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User Topic: How should I tell him?
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, not assumptions from people on here. I've asked for your opinions and views, just because I don't agree I don't feel angry, I'm grateful.

It's me, I don't know what it is though but no I'm not happy. I'm not happy with how random people assume things. Some guys from a studio we work with did a poll last summer, the most disgusting poll and I was top. It was who they masturbate over, seriously though as if I would be flattered and to be honest my husband was laughing about it then in an argument will mention it and say that's what I'm for.

I get called a 'man's girl' even though my friends are all girls and I rarely talk to guys. My friends laugh and when my my best mate's boyfriend overheard a bloke saying 'sienna's easily the hottest but can you imagine taking her home' my mate was like 'welcome to the world of sexy sienna' and laughed. I was 18 when I got with my H and had only been with him right up until January. It does piss me off, completely and when my husband joins in just because he's angry and he knows it hurts it seems to fuck me up a little bit more each time. I can't change my face, i'm not stunningly beautiful I just have a 'dirty look' as my friends say.

At school when we were about 15 a friend took the morning after pill. Result was no more hanging out with me, it was obviously my influence. I hadn't even had my first kiss at the time.

I'm sorry for ranting. I just feel at a loss. I see your point, if I don't fix what's wrong I know I can't be sure. I feel a bit scared for counselling alone, i might not know what to say or I might freeze. The counsellor might think I'm crazy with the rate I change my mind or 'don't know'.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I also ask, why doesn't it seem like I understand the severity of my actions? I'm asking seriously because I feel like I do.

There was definitely nothing emotional in my ONSs. They were with different people and I didn't speak much at all. I didn't care about any of them. I was drunk and it was just sleazy and fast. I know it wasn't an accident, I know I made the choice, drunk or not. I think the drink just gave me the...courage, for want of a better word.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rant away. You're safe here.

Couple things.

Some guys from a studio we work with did a poll last summer, the most disgusting poll and I was top. It was who they masturbate over

And nobody saw this as inappropriate!?

I suggest you find new friends and new boundaries.

my husband was laughing about it then in an argument will mention it and say that's what I'm for.

How do you feel about that?

Do you think you had the ONSs as a passive-agressive "I'll hurt you back" kind of way to your husband? If he's going to talk crap about you, you may as well make it worth his while right?

I feel a bit scared for counselling alone, i might not know what to say or I might freeze. The counsellor might think I'm crazy with the rate I change my mind or 'don't know'.

Nah. The good ones are trained to wade thru all that crap and get to the heart of the issue. They have ways of leading/guiding you thru this mess.

You stated that you drank to find courage to have the ONS. What were you scared of?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6253 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friends were obviously saying it's disgusting but it was like, Well they were laughing and I was just mortified. I told my Mum about that and she looked shocked then laughed "well they're all real Prince Charmings".

I think my husband secretly likes it. He's come out with some inappropriate comments over the years 'for a laugh'. He just says "well you have to laugh don't you babe" - no actually.

Any time we argue, before all of this he always turned it into me being slutty. What's hurtful is that he didn't really think I was, he was just saying it because he knows it upsets me. He's even been known to bring the kids into it. For example we were quietly arguing over a cupboard door, he 'fixed' it- no he had closed it and put masking tape on so it didn't fall off... Anyway, my 3 year old came in for a drink, I gave it to him then my H picked him up and wiped his mouth with a cloth and said jokingly 'you don't know where that's been Son'. I didn't say anything and my son smiled and said 'no' in a 'don't be silly' sort of way, he even wanted another kiss because he didn't like the thought of wiping it away. My H said our son will have thought of mud and dirt and yes, of course he would but that's not the point. He then said something like 'but we know where it's been don't we, so does London'. What's the point it taking a normal argument 'there'.

In the week before I went crazy, our friend was saying how she's only been on a few dates so no the new bf hasn't stayed over and my husband said 'not like our Sienna, she dropped her drawers quickly enough, didn't you my Love'. Our friend had to fake an awkward laugh.

