are using mourning him into finding out why were you willing to engage in this behavior? What are you missing in your life that this MOM fulfilled? It sounds from your post that this was against your usual code of behavior. What made you susceptible this time?

You have a lot of work and a lot of opportunity for growth right now, but it all involves letting go of the MOM. Don't give him real estate in your mind, heart or time. He doesn't deserve it.


Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank-you so much for your responses. It evoked deep emotion in me, tears, deep sadness and hurt.

Everything you all say makes too much sense. I know I'm still technically in the A. I am a sensible, logical and intelligent woman and I can't understand why I don't see the A for what it was.

I still feel a compulsion to check for him online, see what he's writing about, what his latest interests are. Like you WishingFor Lethe, I know he was DONE on that last d-day. In fact that term "It's OVER" is now ingrained in my head.

Ladies, is this a matter of willpower? Am I being weak by still keeping him in my head? I keep myself distracted, I am always busy and occupied. On the forefron my life would appear unaffected. I have gotten more involved with the kids school and have upped my part-time hours at work. But inside I am still constantly wondering, thinking, analysing.

I am fully aware as to why the A happened in the first place. Some would say cliche, I would probably agree; boredom, low self-esteem, lack of purposeful activity, felt unattractive (had 2 babies in 2 years), needed attention. It's all true and rather typical. I am dealing with these issues and am making drastic and life turning changes in order to provide these things for myself.


Baxters, thanks I read the article and I know I'm essentially tteating an addiction. How does one end the A in their head? I feel resentful that my AP appears to have moved on with his life (I know, again, giving him too much importance)

Baxters, did it not hurt you to be thrown under the bus? Was it not a blow in the gut, thinking how could he do this? Did you think you deserved it? How did you move on from it?

I've been reading that alot of AP, throw their OM/OW under the bus as they're imminently faced with the fear of losing what's really important to them. A wake up call etc. Do you think, wishing, that this threat made it easier for you to throw him under the bus?

As I write I'm wondering if this is an ego thing (for me)

Again, Thank-you so much for your responses. It really helps.

I want this man OUT of my head.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
sosorryididthis
♀ Member
Member # 36727
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

edit

[This message edited by sosorryididthis at 5:54 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 188 | Registered: Sep 2012
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorryididthis,

you state you will never again make such a "life-altering mistake".

For me this is the crux of it. I am hoping with all my might I will one day feel like this.

Truth is, I don't think my A was a mistake. I think it happened for a reason and I, on many levels, feel that he will always be special to me.

Please give me some perspective. Is this the FOG speaking or are there any WS's out there who feel the same?


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
WishingForLethe
♀ Member
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying- in order to work through this, I think you need to spend more time on your "why." I had a lot of those reasons, but they only scratched the surface.

Most WS, as they go deeper into the analysis of "why" realize it was not the AP who was special at all, it was just they way they felt with the AP that brought them back again and again. What I mean is- if another man had given you the same attention/ time or whatever it is you loved to feel, would the result have been the same? In every case I have read about- the answer is yes.

Seeing it was about you and your need to feel loved/ special/ attractive, and NOT about the AP will help you release this emotional attachment. If what you long for is those emotions- how can you fill that need on your own? How can you generate what you need from yourself to feel whole?

If your BH is not emotionally present enough to even discuss the A, it sounds like there are some serious issue there which need to be addressed. Is that the life you want to lead? If not, what can you do about it OTHER than have another A.

See, the problem with leaving your "why" where it is and going no deeper is you are not taking any proactive steps to fix yourself and your situation. You will continue to idealize and long for the AP. That is pretty much guaranteeing that the next time a man meets those needs, you will fall right back into another A.

Your A was not about love or him. It was about you. His was about him. When his reality was threatened, he shut down the fantasy. Nothing in your life has changed and you have not been called to account for your actions. I can see why it is easier to stay focused on the fantasy. You need to hold yourself accountable. Even if you have to put a rubber band around your wrist and pop it every time he crosses your mind- do it. Eventually the fog will lift. Keep posting here, get into IC and strengthen yourself. You can do this!

[This message edited by WishingForLethe at 9:46 AM, March 28th (Thursday)]


Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying - I get it. I am just over 3 months out from Dday 2 and I identify 100% with your 4 points. But, like you, I knew in my mind he would never leave, even though he alluded to it, and I also knew even if she found out, she would never leave. My marriage is over, and this was my weak and cowardly way of ending it.

But I can promise that as you get distance, you'll gain perspective. It was real in the moment, yes, but that moment wasn't authentic and real. It was fantasy. His feelings didn't change in a minute, but he went into survival mode, and you were a casualty of war. He had to preserve himself and his marriage.

