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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Affair or not.
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Question  Posted: 9:09 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In early 2012, my W told me she wanted a D. She gave me a laundry list of reasons why. Inconsistent. Not complete truth. Lots of gaps.

I find out not but 2 weeks or so later she is going to have dinner with "a friend", we'll call the OM--but she insisted she it was not a date. Heck she even brought the kids.

Of course, she met this person before she told me she wanted a D, but I have no evidence of an affair.

In spring 2012, I was served the D Complaint. Not much after that, she was officially dating him.

My three wonderful children were calling him Daddy ***. But still calling me Daddy also. I have done the best I could to date of letting my anger about this go...it's been very hard.

What makes this difficult is that I work overseas and do not have much visibility on these things. I used to communicate with my W and 3 children as much as possible before the D complaint. Now I communicate with my precious children as much as possible. W still calls me a lot though.

Fast forward to early 2013, the D is still not finalized, and W breaks off her relationship with OM. For a variety of reasons I can't go into, they still see each other, and I am always wondering if they are still really seeing each other.

But W doesn't want to get back together, and still hasn't finalized D. She told me that her lawyer even asked her "do you even want a D"? I asked her that myself. She said yes, unconvincingly.

But she said something the other day that made me rethink how things went down. I used to believe that she didn't start talking to him until after she told me about D. But I keep thing about an incident that happened in early 2012. We got an email from the phone company about exceeding text limits. I don't text being overseas, so it must have been her. And she had never come close to exceeding it before, so I thought that it might have been a virus on her phone. When I told her I was going to talk to the phone company about she got extremely mad at me and assailed me for checking up on her, which I was not doing. It was the phone company that iniated me even bothering at all!

Anyways, the pieces of the puzzle are slowly coming together now. She met this guy and was texting him. Alot, apparently. She tells me she wants a D. She starts dating him. But no finalized D.

Now in spring of 2013, still no finalization of D. I am waiting but I really don't want a D. I have helped her through this because she said she wanted it, but as we still talk, I don't think she really wants what being D'd really means for her.

She now has to think of how to take care of herself and the kids, because I will not know how long my generous employment contributions to her lifestyle will hold out.

I have three beautiful children that I have to take care of which is why I am over here in the first place.

I have made all the sacrifices in the world to do what I am doing for her and the children, and being cheated on and a D is what I get for that.

I know I am rambling here, but how many here believe W was having an A before she filed the D complaint?

And why is she dragging me along?


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Exclaimation  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a variety of reasons I can't go into, they still see each other, and I am always wondering if they are still really seeing each other
.

What I meant to say is that for a variety of reasons they still have contact, but there's always the question if they are seeing each other. She says they are not. Sometimes I believe, sometimes I don't.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

la433))) side hugs bro

First of all your WW was seeing the OM before she asked for the D.
Here is the way it likely went down.
She started seeing OM.
OM promises happily ever after
She falls for the fantasy and thinks she's in lurrrrve.
She asks for D
She introduces your kids to OM ( )
OM gets hit with reality of things and backs off
WW now is starting to see the fantasy evaporate. She is about to throw away her BH for a loser who is likely trying to string her along to continue to have no strings attached sex.

She is still in the fog. She has undoubtedly rewritten the marital history to vilify you in her mind to justify the A. Only problem is reality is the exact opposite. Once D is final she will find out just how "reliable" the OM really is. My guess, based on what you've written, is that OM will continue to eff with her head and feelings to keep her on the hook as long as he doesn't actually have to take responsibility.

Bad news is that she still can't/won't accept responsibility for what she has done. Pride and unwillingness to face her guilt and shame are big factors in this.

Worse news is that she has no remorse. Her hesitation is based on how this will affect her.

My advice is confer with your L and cut the financial enabling as much as you can. You should not be providing for her comfort. Your kids...absolutely. But you have the right to ensure whatever you provide for your kids goes to their benefit and not subsidizing your WW's new single lifestyle.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3727 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The signs seem to point to the affair pre-dating the divorce complaint, but I have to say since I'm not in your shoes, I couldn't say it with certainty.

I can understand looking for that as a reason why she would all of a sudden want a divorce. It's crazy-making to think the whole divorce was "out-of-the-blue".

She is undoubtedly dragging this along so that you are still available as a back-up plan. She is starting to realize what single parent life will really be like (loss of income, loss of plan B), and it's not all rainbows and lollipops. OM is not even out of the picture! She wants to make sure that if he dumps her, she still has you, her plan B.

