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User Topic: He wont propose because I dont view health as importance as he
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J~
StillGoing...

I know that you had a point, and I read your missive twice...but for the life of me I cannot figure it out. I did try though...

Then you said,

Now I think about it that story had kind of a bad ending for everyone involved. Nevermind.

Your cracking me up!

end T/J


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You asked him to go NC, he ignored it. He asked you to go to CC, you ignored it. I think that pretty much tells him you were serious about the NC and he doesn't care. He wants his way.

If you have no intention of going to CC, stay NC.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11131 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just called me from his business line that he does not know I know about. WTF

why not call me from his cell phone?


Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2011
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's trying to trick you into answering. He's not accepting not getting his way.

Each incidence of NC is a bullet dodged with this guy.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11131 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would send him a registered letter to get your belongings at the storage facility. Get them all, at one time. Rent your own space and have that set up so you can just move everything into another location.

THAT SHOULD BE THE ONLY CONTACT YOU HAVE WITH HIM. One letter, give him several dates and times, he needs to pick one. Or have your roommate contact him to get her mattress and the other belongings. Your only other option is to take it all as a loss.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I need someone to smack some sense into me.

I'm feeling bad because he has absolutely no idea where my head's at. He doesn't know just how over this relationship i am. Does he deserve to know ? We kind of left it as me telling him to only contact me if he changes his mind on the marriage stuff. (bleh hate myself for saying that)

He's probably super confused now right? If I tell him maybe he will really leave me alone?

Is my heart getting in the way of my head? Im having a weak moment or something. Not bc I want him back but bc I feel like im being cruel


Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2011
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to be really blunt here. Who the fuck cares if he "feels bad" or doesn't know that the relationship is over?

Seriously. He is obviously broken but WHY do you feel bad about it? Are you in IC?

And if anything, he doesn't believe you when you told him not to contact you because YOU STILL ENGAGE HIM.

You have to stop. Walk away, hell run - run away from the crazy.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
JustDone
♀ Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't know just how over this relationship i am.

He knows it's over - he doesn't have to know HOW over.

Over is over.

He will get the drift if you stay away.

NC, NC, NC.

I also think your roommate should get her stuff - and yours. And be the one to contact him, if you really need those things.

And please be careful. If you don't respond to him, he might just try more serious stuff, like show up at your front door, or your job, or your local grocery store.

If this is what you want, you have to mean business.

Hugs!

-JD


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2783 | Registered: Feb 2006
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this guy sent you a text on April 8 to "offer" counseling. Correct?

And today is the 15th. And he now wants an answer from you? After 7 days? Really?

And you feel you are ready to answer him right now as soon as he sends a text?

Step away from the phone. Please.

This person has you so ass backwards it is crazy. I hope you see this and I hope you turn to your IC or get in IC if you are not to get help to see how much manipulation this is...I really do. I think it could be very helpful to you.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God he just tried to call again. From his cell this time.

Yes I am in IC. Psychiatrist and Psychologist. Psych told me he thinks Im going to take a backslide after the newness and realization wears off. Said I will have a big void in my life. Thanks bro

He left a message but im not listening to it. Not tonight anyway.

I doubt he will show up at my door because by the grace of God I actually have a roommate now. I didn't for the first 3.5 yrs of our relationship. He is SOOOOOOOOO concernced with appearances he would NEVER look or act bad in front of anyone but me. It is a small miracle I have a roomate now....


Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2011
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't listen to it. Just delete the damn thing.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling bad because he has absolutely no idea where my head's at. He doesn't know just how over this relationship i am.

You've told him in great detail. He KNOWS. He knew full well before the last 5 hour phone call. You're not taking his calls and you're no longer responding to him - HE KNOWS why.

Every time you don't answer his calls he knows EXACTLY how over this relationship you are. Please.

We kind of left it as me telling him to only contact me if he changes his mind on the marriage stuff. (bleh hate myself for saying that)

And he's not respecting that, is he? He's not calling to marry you! You told him not to contact you and he's doing it anyway!

He's probably super confused now right? If I tell him maybe he will really leave me alone?

He's NOT confused. Did you read those books? Did those books profile people who spent their lives scratching their heads in confusion? Or did the books profile people who know FULL WELL what the game is and spend a lot of their cunning trying to manipulate it in their favor.

And NO, he won't leave you alone. Are you serious? Each time you've asked him to leave you alone, he calls and calls and texts and emails! Why on earth would yet another round of conversation - which will fill him with power and set you back emotionally - be at all to your benefit?

Is my heart getting in the way of my head? Im having a weak moment or something. Not bc I want him back but bc I feel like im being cruel

He HAD his chance to be a good man. You told him explicitly what you needed - and to be quite honest, your needs were pretty basic. You needed to be taken for yourself, loved for yourself. He couldn't do it. He explained at LENGTH exactly how and why he wouldn't do it. He lectured you like a child, berated you like a servant and criticized you when you asked for love.