I did think, after the first time that well since everyone things I'm a whore I may as well act like one. Who gives a fuck. I just wouldn't have done it sober, I'm not forward enough. I behaved like, well just not me I behaved how I think people see me. Then I did it again, and again and then my husband sat there, lego all over the floor- usually i'd be angry but I just felt like what the f are you doing sienna.

I think i'll look into counselling but, i'll be so embarrassed. Someone looking at me while I say it will be awful. Worth it though if it helps i know.

It's the inlaws tonight, this will be good. My H has told his Mum not to go crazy but, good luck with that. The kids will be with us so at least she won't shout.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, I do think that counseling for just you would be really good.

Now to get to what you just posted. What your H has done in this M has not been right. Did that mean that you should have done what you did? No. Because in the end, you hurt yourself. You sacrificed yourself due to I believe a whole lot of anger at what was being said. I see a whole lot of passive aggressive behavior in what you did.

That will be for a counselor to help you determine, but you did not have to live up to what they were all saying, and you can pick yourself back up from this and learn how to have self respect regardless of what anybody says.

That starts with boundaries. Part of having boundaries is knowing what is appropriate. Start looking at your behavior, how you act, what you say. Slow your thoughts down and I think that as you begin to examine you, you can start to see what others may be seeing. Change begins internally. You can do this, and you will be someone that you can be proud of.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4955 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, sienna. God, my heart is breaking for you and your little ones.

Listen. Two seperate things here. Your husbands behavior and actions. Your choices.

You absolutely have to have your back. Sometimes the people we need to protect ourselves from are the ones closet to us.

I posted to you that I wondered if your response wasn't from rage. Here's the thing about that though. When we take up where others leave off it leads to disaster. No one can abuse, denigrate us without our buy in.

The same fucked thought processes that accept that shit enable us to make toxic, destructive, soul killing choices. We have other options.

For better or worse is NOT about mistreatment and cruelty from your partner. It's what you as a team handle that life and others "kindly" dump on your doorstep. It's the promise you make to each other that come what may I've got your six and not just with a fucking red dot right before the lethal blow.

Infidelity is the antithesis of our vows. So is the shit you're talking about from your husband. This is a little shop of horrors, not a marriage. Don't let your children grow up in this environment.

Get thee to IC (a good one) tout sweet and start digging. You can be the change needed here and sometimes that may mean hard decisions later but you HAVE to start now.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing all that Sienna. I see more where you are coming from now.

Self-respect. The road back is paved with You finding a way to respect You.

You buy into your friends comments and even your husband's. You must not. You are the only one who can save you.

Who do you want to be? Becone that. You think you "look dirty?" What does that mean? Is it clothes? Attitude? You can change these things. You can rise above.

I think you need to avoid any friends that try to pigeonhole you. Likewise, if your BH is party to calling you names with your friends...either that has to change...or if you truly change for the better you may outgrow him.

Start with honesty. Be honest with us. We're anonymous. Hell, those of us on Wayward have done some pretty bad shit. But we survived. We are better. Be honest with yourselff. If your motivations are not so pure...so be it. No need to create a front.

Stick around Sienna. I think you have it in you to triumph.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1986 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I've been looking into counselling today but to be honest it's all well and good on here but, face to face will be so hard! My H isn't too keen on me going but I think he's just concerned. I actually had counselling when I was a child and it was horrendous, which he knows about. Very quiet shy types bordering on silent definitely come across as strange to professionals but, I'm an adult now and I really am committed to getting it right.

I also feel so guilty for saying about my husband. He is a great Dad and a beautiful man. He just worries I think and now I've put fuel on the fire.

I'm no victim, I don't open my mouth and tell people I don't like it. During arguments I keep my mouth shut so I think he just says what he can to try and provoke a reaction. He often just shouts 'say something' so I'm clearing pissing him off. He likes to talk things through like most normal people.

Anyway, I'll just have to toughen up and be there for him so I can get my family back on track. It's all crazy at the moment but, what did I expect.

