What will you do next time? Can you have a game plan so you don't snap next time? Why did her trigger cause you to snap?
TBH eventually the berating has to stop but if you are fresh into this then you need to realize how raw her pain is. I'm tired so this may not have come out great but I hope it helped.
No longer together
"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."
In my really bad moments, I have said some horrible things to my fWH and shouted and screamed. Once or twice, he has snapped back and yes, that makes it worse. He once told me to "get a life", which was what I though I had before he broke it.
Most of the time,however, he has been really patient and tries to be understanding. When I calm down after a raging session ( they are getting less and less as time goes on and we work through it), I really appreciate how strong he is being. I feel bad at the shit I've thrown in his face repeatedly. I must appear to have gone on and on about the same thing again and again. It is because, the fear, the sense of rejection , the feeling worthless and unloved is with us all the time and we just want things to get better. Once we get through it, and things improve, it does get better. I think that you have to allow for that ranting and raving though
My husband remaining calm in spite of my raving has really helped ( I know it's really hard). I can understand why you would snap, but please stay strong and help your BS through this. If you snap back, when we are being irrational, it takes you back a few steps.
One thing that has helped me is to write down my feelings Ina mood diary each day. I rant and rave there. It reduces me ranting at fWH. After three months, I shared the diary and that has helped. He can see the things that wind me up and the things that help me. Writing it down takes away some of the anger and would enable you to give a considered response rather than snapping.
Good luck to you. Keep trying.
Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09
I think its good that you care and recognize that your wife was hurting and shaking, and cared enought to realize that you shouldnt have snapped.
It is so hard being the one that was betrayed. It is SO painful. It hurts all of the time, every day. We think about it (in the early days) every single day...as soon as we wake up and when we go to bed. Everything could be a potential trigger. Please be patient with her.
This is an opportunity to gain some important insight and start some honest communication. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try to use that post as a way to connect with what she's going through.
You can do this.
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
Hurtmywife's story moved me to tears because my STBXH shows such a lack of remorse or sorrow for ruining my life and altering our daughter's. I am so pleased that you did not run when your wife got upset because I don't have that with WH any longer. He used to comfort me and now he runs back out the door.
I am so pleased and jealous when I read a post with one of a WS who feels remorse. And I would like to ask opinions for why mine does not?
OW is this magical person to him who's farts don't smell, but she has fits at him-he says-then takes him back.
So I guess I don't understand why he tolerates that from her but acts in such a way when he is with his "family" he gave up?
I wish you luck, HurtMW. I can say that in my experience as a BS, I was triggered during false R with some posts about A's and one was types of A's and why a married person may seek them.
When I get as upset as you and she have been, I work really hard to clamp my mouth shut and just breath and count. Then I haven't said words I can't take back, but it took a long, long time to get that far-and I slip.
I have tried til I cry to learn what he was thinking when he said that first lie to OW and told her he was a widower...what was in his mind to make the "opportunity" happen, when he had someone so willing at home he's known for 20 years?
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Talking raspy and said take a look at this post its you but it was like we were back to day 1.
If you want to reconcile, I would lose this mindset. It isn't going away in 3 and 1/2 weeks. You, my friend, are just getting started in a very long, very painful process. Hopefully a process that leads to the both of you healing.
But, you are just beginning to experience the fall-out. So is your wife, once it sinks in...good chance her anger and despair is 100 times worse than Day 1.
My wife used to snap at me too, then I would snap back..then everything would go to hell. It's tough, I know it wasn't easy for either my FWW or me, but we stuck with it and built something better..with TIME..LOTS OF TIME. Be patient, don't expect her to get better every single day. There are ups and downs..and some of these downs are going to be worse than day one. It doesn't mean she isn't healing..it's part of processing and accepting.
[This message edited by wonderboy at 3:31 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]
1. Expect to be hurt again. My wife told me many times things that I couldn’t imagine. Yes I have deserved all of them, but I couldn’t imagine them. Every time a new “biggest of all” insult flew in my face, I lost cool. I told myself many times “she can not say anything worse than this” and every time, there were worse things to say. I told myself I will be prepared next time, but I was not. The pain we WS’s have caused is so huge and so deep, that we can not imagine the effects it causes on our beloved ones. What complicates things more is that we are, if we are truly remorseful, in the constant emotional state of emitting love and sorrow, which puts us at the completely opposite spectrum of emotions. That is why it hurts 10 times more than it would normally do. So, if you don’t want to snap again, get prepared for even worse insults.
2. Every time the serious insult comes, you lose your cool, but during the argument, it looks to you like this is a “final straw”, deal breaker, and you are ready to say what you don’t even seriously think. Like a proper fight, every time you engage fully, you are not going to fight with one hand only, but, you will came at your opponent with everything you have. And, it is human nature, some of your most powerful weapons are insults and things we don’t really think but we are sure, even on subconscious level, that will hurt the most. So, those insults are not a “final straw” and you are not prepared to walk out and give up on everything. It is wrong to think this way, it is only your anger talking to you. You must be very careful what you will say, because, fight will go away, anger will go away, but the words you said will stay there forever.
3. After the fight, or after you snapped, you will cool down, start looking at what happened, analyze and understand that you didn’t have the right to say what you have said. You can apologize. But, you can apologize only so many times. Like you can snap only so many times. If apologies are many, they become irrelevant.
On your question – Has anybody snapped by mistake? Yes, everybody has, because, it is a mistake to do it anyway. And every time I hurt my wife even more and distanced myself even more from her. I realized that most of the times in the fight, the thing that would hurt the most was my powerlessness and the ugly face of my deeds. And that would scare me the most and produce the anger I felt. I was angry at myself and somehow, channeled it to my wife. Did this knowledge help me in any way? I don’t know? We don’t fight that much any more, but, than again, I think it is because my wife gave up on me completely.