I am now trying to distinguish whether my true feelings were love of OM, or just how good I felt about me when I was with him. He made me feel better than anyone ever, so it must have been love, but it is still about me in that scenario. I got off on the high of him telling me how fantastic and beautiful I was, I needed a fix, and I needed it a lot.

Today, I finally deleted my private email account, which contained all the remnants of our 8 months together: letters, declarations of love, and pictures. It was so hard to do, and I as I type this I tear up knowing I'll never see him again, and I still mess the heck out of him, but I know in the end, that I'll heal faster without it there, and that it is one more step to getting myself healed, and my head on straight.

You'll get there, you just need to give yourself time. In the meantime, it is good to focus on why we did it, in my case, obviously low self respect and self esteem, and too much dependency on outside validation, and not why we got thrown under the bus, because frankly does it really matter?

Indifference will come, but you have to consciously keep yourself occupied. When you mind drifts to him, do something, distract, journal, jumping jacks, anything.

Keep on keeping on, and you'll get there.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
hurt2005
♀ New Member
Member # 36918
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had two EA/PAs, both pretty different from each other, but there were never any 'declarations of love' on my side nor theirs. The closest I got was 'I miss you' with OM#2. So, take what I say with a pinch of salt because I never had those 'love' feelings (I had strong feelings yes but never any desire to ride away into the sunset with sparkly unicorns etc. etc.). But I had a hard time with mental NC so when I read this:

I still feel a compulsion to check for him online, see what he's writing about, what his latest interests are.

I totally relate, but what I know now what I should have done at the time was to block all ways to check on him. If you haven't done this, do it. And follow what others have said - hold yourself accountable.

Another thing I did for mental NC was to put my BBF into my 'fond' memories of the APs, so that my memories became associated with the consequences of my actions, reality, rather than what I had built them up to be in my head. I wish I had done this much earlier on. I imagined he was there while I was meeting the APs in person, while I was texting them, IMming... Imagining his reaction. Trying to think about him, rather than myself. Reading posts in JFO also helped.

And that's something that I notice about your post, that your husband is still absent. I'm not sure about the circumstances of your marriage or why your husband has reacted quite like that, but you do need to realise that you and the AP have caused damage to your husband and his wife. Your husband. His wife. There are other people to consider here.

One day I think you'll look back on this post and be embarrassed, shameful and relieved to have gotten yourself out of this needy, desperate state. I say this because I have just come across some old texts between me and OM#2 left on my computer. Reading them makes me feel ashamed that I ever said things like that to someone other than my BBF, and embarrassed, and bewildered. How could I ever, ever have thought that doing those hurtful things was ok? I'm going to add them to my timeline and tell BBF when he gets home. I can recognise the fantasy now, completely see through it. In time, you will too. One day I hope you will know what 'genuine care and love' really is.


WGF 27 | BBF 28 | in CC and in hope for R | 7 years
OM#1 EA, PA 2010 | OM#2 EA, PA (3x) 2011 | D-Day#1 2011, false R, D-Day #2 25/09/12
'Piglet was so excited at the idea of being Useful that he forgot to be frightened anymore.'

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: UK
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again to everyone for responding.

My husband is a conflict avoider a rug sweeper and generally someone who doesn't like to talk. He feels we should "move on" and draw a line under all our past issues and work with eachother to try and get close again.

He has not brought up the affair and has made it clear he doesn't want to talk about it. From what I know of him, he probably has deemed it insignificant and irrelevant as this is a coping mechanism to protect his ego and pride.

The fact of the matter is he is pushing us further apart by not acknowledging it or why it happened. I shouldn't have done it. I should've worked harder. But I didn't and now I am very sorry and want to make my M work. I am so lonely and miss my H.

You are right. I need to hold myself accountable.

I do not want to force him to talk. I want to respect his way of dealing BUT I am in pain inside.

As to the "why's" of the affair. It is more deeper than the surface attention seeking and low self esteem. In fact, my AP and I used to analyse why we were doing what we were doing whilst doing it. We worked through our "why's" at the same time.

I have made bold and drastic decisions that my H is supporting me with. Hopefully this will help with the voids that led to the EA.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to keep your husband talking about it. After Dday 1, my BH tried to ignore, not talk about it, not ask me about it, and that made it very easy to pick it right back up and just go further underground. It seemed to me like he just didn't care enough to fight for our marriage, so why should I? Obviously, twisted thinking, but NC lasted three weeks, and there I was at it again with a secret email account.

