Early on in our relationship he was just out of a long term relationship in which he played my role. He was cheated on. He went through her emails. They fought all the time. They loved hard too. When they finally broke up (a month after to be exact) we met. He had mentioned he was just out of a long relationship and I tried to exit stage left a number of times, but he assured me that he was over it and wanted nothing to do with her anymore. She was his past, I was his present.
I had never felt this way about someone before so I took a leap of faith. 6 months in to our relationship I start getting a gut feeling. I got into his voicemails and heard some from her, that he had saved. Saying she thinks about him every minute. She still loves him. And he didn't love "me"!! She actually knew about me, which was news to me. She even said she hoped I didn't hear the messages because that would be "no bueno". She was even dating someone else at the time and had moved to another state. I asked him periodically if he'd heard from her and the answer was always no. Which I thought was strange given that he'd spent 5 years of his life with her.
Cut to 9 months into our relationship. We went to our first vacation in Cancun. Man we were having the time of our lives. Then one day, out on the beach, he complains that he's been getting phone calls from a number in England. He shows me his call log and I see a call from her the day before we left. It devastated me. He told me she onlyl called to get the number of his sisters addrsss to send her a xmas presesnt. The details surrounding that aren't important, but suffice to say that she already had that address, as she's lived there a period of time, and he knew that too. It was an excuse.
Believe it or not I did not leave him then. The following month he went on a ski trip with his friends. I was a nervous wreck the whole time. Eventually I found out he met a girl there, did got knows what with her, but managed to get her first and last name to friend request her on facebook (we werent friends on facebook at that time which was a huge flad in retrospect).
Her page was public so I coudl see she was in the same city at the same time. I did some searching on the web and actually found a "party" pic from one of thode websites with her name on it. I confronted him about all this and he admitted he met her, it was wrong, and they did nothing together physicially speaking. (I later found out they actually talked on the phone during that trip as well - one at 5 am)
I still didnt have proof so I stayed.
Cut to 4 moths later in April. I had access to his facebook and could see he was emailing yet another chick asking her out to drinks. That was the straw that broke the camels back.
I did not tell him how I knew, but I knew he asked her out. And I left him.
We were apart for 4 months and in that time he begged to have me back. Promised everythign I wanted in the first relatinship (to meet his parents, a declaration on facebook that i was his girl, a BOYFIEND in every sense of the word)
After miuch pleading and begging I decided to give him another chance. In four months I still pined for him. I believed he wasn't in love with me then,but losing me was enough to show him how much he did in fact love me. and never wanted to lose me again.
This was two years ago.
When we reconciled I still had major trust issues. I had all his passwords (unbenknownst to him) and monitered him (as well as the ex). I never found anything horrible but did see small lies - such as where he was at any given moment, or when he ordered something. Small assinine lies. But nothing to break up over.
But our relationship was not smooth sailing. He could be very mean sometimes and gave me passive aggressive treatmentt (maybe bevause I was doing the same because of whatever white lie was being told to me). He would also get really loud and yell to which he explained that that was his family's way.
OK Im rambling - I will try to get to the point.
So last weekend my sister wh0's 8 years younger than me got married. I didnt even want my boyfriend at the wedding for nultiple reasons. Mostly because I was embaraased that my baby sister was marring a guy she knew for one year and Im no where closer at 4 years with mine.
The ngiht of the wedding it hit me ike a ton fo bricks that he will never marry and this stupid date we gave ourselves of April 30 to be angaged was neevr going to happen. I would spend the days leading up with a heavy heart and would act resentful to him. I had hit my hard stop.
I told him it was over. i could not wait, not one more day, to be proposed to,and needed to start over with my life. Time is not on my side and if I want to have babies, at 36 and starting over, it may be too late to even have a nornal child.
He acted like he understood and cried and apologized and said he's let me go. That I'd be amazing for someone and he'd be jealous of him. That he wanted my happiniess over his and hoped I found it.
Then he calls and says he has something to say.. I dont know why , but I was terrified to hear it. I postponed the conversation for at least 4 days.
finaly we have it and he says (not in so many words) that if I promsie to work out and live a healthy life style he will propose tomorrow.
Now I am very attractive 5'9", 130 lbs. I get hit on all the time. Just two weeks ago a local sprtscaster who is also on ESPN sent me a note (while I was at the GYM) left me a note saying i was "breathtaking and if I was single (and he's sure I'm not as pretty as I am ,but didnt see a ring) to give him a call" Too bad this guy was not my type.
Anyway I'm not trying to brag but just to give you all an idea that I'm no slouch.
So after my boyfriend tells me all of that about being health and working out and how it's been a problem for him for a long time (and he's told me as much), I told him his love is conditional. If I do this, then he will love me and want me as his wife. That I didn't ask him to do anything to marry him. And I declined.
