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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Acting too normal
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH and I are on a 5 day vacation with each other that was planned pre-A. Last night when we were out I was being silly and joking around. He asked how I was able to act so normal. I understand how he's feeling because he's been hit with all of thi in the last 2 months, while I've had 3 1/2 years to "process". Is it wrong that I'm trying to enjoy myself? Is that insensitive to him? What do you think I should be doing differently. I don't want to hurt him more then I have or be insensitive to his needs. He did say that he's having fun on our trip, though.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not wrong for trying to enjoy yourself. The "How can smile/laugh/act normal?" is a question that plagues many BS.

I suggest reminding him that you are not trying to rugsweep the A from your mind. You haven't forgotten. What you're trying to do is appreciate your time with him, with the family the way you should. You're trying to be present and not make positive moments negative because you don't want his life and your life to be defined at all times by the A. You're not dismissing the A from your mind. You're making the good quality times with him a priority in your mind because you know you should cherish them. It is ok to do so. Acceptance does not equate to condoning for either of you.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3643 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
27yearsnowlost
♀ Member
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be a bw...I was wondering the something when my h and I were on our cruise that we that every year. Anyway I found out that he had oral sex the week before our trip then was going back 3 week later for more but i found out and told me. I look at the pictures from the trip and sit and wonder what he was thinking. He didn't have a care in the world. He was his normal self.


Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
leccden
♂ Member
Member # 16126
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a great question.

I remember when we were in our early stages of R it would kill me when my FWW would laugh, smile or show any signs of normal especially when I was so sad and angry. When I look back now I can see that by her acting like that it was actually a good thing. I look back and realize that by her laughing and having a good time with me was a plus.

So to answer your question it is a good thing that you are having fun

Just me mindful of his mood. If he seems down a tender touch or a kiss might help. Also ask him in a sweet way is there is anything I can do to help.

Good luck in your journey


BS me-47
WS her-47(Authenticnow)


Posts: 420 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New york
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to all the BS's that replied. We are actually having a good time, but I know my actions are constantly on his mind. We are talking about the affair, but also talking about each other and getting to know each other again. I know this is going to be a long process, but I'm willing to do the work!


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..to see one's WS singing and dancing around the house, while the BS is suffering in the depths of dispair is a tough thing to watch.. and on the surface, it seems quite obvious why the BS would be taken aback and think.." is my WS so oblivious to my sad state of mind???"

..but in reality, i believe it is their desperate attempt to normalize and push away all the negative feelings. It may be an attempt to push down their feelings of guilt/shame and "put on a happy face" trying to draw out the BS into a better frame of mind.

I agree that it would be appropriate for the WS to acknowledge the BS's feelings of sadness in that moment, 'I'm so sorry, but can we try to be happy together?" It seems totally understandable that the WS would initiate an outward attempt to not dwell in the sadness..but instead, try to promote some brighter outlook to the future.

It does present a very mixed bag of emotions for both people. I think the key is to realize that the BS is not always able to jump right in with the laughter and merriment. Often, the BS sees nothing to be merry about! ..and may see their WS's jovial behaviour as insensitive and uncaring .. like they are over it and are unaffected by the devastation the BS is experiencing..

The WS may be feeling like crap inside but may not want to add to the depressed state by the outward behaviour of doom and gloom.

The strategy is to put on a happy face and hope the BS will follow suit.

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 11:58 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4098 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here.
I think that your trying to make thing like they used to be, pre d-day.
Your BS knows that it will never be the same.
You can start over and build from thee.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that there is anything wrong with taking a mini vacation and enjoy yourself on the road to recovery. You have to be able to create some happy moments along the way. You have to be able to take mental breaks. You have to find away to recharge your batteries. You need to be able to support your healing and your BH healing. You can't do that if you spend ever moment focused on the bad. Life doesn't stop.

That being said. It's hard at 2 months out for the BS to focus on anything but the A. I had to fake it a lot to force myself to create happy memories when I was dying on the inside. I'm glad I did.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4499 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Topic Posts: 8

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