He wishes now, that he had been more diligent about making sure that the A had ended, and that he had held me accountable. Neither of you can heal from it, if you don't talk about it.

If you really want to save your M, you should consider going to counseling or a support group of some kind. Rug sweeping gives you no consequence, and makes the conditions ideal for another A in the future.

Just my .02


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to keep your husband talking about it. After Dday 1, my BH tried to ignore, not talk about it, not ask me about it, and that made it very easy to pick it right back up and just go further underground. It seemed to me like he just didn't care enough to fight for our marriage, so why should I? Obviously, twisted thinking, but NC lasted three weeks, and there I was at it again with a secret email account.
He wishes now, that he had been more diligent about making sure that the A had ended, and that he had held me accountable. Neither of you can heal from it, if you don't talk about it.

If you really want to save your M, you should consider going to counseling or a support group of some kind. Rug sweeping gives you no consequence, and makes the conditions ideal for another A in the future.

WWMEH13
What is your status now? You mentioned in another post that your marriage is over?

I also used to think that if he doesnt care enough about saving the M why should I? I also thought at one point that he was happy that I was "occupied" and not so demanding of his attention. This is how I justified my A. Warped and total rationalisation of my every action. My AP used to get taken aback by my powers of rationalising my every move. As long as I was still running a home well and my kids were attended to, no one was being hurt right???

I even managed to convince my sister that what I'm doing is harmeless. Powers of persuassion. Pathetic.

You sound like you're going through a hard time with the withdrawal? I also just deleted him (the AP)from my phone and therefore from an opportunity to check his status. Was not as difficult as I thought. He can continue his life in whatever way he likes and I will try and make mine better for me.

I will give my H a bit more time and let him absorb all this. I think I will know the right time to bring it up in case he doesnt.

I agree with you 100%. We can't just not talk about this.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
heartbroken0903
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Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I don't get is how can someone's feelings turn so abrubtly in a space of 2 hours?

When I read on another thread here how it was easy for the MoM to detach on d-day and move on it makes me understand. Then I wonder is it only cos their wives are reading?

Coming a little late to this.

Like WishingforLethe above, I too was the married affair partner who "threw the OM under the bus" on D-day.

My feelings during the affair were real too. I led the OM, who was single, to believe that I would leave my H to be with him. I didn't do it to play games or mess with his head...it's really what I thought I wanted to do.

The way D-day happened...being discovered...changed things. The status of the marriage, either staying in it or leaving it, was no longer on my terms. Seeing the despair that my then-H felt, knowing that I had done that to him, and had been arrogant enough to think that I'd get away with it and callous enough to think that even if I didn't, I didn't really care...well, I finally woke up to the kind of person I had actually become and what I wanted to do about that. And it wasn't continuing the affair/running off with the OM.

We did divorce, and even though we are back together now, my XH has never (to my knowledge) read here. I doubt he knows my user name and I'd bet my next paycheck that he'd never come here, because forums such as this are not his thing. So the way I feel as I stated above, isn't for show and isn't to appease my betrayed spouse. The truth was that D-day changed everything, and the life I'd envisioned having with the OM just wouldn't be sustainable in the "real world," even after I was single and free.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken,
I hear you. I've often wondered how both BS and WS can be on same forum? I would imagine it may encourage a platform for "saying the right things". But that's only me. I know the fact that my H doesnt know about this site helps me talk openly and honestly in a manner where I can be unfiltered. Like your xH he's not the type to use such mediums of expression.

What also baffled me was there were 2 previous d-days where AP acted completely differently. Went underground and told me "he'd handle things". But for some reason the last one changed things significantly. It's just my curiosity I guess, not knowing what happened, as I was usually his "go to" for help with his life.

The good thing is since I wrote the original post, I am much much less in the "why did he do this" state. It actually doesn't matter. Since that post I've deleted him from my phone and havent even had the urge to check him online. I genuinely don't care. I'm starting to see him for what he was. He's coming off the pedesatal and he WAS NOT my knight in shining armour that was gonna save me from my oh so terrible marriage.

Along with this detachment process from AP, I am still on a major rollercoaster with my H. In my perfect ideal head, Detachment from AP and re-attachment to H would happen in a beautiful alligned way.

He (my H) still refuses to talk about it. I am trying to understand his way of coping, the fact he doesn't want to deal with it, the fact that it's a defence mechanism, being in denial. This morning I broached the topic again, giving him a door to ask questions etc. He, as usual, ignored it.

