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He wont propose because I dont view health as importance as he

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suspicious247 posted 5/2/2013 21:35 PM

Ha that is genius ... Going to change address to mine if possible. See he's right, I'm inconsiderate and thoughtless lol

circe posted 5/3/2013 06:43 AM

It's good to hear you staying so strong, susp.

His birthday text, what a load of horseshit and passive aggressive puke. You know that. You don't have to feel guilty for not encouraging that kind of entitlement and guilt weaving. You're better than that.

I'm glad you're gaining strength from the distance and that you know you have the right to grieve the relationship you wanted with him. Your friend was a jerk to goad you about him still having power over you. It's normal to feel like you're on a rollercoaster, and the plunges down into guilt or regret will get so much less over time. It's just how you process all your feelings. You're a good person. You will feel these things and then move on from them. As long as you keep checking in with yourself to remember that you shouldn't be torturing yourself with the feelings, texts and regrets - and that you should spend some time being kind to yourself, and remembering the good parts of you, too - then you'll heal and regain your happy life. I know it's rocky, but it really does get slowly better.

realitybites posted 5/3/2013 07:09 AM

You are getting great advice from others. Keep up the good work.

A funny thing happens along the way as you start to get stronger and your eyes start to open up. Slowly you will find that some of your friends, not all but some...just like the one friend who was not supportive of you....or even the group you might hang out with start to feel not right to you. It won't seem fun or it will seem like they are selfish or childish, but your tolerance for bullshit is really low and you won't want to put up with it any more.

Then again maybe it was just me. What I found I was attracted to whether in the opposite sex or in friends were the crazy, fun, totally selfish type of person. I liked the person who could push boundries. Who seemed to me to have no fears in life. Yet what I found out is that they drew me into their world to a point that it felt really uncomfortable.

Don't know if that makes sense....took alot of IC and digging into FOO issues to see that I liked to choose these types of people. I have a funny feeling if you can get over to the other side of this whole thing you will start to weed out a few other people in your life. Not to be mean, but just to see you have grown beyond them.

alphakitte posted 5/3/2013 08:47 AM

"I must be a horrible person and didn't deserve it."

Read this as "meeeee, meeee, me, all about me."

OMG, words from my passive-aggressive father, to my mother, ringing in ears.

Block and ignore!!!!

m334455 posted 5/3/2013 08:54 AM

A -- lose the douchebag. Really, he's just a hot mess.

B -- sportscaster is hitting on you at the gym and you need to work out more? doubt it.

C --

and if I want to have babies, at 36 and starting over, it may be too late to even have a nornal child.

Nah. You're fit. Your chances of having a (healthy) baby are still very high. You might not get pregnant 2 weeks after you stop the pill, but it'll be fine.

Main thing is this: WHY, why did you stay in this push-pull relationship so long? What was the payoff for you? That's what you need to figure out.

m334455 posted 5/3/2013 09:04 AM

I have a funny feeling if you can get over to the other side of this whole thing you will start to weed out a few other people in your life. Not to be mean, but just to see you have grown beyond them.

Ah, this was true for me too! Really, it started to show up in every area of my life. I changed doctors, grocery stores, the place I get my car serviced... anything that was unpleasant and/or BS just slashed. It just sort of woke me up.

suspicious247 posted 5/3/2013 09:47 AM

your tolerance for bullshit is really low and you won't want to put up with it any more.

This is already happening to me. I have another 'good' friend who I'm now keeping at arms length bc of her passive aggressive comments. Two weeks ago she told me my hair was my 'security blanket' when I was discussing my hair extension issue. She also told me that she could see the difference between my real hair and my 'fake' hair. I didnt say anything at the time and actually agreed with her, but after the fact I started to get very annoyed and angry with her and thought to myself "I have 0 tolerance for this shit now" . If I have no friends im ok with that, I am not dealing with women who try to take you down a few pegs with subtly aggressive comments meant to come across as concern or honesty. She said this to me the same night i told her about the breakup. I felt like she kicked me while I was down.