AM I closing the door on love out of spite? Or did I make the right decision? I'm hurting so bad that Im not sure I can go on.....part of me just wants to fall asleep forever. I have NO desire to be with another man. No libido whatsover. No desire to live life or work or do ANYTHING. Not even watch tv. I'm at my wits end.
Thank you for reading this
There is nothing wrong with walking away from a man who doesn't share your same view of the future. You want a husband and family. After 4 years of knowing that this is what you want, and he has not made a move towards that, it is doubtful that he will.
Even if he does have a sudden want for marriage and children, will you be able to trust him?
I know it hurts and for that I'm sorry.
You're grieving your dream of what might have been and that's natural. Give yourself a little time. Be kind to yourself. Then the next time a nice guy flirts with you, smile back and move on.
You know this is not why he hasn't proposed... you know that right? Sorry, but I call bs on his excuse, and you know what - pregnant women don't have hard bodies... so what happens then? You marry and get pregnant and you aren't appealing to him physically - so.. what then?
You are right love is unconditional. You marry knowing that anything can happen in life - he is basically saying he'll marry you, if, and only if, you are physically fit to the level of whatever bar he has set in his head...(?) Lord forbid you should be in an accident, or you know... age...
This isn't about you. It isn't that you aren't good enough or fit enough. But he has you thinking on it, doesn't he - thinking there is something wrong with you --rather than his inability to commit. He's blame-shifting. I think he is broken and you can't fix that, only he can.
Sorry, but that's my take (((suspicious)))
You do know this has nothing to do with your attitude toward health, right? I mean, if you're getting noticed my other men at the gym, you're ...well, at the gym, for starters!!
You have made the unfortunate error of staying with a man who does not want a future with you.
You start with:
This man was the love of my life. I am 36 years old and I have never felt love this all-encompassing. We laughed, had deep conversations, had tender-loving moments, incredible sex life, we were soul mates. And we both felt this way.
But it's not true. Particularly the last sentence.
When you're honest with yourself, as evidenced by almost everything else you write, this is NOT the "love of your life." Rather, he's a man who has, throughout the entire course of your relationship, been throwing up red flags:
* He continued his relationship with his ex, but hid it from you;
* Told aforementioned ex that he doesn't love you;
* Lied to you about this relationship when asked point-blank;
* Conducted this long-distance affair in your face, even while having the "time of your life" in Cancun;
* Had at least an emotional, and quite possibly physical, affair with a woman met on a ski trip with friends;
* Has started at least one other online emotional affair with a woman, via Facebook;
* Kept you OFF his Facebook friends list (!);
* Was dating--or at least trying to date--yet another woman, using Facebook to send messages;
* When you finally stood up for yourself; manipulated you back into this toxic relationship; then
* became verbally abusive and passive-aggressive;
* pretends to be willing to marry you---if you adhere to poorly defined standards related to your "health"---because at 5'9" and 130 pounds, you're apparently not good enough for him.
This man has never been all in. He's conducted himself as a single man throughout your relationship, and has strung you along the whole time.
Why is it that you think you don't deserve more?
No! Of course you're not
closing the door on love out of spite
This is NOT LOVE. It never was--at least not bilaterally. You may love him, but I suspect that with time and distance (and I'd strongly recommend NO CONTACT), you will realize that you really do not love him---not in a way that is healthy and sustainable.
Be gentle with yourself. In the aftermath of a breakup, it's normal to have no appetite, no libido, etc. If you can, have small, frequent meals. If you can't manage that, a good protein supplement and multivitamins are important. MORE important is to stay hydrated. Continue to exercise--not to win any man, but because it is a wonderful stress reliever, antidepressant, and confidence-booster. Get enough rest.
And do not have ANY contact with that manipulative loser. You've already devoted far too much time to him.
I know I am blunt. This is because I spent about 7 times as many years as you have spent with your boyfriend with the "love of my life." I now know he never loved me---at least not the way a woman should be loved by her husband/life partner.
No one should spend even ONE MINUTE with someone s/he's identified as unworthy of his/her love.
You have identified this man as such; it's time to bid him farewell.
You say you're worried you're closing the door on love. Really, you are OPENING that door.
Until the right man comes along, IC might be helpful---it can help you fine-tune your "picker." You saw all kinds of red flags with this man, and talked yourself out of paying attention to them. Finding out why is important--as is learning how to extricate yourself from relationships going nowhere early. You don't want a repeat performance.
That way, when the right guy walks through the open door, you'll be ready to be a whole, healthy partner for him.