But the truth of it is, I am losing RESPECT for him for not confronting his problems. His rugsweeping and CA is just too much of a negative trait for me. I realise I have no right to judge him as I am the most weak and cowardly for running to another man, but why isn't he fighting for us? Why can't he just shout and scream at me and call me names and stick up for himself? What is WRONG with him.

I know intellectually I'm being completely unreasonable here. I should just let things be. But I just can't start mending this M if he doesnt talk.

I have never felt so distant from him.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
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Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I'm trying to figure out a good place to start so forgive me if this is kind of all over the place.

I've often wondered how both BS and WS can be on same forum? I would imagine it may encourage a platform for "saying the right things". But that's only me.

There are several people that have both spouses on this site. Has it caused a "platform for saying the right things?" Sure, but I can tell you that in the long run, it's hard to bull shit a bull shitter. There are people here who have come to this site because they have a genuine desire to work on themselves and figure out why and how they made the choices they did. So despite the fact that I knew my BH would be reading my posts, the veteran WS's and BS's alike were able to help me work through and had no problem calling me on poor behavior. It can work with an open mind.

But I just can't start mending this M if he doesnt talk.

No, you can't mend your M right now, but why not start mending yourself? I will tell you that your BH could be the biggest asshole in the world. It still doesn't excuse your A. There were always other options, marriage counseling, separation, divorce. Any of those would have got his attention enough to know that the M was in trouble. The fact that you chose to go outside of your M is about you and not him. You don't appear to get that yet and here is why:

My husband knows. I told him during a raging fight a few weeks ago but as of now he is refusing to talk about it or discuss it.

My husband is a conflict avoider a rug sweeper and generally someone who doesn't like to talk.

The fact of the matter is he is pushing us further apart

I am losing RESPECT for him for not confronting his problems. His rugsweeping and CA is just too much of a negative trait for me.

I have never felt so distant from him.

Do you realize that everything you have mentioned about your BH is negative? Not a single positive thing to say about him. Nothing about how much you have hurt him, nothing about how much pain you are in because you love him. Nothing about wanting to work on yourself to become the wife you feel he deserves. Do you blame him for your A? Do you feel if he tried harder that you wouldn't have done what you did? Why do you think he should fight for you? Have you given him any reason or inclination that you are worth fighting for? Why do you want your M now? I'm confused as to why you want to stay when you say all of those negative things about your BH but then say wonderful things about your AP.

There was a genuine care and love between us

For me it was destiny, meant to be

I'm just deeply hurting still as I grapple with the fact that the relationship was totally one sided.

Truth is, I don't think my A was a mistake. I think it happened for a reason and I, on many levels, feel that he will always be special to me.

Ok, you get the drift going on and on about your withdrawal from your AP. Honestly, if you were in your husband's shoes would you want to fight for that? For someone who is clearly pining for another man. Someone that has not just demonstrated but stated that they have no respect for you?

His way if coping may not be healthy. But he is still processing what has happened to him. He is coming to the realization that everything he believed in his M is now a lie. He is trying to figure out who you are. Sure it would be nice if he were to fight for you, but you need to learn to fight for yourself. Maybe he wants you to fight for him.

Think about what you are asking of your BH. You have M problems, seek out attention from the AP, make it into this wonderful and romantic thing, pine after him. The second he dumps you, you expect your BH to fight for you and demonstrate how much he wants to save you and M. Where is your responsibility? Why should he fight? Because you don't want to be alone? Because you need to feel needed?

You think you have worked on your why's. You have only begun to scratch the surface.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 617 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am losing RESPECT for him for not confronting his problems. His rugsweeping and CA is just too much of a negative trait for me. I realise I have no right to judge him as I am the most weak and cowardly for running to another man, but why isn't he fighting for us? Why can't he just shout and scream at me and call me names and stick up for himself? What is WRONG with him.

There is a whole host of stuff in your posts that I could address. However, I'll only comment about the above quote.

One could ask, what is WRONG with you!? You've had a 2 1/2 year affair with some random dude and you're here spouting how you looooove the other guy and how awesome he is and how birds sing and unicorns dance when you talk to him. And your husband is just supposed to snap out of his shock and horror and help you salvage the marriage!? Really!?

Dday was less than 2 months ago and you want him to get with the program. Meanwhile he's sitting on the other side of the room saying, "Dear God, who did I marry!? How could I not see this? Why did she do this to me? What am I supposed to do? If I stay, am I settling? If I leave, am I cruel? Why, why, why wasn't I enough? Does she still want me? What happens if I take her back and she does this again? If the OM is "all that" then why is she wanting to work things out with me? Is it only because he went back to his wife? If so, I'm second choice. I don't know what to think about that. How did our lives become this? She's my wife. And she's a monster. How can I love her and hate her so much at the same time? What do I do!?"

