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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Starting to see her main issues...
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BW asks a ton of questions about the A. I answer them to the best of my ability. Sometimes she doesn't like the answers. They are too vague. Some questions she has troubles with the answer. As far as I can tell the main issues or concerns she has are as follows:

She thinks I wanted to have an affair. If I wanted to have an affair then I wouldn't have been married in the first place. I didn't go looking for someone to ruin my BW life with. I never thought I would do it in the first place. Sure it progressed quickly and went on far too long but actually looking for someone else I was not.

She thinks I was in love with the AP. Being with the AP as long as I was sure does look like I was. I did have a feeling of being wanted. It did make me feel good. I did text her quite a bit. I did see her bit not as much as my BW thinks. There were times when the AP and I would text and a month would pass before I would physically see her. There were other times I would see her for five minutes. I never saw here for a period of a few hours at a time and even that was rare. Sure I probably could have seen her more but all I needed was to have her make me feel like a superstar and I was good. Love no. Fondness or however you describe it probably yes. I can tell you she wasn't attractive. It was just how fond I was of the attention and distraction.

You or our DD meant nothing. Both meant a ton to me. I was freaked out with our DD as I didn't know what to expect. She has become a joy. The same goes with my BW. I didn't know what my BW was doing. Much of the time I thought I was useless but now realize that she was trying to better me.

You never appreciated me. I will admit that it seems that way. It kind of goes with the previous question. I thought she was criticizing me and all she was doing was trying to make me a better person. I took it as a negative where I should have taken it as a positive. I didn't appreciate her for it and all the stuff she did for me because if it. It's so apparent when you look at it with a clear mind.

There are more. I can't think of them right now. I will add them to the post when they cross my mind. Thank you for listening.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She thinks I was in love with the AP. Being with the AP as long as I was sure does look like I was.

You or our DD meant nothing. Both meant a ton to me.

It sounds like she might fear that the AP was special to you. Did your time spent with the AP increase or decrease at points during your A? If the time with the AP increased over time or if the lies and excuses to go see her increased, it can look like an increased attachment to the AP.

What is special to you about your wife? Make a list. How do you show her appreciation for those individual things you find precious about her?

When is your baby due? Is it also possible that she's feeling extra self-conscious because she's pregnant and her body isn't her usual self? Is her pregnancy a trigger - you were in the A during the first pregnancy, correct?

Keep digging. You're doing the work.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3902 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written the post myself.

Just keep the lines of communication open, and keep being honest with her. As you understand your why's, it might answer her concerns as well. Remember it's about rebuilding the trust.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The time both increased and decreased but towards the end it increased quite a bit. I saw the AP on more occasions, I even stayed over at her place. The PA also increased.

This is the biggest main issue my BW has with it all. How could I be trying to stop things if it looked like it increased. All I can say is I'm glad it was over. The AP meant nothing because after D Day there was nothing there. No feelings for her. No sorrow. No missing her. This of course doesn't help my BW at all. I just keep looking back at it and wonder what was wrong with me. Why did I ruin my BW who is a wonderful person for someone that I could care less about her well being. I am so upset at myself most days.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but now realize that she was trying to better me.

all she was doing was trying to make me a better person.

This doesn't make a spouse great it makes them co-dependent. Almost every post I can remember from you is about your spouse and how this impacted her. At what point will the focus to fix you happen? And for you to see what you did to yourself?

And if you think the quotes I highlighted are healthy then are you sure you have a clear mind yet? Took me 6 months to start to see on my own, with some clear thinking..

[This message edited by hardlessons at 5:18 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good response HL about the codependancy aspect. I have been like that with my BH. If only I word it in this way and tell him how to think/feel/act then he will change, and GET IT, and be just like me!! (yup. coz Ive got it so nailed right?). Yeah right!

Sam, funnily enough you sound abit like my BH. There is a passivity in there, and I reckon passive behaviour comes from unexpressed anger. And also resentment at never feeling good enough, at not trusting that you can be OK without being coached by your BW.

