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He wont propose because I dont view health as importance as he

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Holly-Isis posted 4/1/2013 20:16 PM

I'm sure you will have all kinds of cravings when you're pregnant. Just because you crave them however doesn't mean you gotta give in every time. And I'm not saying "you" as in you, I'm saying it in general

I'm sorry. I got a Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes vibe.

Even if you think you want to try to live up to his idea of perfection, imagine a child of yours trying to do the same. A lifetime of feeling unlovable and unworthy because Daddy feels like everyone should live up to his standards. Except him...he gets passes when he has weak moments.

sullymeishadomi posted 4/1/2013 20:33 PM

How high was the soap box he was standing upon.

Im not sure if I can explain this correctly, but he is spewing as if he knows all and is trying to punish you into being "good" which in normal language is an abusive put down while masquarading as being kind ans helpful. Im in an emotional abusive relationship...btdt.

It sounds like he is from near where I presently live.

Seriously, doll, please shut this fool down hard and quick. It only gets worse. This guy is abusive and controlling. He is just trying to masquarade himself.

It is true what you eat affects you in ways he said, but he has no right what so ever to put demands on you. Love is unconditional. Love is there no matter what you eat, what you look like, etc. This guy does not love you....not in a way that wont hurt.

hitbyatruck posted 4/1/2013 20:37 PM


I go go into why *I* feel that way but you need to feel it.

You are better than any offer he could make you.

Run. Run fast.

Sad in AZ posted 4/1/2013 20:39 PM

Well, that was touching and romantic **dripping with sarcasm**

I only read it because you're struggling with this guy, but if it were meant for me, my eyes would have glazed over after the first two lines. Holly-Isis hit in on the head: Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes.

Run, Forrest. Run!

suspicious247 posted 4/1/2013 20:42 PM

The latest after I responded (not so nicely)

Don't bother it won't get us anywhere. The entire time I was writing my text I was focused on positive energy. Not one did I want to or think that I was preaching and that I know better than you. It wasn't all me, me, me. You asked me to explain my feelings on the topic and I did. And boy am I sorry I did. Because your email response to my text was so off point. I don't want to explain my feelings anymore. They just get passed around to other people anyway. I will keep them to myself from now on. That way our relationship doesn't have to be the talk of the town. I don't read your texts and emails to my friends. The nerve of me to think I could write something about myself and have you take it at face value and not bash me for it...

Sad in AZ posted 4/1/2013 20:44 PM

Stop corresponding with him. Just stop. Nothing good is going to come of this.

suspicious247 posted 4/1/2013 20:45 PM

I told him I ran this by a health work out nut

Mousse242 posted 4/1/2013 20:45 PM

Stop engaging with him now.

Hon, this is what you said:

I dont know why he can't say "you're not the one"

He is telling you, just not verbally. Get the hell out of this relationship. Split what you need to, find a place of your own. Get out of the relationship.

suspicious247 posted 4/1/2013 20:47 PM

That was the last correspondence I plan to have. If I could only wipe from memory too.

SouthernGal posted 4/1/2013 22:00 PM

I call bullshit ... He won't propose because he doesn't want to get married.

Sorry, but his "reason" is just nonsense and it all boils down to the fact that he just doesn't want to propose to you. He's just not that into you - which is to say not as into you as he is into himself.

Consider yourself to have dodged a major bullet and give yourself permission to move on.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 10:11 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

solus sto posted 4/1/2013 22:07 PM

He keeps saying this isn't about looks. It has to do with living a long and healthy life. And it's really important to him to honor your body and he needs someone who does the same.

Oh, bullshit. It has nothing to do with honoring himself, you, or anyone else. It's about control.

Happy relationships foster long and healthy lives. Relationships with critical, controlling partners do the opposite. Stats back this up.

This is not a man who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, unconditionally. I hope you see this---or at least elevate your expectations of him--before you agree to marry him or start a family.

If he is playing the "your body is your temple" game, he needs to do some housekeeping of his own temple. Starting with some serious IC to locate some boundaries---then, perhaps, some premarital counseling to re-tool your relationship dynamic.

(I don't buy the "body is a temple" excuse. Sorry. A man who believes this does not pollute his life with other women. He holds himself to high standards when it comes to conduct---not just food and exercise.)