Sorry you find yourself here!


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, OM has children and is going thru a D on his own. The OM's W says that his A with my WW is the cause of their D.

You know I REALLY hate drama. I REALLY do.

You guys are probably right about the A prior to.

I have told myself I will not be a plan B. Ef that.

I've told her time and again that a day will be coming soon that I will be coming home for good, and that she needs to prepare for that.

BTW, we had been together for 9 years prior to D complaint.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
Holly-Isis
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Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but she insisted she it was not a date. Heck she even brought the kids

My mom also brought us on dates with her OM. They'd go bowling and we'd playing at the Allen's child are center. Eventually she began bringing us to his place to spend the night.

She M him the day the D went through. We called him Dad Jim. Oddly enough, he was a BH in his first M.

I don't think it's the kids that ended the A. I think it was the OM's BW finding out. From what I've seen, the OM rarely want to lose the life they have built.

If you can, come home. Unless you and your family are destitute, whatever it is you're working for is not as important to the kids as having their daddy right there. Especially if mommy is in full on selfish mode.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11131 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can, come home. Unless you and your family are destitute, whatever it is you're working for is not as important to the kids as having their daddy right there. Especially if mommy is in full on selfish mode.

I wish I could, but cannot yet.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's the kids that ended the A. I think it was the OM's BW finding out. From what I've seen, the OM rarely want to lose the life they have built.

No, he has kids of his own, and from what I could tell, that is not what stopped them. Supposedly the OM's marriage was already on the rocks. The OM's W wanted him to confess to the A on their D papers, and he wouldn't. It's all very tangled on their end. I guess my WW just got tired of the OM's W calling her names, etc, so supposedly my WW is the one who ended it.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you talked to the OM's BW? Since she knows they're having an affair,chances are she's found some proof..texts,emails,pics.

If you haven't spoken with her,call her.

Oh...and the OM's marriage was "already on the rocks" is something Im assuming you've heard from your WW. First regardless of the state of his marriage,it wasn't her business...but Im sure dating your WW didn't help his marriage. Im betting the rocky marriage was news to his BW when she discovered the affair.

You say your WW got tired of his wife calling her names,so she ended it...again..if you're only getting your info from your WW..please contact his wife.

Usually a woman doesn't get called names unless she is messing around where she doesn't belong.


ETA: gently,she is dragging you along because you are allowing it. I think she's most likely putting the divorce of because she is enjoying your money,yet wants to play like she's single.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:56 AM, March 29th (Friday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7314 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if your WW had an affair before asking for D, but I can tell you how things went down for us.

One year into an EA, H told me he wasn't happy in our marriage. He finally admitted that he'd been thinking of asking for a D, but was too chicken. My sense is that he wanted to ask for the D so the EA could become a PA and he wouldn't feel guilty about it. I wonder if perhaps that's what was going on with your WW.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I am rambling here, but how many here believe W was having an A before she filed the D complaint?

Stay strong brother. I'm sorry your going through this hell.
Part of my story is exactly what your going through. My WW was seeing someone else without my knowledge. She slept with him. Possibly formulated an exit strategy. Was living in the land of golden unicorns receiving all of his positive mirroring on how wonderful she was. The light of his life etc.
one night were on the couch and she says " we have to talk" as calm as day and brings up mediation. She has a mediation friend, it's cheaper than divorce, and we should proceed as civil as possible. She was willing to give up the house and our children. Then we slept with each other.
A WS who is in the fog is an unscrupulous, vindictive, and deceiving master tactition. They see nothing but the affair and lord help the unsuspecting BS. They have no feelings or remorse. They aren't the person you once knew.
I'd say its a safe bet she was sleeping and planning. With the OM. She probably painted you as the source of all her problems since the day you met her.
Don't believe her story about the OM's betrayed spouse. She may be protecting him.
When I confronted the OM, which I don't advise everyone to do, he fled. He had been preying on her vulnerabilities to string her along for sex. Usually OM's or other OF's are cowards looking to take advantage of a marital weakness. Still doesn't excuse a WS though.
Hang in there.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:22 AM, March 29th (Friday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admit I still receive most of the information from WW. Not all though. I have received some information from a mutual friend.

