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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dirty Windows
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. She says, "That laundry is not very clean. She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looks on, remaining silent.

Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments.

A month later, the young woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?" The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.

I saw the above story on Facebook this morning and kinda liked it.

My dirty windows prevented me from seeing what I had in front of me all along. Everything I saw was tainted and blemished because I was looking thru glass that was smudged, filthy, and covered in fingerprints.

I could and would find fault with everyone and everything. After all, I was ok. There was nothing wrong with me right!?

It wasn't till I broke out the Windex and paper towels and started cleaning my windows that I realized how distorted my view was.

As I clean each pane in my window, the view gets clearer. Sometimes it's a drag. The paper towel tears. A pane is almost clean and I see a smudge I missed. Some spots take more scrubbing. Some days my arm gets tired. I feel like I can't hold it up and wash anymore. But then my window is only half clean. How useless is that!? So I switch hands. Even though scrubbing with my left is a little awkward and slower, I keep going.

So should you Waywards. Clean your dirty windows. I've heard it's worth it in the end.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6259 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
unforgivable5
♂ Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you so much for posting this. Its nice to allow the sunshine in too


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice one. IMO, applies beyond the infidelity stuff.

So should you Waywards. Clean your dirty windows.

I think does not matter BS or WS.

t/j

I could and would find fault with everyone and everything. After all, I was ok. There was nothing wrong with me right!?

EF did that. A LOT!
end t/j


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
EmotionalFool
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL!!! I typed exact reply as CL!!


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading this story, I can't help wondering what his next cleaning project's gonna be. I'm betting he has welcome silence with his morning coffee

Kinda reminds me of another little bon mot I really like. Worry not about the speck in your brother's eye but the board in your own.

CL's quite right. Very important regardless of the alphabet soup.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a beautiful post. Thanks. I needed that today.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 473 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could and would find fault with everyone and everything. After all, I was ok. There was nothing wrong with me right!?

No faults with me OR my choice of AP. Of course. Everything was so "perfect".

I've said this before to Heart:

The Brain is the most worthless organ we have at times. Why? Because its entire motivation is (A) self-sustainability/survival and (B) self-reward.

Granted, it regulates a great many of our body functions, but it does so in a rather slipshod manner. I mean, our Brains think they need to be top priority in the oxygenation chain, even though lungs and heart do all the work in getting the oxygen to the Brain. That's why extremities lose blood first, until all that's left is heart, lungs, and Brain.

How does it manage this iron grip of the body's resources? Oh, it just tells the rest of our bodies that it needs to be in charge, and there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it.

Also, the Brain loves to make us feel like we are the epitome of "status quo." Unless its resources are being depleted somehow (lack of oxygenated blood or food), we're "probably okay." All mental disorders are part of "status quo," because Brain doesn't see anything wrong, sort of like why drunk/high people think they're perfectly okay to do complicated physical activities. It's like not knowing how much damage something has taken because the 'damage control sensor' got damaged.

Therefore, because we're just "fine and dandy," everyone else must be the problem. Lacking objectivity, we only have ourselves (Brain) as a resource for determining what's right, wrong, and otherwise. Again, if Brain is damaged/blind to problems, there's not a damn thing that we're going to be able to notice until someone objectively points it out to us.

Furthermore, since Brain is addicted to feel-good chemicals, we are driven to seek activities and situations in which Brain can flood itself with feel-good chemicals. So, again, unless we use an objective method of looking at ourselves, Brain has us hoodwinked into thinking everything's kosher and WE NEED TO KEEP MAKING HAPPY DRUGS.

tl;dr - I hate my Brain.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j
The Brain is the most worthless organ we have at times. Why? Because its entire motivation is (A) self-sustainability/survival and (B) self-reward.

The brain discovered the polio vaccine, wrote the "I have a dream" speach, the Gettysburg address, the understanding the sun was the center of the universe, salt preserves food, fire, the 427 cammer (for Christ's sake).

It's what you do with that amazing organ. If you use it to justify, excuse, rationalize horrorific actions it's not the brain, it's you.

We override our brain all the time. It's how we can get behind a wheel, skydive, eat fuzzy white donuts until we look like a scene from Scarface.

The brain is very limited. It can't reach out and strap you down so you don't go do something stupid. It sends out warnings loud and clear. It's called pain.

How we choose to process those and respond is all on us. Good news. The brain is there to help us work through the stupid, cruel, fucked up shit we do and help us fix it...as long as we use it...for good.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like this. It is amazing how as you start to get emotionally healthy your outlook on life really starts to change. What once was so important, isn't so much anymore, and new things are.