[This message edited by solus sto at 8:44 AM, April 1st (Monday)]
This guy never worked on his issues. He's been cheating, lying and boundary breaking from the start.
Protect yourself. Work on why you are so afraid to let him go and then find someone worthy of the love you can give.
I knew for a long time he had issues with the things I ate, the Sprite I drank, the salt I used, the frequency with which I worked out. I knew this for a long time and we argued about it CONSTANTLY. I even asked hi on a few occasions if this was a deal breaker for him because if he'd say YES I would have left him. I dont know why, now that I know it really is a deal breaker, why it hurts so bad.
I feel like I'm arguing with someone that smoking is good for you and I wont marry you unless you realize how many health benefits it has.
I feel .......INSANE
When I put my foot down and ended things because of no commitment was 3/13. He agreed at first that ending things was the right move for us. Then 4 days later says he'll marry me "if" i work with him on the health issues. And said he's propose "tomorrow".
I dont know if i'm letting my pride get in the way of a future. I know it seems so easy just to pick up and move on. But my friends have been single for YEARS with no prospects in sight. Our city is not good for people our age. I have to be ok with being single for the rest of my life. Or settle. Neither sounds good to me. I know he wasn't the last man on earth but its not like i dated much before him. I remember those days and I was equally miserable....
I feel like I did something horrible in a previous life because I've been a very good person in this one.
[This message edited by suspicious247 at 10:01 AM, April 1st (Monday)]
Gently, he has been a boyfiend. I see so little friendship in the relation described and a whole of fiend-ness.
You deserve better. SO MUCH BETTER and you have been conditioned to believe that his crumbs are "all-encompassing".
I told him what happens if I , or this woman he's about to meet that excercises twice a day and only eats raw food, falls on tough times and is unable to care for themselves what then?
I even threw in a "god has a interesting sense of humor".
His response is I'm cursing his life. and he doesn't know who i am, that im speaking out of anger and not the person he loves
You are right love is unconditional. You marry knowing that anything can happen in life
However, his conditions are ridiculous and I would tell him to take permanent hike if I were you.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
People that are tend to want absolute loyalty in another, adoration, control, while giving nothing, committing nothing, receiving nothing.
If you're on one side of that coin you'll hit it and quit it like he's doing. If you land on the other you'll chase and wait hoping for a "wake up" that will never come. This is a pattern, usually with the roles switching but always same frustration and mind masturbation with no "happy endings".
Tell him he's absolutely right about your health. You have been neglecting it by allowing him to be in your life then go dark and move on.
I'd suggest doing some serious internal reflection and inventory. It's usually no accident you wound up in this type of relationship.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Tell him he's absolutely right about your health. You have been neglecting it by allowing him to be in your life
5'9" and 130 lbs is a healthy weight. I'm 5'6"/5'7" and 130 is an ideal weight for me. You don't have to work out to be healthy either.
He's making excuses.
Has he dealt with any of the issues about the cheating and his passive/aggressive behavior with an IC?
Why do you want to marry a man that you don't even feel comfortable bringing to a wedding or one that makes excuses on why he won't propose? Are you in IC?
Your sister married someone who didn't cheat on her early into the relationship. So a year of a relationship worked with them. Look at the history of your relationship, you would not have married him at a year in, or from the way it sounds 2 years in. You should not necessarily focus on the time of the relationship but the QUALITY of the relationship.
You are 36, still young. You honestly have plenty of time to meet someone who will love and treat you the way you deserve to be treated and loved.
Seriously look at your relationship history with this man without any rose colored glasses on. If you had a friend that told you that history, what would you advise them to do?
He won't propose to you because you drink Sprite and use too much salt??? Suspi, that's just *whack*.
Look, putting conditions on love is fine, IMO, because it defines your boundaries. If someone abused me, I could no longer really love them - so there's a condition. If someone harmed one of my loved ones without remorse, I could no longer love them - another condition. I think our conditions for love define what we would call deal breakers. I'm sure we all have deal breakers, though maybe not everyone considers them as conditions.
However this SO of yours has conditions that seem pretty incompatible with who you are. You like salt. You like Sprite. You like faithful, honest men. He sees Sprite and salt as deal-breakers, and he has so far only been faithful under duress and only because you took a strong stand on it. And even after your strong stand he continues to be dishonest.
It doesn't sound like you two are really compatible. It doesn't sound as if he actually loves the person you are.
Also I'm always suspicious of people whose deal breakers are things that can change randomly, by chance, in a heartbeat through no fault of their partner. What if you became ill? Or hurt? What if you needed medication, steroids, that changed your body? What if you craved salt while pregnant? You'd never trust him, and you'd never be certain he had your back. I think you know the answer to this, and it's not "pride" standing in your way of marrying this guy - it's self-respect.