Unfortunately I spent more money than I'm willing to admit trying to ease the pain and guilt of this breakup. I'm looking for part time work but that has proved to be quite difficult. I really didn't want to resort to bar tending or waiting tables but I think that's the direction I'm headed. I am so stupid and have a lot to learn.
I have updates and need advice or words of encouragement.
If you all remember, my roommate was getting married and I needed to be out of her house by November 1. The apartment I leased is a new construction and was delayed until November 15 (the day OF her wedding - which is a destination wedding). I have fallen out with all of my firends due to lack of support during the breakup. Even lack of believing my claims of abuse. I was ok with all this. I would be fine if I have no friends, as long as they keep making me feel bad about myself, don't wish good things for me, or dont even care to call to see how I'm doing. My roommate was the only person I considered a friend. She knew I didn't have anywhere to go after November 1. She offered me her place to stay when her and fiance left for the wedding which was supposed to be the 8th.
I had no where to stay and no money for a hotel room. I just couldn't come right out and ask someone if I could stay at their place for 18 days. The ex knew of the situation because I panicked when this all happened, and he needed to be involved becasue of my furniture and belongings he still has. He offered me anything and everything I wanted. To help me move. Twice. To give me a place to stay. Anything I needed , I just needed to ask for it. No one else offered to let me stay at thier apartment except for men who I barely knew doing my part time job. (I picked up a liquor/sales promo job to help with the financial mess Im in - I know it's not an excuse and I only have myself to blame, but I spent every dime I had trying to ease the mental torture I was going through). I even maxed out my credit card and am curently way over the limit. I am going to get myself out of this mess if it kills me.
So when I moved I attempted to stay with him the first night. I know you are all probably thinking I'm a compplete dumbass for doing this but I didn't really have another option, and I needed to be in my city to work my part time job (which is mainly at night and on weekends). We were arguing within the first hour I was there.
We continued to argue into the next day and I packed up my things and left sobbing. Later I realized I would have to sleep in my car. I called him back. He told me I could come back but he had plans that night. I came after one of my promo's and I was so down on myself. I have no one to count on. No one who is concerned for my safety and emotional well-being. No one but me. I catch him as he's leaving to go out with his 'friends'. I am beyond upset and may have had a panic attack or a mental break of some sort. He didn't have time to talk to me. He was late meeting his friends. (and let me interject here that he was on time to meet me maybe 5 times in the 4 years we were together - but THIS happened to be more important). He just took off and left me there crying, and knowing how alone in this world I feel. Something inside of me snapped. I took off (with only the clothes on my back) and drove for three hours to my mother's house. (even though I had packed up all my things, he helped me put them back in his house when I returned) I know this is probably going to be confusing.
I stayed there for 5 days and didnt respond to any of his messages the following day or day after. He was worried about me. I left everything there, including my work laptop.
I finally had to come back to get it and to work the part time job again. I asked if I could use his place as a place to sleep ONLY. and I would be gone for the rest of the time. He agreed.
So - I have actually been sleeping with the enemy (in the literal sense - nothing so much as a hug as far as romantically) and I'm living my own worst nightmare right now. My psychiatrist told me I'm in the 1 percentile of people who can endure what I'm going through right now. And I may not be happy, but I am existing and that is more than most people could do. We only communicate by text (not in person if we both happen to be home) and he just denies denies denies everything. ANd it's all my fault. The fact that he left my crying was my fault because I had left him earlier that day. I tried to explain I only left bc he made me feel unwelcome but he wasn't hearing it.
Anyway, so my apartment is ready on Monday and I'll be moving then. Tonight is my last night at his place and he has been out of town so ive had the place to myself. He can be so generous sometimes, and so selfish and heartless at other times. I feel so misunderstood by everyone including my mother. She is hours away and staying at her house made me even more depressed than staying at his. There are lots of bad memories there and lots of bad energy. She is morbidly obese and does nothing but watch tv and eat all day long (she's unemployed). I was not doing well at her house. I got sick. I didn't sleep for days. I didn't eat. I needed to get out of there which is why I've continued to stay at ex's place. I actually prefer that to staying at her place. Pretty unbelievable.
