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He wont propose because I dont view health as importance as he
You'll hear from him again.
Trust me. You will. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week/month....but it'll come.
And when you do.....ignore him COMPLETELY!!!
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 2:05 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]
You keep talking to him and you'll be his next OW.
I know telling you this will get me absolutely nowhere.
Here's the lie in that statement (and he saw that lie based on his response, below). The lie is that if you had REALLY accepted that telling him this would get you absolutely nowhere, you wouldn't have told him. Really.
Then why on Gods green earth would you want anything to do with me if that's what you believe?
See? He saw through your lie (to yourself) right away! And, no matter what you say, he reads that by you being willing to be in contact with him, in any manner what-so-ever that what he does can't be that bad. You can't win here, no matter how hard you wish it. You can't even win theoretically!
I guess I'm naive in the sense that I feel like I can help.
I'm not convinced that you are naive. I wonder if you aren't stubborn and want things the way you want them. You want someone with wealth, attractive, etc. You want to suck out the abusive, horrible, personality of this joker and transplant in someone with feeling, empathy and a sense of fairness. Ain't going to happen, sister.
I would NEVER be his or any others OW!!!!!!!!! All the pain and agony I went through with him, I would sooner die than be the other woman . Take that to the BANK. I am so painfully aware of the havoc it causes , even by my own mother and father that I could never ever be a part of an affair. Over my dead cold body. Just wanted to make that clear.
Alpha you may be right on the naive comment. I'm really not that naive. But I do think he needs help and at the moment I am the only person who can attempt or even qualifies because I'm the only person, including family, that has seen him for who he truly is. Including himself even.
Even though he hurt me to the core, I want to help him. Maybe naive is the wrong word. Maybe it's arrogant or kind to a fault. But I actually thought , in some fucked up way, that I could help him become aware of himself. But the fact that I want to "help" him shows I still care and I am painfully aware of that as well. I guess I've been so mistreated my whole life that even someone who gives me snippets of niceness makes me want to repay the favor in some way.
It's a learning process
But the fact that I want to "help" him shows I still care and I am painfully aware of that as well.
This need isn't about helping him or caring. It's about feeding your own dysfunction. You get off on the thought of rescuing him. Stop focusing on his issues and focus on your own. Once you do, you'll be able to walk away from this hot mess of dysfunction that you have going on with him.
[This message edited by lieshurt at 3:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]
And alpha I really truly didn't think it would get me anywhere which is why I haven't told him thus far.
But I will admit he pushed my buttons and I said that out of anger. I was scared to say it, but I was also told by my IC that it may be good to reveal my truth. Even if he never read it, to put it on "paper" to help with my healing. I probably took her advice and did the wrong thing. I don't know what's right anymore. Just know that we're wrong. He's wrong
He is not about to give up Suspicious. NArcissists CANNOT let go of the control.
SO he will continue to try and find your weak spot, any weak spot to get to you. Stay Strong! Do not engage! Detach! No contact equals no new hurts. Did I say stay strong?
[This message edited by selkiescot at 3:31 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]
I don't think you have found "your truth" yet.
Even when you do find it, sharing ANY of it with him won't give you ANYTHING positive back. Worse, all this "sharing" you've been doing with him has been giving your power away.
I am the only person who can attempt or even qualifies because I'm the only person, including family, that has seen him for who he truly is. Including himself even.
Keep digging, Susp. Eventually you'll see how hubristic that thought is.
Block him, it's not that freaking difficult. Block his number, his email, etc.
So I did the wrong thing by telling him? I have not heard from him since
Symptoms of co-dependency (from PsychCentral.com):
Poor boundaries. Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up whatís yours and somebody elseís, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. Thatís especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other peopleís feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. Itís natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesnít want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isnít taking their advice.
[This message edited by Hope24 at 5:12 AM, September 27th (Friday)]
I could be wrong, but I think you wrote on this thread somewhere he wouldnt confact you again and he has text you.