I am DONE with mean people!!! So yes, you are very right RB - as usual.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 9:51 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

suspicious247 posted 5/3/2013 17:46 PM

I have no plans tonight. No plans this weekend. No one has called. Not that I want them to. I really dont feel like i can be aruond people who dont 'get it'.

I want to watch a good movie. Any suggestions?

Also interesting - my "OW" his ex, the one I have been watching for years. She's going to be on a Bravo reality show. . Will be interesting to watch. Shes on it with her current BF. Oh yeah she cheated on him too, and he caught her. Shes the one Ive been compared to for the last 4 yrs. I will post about it when it airs. I Love bravo too. I will hate her if shes some breakout star and is freinds with Andy. I hope it fails on the first eposide....

wannarun posted 5/3/2013 18:17 PM

Change your number and move on!! Guess what's gonna happen when you get pregnant?......your going to crave sprite and salt!! Then what? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what he's doing of if you're good enough? Trust me you don't want to go through this again after you're married with children!! It becomes much more difficult!! Take your power and go out and find a good man!! He's "no bueno"

suspicious247 posted 5/3/2013 18:23 PM

Lol wannarun. touché

Muy bueno lol

JustAShadow posted 5/3/2013 18:38 PM

Suspi - I've been a lurker to your story and am just so impressed with how strong you are and how well you are doing (even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes).

Here's a few Netflix ideas for a few different moods.

* The Vicar of Dibley (british tv sitcom hilarity -currently Netflix only has season 1 but it should get you laughing)
* Breaking Bad - it will keep you occupied all weekend long
* The Constant Gardener
* Muriel's Wedding - for that funny/cry vibe

The last two I can watch over and over and over again.

ETA: I realize that last one may seem like a total trigger from the title - but, if you don't know the story of the movie, it's not a relationship story (other than friend relationships) or a real wedding. See, this is why I lurk - I'm sometimes such a dumba$$ with these things called words. I'm gonna go sit in my corner and shut up.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 12:43 AM, May 4th (Saturday)]

suspicious247 posted 5/5/2013 07:41 AM

Main thing is this: WHY, why did you stay in this push-pull relationship so long? What was the payoff for you?

I actually thought I couldn't do any better. He was so good looking, so successful, so seemingly in touch with his emotions, and so in love with me - I thought it could't get any better and this was the hand I was dealt. The fighting and the crazy-making was the payoff for having such a 'catch'. Now that I look at it from the outside it seems pathetic.

I had bad examples growing up.

Sad in AZ posted 5/5/2013 09:11 AM

Maybe I missed it, but why can't you block his texts?? As for the work email, you can probably it up so that his emails go to junk, then you can just delete the junk folder.

Seriously, you have to cut this off. It's not helping you to read his shit. This all seems so self-destructive on your part.

suspicious247 posted 5/7/2013 11:24 AM

I hate to admit this. It's a morbid curiosity. I hate myself for this. I dont know why i continue to punish myself mentally.

I'm dying to know if he's dating and what she/they look like. Maybe bc I've been tracking his every move for years? I dont know. I dont know why I cant completely cut him out of my mind. I want to so bad. I want a lobotomy.

When does it get easier? I am a month of NC (from my end anyway - I think he hates me now for not wishing him a happy fucking birthday). I would probably be angry at someone whom I spent so much time with, for not wishing me a happy birthday too. It does seem really cold. Like really cold.

I dont know.

Why am I so is overwhelming me, I dont have any joy in life. I dont look forward to anything. Dont want to be around or talk to anyone. I have 0 desire to do anything but just sleep. I feel like I am in a nightmare and I'm going to wake up and everything is going to be ok.

Sorry I have no where else to go but here.

Yes Im in IC - yes I'm on AD's.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 11:25 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

DeadMumWalking posted 5/7/2013 11:31 AM

I am a month of NC

No you're not:

I'm dying to know if he's dating and what she/they look like. Maybe bc I've been tracking his every move for years? I dont know. I dont know why I cant completely cut him out of my mind.

You need to go COMPLETELY NC, including MENTALLY NC.

If you're thinking about him, you're not NC.