I really appreciate all opinions and I the anonymity on here definitely helps me. If my husband looks on here God help me!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my husband looks on here God help me!

This concerns me.

My H isn't too keen on me going but I think he's just concerned

Why in the world would your husband not want you to go to counseling!? Think about it Sienna. IC is to help people. Why wouldn't he want you to get help? Why wouldn't he want you to talk to an IC and learn to face your fears? Why wouldn't he want you to go to IC to become a healthy person?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6253 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm no victim, I don't open my mouth and tell people I don't like it. During arguments I keep my mouth shut so I think he just says what he can to try and provoke a reaction. He often just shouts 'say something' so I'm clearing pissing him off.

You apparently have a problem with sharing how you feel or speaking up for yourself, and with confrontation. These are the kinds of issues that get worked on with a good counselor.

Why do YOU feel that your H doesn't want you to go to counseling? Has he said so?

Why also do you feel the need to defend him when you have told us what kinds of things have gone on? This is where we are more concerned about you getting healthy. You don't need to defend him. Work on you.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4955 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can be a little insecure, or very insecure more recently. He asked what I'd say if the counsellor said to to leave him. I told him they wouldn't say that and he nodded.

He wouldn't like reading this stuff because he will wonder why I don't talk to him. Talking about my feelings face to face is difficult for me, very difficult. i feel anxious right now just thinking about it. It's difficult to explain, it's not that it's 'him'. I have told him lot's of stuff but I don't feel like I can criticise him at all, ever. I'm not sure I can criticise anyone. I'm not good with words, I can say what's happened but my feelings are a blur.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the need to defend him because I love him and he isn't all bad. He says things to try to get a reaction, he would probably be OK if I didn't just stand there.

His Mum was saying things last night and my husband was defending me. He ended up arguing with her even though I know I deserve it. He's her son, she's protecting him or trying to.

He's not just the idiot who says and does nasty things, he's a good person too.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sienna,

We are not attacking him here. What we ARE saying is that some of the things that have happened are not right and I think that you know that.

I think that going to counseling will be good for you. Learning how to sort through the feelings you have and how to express them is a tool that you need to have.

I see that you have real trouble validating your own feelings, you start to feel something and then you want to backtrack on it. Do you feel that you don't have the right to feel anger towards some of the things that have gone on in your marriage?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4955 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know no one's attacking him, I just felt like I did a little.

I don't feel like I should feel angry because I haven't done anything to stop it. Often he wants me to open up and talk to him and I don't, that really frustrates him. I don't know what I feel, I think they're hard to distinguish between. I've had some stressful times growing up and I know I'm no special case but I probably haven't dealt with it properly.

I don't like anger, I know that's an emotion I avoid at all costs. When I'm being screamed at I just zone out because I don't want to shout. This leads to him going crazy then because I'm so quiet strangers and neighbours end up getting the wrong idea about him.

I'm 99% sure we wouldn't have half the problems we have if I wasn't so annoying, for want of a better word.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 12:13 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sienna, TG is onto something and I think it would be something for you to look at. Really.

Your last post is full of "I shouldn't", "avoid", "I'm not special".

Why shouldn't you be allowed to have feelings? Why do you avoid feelings? Why are you not special?

I've had some stressful times growing up and I know I'm no special case but I probably haven't dealt with it properly.

Welcome to the club. Our past, our childhood helped form us into what we are today. There are many, many people here on SI that were abused, used, tossed aside, abandoned. Alot of times it's our FOO (family of origin) and past that has helped lead us to this point in our lives. The point where we betray not only our spouse, but ourselves.

I'm 99% sure we wouldn't have half the problems we have if I wasn't so annoying, for want of a better word.

Annoying for who? Him? Just because you two are different doesn't make him right and you wrong. My husband is a very quiet man. He doesn't talk much. And he avoids conflict. Me, I'm more of a bull in a china shop. I was insistent that he was wrong and I was right. Not the case. We are each individual and unique. We have had to learn about each other, learn to communicate, and coexist peacefully.