You will need to make a significant time investment to allow him time to become an emotionally safe partner for you, and a safe parent for the children you wish to have. He is NOT safe now. Not for you, and not for children.

I know you're now backpedaling a bit, and excusing his words. But later, when your mind is quieter, stop to think about it. Is this an investment worth making? Or might you be better off investing time in a new relationship with someone worthy of your love---someone who loves you for you?

(Or, even, having a baby on your own?)

Ticking biological clock or not, if he's not the right guy for you, you should not marry him. Only you can decide whether he's the guy---but what you've written of him (and what he's written, even more) shows, quite glaringly, that he does not respect you the way a man should respect his life partner.

You don't seem ready to hear this--but honestly, you need to BEFORE you make decisions about marriage and children. Children change everything.

Do you see that what he's written is narcissistic and controlling? (Dear Lord, is he actually already contemplating how he will control your pregnancy cravings?!?!?!) That he's condescending and patronizing? That the words are the words of a man who wants to control, not love? Are you willing to let the man who wrote it impress these "values" upon children---children who might NOT be interested in sports, who might prefer the library to the field, who might develop prepubescent pudge that is utterly unrelated to eating or exercise but is clearly repugnant to their father?

This man does not accept people the way they are. And children have an uncanny way of ...well, being who they are---as well they shouldbe. You may be willing to accept this nonsense. But are you willing to entrust the emotional well-being of your children to this man?

Given his history, and his current irrational demands of you (Castigation for drinking Sprite? Really??), your willingness to excuse his behavior warrants exploration in IC, too--whether you opt to stick with him or not.

As much as you want children, you NEED the right father for them. Sometimes, that means saying goodbye to a guy you've spent years convincing yourself loves you....and finding alternatives. Adoption. Artificial insemination. Fostering. Falling in love with a man who loves you as you deserve to be loved.

Telling yourself stories to make yourself believe the wrong guy is Mr. Right is NOT the way to approach starting a family.

Really, it's not.

You're clearly not comfortable with the situation, or you wouldn't be posting here. What do you need to get un-stuck?

gonnabe2016 posted 4/1/2013 22:42 PM

Suspi, this guy is bad news. I know that it hard and upsetting to accept....your decision to cut contact with him is the right one.

He's dangerous because he's controlling and very manipulative. Solus mentioned condescending and patronizing...and she's right. His words are just oozing with *creeped* me out. He is very masterful at subtly implying that there is something wrong with YOU....and all because you are just being,

One of his statements that I found highly disturbing was his reference to the pregnancy cravings. And how *big* of him, the one that will NEVER feel one of those *I will kill you in your sleep if you do NOT get me ThinMint GirlScout cookies RIGHT NOW!!!* moments, to *lecture* you about not giving in to those cravings. ???? My first thought when I read that was "fuck off, you hypocritical douche." Maybe if *he* were able to *not give in* to HIS cravings for other women, then YOU wouldn't be in this fine mess in the first place! Pot --> kettle.

And yea....this guy is going to make any children that he fathers just miserable.

I'm sorry, Suspi. {{{hugs}}}

Thera77 posted 4/1/2013 23:41 PM

My eyes hurt after reading all of that.

But I do love that your depression, sadness, hormone imbalance (so he says) and trust issues are all related to your supposed french fry habit and lacking exercise routine. Oh Brother. Pass.

He's correct on one point. You do need to do some cardio - and run as far away from him as you can.

Bluebird26 posted 4/2/2013 01:51 AM

I'm sorry he is a jerk, move on. No one deserves conditional love or a proposal with conditions.

Matisse posted 4/2/2013 05:49 AM

Suspicious, you have made the right decision to end your relationship with him. When you broke up with him, he told you he would "let you go." That's very significant, he's telling you its his decision whether you get to break up with him.

He waits a while and then tells you if he can control what you eat, he will propose. Men who want to control every aspect of your life always start with food. If you really want to eat lettuce the rest of your life, marry him. Every time you dare look at Thousand Island dressing, he will berate you. If that doesn't work, he'll sulk. If that doesn't work and you still insist on a teaspoon of Thousand Island dressing on your salad - he'll make the rest of the night miserable for you.

He writes you a letter bashing you for poor eating habits, but he doesn't even outline the changes you need to make. Why? Because it's going to be fluid, on the days he needs more power, everything you eat will be wrong - even though he approved all of it the week before.