If you're getting texts from him, you're not NC.

If you're wanting to know if he's dating, you're not NC.

If you're wondering what his dates look like, you're not NC.

At least you're not initiating any communication with him (right???), but you need to get him out of your mind as well in order for him to be completely out of your life.

What have you tried to substitute? Reading? Exercise? Something else?

Work on STOPPING the thoughts of him, and on doing something else so that your mind will go there less and less, then finally little or not at all.

Then you will be TRULY, COMPLETELY NC, and you will be FREE.


Mousse242 posted 5/7/2013 12:20 PM

Who cares if it's prepaid. Just call them and tell them you want to cancel it. They can keep the $$ if they fight you on a refund but tell them you want it canceled. Period. Talk to a supervisor or their supervisor if necessary.

suspicious247 posted 5/7/2013 16:07 PM

The subscription is the least of my worries. It's over in two months. I only mentioned it bc he said I was so thoughtless regarding his bday and that was bought specifically for that purpose.

What have I done to replace? Nothing. That's my problem. I'm having trouble finding the energy or will to do even the simplest things. I don't know how I'm even managing to work. It's a stressful job and I'm sucking wind right now.

I realize how sick it is that he occupies all this head space. But I don't think I have the capacity to control my thoughts. Just not built that way I guess

alphakitte posted 5/7/2013 16:29 PM

Dear Susp, Saying you are just not built that way is an excuse. It is like saying you aren't built to swim, or run, just because you've never done it before.

Controlling your thought life is possible with training and discipline. I should know! (long story with FOO issues").

You can google how to control your thoughts and challenge yourself to develop coping skills. It has the potential to payoff handsomely!

Good luck, Catt

[This message edited by alphakitte at 5:43 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Spelljean posted 5/7/2013 17:59 PM

I totally agree with alpha, there are even ICs that specialize in positive self-talk and therapy to get you shifting your focus to healthier things and you eventually realize you can control your thought patterns. Because the negative ones you have currently are negative patterns you developed yourself. They can be broken with work.

Something I am working on and getting better at.

suspicious247 posted 5/7/2013 18:36 PM

I just realized something. I think part of my "regression" for lack of a better term is bc of a trigger. I heard a song on the radio and I recognized the beginning . I realized that wx skipped that song every single time it started to play. I finally heard the lyrics and I know why. One of the lines is "yeah I like to fuck, I got a fucking problem". I realize why he skipped it now. He rest of the song is along those lines. It probably hit too close to home for him (and me). And now I have it playing on repeat in my head. I need to look into this controlling your thoughts business

suspicious247 posted 5/8/2013 09:39 AM

I'm sure I'll get plenty of 2x4s for even looking(if anyone is even still reading this drivel), but i discovered a phone I had in early 2012 and found some texts. And in the spirit of having it all here on this thread so I can come back when Im weak, im going to post some texts.

These are from Jan/Feb 2012

Oh and to the poster that said that I'm posting this stuff "and I was all this , and then he said that" - yes I guess that is what Im doing. I am still hurting. I am still analyzing. I am a thinker. I know I shouldnt be reading this stuff bc he is still occupying my brain. I know. Rome wasn't built in a day. Not trying to make excuses

Me 1/12/12

You have not been enthusiastic about seeing me, taking to me, spending time with me for w hile. Please spend your time with the people you feel enthusiastic abt. No hard feelings, not "jumping down ur throat" just telling you how I feel and the best way I can think to fix it .


I can't help I'm going to have a lot if stuff coming up in the next two months (I HAD WEDDINGS,BDAYS, I HAD A LOT OF COMMITMENTS). If ur already upset about the time we r spending on me, I can tell u its only going to get worse until this wedding is over. I guess we just do things for ourself on our own time since we cant seem to come to an understanding of how we do it together. If u could think my feelings were legitimate for once id probably fall over in shock. Its like ur never wrong, its always me. No matter what it is, im always in the wrong in some form or fashion. I know im not always right, but seriously...can I be wrong 100% of the time? I dont think thats statistically possible


Seriously, go do all the things u resent me for denying u of. And if u want to play the "no responding" game... cool, i have a black belt in that.