Sienna, I hope you can realize that you are special. And you are worth saving. And you are allowed to do and feel things.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6253 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I don't know what I feel, I think they're hard to distinguish between. I've had some stressful times growing up and I know I'm no special case but I probably haven't dealt with it properly.

I don't like anger, I know that's an emotion I avoid at all costs. When I'm being screamed at I just zone out because I don't want to shout.

These statements stand out to me. These are the things you will work on with a good IC, and so much more. Plus, having someone to start working on getting in touch with your emotions, talking to about your emotions, practicing healthy relationships and communication, is at the core of what therapy is about. Your IC might be the one pace that you feel safe expressing your emotions, until you learn how to do it in the real world. That is what my IC tells me all of the time.

IC is the best thing you can do for you, and in turn for all of your relationships (IMO).


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, I don't mean I'm not special I mean as in everyone has problems but I haven't dealt with them properly.

That's the thing, nothing has really happened to me directly. I come from a very 'arty' family and that can mess you up, if you let it. I know I've let it and I know a counsellor will make a big deal out stuff. I'll go and I'll see but I'm not sure I'll be able to talk. I'm great at freezing up, it's literally a perfected art.

I think I am annoying to him. As soon as people wait for a reply or reaction my mind goes blank. I get choked up then if words do come out they sound like I'm hesitating and in some scenarios that makes it worse and it's better to not say anything. What if I just upset him or I don't say it properly it might take us 2 steps back.

Also, if I say I don't like some comments I'll seem too sensitive, like it's just a joke and I'm getting wound up for no reason or if it's during an argument what could I say 'it really hurts me when you call me that'- he could just be like, well effing about with strangers has confirmed that point. Or it could escalate into a bigger argument. If I shut up it does usually calm down. I am driving him mad and if I push it too much it could be too far.

Over the past couple of months he's done some really out of character stuff and that really is because of me.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'll go and I'll see but I'm not sure I'll be able to talk. I'm great at freezing up, it's literally a perfected art.

I had this fear. My IC told me that she is fine with silence, but she would also ask me probing questions. You will be able to talk trust me. It is important to find an IC that you feel comfortable with and trust. You might not trust them at first, but building trust over time is important. You have to trust your IC and be able to talk to them about everything, it just might take some time.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope so, I'll go anyway and see. I hope it helps and it doesn't just open up a can of worms!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like anger, I know that's an emotion I avoid at all costs

Oh boy do I understand this!!!!! I figured out for me it was because I had no idea how to experience anger or even how it felt. I had full on rage. There was no passing go, no 200 bucks, straight to rage.

Years of beyond fucked up childhood built up a nice inferno that was a complete conflagration. I can't tell you how many fights I got in protecting the victims of bullies not because I liked them or even had compassion for their pain but because I hated those that tormented and even if I got my ass kicked it gave relief from that burning for just a bit and gave me a more acceptable outlet of others viewing me as far more altruistic than I ever could hope to be.

Sienna, I can relate to zoning out and shutting down because if I ever let go I had great concern I would not stop.

My ex would try to push and even goad too. I understand it must have been very tough to be with someone that would shut down tighter than fort Knox. Very unfair to him. It's "funny" I have no remorse for my choices to cheat but I do have for how closed off I was in my marriage.

Anger is a new experience for me and I'm getting used to it. Started very wobbly and am getting my balance with it. I actually feel that rush and then exhaustion as my body self corrects from the past pattern.

It also has been tough to learn you can be angry with someone you love. Rage was linked to hate and confusion as you're supposed to love your parents and they're supposed to provide safety and when you're young you experience the abuse and monsters then they become "normal" and nice for a bit. Does not compute very well to the black white love hate kids experience in that development stage.

I didn't get much help with that from counseling but great help from my close friend from SI that had much the same experiences I did and my SO. It can be worked through. It's hard and painful but feeling anger the first time actually felt wonderful. Human.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
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