So I come back and he asks where I went. I find out later that he called my ex roommate and they talked for an hour. I haven't heard much from her since I moved out. She was supposed to offer me her place to stay after the wedding and she never followed up. I wasn't about to ask her if it was ok and put her in a bad position just a week before her wedding. So I shut my mouth and stayed with him. But then I find out they talked when I disappeared. And when I drove to my mother's, I sent her a text explaining we were arguing and I couldnt take it and was going back home. In the middle of the night. With only the clothes on my back. I told her he may reach out to her and to not believe anything he says and not divulge where I am. They BOTH lied to me about talking to each other, and I feel that whatever was said during their HOUR long conversation was the main factor in why I wasn't allowed to stay at her place vs his. HE HAS WON HER OVER!!!!!! After living with her for 11 months and talking ad nauseum about him, she now believes he's the normal one and I'm the crazy one. And I'm spending $700 I DONT HAVE to go to her wedding and be around people who I am trying to remove from my life. I feel stabbed in the back by both of them and completely alone in my city. He even used that against me during a fight, that he was the only person willing to help me out so "how could I call him mean or disrespectful."
It's just been awful. He comes back at midnight tonight, and I leave for this godforsaken wedding tomorrow. SO we wont be around each other til the day I move on the 18th. And we agreed that after the 18th it is time to say goodbye.
To add insult to injury, he is no longer trying to get me back. He started dating Miss United States (I wont divulge which year to not identify anyone). THAT is why he was acting so put out by my presence when he BEGGED me to stay with him maybe 50 times before I moved, and told me we'd be fine, no fights, and it would be 'fun.' This is before he met his trophy girl. Now he's competely changed his tune with saying things like "who says I want you back?" and "you will find someone to love, you will be fine" and agreeing to not speak forever after I move (which he would not have been ok with prior to meeting her).
Having your ex date Miss US is not for the faint of heart. I think it would affect even the most confident women out there. I feel so low, so sad, so everything. I can guarantee you all that he does not speak to her the way he spoke and treated me and probably never will since she is so prized in his eyes.
Also, I reached out to his sister recently and asked if his family had ever seen him exhibit anger and the answer was NO!?!?!?! WTF???? This treatment is only for me and I bring it out in him. Even his ex of 5 years (whom his sisters are STILL friends with) never complained about anger or abuse. I just feel crazy, like maybe I made it up in my head. Or that I pushed him to it. And there's something unlovable about me that I would get this treatment from him and me only.
I dont know what I want anyone to say after that missive. I know I will get 2x4s for even staying with him. But I didn't have an alternative. And staying at my mother's house was killing me even more. At least I am eating and sleeping at his place and I'm not sick anymore either. I was sick the entire time I was there. Miserable. I'm miserable now, but in an emotional way not in a physical way.
The girl is beautiful and she will get only his best side. ANd get the part of him that I fell in love with and may never recover from losing. She will most likely never hear a cross word from him, or get the silent treatment. She works out avidly, is involved in 300 charities, goes to church. (howveer I am able to look things up at my employer and she was marked for being "extremely rude" which I dont see very often. Miss Congeniality (she won that too when she won her title) is extremly rude to customer service reps on the phone.
I know I shouldnt be looking, I shouldn't care. But I am human. I am jealous person. Ive taken steps back. I was starting to feel ok until I ran into him and all this ensued. One minute he is begging for me back, asking me to go away with him,telling me everything would change and the next minute is dating Miss US and 'just wants the best for me. and wants me to find a good man."
I suppose I should consider myself lucky that he wants to be with someone else. But like I said, MIss US is not for the faint of heart.'
I needed to vent this. Thanks anyone for reading.
[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:10 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:35 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
The girl is beautiful and she will get only his best side. ANd get the part of him that I fell in love with and may never recover from losing. She will most likely never hear a cross word from him, or get the silent treatment. She works out avidly, is involved in 300 charities, goes to church.
You don't know that she will get his "best side". You don't know that he will never be "cross" with her.
Likely he's grooming her as he groomed you. He's training her, as he trained you. So when his mask slips, she won't notice, or she'll be too afraid to notice.
She can win every pagaent out there, be the most beautiful girl in the world, but that won't keep him from his true nature. Which is breaking a woman down to her base form and turning her into his emotional slave. Making her jump through hoop after hoop just for a morsel of love.
You escaped that. You're free.
THEY are not your responsibility.
Remember, just because the picture looks pretty on the outside, doesn't mean it's not rotten on the inside. They may present the "WE ARE OMG SO HAPPY" picture, when in reality she may be miserable and asking herself "what's wrong with me, why doesn't he love me? why is he nice to everyone but me? why does everyone think I'm the crazy one?"
Move on. Leave them both in the dust.