You respond to the letter and he tells you that you've bashed him. I guess he didn't notice that in his letter to you - he bashed you for poor eating and exercise habits and distrusting that he knows what is right.

Then - here's the big one, the one you really have to watch out for. He admonishes you for discussing his letter with someone else, making the relationship the talk of the town. That is code for 'I want to isolate you, make sure I have sole influence over you.' He will distance you from friends and family.

Suspicious, four years with this guy is not a long time. Over a lifetime of 80 years - it's nothing. Give him 20 years, that's a long time. Make the break up stick this time.

As for being 36 years old - that is the perfect age to be single and dating. You're old enough to know a man that is going to be nothing but trouble and young enough that you aren't so set in your ways that you can't adjust to sharing your life with someone.

You are also no where near the end of your biological clock. It's ticking - but you have years left to have children. Don't have children with someone like this man. There are better men out there. Men that will love you for you and won't monitor every bite you take so he can feel powerful.

A friend of mine had twins last year at age 50. You have plenty of time to meet the perfect man for you and fall in love. Give yourself that chance. You deserve it. You do not deserve to be saddled with the boyfriend you just ended it with.

The next time he texts, emails or calls - tell him you do not want to marry him. You do not want to date him. You have ended the relationship and any further contact from him will be considered harassment. Close the door on him and don't communicate with him again. Then open the door to the rest of your life, its waiting for you.

solus sto posted 4/2/2013 06:21 AM

^^^^^ Matisse is right on the money. I missed the isolation aspect when I responded earlier, but now I have the chills, because his intention to isolate you from others is right there in black and white.

Honey, I'm sorry for the advice you're getting here, including mine. Please know that none of us likes giving it. We're not bitter man-haters; we just have unfortunate experience.

I'm so sorry the man you believed to be the man of your dreams is not. While I think you've made the right decision, I know it hurts--a LOT. I am so sorry for your pain. This will be meaningless now, when you're in the midst of it, but it DOES get better.

Millions of hugs to you. This is a great group, and I hope you'll stick around. You've been betrayed, and there is no better place to work through that and get in a good place for another relationship than SI (and an IC's office; a good IC is worth her/his weight in gold, too).

Heavy Sigh posted 4/2/2013 06:25 AM

This guy sounds as if he's still training for the Olympics without realizing that he hisn't ever going - hoping life will be perfect as soon as he does more lifts or gets his protein to kale proportions just right. Like women who dress up and obsessively put on makeup to look pretty and wait to be crowned princess one day - then one day they're 62 and look good for their age but that's all they have to show for their lives, waiting for some moment of fulfillment and they get desperate and get those weird face surgeries and exaggerated lips. All dressed up and waiting, not realizing life is what you invest in others.

The person who isn't healthy in this relationship is HIM.

When he's on his death bed one day he will look back and have no memories except of the gym, running and he will probably traumatize your kids because he will criticize them as an excuse not to spend time with them and tend to his own obsessions, just as he does with you. Talk about self-absorbed. He's basically telling you he hasn't grown emotionally or mentally since high school, and that you're welcome to exercise beside him but not to expect much more but criticism from him.

You'll never meet his ideal because he can't. He seems to have a form of manorexia. It's neurotic self-absorption to say the least, and what's this issue with his mom for being six years older than his dad, to where he idolizes his dad? Might be a form of unaddressed hyperactivity, or he's pushing back some bad, bad memories or feelings through exercise, or seeking approval of his dad, even if in his own head just trying to meet it? His dad probably used work to avoid distractions of a kid. I'm sure at 36 or 46 or 56 his mom was not falling-apart elderly just because his dad was 30, 40 and 50.

Uncertainone shows exactly how this man's life is in an imbalanced state of self-absorption and making exercise and raw foods his religion, hoping to fill some empty space that won't be filled by those things.

Tell him, fine, but you value mental stimulation and while he was running around whacking this and kicking that you found him sorely lacking in that area. You'd like him to commit to expanding his mind and breadth.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 6:46 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

windowsnotwalls posted 4/2/2013 06:26 AM

Wow, really felt for you in your opening, as although the actual events differ, the entire mindset of the the events (both yours and his) hit very close to home for me and MrWNW....

