This is so sick. It's like you're suffering from infidelity, but your OW is like a child molester at the same time.
This. Oh my God. She made believe she was rescuing him and then she abused him. I know your husband is a grown man and makes his own choices but she totally f'd with his mind and vulnerability. Actually, she selected him as her victim and preyed on him as she is doing now. People who rescue people do it out of the goodness of their heart, not for their own personal benefit. And even if all the stars and moon aligned and two thought they were "in love", the adult - AKA the "rescuer" would never act on it or allow it to be explored.
She needs to be reported. I wonder how many others she has manipulated?
Now back to how I tell OW BH...
Do I just call him up and say... What?
I need help with exactly what words to use.
I agree with sadtoo that playing it close to the vest, and not letting on what you know is the best plan in some situations. Mums the word.
In that vein, do not reveal your plan. You will be painted as the crazy, vindictive bitch, and her husband will be harmed.
Let him know with kindness and compassion, and this is very important - let go of the outcome. Some people can go to denial...just let that go, it's not your job.
I'm glad you found us, I'm sad you had to.
If your H gets mad at you for informing just tell him that if the roles were reversed you would expect him to do the same, that it is the right thing to do. ALso, get tested for std's - the bh needs to get tested, too, which is another reason to tell.
Just listen to your heart.
It's easy being kind to you, because...isn't he you? Yep.
(((hugs))) sweet lady.
I'm trying hard now to keep it together and not cry & scream.
He won't fess up!
Part of me knew this would be his response but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he's willing to lose it all!
His game is likely to be to find out what you know and then to cover his ass as best he can. Expect a lot of lies said with complete sincerity.
Honestly, if I had not heard my husband on tape phoning the OW I would have believed him totally when he said they were just friends.
And I think you are handling his denial just right too! (his reaction aside - cause even if you can predict it - to some degree - you can't control him). He's probably deleted the texts and thinks he is sitting pretty smug.
Note to self: we've determined that, for the time being, he is a total chicken shit asshole.
As for the OW's BH - is it possible to find his home number? Any idea where he works?
I would call, give him your name, apologize for delivering bad news and then just tell him. I would add that you have evidence in the form of texts between them and offer to forward them to him. If you are willing you can let him know that he is welcome to call you, should he need to, or if he discovers any further contact between them - and ask if he would do the same for you. Or if you would rather not have any further contact - tell him.
As for your WH... it would not hurt to go see a lawyer on a consult basis to see where you stand legally...
All that being said - as to a confrontation with your WH -- Are you safe? (Not trying to scare you but these matters can turn ugly on a dime; we have seen that here recently.) If you have any doubt - take steps to protect yourself physically, as well as your health, and your emotional self.
I did call the legal office on base (did I mention WH is a career military man?). I am going in tomorrow to talk to a lawyer.
WH is now sitting in the living room with me and his silence is getting me more and more upset!
Is there anything I can say to him without giving up my source?
I don't know how much more of the silent treatment I can take!
I want to know how he can be so nonchalant about losing his only child!
I know how hard it is to not say anything. I had to pretend I didn't know for almost three weeks while my PI and attorney did their thing.
It is best this early on not to reveal your sources. Good luck tomorrow.
Nope. Keep it all to yourself. I know it's hard, but it is for the best. If he doesn't know what you know, he can't plan. If he is really sorry, he will come to you and BE HONEST. He doesn't need to know what you know first. That's not being honest.
Now as far as the OW's BS. I would call him on the phone. Politely tell him who you are and that you have some information that he needs to have. Tell him that you will be glad to meet him and go from there. Maybe he will meet you half way so you don't have to drive so far. Try to find out where he works so you don't have to take the risk of her answering the phone.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
I know you want him to do the right thing and I know you just want this to be better. But he seems like he is a long way from coming clean and even further from remorse and reconciliation.
hugs to u n ur little ones remember no matter the outcome u n ur babies r what matter!! so please please take care of urself!!
D-DAY #2: 12/13/09 cought them together
M: 8 yrs together 13
him 2 wonderful boys 15 and 13 who I helped raised for 13 yrs, me 14 yr old beatiful girl he adopted her! together 2 wonderful girls 5 yrs n
It was not until the end of May when I found evidence and made him believe I had even more that he admitted it. Not only and EA but a PA for years as well as a second PA.