You've only been cruel to yourself. You've told him over and over what you need, and he either doesn't have it in him or refused in the most insulting way. And please don't forget he cheats on you and lies about it! As if you guys didn't have enough problems. So on the one hand you have a cheater and a liar who tries to belittle you and control you until you ignore him and then he dangles half assed carrots in front of you - versus you, who has poured your heart and soul out to him, gotten stomped on, given him 20 chances and then finally made a healthy, self-preserving life choice and followed through on your warnings, and you think YOU are being cruel by not giving him another swing at you?


Posts: 3189 | Registered: Mar 2005
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Circe!! That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Jesus you are a God send. You are so fucking right. This place never ceases to amaze me. The wisdom here is better than 10000 sessions with any IC.

THOSE are the words I needed to hear and why I keep coming back here.

I am reading that Dr Phil book now, and I let my roommate listen to the message to make sure it does not pertain to my belongings. She said it was 2 minutes of him saying he would like an answer to his question. With long pauses in between. But she said the whole two minutes was him saying only that. Oh and that he was sure I had gotten his texts. She said it would not have made me sad at all. Very 'mono-toned'in her words

I really can't thank you guys enough for the support. SI saved my life I think


Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And yet another text this morning

I'm posting every little thing he sends me.

I'm not asking you for more time or anything along those lines. I realize and understand why you made the public declaration to your friends and some family. We don't have to speak or see each other outside of counseling if that's what you prefer. We would have to do it anyway as pre-marital. Between 6-8 sessions. Don't ignore this please, I realize you had asked to go together awhile ago, but I didn't think it would help at the time. Ive never done it so i didnt know. Now I feel differently about it. You were right. We needed an outside perspective from someone who deals with this kind of stuff on a day to day basis. Please let me know what you're thinking. Thank you


Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2011
JustDone
♀ Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's ignoring your wishes again!

He didn't want to go to counseling before when you did. Now he wants to go to counseling when you don't.

Plus, he assumes you'll do it by saying:

We don't have to speak or see each other outside of counseling if that's what you prefer
.

No, you prefer to NOT do counseling. You prefer to leave this relationship. You prefer to be left alone.

Then, this is truly frightening when he again assumes:

We would have to do it anyway as pre-marital
.

Like you are still going to marry him!

He is not taking your words to him seriously and/or is trying his usual tactics to break you down and guilt you into replying. He will not take no for an answer.

I think you should not read anything more from him and block all forms of communication.

I'm so glad you have a roommate, but I think he might try to get to you any way he can once he really realizes you are done.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2783 | Registered: Feb 2006
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suspicious, have you worked anything out about your stuff that he has? I mean have you worked it out in your mind, with friends or even before you went NC did you say anything to him about it?

I think you're doing great by the way. And the people of SI, me included, have just "been there" with a partner like your former SO, while your IC might be speaking from a more academic place regarding abusive relationships. When I was in your position it was my friends who saved my sanity, but my IC back then was good at shoring up my sense of self afterwards.

We would have to do it anyway as pre-marital. Between 6-8 sessions.

Yack that's a limp little carrot.

You're doing great. I wish you could block his contact so you could eliminate that source of stress right now.


Posts: 3189 | Registered: Mar 2005
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he is dangling a carrot again....saying it would be pre-marital just to get you to go? Yet he hasn't asked you to marry him?

That is so ass backwards and manipulative it is a little creepy.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Circe , in my mind I prepared to lose all my belongings and start over. I would buy my roommate a new mattress. (That's the only thing he has of hers if memory serves) the alternative is To place the things in storage which I looked in to. @$300 a month for climate controlled. I'd rather just start over with new furniture, clothes etc. I have not discussed this with him lately. A whole back during a fight I told him to burn all of it and I didn't want it.

We would have to do it anyway as pre-marital. Between 6-8 sessions
.

This is the sort of thing I was referring when I posted yesterday as to him being clueless as to where my heads at. That statement shows me he thinks I'm holding out for a stupid proposal. He has no idea I basically think he's a monster now.

Realitybites- agreed! He is crazy making and I'm so glad at least someone can see it. I really thought I was the one with the problem. (Not saying I don't have my own set of issues)

Thanks for the support and words of encouragement guys. I can't thank y'all enough

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 11:12 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstly, he's *assuming* you into counseling--did you notice that?

He is writing the story of your life FOR you as if you are just a pawn on the board....and that is creepy as hell because it shows zero regard or respect for you as a person.

You said that your reading Dr. Phil's book. Good. Your guy is definitely a BAITER.

E=exploiter
When he mentions the work *pre-marital* he is baiting you by exploiting you. He KNOWS that you want to get married and so, as everyone has said, he *dangles* out a word that looks as if you will be getting what YOU want. However, that small detail of the fact that you two are NOT EVEN engaged is being ignored.

Carry on with the NC with this guy. If you engage with him in any way it's just going to be a completely unproductive circular argument because you are only an *extension* of him......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7939 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the sort of thing I was referring when I posted yesterday as to him being clueless as to where my heads at. That statement shows me he thinks I'm holding out for a stupid proposal.

He thinks that statement will get a rise out of you. If you were gagging for a marriage proposal, you wouldn't be repairing your own life away from him and ignoring his texts and calls. Those aren't the actions of a woman running towards the altar or holding her breath for his call.

And good for you.


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