I do not want to call the OM's W to get all the dirty details. Ever since A, all I have wanted to do is take the higher ground, and hope that Karma comes soon.

I am not going to allow my kids see me being walked all over, but I'm not going to create a hostile environment either.

The reality is the stuff will hit the fan when I go back, because then WW will have to deal with it~especially when it comes to conversations with the kids why Daddy isn't staying at the house. We've already told them, but it hasn't really phased them---yet.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
wanttofeelwhole
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Member # 31830
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you are going through this mess. In my opinion, I would think it started prior to hervaskingbfir a D. I believe there are several reasons she may be dragging her feet as well, many listed above. Not to say anything about her behavior is okay. It may be that she realized what she would be losing, but doesn't feel like she wants to, or can, come clean. It's tough to face your demons and she may be too childish or selfish to do do. She may not want to lose you and your M, but feels if she is truthful she will lose regardless. I agree that you should contact your attorney, you can finalize the D. Even if its not what you want, it may be what you need. Good luck.


Sorry I don't edit the typos
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to.-Unknown
For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.-Bo Bennett
Memory is a complicated thing, a rel

Posts: 786 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Sliding down the backside of the rainbow
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She may not want to lose you and your M, but feels if she is truthful she will lose regardless.

It may be that she already has. I'm not sure. Some say just walk away. Easier said than done. I want to make it as pleasant as possible for the kids. I want to show them how to act like an adult. So many react and do things that their kids see and emulate that should not be seen or emulated.

Also, I think even if she comes clean, it wouldn't change how I feel. I consider her involvement with the OM, even after the D complaint, an affair because the D wasn't finalized, regardless of how society feels.

I also want to take this negative in my life and turn it into a positive. But that is proving difficult. She used to be my best friend. It's like losing two people.

Any ideas out there on how to take a negative like this and turn it into a positive? All the material I've read has helped zero.

[This message edited by la433 at 11:44 AM, March 29th (Friday)]


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to make it as pleasant as possible for the kids. I want to show them how to act like an adult. So many react and do things that their kids see and emulate that should not be seen or emulated.

A million hugs and a gigantic round of applause to you, la433. It's a huge testament to your character that you are putting your kids first. It may seem like second nature to you, but it destroys me to see how much kids are often treated like burdens through this process rather than precious hearts that need to be held in the utmost care.

I admire your take on this. We're here to help you find the healthiest way out of this situation.

I just can't say it enough. SO proud of you for putting your kids first. Thank you.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:06 PM, March 29th (Friday)]


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17058 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
la433
♂ Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What hurts worse than anything is that my W and I rarely fought. And when we did, we did our best to keep it to ourselves. But for my kids, I know that when it really hits them that I will not be staying with them, they will be extremely hurt. She just has no clue what she's doing to them.

While I admit I've made mistakes in the past, I've never cheated on her, hit her, cursed at her, or yelled at her. Our marriage was not perfect, but what marriage is?

Here lately there are many things that have come back to haught my memory. Like with one of the few times we were fighting about something, I asked her if there was anything about me she was proud of. No answer.

Looking back, I suppose, it should have been a clue. But you know how they cover that message with other messages....

My biggest fear was being a failure at marriage, and now that my marriage has failed, I look to the future and think what else will fail?

It's been over 13 months she told me she wanted a D, and I'm no better off emotionally than I was then. I've even been to the chaplains here and that has proven to be of limited value.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You didn't fail
She failed. You are an outstanding father. Loving husband. You treated her right. Now you get treated like the trash.
I would think that the reason she hasn't followed through is this.
"Tarzan doesn't let go of one vine until he grabs hold of another"
The OM represents that vine. I'm assuming he has a job and income. That he can provide.
You have to sabotage that vine and contact the OM's wife.
How can you trust what your WW says? She's protecting the OM long enough for his plan to go into effect if it ever does even though that rarely ever happens.
YourWW is probably just an escape he's stringing along. His marriage may be fine. His wife may not even know. Stay Strong.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((la433)))

Any ideas out there on how to take a negative like this and turn it into a positive?

I think the best you can hope for is to take it as a learning experience.

What have you learned to do differently in your next relationship? What are your expectations in your next relationship? What are your boundaries going to be? What do you now know you will not tolerate?

Why don't you sit down and write a list of everything you have learned from this experience and keep that list for the future.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 836 | Registered: Jun 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess my WW just got tired of the OM's W calling her names, etc, so supposedly my WW is the one who ended it.

