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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How should I tell him?
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I went outside the guy was out there with his mates, he said 'so that's your husband', i said 'yes' then before I could speak again my BHs best mate told him to get lost.

Well I hope your next words after saying yes to his question were going to be..Please Leave.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I went outside the guy was out there with his mates, he said 'so that's your husband', i said 'yes'

Why were you outside alone when you knew the OM was there and why did you talk to him? (Even if it was "only" to say "yes") You broke NC.

I was close by cheering him on.

Not the whole time you weren't because you went outside and broke NC.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, my next words were going to be to never talk to me again of course. I couldn't not answer. That guy didn't have a clue what was going on. It didn't matter that it was 'him' I don't care about him whatsoever and never have.

I went outside to smoke with my husband's best mate and my friend. I didn't know I'd see him out there. I have zero desire to see him again. My H was engrossed talking to clients so I said I was going for a smoke, I wasn't going out alone.

I know it was playing with fire a little tonight but, it's not going to happen often and I'm not going to lie, I'm pleased with how it's turned out this evening.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 7:11 PM, April 1st (Monday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you and your husband are happy with the turn out, that's swell.

However, 2 quotes of your concern me and I think you should look into them more.

I couldn't not answer.

Why not? If he means nothing to you and you don't care, then why answer him?
I know it was playing with fire a little tonight but, it's not going to happen often

Even if it doesn't happen "often", it only takes once to get burnt by fire.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean Aubrie, but I didn't feel it would be acceptable, socially, to literally say nothing. I thought that would probably cause a scene, my husband's mate would probably wonder why I was ignoring him instead of affirming my husband. I hope that makes sense.

Yes, that's true I couldn't see an alternative though. My H wanted to go and he wanted me to be there. It probably didn't help that it was a successful evening for him.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean Aubrie, but I didn't feel it would be acceptable, socially, to literally say nothing

It was not socially acceptable to cheat on your husband with this guy. You should have simply ignored him..literally, whether he knew what was happening or not.

His question of "so that is your husband?" is a metaphor for.."and you slept with me?"

Should have been ignored..but that's just my opinion.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FRM proves my point Sienna.

If the OM means nothing to you, why does it matter if it's acceptable not to answer him? (socially or otherwise)

Why are you concerned about social stigma in the wake of an affair?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it wasn't socially acceptable to cheat on my husband.

OK You 're both right, I shouldn't have spoken.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to tell you, Sienna, I find this whole thing quite disturbing.

You are concerned about social niceties, yet you fucked a guy in your BH's work circle and don't know his name?

You went to the party to support your BH? Really? It sounds like a show, to me. Cheering. Running into OM. Putting up a nice front for his friend.

Aren't you ashamed of your behavior? If so, was this youe way of trying to face it?

Can you imagine what this OM said after you walked away? 99 times out of 100 I bet he turns to his buddy and says "Yeah, I tapped that."

Was this just too tempting as potential drama between BH and OM?

Do you have any idea how hard it must be for your BH to be at the party with a OM? Even if he is rugsweeping. Think about it. Reverse roles. Your BH has a ONS and then goes to a party where OW is. Would you feel good knowing he talked to her again?

I don't think this is anything to feel pleased about. Sorry, I just don't see remorse here. Just tunnel vision.

Have you told your BH you broke NC?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sienna, we don't want to be right. But think about it. You said:
I know it was playing with fire a little tonight but, it's not going to happen often

Ok, so this "work thing" is going to happen again. While not often, there is a possibility its going to happen again. What happens when you go outside and smoke and you see OM again?

What happens if you're in the store and OM walks past you?

What happens if someone is with you when this happens? Are you going to be worried about being "rude"? Is your fear of them looking at you strangely going to push you to talk to him again? What happens if you are alone and you see OM? Are you going to talk to him? Because ya know, if you're alone, nobody will know if you do or not.

Are you scared of what people think of you?

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 8:12 PM, April 1st (Monday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes my husband knows exactly what happened. It was at the gallery so he was showcasing his new exhibition, I felt very proud of him and I want people to put their hands in their pockets and buy/exhibit his hard work.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying to get it right and obviously fucking up at every turn. I don't know what i'm doing.