I know the hardest thing now is wiping him from your mind as you said. It is possible. It'll happen quicker than you think. You already cut him loose for 4months once, each subsequent time gets a little easier.

NC, NC HARD, even mental NC, no listening to songs, no reading old emails, delete them all, clear your entire email so you have nothing to go back and devastate yourself over. Guys like this like to leave little "trinkets" behind to remind us of them. MrWNW had given me a 50 skeleton key attached with all kinds of amazing meaning to it supposedly. I stopped wearing it, but I refused to throw it out, left it in a drawer, which I'd see from time to time and just be crushed. Throw all that kind of shit AWAY!

It's a bum deal. You made a huge investment, very valuable years of your life, and it had little return, if it hasn't even been a loss. (I'd assume the latter, actually, though.) Do you keep investing in a bad investment...or do you pull your funds and try to rebalance and reinvest?

I know ALL about being the boomerang girl, about wanting all you've gone through to MEAN something, about the fear that losing you will wake him up and the NEXT girl will get all the benefits of some amazing guy that YOU did the work to achieve...... UTTER BULLSHIT!

There's no happy ending for anyone here but you. You're clearly taking steps to achieve that. Read through the New Beginnings threads, through the Divorce/Separation threads.....gain strength in relating to others who once thought someone their soulmate but have truly found a greater happiness on their own or with another. You can do this, and you CAN be happy....soon as you put the trash on the curb.

I have "So You're In Love with a Narcissist", kindle edition. PM me your email address, and I'll loan it to you from my kindle account.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 6:32 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

realitybites posted 4/2/2013 06:34 AM

Lets get back to the part of why you are here.

Has he done anything at all as far as transparency, passwords, IC for himself, etc....???

What has he done for you to make you feel safe in this relationship? I read your profile, you have asked repeatedly to get answers and you have gotten none.

And now he uses the ultimate trump card of making you feel lower then low and manipulating you to back off and do things his way.

And yet he still has not proposed, nor has he allowed you into his personal life.

He has not given in on one thing yet lectures you.

Don't engage with him anymore. The only thing I would say back is "You are right, I am not good enough for you." And drop him like yesterdays leftovers.

That way he can be right and you can run!

This is a smoke screen at its very best

itainteasy posted 4/2/2013 06:43 AM

Sure you should eat healthy. Sure you should work out.

But you can do those things AND still give yourself a treat every now and then. It's about compromise, and balance.

His novels all read to me like he just can't believe you're not adoring him and hanging on to his every word anymore, so he GUESSES he'll settle and marry and you and give you babies (what you want), so you'll give him what he wants (never ending worship).

And seriously. Good for him, oh great king of endurance.

The biggest rule of any lifestyle change is that you have to want to do it for YOU, not for anyone else, or it won't ever stick. And then what happens? You "commit" to his healthy food only and working out every day---he marries you, and one day you want a soda so he goes out and cheats?

"you had a SODA, that wasn't the deal, so I had an affair."

That's where I see this going.

I agree with the other posters: Don't go back.

luvedmypbear posted 4/2/2013 06:55 AM


Please use me as a cautionary tale....
I wasted well over a decade with a man like yours and no good can come of it.

I'm also 36, BTW and believe me, you have many options in the relationship world if you are open to them.

My ex controlled everything: food, clothes, exercise (he thought I worked out too much)....
I was too fat (while pregnant)


I was too skinny


my boobs were too small (really? they were the same size they had been for 12 years but today it was an issue??)

madenning stuff

mine is mentally ill....combat ptsd with a sprinkling of borderline personality disorder....combined with a controlling mother and an absent father and he was a flipping nightmare.

Literally slept with everyone female who was nice to him.
lied about everything
never helped with our kids (not even a diaper change)

said he loved me a million times per day but did not show that he did ever

and you know what? I feel sorry for the guy because he could get help and get better but he is having too much fun lying to everyone and screwing everyone!

I wish I had followed my gut in 1999, seriously.
I suspected a lie back then and it was confirmed a few years later and it really should have been it.

My only regret is meeting the wrong guy and giving him the wrong finger......

I love my kids, the only joy he ever gave me, even though he didn't intend to and didn't want them.
but if they had a father who loved them and acted like it, their lives would be so much better.

Don't be me in 10 years.

You can do much better....there is no happiness at this fork in the road.

[This message edited by luvedmypbear at 6:57 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

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