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Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: found out yesterday
positively4thst
♀ Member
Member # 23998
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so sick. It's like you're suffering from infidelity, but your OW is like a child molester at the same time.

This. Oh my God. She made believe she was rescuing him and then she abused him. I know your husband is a grown man and makes his own choices but she totally f'd with his mind and vulnerability. Actually, she selected him as her victim and preyed on him as she is doing now. People who rescue people do it out of the goodness of their heart, not for their own personal benefit. And even if all the stars and moon aligned and two thought they were "in love", the adult - AKA the "rescuer" would never act on it or allow it to be explored.

She needs to be reported. I wonder how many others she has manipulated?


Posts: 1241 | Registered: May 2009
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take2... As a matter of fact, I do have proof. When I saw the texts, I took pictures of the entire exchange, screen by screen,with my phone camera. Then I sent them to my email and printed them out. The hard copies are at a friend's house. I still have the pics on my phone and they are still in my email as well as saved on my computer.

Now back to how I tell OW BH...
Do I just call him up and say... What?

I need help with exactly what words to use.

Any thoughts?


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, bring your evidence.
While you're at it, keep copies of your evidence in a safe place - with friends or family.

I agree with sadtoo that playing it close to the vest, and not letting on what you know is the best plan in some situations. Mums the word.

In that vein, do not reveal your plan. You will be painted as the crazy, vindictive bitch, and her husband will be harmed.
Let him know with kindness and compassion, and this is very important - let go of the outcome. Some people can go to denial...just let that go, it's not your job.

I'm glad you found us, I'm sad you had to.


Posts: 6421 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful approaching him in person in case his ww starts acting crazy. Do not tell your H that you plan to inform the ow bs because he will warn her and she will make you out to be crazy to her h.

If your H gets mad at you for informing just tell him that if the roles were reversed you would expect him to do the same, that it is the right thing to do. ALso, get tested for std's - the bh needs to get tested, too, which is another reason to tell.

Hugs.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6058 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI has a vault of exact words to fix every situation, but dang I haven't found it yet!

Just listen to your heart.
Be kind.
It's easy being kind to you, because...isn't he you? Yep.

(((hugs))) sweet lady.


Posts: 6421 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been home since this morning and he came home early from work while I was in the bedroom taking a nap with the baby. He went upstairs and holed up in the guest room until I took the baby up there not long ago and told him he needs to take care of the baby for a while. I came back downstairs to watch the news. A few minutes later he came downstairs with the baby and went straight to the bedroom. I went in there just now and asked him if was going to want to talk anytime soon. He said "about what? There's nothing to talk about. Go ahead and talk." I said "if you don't care enough about me or the baby, okay. I'll be meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. Let me know if you change your mind."

I'm trying hard now to keep it together and not cry & scream.

He won't fess up!

Part of me knew this would be his response but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he's willing to lose it all!


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry but this is pretty normal. They very rarely confess. The norm is to concede the point when confronted with evidence or to partly concede it - known as minimizing. It took my husband 13 weeks to admit to a sexual affair. In the meantime I got several "complete" versions of the truth.

His game is likely to be to find out what you know and then to cover his ass as best he can. Expect a lot of lies said with complete sincerity.

Honestly, if I had not heard my husband on tape phoning the OW I would have believed him totally when he said they were just friends.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off -- I'm so proud of you!!! Wow! - pictures and emailing it to yourself!!? Rarely does a new BS who JFO have that presence of mind!!

And I think you are handling his denial just right too! (his reaction aside - cause even if you can predict it - to some degree - you can't control him). He's probably deleted the texts and thinks he is sitting pretty smug.

Note to self: we've determined that, for the time being, he is a total chicken shit asshole.

As for the OW's BH - is it possible to find his home number? Any idea where he works?

I would call, give him your name, apologize for delivering bad news and then just tell him. I would add that you have evidence in the form of texts between them and offer to forward them to him. If you are willing you can let him know that he is welcome to call you, should he need to, or if he discovers any further contact between them - and ask if he would do the same for you. Or if you would rather not have any further contact - tell him.

As for your WH... it would not hurt to go see a lawyer on a consult basis to see where you stand legally...