Before this I would have said I'd speak to say to get lost. Now I'm not going to because I must be wrong. I won't speak to him again if I see him.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 8:17 PM, April 1st (Monday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC is very important after having an affair or ONS on your spouse. Like Aubrie said..we are not trying to be right...just trying to show how important NC is for this to recover.
Mrs Panda gave you some hard truths to think about.
I agree that guy probably told his friend he "sealed the deal" with you.
And since your husband's best mate had to tell him to get lost..he probably thinks he can seal that deal again.
No contact and boundaries are very important.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you're not trying to be right but you must be.

I don't know what I'm doing. All my decisions and opinions are wrong, they just are.

I'm not scared of what people think, I know what they think and I've proven them right.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sienna - you're doing fine. You are evaluating and learning. I was like you initially. I had my polite responses all thought out in case I ran into the OM. And then I realized... there are lots of people I'm rude to. Lots of people that I have no problem ignoring because I don't like them. Lots of people I am not friends nor friendly with. Why do I need to be polite to the OM?

The correct behavior in your circumstance outside while smoking is the Emily Post "cut direct" or regency cuts, posted below for reference.


Cut - To renounce acquaintance. There are four sorts of cut.

(1) The cut direct is to stare an acquaintance in the face and pretend not to know him.

(2) The cut indirect, to look another way, and pretend not to see him.

(3) The cut sublime, to admire the top of some tall edifice or the clouds of heaven till the person cut has passed by.

(4) The cut infernal, to stoop and adjust your boots till the party has gone past.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6092 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not doing fine at all, I wish I was.

I won't speak again I'll ignore, I just can't see how that's the best thing to do. If it was the other way round I think I would want my H to say something.

I don't particularly want everyone talking about me and my husband. I thought by just being like 'it was a mistake, it won't happen again. Do one' was more the route to go. I have zero attachment to the guy and he didn't know I was married. It's got nothing to do with him.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'll be wrong and I want to sort this so I will just ignore if it happens again.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it was the other way round I think I would want my H to say something.

You really would want your husband to be cordial with the woman he cheated on you with? To respond to her every time she was in contact?

If he did..things could progress from just hello to hello Hilton Hotel. The line has already been crossed.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'd want him to say, that's my wife, what we did was wrong, bye forever.

Also, it would never progress to anything. He could have been anyone that night. I was interested in one thing, I don't know why but I was. I know the line has been crossed but It happened once and it won't again.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the line has been crossed but It happened once and it won't again.

How do you know? Do you know what it was inside of you that allowed you to sleep with the guy to begin with? Have you fixed that?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know because I want to be with my family and I don't want anyone else. I have never felt so sorry for anything before in my life I hate what I've done.

I don't know how to fix it, I don't know what I'm doing. I think I was just so sick of all these assumptions about me and it just made me crazy. Now I've proven them all right. I remember thinking 'right well if the cap fits i'll wear it' it's so stupid. I don't know though. My husband thinks we should go to counselling.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I was just so sick of all these assumptions about me and it just made me crazy. Now I've proven them all right

Assumptions from who? Us? Or other people?

My husband thinks we should go to counselling

Actually, I think you would benefit from counseling. Save the marriage counseling for later. You need to get a grip. I don't think you really realize the full impact of your actions and just how serious this is.

You didn't trip and fall on this guy's male anatomy. You deliberately made the choice to sleep with him. You say over and over, "I don't know why I did it". Sweetie, you need to take a good hard look in the mirror and figure out why. Why did you "snap" and have a ONS?

It's never a "mistake" or an "oopsie". Ever. Those things inside you, the poor boundaries, the poor coping, the bad choices, those are still inside of you. Right now they are repressed and shaking in their shoes because you actually "acted out" and cheated. But I promise you, in time, they will come back out of hiding. Life will resume, you'll go about your business, and you may very well do this again.

"Oh, I would neverrrrr do that again." Ok, maybe you don't have a ONS again. But what about your faulty thinking? What about the processes that let you make this choice to begin with? What are you going to do about those?

Sienna, I was one of those girls who had an EA then swore it would neverrrr happen again. Well, it did. Three more times. Each time getting progressively worse. Last time, I was starting the phases of hotels, logistics, and excuses so that I could physically consummate things with the OM.

I was white knuckling my way thru fidelity. And guess what, it wasn't working. Until I got serious, looked in the mirror and admitted, "Hi I'm Aubrie, and I'm a wayward. There is something wrong with me. And I need to fix it." history would surely repeat itself over, and over, and over.

I have one question. Are you happy with who you are? Are you happy with the you that decided a ONS was cool?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
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