Only in infidelity-land does this statement make any kind of *sense*. Your wife broke up with her boyfriend because she got tired of *his* wife bitching at her. Good Lord.

And this isn't really *on* topic, but I want to address it because, IMO, it is just flat-out WRONG. Your children should NOT be calling some other man *daddy*. Period. You are a loving father that is not a part of their daily lives because you are working to provide for them. Throwing a humongous temper tantrum because your children are calling another man *dad* would be a hill that I would be willing to die on all day long.

Now as to your question....your wife was ass-deep in her Wayward mindset when she asked you for a D. Most likely involved in an EA, at the least.

Any ideas out there on how to take a negative like this and turn it into a positive?

No, not really. It's not really a *silver lining* type of situation. It might be more helpful to view it as a *death* and consider how to deal with it from that aspect. Try reading about the stages of grief because the end of a marriage is very similar to dealing with the death of a loved one. Looking at it that way helped me a shit-ton more than any of the *trite*-type relationship books that I read.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7940 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading all of what you posted. Here is my take on all of this. Yes your WW and OM started this A prior to her filing for D. True to form it is taking the usual A course. AP meets AP, they feed eachother bullshit stories about how bad their spouses/marriages are. Talk turn to flirtation and flirtation turns into a sexual A. They build up this fantasy life with eachother and how great everything will be in affair land. They are soulmates, destined to be together, cant believe that they share so much in common etc. They feel this way because they lie to eachother and basically feed the A fires with their nonsense. Thus they are in the A fog. Nothing can go wrong in their fantasy because reality does not exist there. There are no daily chores, no annoying kids, no financial worries etc. Its all lovey dovey NSA sex. They start to talk about a life together without considering the consequesnces or collateral damage that is sure to follow.

Typically the OM does not intend on really following through with what he tells the WW. He is getting laid without putting anything into the relationship. So he will string her along. Your WW naturally falls for this shit hook, line and sinker. Ergo her request for D. Most people who cheat leave a paper trail a mile long and get busted sooner or later. The ammount of texts should have been your first clue. I assume OM BS caught on and filed for D herself. True to form OM now has real life consequences staring him in the face and is backing off. But being the WS they are they figure they cant take it underground for awhile till the dust settles a bit. I'd bet my left nut OM is still telling your WW that they will be together. But because his W found out they must wait. Naturally he is encouraging your WW to still D you because thats part of the script. He wants to limit his liability and still get sex from your WW.

As you have not spoken to his BS directly you cant believe what your WW is saying. Cheaters lie that just fact. Wether she is being lied to from the OM or she is lying herself does not matter. In affairs you need to understand that the female usually has more of an emotional investment and the male is more sexually orientated. If this plays out like most of them do the OM most likely will crawl back home begging and pleading his BS not to D him. He will try and hold on to your WW as long as possible. But sooner or later he will bail when the heat gets too hot for him. He really does not care about what happens to your WW or family. He just wants his fantasy sex. As you work abroad you are the perfect dupe for this scenario. Your physically not there, your paying all the bills. So basically your foooting the bill for this guy to screw your W. Most likely in your home and in your marital bed. Your WW loves this too. She still lives her normal lifestyle on your dime and gets all he attention she so craves from OM.

So whats you next move ? Personally I'd hire an attorney and protect myself legally. Make sure your children are cared for and protected. Get a temp. order of support and stick to it. No extras, no feeling bad for her. Close or seperate all financial accounts. No more CC's, available cash etc. You must make her see that her decisions have consequences. You must insert reality into her fantasy filled brain. Nothing blows up an A like the truth and reality. Get in touch with the OM BS. She is your ally in all of this. Attack them from 2 fronts and consolidate your forces. You cant nice her into stopping this A. You cant try and reason her into seeing what she is doing. She is no longer the woman you M. That person is long gone. You must hit her hard and fast with what lies ahead for her. You also must try and take care of yourself. Seek out help in any form you can get it. Dont allow them to destroy you. Trust me this happens a lot. Please remember that you did nothing to percipatate this. This one is all on her. She will try and blame you. So dont fall for that shit either. Please keep posting and read the healing library. Read up on the 180. D and infidelity are war. And must be treated as such. Take no prisoners and show no quarter. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. This will get worse before it starts to get better. Good luck Bro.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

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