All that being said - as to a confrontation with your WH -- Are you safe? (Not trying to scare you but these matters can turn ugly on a dime; we have seen that here recently.) If you have any doubt - take steps to protect yourself physically, as well as your health, and your emotional self.

More hugs!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have OW/her BH home phone number. But what if she answers the phone?

I did call the legal office on base (did I mention WH is a career military man?). I am going in tomorrow to talk to a lawyer.

WH is now sitting in the living room with me and his silence is getting me more and more upset!

Is there anything I can say to him without giving up my source?

I don't know how much more of the silent treatment I can take!

I want to know how he can be so nonchalant about losing his only child!


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try not to say anything to him. He will continue to lie and minimize at this point. Have you read up on the 180 in the Healing Library. It helps you focus on yourself while he is being a dick.

I know how hard it is to not say anything. I had to pretend I didn't know for almost three weeks while my PI and attorney did their thing.

It is best this early on not to reveal your sources. Good luck tomorrow.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 452 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please DO NOT tell your H what you know or HOW you know. He sounds like the type who will just deny, deny, deny. If you show and tell at this point, he will take what you have and put his own spin on things, convince you that you are seeing things, crazy or worse. Then he will contact OW and they will join forces and come up with the same story. And she will warn her BS about you being some "crazy woman."

Nope. Keep it all to yourself. I know it's hard, but it is for the best. If he doesn't know what you know, he can't plan. If he is really sorry, he will come to you and BE HONEST. He doesn't need to know what you know first. That's not being honest.

Now as far as the OW's BS. I would call him on the phone. Politely tell him who you are and that you have some information that he needs to have. Tell him that you will be glad to meet him and go from there. Maybe he will meet you half way so you don't have to drive so far. Try to find out where he works so you don't have to take the risk of her answering the phone.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7991 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it even too much to tell him I know he cheated and see where it goes from there?

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't. But that's just me. Keep it to something like, "You know what you're doing." and leave it at that.

I know you want him to do the right thing and I know you just want this to be better. But he seems like he is a long way from coming clean and even further from remorse and reconciliation.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7991 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
heartbrokensad
♀ Member
Member # 26846
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes yes listen to everyone here!! mine lied n lied!! until i figured out where OW lived n drove n cought them together!!! but for 2 months he lied lied lied!!! i had a 3 month old at the time as well as a 2 yr old, 9, 11, and 12 yr old!! soooo i feel ur pain!! it is devestating!!! its been 4 yrs but still hurts very very much!!!

hugs to u n ur little ones remember no matter the outcome u n ur babies r what matter!! so please please take care of urself!!


ME: 35
WH: 34
D- #1: 10/03/09(phonecalls)

D-DAY #2: 12/13/09 cought them together
M: 8 yrs together 13
him 2 wonderful boys 15 and 13 who I helped raised for 13 yrs, me 14 yr old beatiful girl he adopted her! together 2 wonderful girls 5 yrs n


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly they lie. I found texts on boxing day that made me concerned he was in an EA. When I asked questions he gaslighted me. They then went into overdrive to hide things.

It was not until the end of May when I found evidence and made him believe I had even more that he admitted it. Not only and EA but a PA for years as well as a second PA.

There seems to be a cheater's handbook. Amazingly they all seem to come out with the same sort of lies, excuses and manipulations until they come out of the fog (if they do).

Tell the other BS and show him the evidence. You won't probably need to tell your WH you know and have proof of his affair. Your WH will mostly likely hear it from the OW.

Lots of hugs D3 and keep posting. We are here to support each other.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 711 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, WH successfully made it through the whole day without talking to me. This is not the behavior of an innocent man or a man who gives a damn if I stay or go. He's sleeping in the guest room. I can't sleep. I know it's only been 2 days since DDay but I feel like he could really exist like this forever. I don't know how long I can live with him and his silence.

Earlier this evening I was re reading the loving messages he wrote in the Valentine & anniversary cards he gave me (anniversary was just a few weeks ago). All our cards we exchanged were still out on display. I just noticed that they have all disappeared...the ones I gave him as well as the ones he gave me. I want those cards back! I'm tempted to go upstairs and ask him where my cards are. If he says he doesn't know what I'm talking about I might lose it. I'm going to try to wait until
morning to ask him. Why would he take those? I think I'll go crazy if I can't express my feelings to him.