The fact you dont want to block him, you want to save him and youre still answering his texts is troubling.You have to dig deep within yourself and find out why you are willingly on his fishing pole. Also ask yourself why do you care why the other chicks are gold digging on a millionare, because he and they should not be your problem.
He wont give up because YOU are walking away. He has a severe control issue. YOU have left his control, he didnt self righteously excuse you, that is why he is hot after you. He doesnt love you. Love feels good, it doesnt hurt.
So now ask yourself, deep down why have you not blocked this pos? Why do you still communicate with him? Really, ask yourself why? I think its more than feeling sorry for him? How can you feel sorry for him? He has at least 2 females after his millionare self that he has dated. He is doing fine. Now take care of you...block him. Silence. Silence. Silence.
Well, ditto what the others have said and I'll add in one more thing.
You seem to be putting a lot of emotional stock in the fact that he told one of his current girlfriends that he's still in love with you.
1. He told you that to manipulate you into feeling that you are in a competition with the poor sap he's dating and the prize of his emotions have been given to you. This is simultaneously supposed to make you feel like he's a prize to be won, and that you are lucky for winning him, and want to go back to him.
2. If he did tell his girlfriend that he's still in love with you, he did it to manipulate her into working harder for his affection. Nothing like stirring up some phantom competition to snap a new girl into shape. Keep her feeling like crap about herself, and she's easier to control. Keep the specter of some mythically perfect ex-girlfriend hanging over her head so that when she accidentally boils water the wrong way in his presence, she'll be quick to admit she was wrong. Because he's "still in love with someone else" and therefore she has to work harder to earn his love. Maybe lose 10 lbs and give up beef to show she's still in the running.
[This message edited by circe at 8:43 AM, September 27th (Friday)]
Circe - spot on as always.
I feel sorry for everyone involved in this clusterfuck.
BUT these are grown ass adults so I dont know why I bother. I'm done communicating.
I said my peace. To be honest, I was carrying some guilt (however dysfunctional that is) about the way I disappeared. I was putting myself in his shoes and knew that I would be devastated. I know this thinking is wrong, and I should feel no guilt because I gave him countless chances. And repeated myself ad nauseum. And I warned him that I would dissappear. Many times. This didn't come as any surpise to him. I don't know why i carried so much guilt, maybe because he did so much for me. More than anyone else ever has. Who knows
I have a soft heart. As tough as I appear on the outside to all my friends, coworkers and family, inside I am a big ball of mush. Even to scandalous, lying, manipulating, cheating, controlling assholes. I realize how pathetic it sounds. But he did so much for me.
I am not hung up on the fact that he says he still loves me. I know he lies. And I know that is most likely a lie. And even if it were true, that is sad. I even thought to myself that him telling her that and being that honest, doesn't really ring true.
But then I thought about how women are, and how men like to be at the center of competition between women, so maybe he did say that. Who the fuck knows. Lie or not. I dont care. They can have each other. I am certain he's displayed signs of control or whatever to her by now and if she's ignoring the red flags, she'll have to learn the hard way, just like I did. Maybe the happy ending will be that we are all better people because of this. Just trying to find a silver lining.
I do want my 4+ years back!!!
And I pray every night that i meet the man I'm supposed to be with. But I am ok being alone for the rest of my life as well. My walls are so high, I doubt anyone can break them down and gain my trust wholeheartedly. I wasn't trusting before I met him, so this most likely did a number on me that will last a long time (if I'm so lucky to find a mate)
I really can't thank you all enough for keeping me in check. And keeping up with my saga. I do wish the best for everyone involved. Now it is time to focus on ME and what's best for susp.
I'm moving on 11/2 and normally dread moving, but actually excited about this one. New beginnings. Though I will miss the companionship of my roommate and her dog who I've fallen madly in love with.