I agree with WOES that you've talked nothing but negative about your husband in your posts and nothing but praise about the OM. If your husband is such a loser, then why are you staying and expecting him to help you fix this? You had the A. You need fix that first.

You said you're losing respect for your husband for not fighting for you. I promise you he's losing respect for himself for not kicking you out. That is a pretty tough fight.

So...tell me again how your husband isn't fighting. Tell me he isn't dealing with this. Just because he isn't doing it your way doesn't mean he isn't.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6076 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
EmotionalFool
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest forget about your marriage and your affair. Keep reading following statement unless enormity of your choices hit you. ( I kept reading a similar statement for 2 weeks until one day it hit me.)

" *I* CHEATED on my husband for 2.5 yrs and had an AFFAIR with a MARRIED man."

Yes.. YOU put yourself in this situation. Does this statement bother you? what part? why?


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last 3 responses since my last post are from other WW. I take what you all say very seriously and although it's hard to read I am absorbing each and every word.

I reached out to other WS on this site as withdrawal from AP was difficult. I was seeking support for this and it was great. I have managed to delete all communication and ways of access to AP because of the support from people on here. There has been movement.

I have not decided that I want my M because I got dumped by AP. I've always wanted my M but have always felt alone in it. I'm not excusing anything, I am just saying how I've felt.

Walkingoneggshells,
Thing is I don't want him to fight for me, I want him to fight for himself. If he doesn't want to talk how can he decide what he wants. I want him to know what kind of bad person I am so he can make an informed choice of what to do.

I don't feel worthy of him. I've never felt worthy of him. I understand I've hurt him but why doesnt he make me pay for this now. I'm full of guilt and remorse. I chose someone else over him and I know this was the most awful thing someone can do to another person.

Aubrie,
I don't love AP. The fog has lifted. Please don't berate me for that. I don't know your story but you mustve experienced the fog at some point.

Yes I know I'm selfish and entitled. After all, they are fertile traits for an affair. All those things you said he's thinking are all speculative because he doesn't talk to me. You see, I wish he did think those things because they are true but we will never know as no-one can read minds.

One thing that rings very very true and I'm suprised you've picked up on it in a few posts. Something I hate about myself and try not to let out but obviously still does:

"Just because he isn't doing it your way doesn't mean he isn't"

Emotionalfool;

I can't read that statement without crying and feeling sick.

The MARRIED bit stuck out to me initially as I remembered d-day and how I was so cocky with BW. Right now I feel like karma will get me for what I did to her. I am truly sorry.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last 3 responses since my last post are from other WW.

Actually every response on this thread is from a Wayward. You posted with a stop sign. Only Waywards are allowed to post on stop signs.

Yes I'm an FWW and yes I know what it feels like. That's the beauty of SI. The WS here that have been-there-done-that, can see thru the crap and get to the heart of it.

Glad you know that your selfish and entitled. Guaranteed those are part of your "why".

All those things you said he's thinking are all speculative because he doesn't talk to me.

Not really. Go read JFO and General. Those are BS zones. And they are saying everything and more of what was in my original post. 99% of BS will have those thoughts. You might not hear them, but he is thinking them.

One thing that rings very very true and I'm suprised you've picked up on it in a few posts. Something I hate about myself and try not to let out but obviously still does:

"Just because he isn't doing it your way doesn't mean he isn't"


Pot meet kettle. I was there too. There are reasons my husband is the way he is. There are reasons he didn't pour himself out to me post Dday and tell me how angry, hurt, and confused he was. I was hellbent that he wasn't dealing with his pain. That he was rugsweeping. That he was lying about his feelings to "protect" me. If we were going to heal, dang it, we were going to do it my way. NOOOOOOOTTTT!

There were things about my husband that I didn't understand and actually didn't even know till a couple SIers showed and explained those traits to me. Now? It totally makes sense and we communicate in a much healthier way because we understand each other.

It was a long time till my husband felt safe enough to share himself with me. Not only was he decimated by my affair, but we already struggled with communication. He wasn't going to get all Chatty Cathy just because I felt like he should.

So at the end of the day, the only person you can control is you. You can look at yourself and figure out why you did this. You can work on your choices. Make healthy choices. With or without your husband.

It might take alot of work alone on your part before he's even remotely convinced you're legit now. And even then, it may or may not be enough for him. In the meanwhile, you will be coming healthy and learning new and wonderful things that will benefit you the rest of your life.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6076 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
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