Will someone remind me why I can't talk to him?!!!

Is there anything I can say to him that will make him talk?

I'm just having such a hard time understanding how he can hurt me so blatantly and not care!


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
stillhere09
♀ Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


He is acting like he just doesn't care because he is not thinking of you or the marriage right now. He is thinking only of himself and how to cover up his dirty deeds.

Really, at this point, it is better to not talk to him, because feelings are so raw and new, and you may end up spilling what you know and how, and that would not be good right now. First you want to talk to the other Betrayed Spouse.

Also, you need to talk to the one in charge of the school where she teaches. That person has a right to know what kind of dirtbag is teaching the kids. The parents of those kids have a right to know. Wouldn't you want to know, if it were your kids? It's hard to tell how many people she has done this with. Eew!

Tell the Betrayed Husband, either on the phone or in person. Simply say, "I am sorry to have to come to you like this, but if I was in your shoes and didn't know, I would want someone to tell me. I have proof in black and white that your wife is having an affair with my husband. I can give you copies of this proof if you want it." It's important to be direct and to the point, to be gentle, and first off, offer proof. Approach the Other Woman's boss the same way.

(If your husband ever asks you why you did this without telling him first, point out to him that he didn't want to talk to you.) Really, though, you do not need to explain anything you do to him.

Next, get a free consultation with a good lawyer. You have rights as a Stay-At-Home-Mom. He should have to give you enough for you and the kids to live on, since he has supported you financially until now. He should have to continue to do so. If the lawyer doesn't think so, see another lawyer. You also can always make money on the side, too, at a flea market or babysitting or even a part time job. A roommate or boarder is another option. If it comes to Divorce, wait until it's final to make side money, though. For now, take all you can out of joint accounts and put in a safe place that cannot be discovered. You will need it later.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Often when you confront, the WS denies and denies until you provide proof (essentially they plead the 5th) and wait you out to see what you have and what you know. Show them your proof and they minimize, say you misunderstood, say it was just a game like role playing...Or...they only kissed, they only met for coffee, it didn't mean anything.... Whatever they can say to squirm out of it. (Think three year old caught in the cookie jar...)

Meanwhile you have lost your source of information and are no further to uncovering the truth - as they only confirm what you already know. Heck some stick with denial - you are not seeing what you are seeing (gas-lighting - the equivalent of an imaginary friend eating the cookies).

Confrontation will not likely bring you satisfaction - whereas an actual confession might offer a little hope.

If you confront, (and if I'm honest, I couldn't hold it in for 2 days, but that is me). Do NOT reveal your source - even though he has likely secured his phone even more.

Some have gone the route of "I received a letter, email, or phone call with proof" but be prepared he may well deny and insist on seeing the proof.

Once confronted the unremorseful WS covers his ass big time. Catching him again becomes that much harder. If they are deep in the fog, think they are in luv with OP, or this was an exit A - money might disappear, they cash and stash what they can. Thus the advice to get all your ducks in a row and be prepared for anything.

I felt like an alien had taken over the body of my once seemingly loving spouse. I was dealing with some zombie creature who didn't know human rules and didn't play by them, and I couldn't predict what he'd do.

Thus the advice to get your ducks in a row. Get copies of financial stuff, IRA accts. taxes, pay stubs, insurance, and stash them, just in case. And think about what you want, the 180, (BS FAQ #11)and consider - is an A a dealbreaker for you? If not what would it take for you to consider R - what steps would he need to take for you to feel safe in this M?

((disappointed)) Make sure you are getting fluids!! Eat something!! Sleep whenever you can!!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got my cards back...when he came downstairs this morning I asked him where he put them. He asked me why I cared. I said because they're mine and I want them.he told me where they were. I asked him why he took them. He said since I took them down he figured I wanted to throw them away. I told him if I wanted to throw them away they'd be in the trash and that I had been looking allow over for them last night. He told me I should have asked him last night. I asked him if he really wanted me to wake him up for something like that. He said if that's what I needed to do.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said you sent the evidence to your email account. Does your WH know about this account? If so,does he have the password? If he doesn't,then you might consider opening a new account,one he doesn't know about,and forwarding all the evidence to that account. he might try and hack into your email account if he knows about it.

Im so sorry you're dealing with this.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7110 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
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