Just some initial things that jumped out for me.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 255 | Registered: Feb 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The AP meant nothing because after D Day there was nothing there. No feelings for her. No sorrow. No missing her. This of course doesn't help my BW at all.

It is really good that the AP doesn't mean anything to you now. But I would imagine your BW might have a hard time believing that the AP never meant anything to you. Has she asked you what AP meant to you while you were in the A? Why the time increased? What was special that you shared with the AP that you didn't share with your wife?

These are painful questions. Is it possible that by only hearing that the AP means nothing to you now, feels like minimizing to her because the AP must have shared something with you during the two years you were cheating with her? The AP might not mean anything to you now, but maybe your BW is trying to piece together what she missed those two years that you gave to your AP. She might want to know what she's mourning.

It is a good realization that what you were looking for was external validation, and that the AP wasn't special. But your wife probably feels that something special was lost between you two because at the time, you probably felt that what you had with the AP was very real.

At what point will the focus to fix you happen? And for you to see what you did to yourself?

This is a very important question as well. What are you working on for yourself? What are you struggling with right now?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3902 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has asked me many of those questions and has a hard time believing me. I also wish it was shorter like two years but it was three and a half which makes it worse. I found the AP to be a crutch. She was just someone who made me feel different then I felt. I never shared more with her then my BW and actually quite a bit less. My BW knew so much more about me and the AP so little.

I've been going to IC and on ADs. I just get frustrated with myself looking atvhow I've destroyed a person. That's my biggest struggle.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just get frustrated with myself looking atvhow I've destroyed a person. That's my biggest struggle.

No Sam, that is your excuse or passive way of not digging in on you. What are you reading? What are you working on in IC?

I know that when I started digging in some shit scared the hell out of me and I wanted to just look at TG and how she felt, what was she doing, what I did. In the end it just kept me from doing the work that needed to be done..


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading not just friends. I'm slowly getting through it. I'm off work as of Friday evening until the beginning of May so I hope to have it finished quickly. I bookmark things that catch my attention so I can go back later to actually analyze them.

IC has been discussing a wide range of things. What I think of myself. How I think I my BW. How my work really makes me feel. How I cope with stresses in my life.

I really hope to spend my time off being with my family and the new DS when he arrives. I hope to look at what I have and why I had issues with myself and why I thought I couldn't help myself.

[This message edited by Sam793 at 9:17 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
WPaul
♂ New Member
Member # 35166
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BW asks a ton of questions about the A. I answer them to the best of my ability. Sometimes she doesn't like the answers. They are too vague. Some questions she has troubles with the answer. As far as I can tell the main issues or concerns she has are as follows:

Yup, this rings definite bells with me. I answer to the best of my ability too, but things she is asking about are three or four years ago and I just cannot remember.

I also never thought I would do this :-(

You or our DD meant nothing. Both meant a ton to me. I was freaked out with our DD as I didn't know what to expect. She has become a joy. The same goes with my BW. I didn't know what my BW was doing. Much of the time I thought I was useless but now realize that she was trying to better me.

My BW again says exactly the same thing, and I have to admit that my behaviour indicates they were not at the top of my priority list, as they should have been.

You're not the only one... My BW is saying almost exactly the same things about me. With good reason. I was a shit. Its two years after the affair ended now, and she is still not anywhere close to being okay with me. She now says she's "detaching" :-(


me=47 yr old FWH
wife=43 yr old BS
DS 3

Posts: 42 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Southern UK
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has asked me many of those questions and has a hard time believing me.

And sometimes what it takes is time, consistency, and compassion. You might have everything out there, and what's left is the healing. She might not believe for a very long time, because she's still in shock that this is reality. That's the rollercoaster. Stay the course.

How I cope with stresses in my life.

why I thought I couldn't help myself.

How do you cope with stresses in your life? Do you believe in yourself? What do you want to build first?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3902 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to cope with stresses by running and hiding. Now I deal with them a little better. I confront them but still have issues working through them. I need better focus with that aspect.

I have great intentions. Always have. When I put my mind to things I succeed. It's just getting the push to do them. I would love to build a greater foundation with family while working on my own.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 13

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