And free is a wonderful place to be.
but that won't keep him from his true nature. Which is breaking a woman down to her base form and turning her into his emotional slave. Making her jump through hoop after hoop just for a morsel of love.
but what about the fact that is ex of 5 years never complained about it and family doesn't see it? I am no idiot and I believe both of those things. The way I presented the question and the person I asked, this is the truth, I'm 100% positive.
Everyone is different.
Unfortunately maybe you two brought out the worst in each other.
As far as his family goes, I don't see why they would need to see that behavior. He would have no need to "bring them to heel" or control them.
People like this wear many different masks.
Not everyone sees all the faces.
All I can say is that the novelty of Miss Tiara will wear off. And then they're left with who they both really are. Maybe they're compatible, maybe they're not. I do think it's likely he'll try the same shit with her, that he pulled on you.
Focus on YOU. Set your goals. Meet them. Focus on YOU.
These girls are so desperate for a good looking charming "single" millionaire it's shocking. Willing to take second best. I'd be gone so fast the man wouldn't know what hit him if he told me that.
I absolutely do not know you, and I would never want to say anything unkind. So please forgive me for thinking that you have done exactly what you said (above) you wouldn't do.
I think your sadness and your trouble healing comes from knowing that you have been in that situation - willing to take second best.
I have found in multiple situations that hate/anger is NOT the opposite of love/connection. It is apathy. Please remember that you are not "over" the situation with him until you no longer need to affirm your feelings to him. Until - while you may care about his well being as a person - you no longer care what he is doing, if he is with someone else, or if he understands what he has done to you or that you want the best for him. As long as any of that lingers - you are still in his "spell".
Right now, I would cross the road to stop the bleeding if my exhusband had been in an accident. But I would hope I didn't break a nail! I'm kidding - but do you know what I mean? I knew I was "over" him when I not only didn't "love" him any more, and didn't feel hurt by him, but also didn't "hate" him any more.
I know we are not going to talk you out of spending another MILISECOND with him, but I truly hope you can heal after the 18th, when you move.
All the good looks and money in the WORLD is not worth what he has put you through.
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
suspi - he is DOG SHIT on the bottom of your shoe. Scrape it off and move on.
I had no where to stay and no money for a hotel room.
When I was in high school (17 years old) I was kicked out of my mom's house and went to live with dad. Then kicked out of dad's house and lived in a PARK for 3 months.
Yeah. A teenager. Going to high school. No job. Nothing. In. A. Park.
You DO have choices.
GET THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND QUIT GIVING YOURSELF EXCUSES.
btw - who gives a SHIT about miss fucking USA.
Seriously. Quit comparing yourself to her.
YOU HAVE VALUE. Please believe that.
Next time (assuming there WILL be a next time) - please reach out here BEFORE you make any contact with this douche. We are here to help you.
As for the five-year ex - well, I mean, they are exes for some reason, right? And maybe she never saw that ugly side because she never caught him cheating? He just didn't get caught, the wool stayed over her eyes.
It really doesn't matter. He is a sucky cheater. Miss US didn't win a prize by winning him. She won a toad. Find somebody who loves and appreciates YOU and doesn't want YOU to be miss beauty pageant supermodel workout queen whatever. Better yet, YOU love and appreciate yourself, and then it's all the easier for someone else to do that same.
But please get the hell away from this toxic asshole and stop comparing yourself to Miss Vaseline Teeth.
[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:29 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
Its normal to have those emotional ties after a break-up. Those ties do snap...but you have to keep furthering your distance from him. Use his attention toward Miss USA as a chance to run far far away from him. And if your friends are now friends with him, lose them quick.
Why do your friends not see who he really is behind the mask? Because its a mask and he wears it well. And you know of people who are so shocked so and so did that horrible thing because so and so was such a nice person. Sure so and so was a nice person...on the outside.
Why did he treat the ex well and not you? That doesnt matter. What matters is he did treat you like utter shit and you have your chance to run. Run like fucking hell! I had my chance 6 yrs ago. He would have pretty much ignored the kids and I because he had his trophy. I didnt go and now I cant get away from him. Even if I d him, he will stay in our lives and use my kids to torture me. You have your chance, GO AND DONT LOOK BACK!!!!
The wedding? If you dont have the money, excuse yourself from it.
Your main concern is starting your life anew away from him.
[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 12:02 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
Finally fealing peace.
Some of the jokes he made about this job, now I know why. BC it was piddlin to her level
But it really does not stop until you STOP going to him for anything. Just stop. I am going to give you a 2x4 here....you are finding ways even at your lowest point to try and tell us how you just HAD to go back and live there and I think you set yourself up to do just that.