There seems to be a cheater's handbook. Amazingly they all seem to come out with the same sort of lies, excuses and manipulations until they come out of the fog (if they do).
Tell the other BS and show him the evidence. You won't probably need to tell your WH you know and have proof of his affair. Your WH will mostly likely hear it from the OW.
Lots of hugs D3 and keep posting. We are here to support each other.
Earlier this evening I was re reading the loving messages he wrote in the Valentine & anniversary cards he gave me (anniversary was just a few weeks ago). All our cards we exchanged were still out on display. I just noticed that they have all disappeared...the ones I gave him as well as the ones he gave me. I want those cards back! I'm tempted to go upstairs and ask him where my cards are. If he says he doesn't know what I'm talking about I might lose it. I'm going to try to wait until
morning to ask him. Why would he take those? I think I'll go crazy if I can't express my feelings to him.
Will someone remind me why I can't talk to him?!!!
Is there anything I can say to him that will make him talk?
I'm just having such a hard time understanding how he can hurt me so blatantly and not care!
Really, at this point, it is better to not talk to him, because feelings are so raw and new, and you may end up spilling what you know and how, and that would not be good right now. First you want to talk to the other Betrayed Spouse.
Also, you need to talk to the one in charge of the school where she teaches. That person has a right to know what kind of dirtbag is teaching the kids. The parents of those kids have a right to know. Wouldn't you want to know, if it were your kids? It's hard to tell how many people she has done this with. Eew!
Tell the Betrayed Husband, either on the phone or in person. Simply say, "I am sorry to have to come to you like this, but if I was in your shoes and didn't know, I would want someone to tell me. I have proof in black and white that your wife is having an affair with my husband. I can give you copies of this proof if you want it." It's important to be direct and to the point, to be gentle, and first off, offer proof. Approach the Other Woman's boss the same way.
(If your husband ever asks you why you did this without telling him first, point out to him that he didn't want to talk to you.) Really, though, you do not need to explain anything you do to him.
Next, get a free consultation with a good lawyer. You have rights as a Stay-At-Home-Mom. He should have to give you enough for you and the kids to live on, since he has supported you financially until now. He should have to continue to do so. If the lawyer doesn't think so, see another lawyer. You also can always make money on the side, too, at a flea market or babysitting or even a part time job. A roommate or boarder is another option. If it comes to Divorce, wait until it's final to make side money, though. For now, take all you can out of joint accounts and put in a safe place that cannot be discovered. You will need it later.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
Meanwhile you have lost your source of information and are no further to uncovering the truth - as they only confirm what you already know. Heck some stick with denial - you are not seeing what you are seeing (gas-lighting - the equivalent of an imaginary friend eating the cookies).
Confrontation will not likely bring you satisfaction - whereas an actual confession might offer a little hope.
If you confront, (and if I'm honest, I couldn't hold it in for 2 days, but that is me). Do NOT reveal your source - even though he has likely secured his phone even more.
Some have gone the route of "I received a letter, email, or phone call with proof" but be prepared he may well deny and insist on seeing the proof.
Once confronted the unremorseful WS covers his ass big time. Catching him again becomes that much harder. If they are deep in the fog, think they are in luv with OP, or this was an exit A - money might disappear, they cash and stash what they can. Thus the advice to get all your ducks in a row and be prepared for anything.
I felt like an alien had taken over the body of my once seemingly loving spouse. I was dealing with some zombie creature who didn't know human rules and didn't play by them, and I couldn't predict what he'd do.
Thus the advice to get your ducks in a row. Get copies of financial stuff, IRA accts. taxes, pay stubs, insurance, and stash them, just in case. And think about what you want, the 180, (BS FAQ #11)and consider - is an A a dealbreaker for you? If not what would it take for you to consider R - what steps would he need to take for you to feel safe in this M?
((disappointed)) Make sure you are getting fluids!! Eat something!! Sleep whenever you can!!
Im so sorry you're dealing with this.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.