We are not even talking about the same thing. I am not already upset about anything. Do you think I'm offering to do things for you just because im a nice person? I'm offering because I want to, and because I know it makes you happy, and that in turn makes me happy. Same as what you would do for me. I'm saying that I've offered because I want to, but I don't feel like you've been happy. You're upset with me because I want to watch a football game, or that I have basketball on Wednesdays, or that I have stuff I need to do at my place which can totally be avoided if you actually stayed here like we have been talking abt. It's not about who's right or wrong, no one is trying to say you're wrong. We are simply not viewing the dynamics of what's going on the same way


No ur offering to help because weve been arguing abt ur selfishness and time/resource allocations. You do more stuff and cleaning ard ur house than spend time with me. For the last 3 weeks u have been cleaning all week long except wednesdays. U even cleaned sat morning, everytime I talk to u, ur cleaning or abt to. You may disagree, but ive been watching and yes u spend more time cleaning than u do with me. (when ur awake) your place should be spotless at this point especially since "youre never there". And yes u are already upset!!!!! I said u resent me for doing stuff for me for TWO WHOLE WEEKENDS and u emphatically agreed that yes u were in fact resentful. Pretty cut and dry to me. Please clean ur apt, run ur errands, I wont be asking anything else of u. I had a funny feeling it would come to this


And wtf, im upset cause u want to play bball on wednesdays. Ur just making stuff up now. Incredible. Yes, please just think Im angry with u for wanting to watch football or play bball, or go to work, or dermatologist. Ur gonna think that anyways so theres not a damn thing I can do abt it. U must think im mentally challenged or something


And thanks for disagreeing with me abt ur lack of enthusiasm. Speaks volumes
IF someone said they thought I didnt want to be around them id fall all over myself trying to convince them otherwise. Anyway ive said what I needed to


Listen to how upset you are. I'm not calling you names, and I'm not starting a fight with my words

There's no reason to get like that


No YOU listen to how upset I am. Thats the whole point. You care more abt urself than me. Im like a broken record. I didnt start the fight, ur ambivalence was the catalyst. This is going nowhere...we will never agree


Ur calling me selfish? Youre right we will no agree


Please humor am I selfish? Because I didnt thank you "emphatically" enough??? Because I DID thank u!!! Multiple times. And I DO help u if u ask for it and even offer sometimes when u dont. U always shoot me down. I offered to go get ur clothes for u on sunday when u couldnt get off the couch. I offered to do anything u needed to do saturday. I offered to go to marshalls for u. Offered to make dinner. Offered to come watch u try clothes on today. And this is just in last 7 days.,I do try to do things for u, and have been doing so for more than a few weekends. I dont know what u want from me other than saying thank u more repetitively? Or giving u praise everyime u take the trash out or go shopping with u feel u dont get enough of my time? U think constantly I put my feelings first over urs? U feel like I cant stand to be around you...ever? No. and until u feel that way u will never know what this all feels like.


Im not expecting you to say thank you of anything for that matter. I'm putting forth the effort to doing the things you want to do, but no matter much I do it's not enough for you. You're examples are not the way it happened either. I'm trying to meet you halfway buy you don't want to do that.


Im sorry two weekends isnt going to make up fir years of focus on u. I would need to see CONSISTENCY over time. Two weekends is four days. U really think that if over a period of months I would see that ur actually changing and not just doing it to shut me up for the time being, then continue to have ur priorities the way u have been all along. I just dont get u, if someone was saying the same thing over and over again, id take notice. And I wouldnt automatically assume they were wrong. Then when I deliver on what they want for a short while, get angry that they didnt appreciate it enough. Point is ur always going to have a negative opinion of me. I cam never voice displeasure without preparing for battle. Ur impossible to talk to. Ur hard to get thru to. Ive said so much tonite and uve only addressed the things that bother u. No remorse for making me feel bad. Its cruel
Im depressed. Have a lovely nite. Im sure u could care less abt all this but it s ruined my mood and im calling it a nite