You are broke, you have used up your credit cards, you have used up your friends....all to still somehow keep his guy in your life. Even if you say you don't, you still did just that.
Your very bottom of this whole nightmare is right in front of you but you don't want to see it or acknowledge it. Its right there. You just are not ready.
HE IS ABUSIVE. Period. Don't try to convince anyone of it. You know it. That's all that matters.
Disengage from his family. Disengage from your so called friend. If you have to, have your psych write a letter that you can provide to the airline that says you are unable to travel. They can either give you a flight credit for another date or something, with a dr. note hopefully it won't cost you anything to cancel it and they'll give you a full refund. Cancel the hotel, etc.
Do not go to the wedding.
Do not talk to him anymore.
I honestly think it's time for you to do a REAL 180. Make yourself stop snooping. Make yourself stop obsessing. Make yourself do something different when you find you are thinking like this. Drive a different route to work. Listen to different music. Change the color of your toothbrush if it will erase just one little memory of him. Count every success. You can do this.
Well, for what it's worth, here's what I think.
Him: he's such a classic abuser, of the "wolf in sheep's clothing" profile, that there's zero question of you somehow accidentally mistaking his kindness and normality (thousands of times, over the course of years) for abuse. None.
Incidentally, we all read his emails, word for word. He's abusive. You wouldn't have had to provide a single word of commentary - you could easily have posted "Hi SI! Check out my new wonderful SO!" and then the text of his email, and most of us would have immediately been concerned for your emotional safety. In other words, it wasn't your interpretation that was faulty - it was his personality that shines through in his words and actions.
His "generosity" is his spider web. Real generosity is a loving, kind person who gives from their heart. What he did when he offered you a place to sleep was manipulation. A web. A lure. A carrot. When you were crying? He stepped over your body to leave you in the dust. That's his true nature. You were in emotional turmoil, and he saw it not as a moment to comfort or protect you, but as a moment of weakness to use against you, by calling your soon to be married "friend" and poisoning the well still further. He cut off your last shreds of support, yet again. Sociopaths do that. That's their way. Weakness = chance to control.
His dating "Miss Whatever"- yeah, that's got to burn, considering how shallow he is and that it's therefore a sign that his ego can be fed by her pageant title, but in the context of your life? It will make a funny story some day. "Oh, my psycho ex puffed up like a turkey dating some pageant princess." If one of my friends told me that story I'd giggle, imagining the guy's gym muscles and anti-salt crusade, dating a grown up toddler-in-tiara.
And of course his sister doesn't see him as abusive. The family tends not to, as he doesn't have to control them as overtly as he does his girlfriends. Oh, and the girlfriends who don't have a lot of fight in them? Don't have to be controlled as much. My abusive ex's ex-girlfriend was very happy to go along with his needs and wants. She was happy to be dominated in their relationship - though he did cheat on her. Guys like that aren't ever content without a new conquest/scheme happening in the background.
In any case, you're not crazy, you're not making it up, his words are clear as a bell to anyone who reads them.
You: I think you need to work out some of your issues, susp. I say this with caring and respect. Your "friend" having the wedding? Her behavior is atrocious, though in a different way. I feel kind of like you surround yourself with people who are a bit.. I don't know, self-involved or overbearing? Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't imagine any of my friends listening to me hesitantly say that I thought I was being abused in my relationship, and telling me I was wrong, lying, making it up or crazy. My friends would put me first and try to work out how they could help me. And NOT because I'm a terrific person who is so awesome that friends line up to help me - I'm not at all. But because most people are good people, and most people see their friends and loved ones in pain and try to help. Sure, there might be the odd person who you thought was a friend but it turned out that when you needed them, they sucked ass. But not EVERYone.
I'm just wondering if the pattern of all these people you had every right to depend on abandoning you at the worst moment doesn't have something to do with you choosing the same kind of person over and over to bring into your life? I'm not a psychologist, but I do wonder if your "picker" is skewed, and if maybe you could work your way into friends and relationships that value you as much as you deserve. I feel like making the choice to stay at your psycho ex's house was incredibly self destructive, no matter your rationalizations, and that on some level you know this but still don't love or trust yourself enough to keep yourself safe? Again, this is not a bash of you in the least. We all have things that skew our decisions, and sometimes we need a push to see how much value we have, and how we can show ourselves more love.
[This message edited by circe at 9:04 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]