I found a brand new apartment, relatively far away from him (our city is not that large) and far away from his usual haunts. I do my best to avoid places he may go to but it is inevitable we will see each other again. Once I get my belongings on 11/2 there will be no need to communicate ever again
I know evryone suggested I get stuff asap, but I'm just not in a financial position to do so. Retail therapy isn't so therapaeutic after all. I will be mad at myself for a long time for A. Staying with him too long and B. Spending so much money to try and kill the pain.
Anyone know of any lucrative part time work for nights and weekends? please inbox me.
I will always be forever greatful to this site and to the wise (and hilarious) people on here. It's hard to laugh when you're devastated but somehow the people on here are able to do that for me.
Much love SI
And to Hope -
Yes sounds very painfully familair. I'm relaitively well versed on co-dependencey and really relate to the second paragraph. I guess the first step is aknowedging, the next step s where I'm at now. - STOPPING THE MADNESS
And Alpha - I HATE that I gave my power away. That kills me more than almost anything else. And I am well aware. I hope I can get at least some of it back.
And sully - I am jealous person and can admit that. Another of the many things I need to work on.
[This message edited by suspicious247 at 9:41 AM, September 27th (Friday)]
WOW! Just read the whole thread, and ... WOW!
You have heard everything here. GREAT STUFF. Nothing I can say that hasn't been said. All you have to do now is trust what you have been told and follow through.
I will share a story with you. This is in a nutshell - to avoid it being too long. I was married to a man who was an emotional abuser. One example:
I got back an irregular papsmear - Class 3. I was told 'borderline cancer'. I needed a procedure called a colposcopy (sp?). I could get an appointment with a woman - in 3 MONTHS or go to a male doctor in 3 DAYS. My husband (at the time) wanted me to WAIT the 3 MONTHS for a test regarding possible cancer - so a man wouldn't "see or touch me".
To my credit, I went to the man - had the procedure - and all was well.
You know what is next, right? My husband called me a whore for going to the man.
BUT...are you ready for what is next? He convienced me of this fact. I actually felt BAD for taking care of myself - for standing up for my health - just because he said it hurt HIM. Never mind that I could have had cancer, and 3 months could have had disasterous effects on my health.
Moving forward to dating my current husband. Once he mentioned going somethere - and I knew I had an appointment with the gynocologist (a male) on that day. I told him that maybe we could do something on another day. Eventually he figured it out and said, "I'm not him." I actually had gone into the "I'm a whore for going to a male gynocologist, and he won't want to be with me" mode!
These guys are good at what they do. And, even worse - they are CALCULATED. That is the cruelest part.
The worst for me was his ability to convince me - a relatively intelligent person - that I was indeed a whore for not letting HIS feelings determine my decision - when I could have perceivably been talking about my life!
They are very sly to keep part of the relationship "believable". If there is enough that is good, logical, etc., then it sucks you in to believe that the craziness must be true, also.
(An example of this would be - not the freakish horror show where knives come out of someone's knuckles - but the type of supernatural movie that has enough 'reality' in it to make you think the 'out there' stuff might possibly be real, too!
I say all that to say this: Please believe me when I tell you that when this is truly behind you - and you 'wake up" as if from out of a cult - you will see it so clearly.
It will SO be worth the effort it will take!
Wishing you a speedy recovery!
I would NEVER be his or any others OW!!!!!!!!!
Suspi, no one said that you would do this.....knowingly.
hey guys me again....
i had a quick question
I am moving on November 2, one month from today. That is when I need to collect my stuff from his warehouse.
When should he be contacted? Is it better to do it asap? Is it better to do it closer to that time?
I only ask because I haven't heard a word from him (thankfully) but it means he is angry with me for calling him out on his abusive behaviors. Should I wait and let the dust settle more? Or shoudl I give him ample time to prepare?
Someone will need to be there to unlock the door and it is a Saturday. They aren't open on Saturdays so someone will have to come in specifically for that.....
And yes I realize I told him weeks ago about this date but knowing him, he's completely forgotten about it.
How much do you need this stuff? (i'm not suggesting either way just asking)
I would send him a very formal email about it and go with someone to collect your things.
That's the only way I would do it if I really needed my things