NO, you're the one that is focused on starting a fight. It's all about you're not doing this or you're not doing that. Years of having the focus on me? Come on. Ur right, this is depressing. Nite


I dont know if u understand this, but I think its important you know. And I speak for all women when I say this. Even if it doesnt work out with me, youll know for future women. When you are working 7 days a week 14 hrs a day (HE DID THIS EVERY YEAR FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR - WILL GIVE HIM THAT HE IS A HARD WORKER), a woman who is dating u will NEVER feel like the focus is on her. It will feel like its on u. Which is ok , its ur work and u cant help that. But then when your work dies down, its almost like you have to make up that time to her to balance things out. I know ur disagreeing with everything I just said, but I felt it was important that I say that to you at least once. I hope you remember that over the years, with or without me. Thansk for the good morning text, I hope you have a good day too.


No it's not ok. The focus is not on ME when I am working, it is on my JOB!! And the reason people work is so they can provide for their families. So any woman should understand that if she wants to have a future with this person who is a hard worker and has long hours for part of the year, the hard work will pay off in the long run. It's not about immediate satisfaction, it's about life in the future. So when the work does die down, that opens up time to be spent together or doing things that don't get done during the busy times. There is nothing to "remember" over the years. It is a philosophical difference in the way we view things. You can think that the focus is on me all you want, but you have never worked for your own company so you can't understand what I'm saying to you. Not your fault, and not MINE either!


Again u refuse to see things from my perpective. I said a woman can not feel like shes a priority during those months and would understand bc of all the reasons you stated. But when ur not working those hourse a woman would be hurt if the focus continued to be mainly on u and ur needs. And yes, aside from a few things here and there that is where ur focus has been. Instead u say we have a difference of philosophies. Ha. Not true, I know ur ex did not feel like a priority most times. And complained abt it to u. So we are both wrong and u are right? How bout "yes suspicious I can see why u feel left by the wayside sometimes and im sorry to make u feel that way after all ive put you through. And ill do my best in the future to never make u feel that way". Is that really so hard for you?
This has nothing to do with being self employed vs non. This has to do with quality time and being fully present and engaged in the act at hand, no matter how trivial. And putting someones elses needs above ur own. Isnt that what love is?


The focus does not continue to be on my needs. And no, aside from a few things here and there?????????!!!!!!!! You don't even realize what you are saying. This is why I say that you are being unappreciative.You don't know anything abt how my ex felt. Don't even try to throw that in my face (OH BUT I DID)I would like for you to show me appreciation by just doing the things that we agreed we would both work on. I'm working on doing things for you, but I feel like you're not doing the same and aren't very motivated in doing anything because you feel that what I'm doing is not enough. I don't want to continue this cycle until it drives us mad. It makes us both unhappy. We are already 2 weeks into the new year when we were supposed to turn over a new leaf.


Ok well we both feel taken for granted. At least we both know how the other feels to some degree. I didnt really know u felt taken for granted. You always say im selfish and I never really interpreted that as u being taken for granted. But when u put it that way I understand more. When u say the things we agreed on are u only referring to working out? Thats the only thing I feel like im failing u on, plus not showing enough appreciation which I said id work on. But all of this is once again being turned on me and u are clean as a whistle. Can u admit any part in this? Or is it all my doing, all the time? I feel like im always bending, always apologizing , admitting fault, trying to make peace, saying ur right and ill work on it, asking how I could handle things differely. Ur so caught up in being right, u never give me any credit. Or do any of the aforementioned things. Like never. "sorry" and "what can I do to make it better" or "i can see how ud feel that way" are not in ur vocab.

And I dont understand u calling me unmotivated. Only because I havent worked out this this week? Becasue I did work out last week, and have been working out but not telling u abt it. I evem told u that. ive been very motivated and been accomplishing tons. So im confused bu that statement. Aside from working out and appreciation where else am I failing u? I wish ud ask me these questions sometimes....see this is how I respond to someone who is unhappy with me. "what can I do to make it better" not "you criticize me and jump down my throat all the time, and ur wrong abt everything u feel"

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