How are you doing today Aubrie?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4975 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get what you're saying KB. But don't be so quick to blame the brain. I think it deserves alot more credit than you're wiling to give it.
We override our brain all the time. It's how we can get behind a wheel, skydive, eat fuzzy white donuts until we look like a scene from Scarface.

Ding, ding, ding. How many times is something niggling in the back of our mind, flashing out warnings, sending off alarms, and we allow ourselves to step outside of the boundaries of safety? We override what our brain is telling us is right or safe.

How are you doing today Aubrie?

Dang TG, you're good. I was not expecting that question at all.

I'm tired and scrubbing left-handed. For about two days I threw the towel and Windex down. I allowed things to stress and exasperate me. Triggers blew it further out of proportion.

Mr. Aubrie picked the towel up, put it back in my hand, and with his hand over mine, pressed it back against the window pane.

Just part of the process.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6259 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just had a feeling. Your doing good. Keep it up. It is all a process. Don't forget to rest along the way.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4975 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post. Needed to read this today.

"What once was so important, isn't so much anymore, and new things are."

^^^
This!


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm tired and scrubbing left-handed

Um, left is right. Just sayin'

You've come such a long way. It's awesome you guys are working as a team. None of this shit is easy and it sometimes seems the more work we do the more that we see needs to be done.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks TG.

But UO! I'm right handed Dangit!

it sometimes seems the more work we do the more that we see needs to be done.

Yeah no kidding! Never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd uncover so much! Wow. It's exhausting.

And I'm ever so grateful he's with me on this journey. It's been pretty incredible.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 12:09 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6259 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummm ... I did say 'at times,' didn't I?

*checks*

The Brain is the most worthless organ we have at times.

Okay. Whew.

That said, yes. I see your points about pain, nagging, etc. ... but to a person who is Depressed, everything is warning flags, pain, and suffering, so how do you sort the noise from the real information? To a thrill-seeker, this is a minor speed bump, but to a neurotic, everything is scary and needs boundaries.

IF we have an objective way of processing and looking at this information outside of our own frame of reference, then I agree with you; I'm not giving the organ enough credit. If, however, you are delusional or impaired in some way, the task of making decisions for the right reasons becomes an infinitely more difficult task. Some of the impairment can be self-imposed, but sometimes it can be a permanent fixture, either psychological or physical.

My point is that your arguments assume a person realizes, "Hey, what I'm doing is painful or hurtful in some way. Should I stop?" Granted, most people who have the warning flag ignore it and shove it aside as quickly as they can in order to get back to the awful thing that they wanted to do, anyway. There are still those people, though, who lack the ability to make that determination from the onset. I should know: I have a 4yo who still hasn't quite gotten the hang of it yet.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd uncover so much! Wow. It's exhausting
.

Word!!


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4975 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My point is that your arguments assume a person realizes, "Hey, what I'm doing is painful or hurtful in some way. Should I stop

No, it doesn't. I'm not assuming anything. Depression actually enables the sufferer to see things more realistically, by the way.

The brain doesn't just get "addicted" to feel good chemicals. It can become "addicted" to stress and chaos as well. That's why many people feel their lives are in trouble without a crises or drama. The intensity give meaning that often isn't there.

That said, we are in control (unless we're talking about serious delusion which isn't the focus here, I didn't think).

Can anyone here honestly say they truly believed what they were doing was not wrong? Forget reasons, justifications, excuses, whatever, can any one of us claim that they didn't know their choices to cheat were wrong and would not end well if were known to their spouse?

If the answer to that is no, I knew it was wrong then doesn't the whole brain thing become a bit of a straw man?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MMmmm MMmmm my MMM MMomma always tol' me everyone was born right handed... Only the greatest can overcome it.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have enough to overcome. I'll be content being a weak lefty.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6259 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weak lefty

Oxymoron.

Seriously, it's so nice you guys can work together through this. My SO is very supportive and open with me.

I feel safe sharing with him and knowing that he honestly cares, has amazing insight, doesn't try to "make" me feel better but recognizes when I need to process.

Doesn't have any problem calling a spade a fucking shovel either.

The first time he said, "I'm sorry, I was wrong" time stood still for me. I thought I'd lost my hearing for a moment. Never heard that from someone close to me and had no concept how healing it was to hear someone acknowledge they might have been wrong with a choice or an action. I honestly had to adjust to it because I'd actually find myself wanting to argue with him.

You can't be wrong! That made me feel good and valued so you can't possibly be wrong. I had to actually seperate the acknowledgment from the action or I would have dismissed it entirely and I'd worked so hard on those boundaries for just this reason.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
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