Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Turtles (43206)

Just Found Out     Print Topic    
User Topic: found out yesterday
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I have proof of what I saw. Word for word.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A loving husband would bring you the phone and open his email account and show you how much he loves you and only you.

He's been spending the time since you told him to ask OW what was wrong to figure out how to spin this.

Do you think the Dr. would have gotten things rolling so fast if s/he thought you were a crazy new mommy making things up?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D, you are a very sharp cookie.
He said he knows he has to be careful what he says to me because I could ruin his career.

^^^This, my dear, is going to be your leverage....but you'll have to be willing to play hard-ball in order for it to have any effect.

Man, that statement that he made sent shivers down my spine. It's very telling. He completely choked the goat without even realizing it.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7247 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are here.

So the f what of you looked at his phone? What, is he 15 and concerned that mommy saw the porn? No dammit, you're married. "and two shall become one". Not a question, but a statement. Privacy is closing the bathroom door, everything else is an open book. At least in a healthy relationship.

Don't doubt yourself. This is gaslighting at it's finest.

His career over the marriage? Got some thinking to do. You said you were worried about the income? Would you rather share him or expose him? He put you here, facing the consequences can be painful.

Truth or dare. Would he rather tell you the truth, or dare you to tell his CO? UCMJ is pretty blatant about this subject.

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Disappointed,
I am new here myself. (Sorry we both need to be here!). There would be no way to "ruin his career", if he has done nothing that might cause that.

I too, got chills reading that and also his cold, calculating treatment of you. His wife is falling apart in front of his face, with a new babe to care for, and all he can think of is HIMSELF? OMG!

Do not let him make you doubt yourself. (notice he is the only person trying to do that?). Your Dr certainly took your claims seriously, and the knowledgeable people on this support forum believe you too.

I wish I could give you a huge, real life hug I am so sorry you are not getting, the comfort and love, you so need from your H!

He sounds so cold it's unreal, how he's playing these cruel mind games, when you are so fragile.

Please try to take good care of you and baby. Be extra kind to yourself. You are smart. Don't let him gaslight you, into making you feel bad/confused, about any of this.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 2:12 AM, April 5th (Friday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
stillhere09
♀ Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Truth or dare. Would he rather tell you the truth, or dare you to tell his CO? UCMJ is pretty blatant about this subject.

This is what you use. Tell him that if he doesn't come clean, the authorities will hear about it because you will leave no stone unturned until you know all of the truth. It's just as important to be calm, cool, and collected when you say this to him. If he sees you waver in your stance on this or emotionally upset, he will use that to try to gaslight you further. Someone who is upset can be more easily confused. Someone with a cool head and firm voice means business. Remember that at this point, he doesn't care about making you feel better; he cares about what he can fool you into thinking.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you a pm

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

disappointed - read through your thread again. I know it is shocking, horrific and incredibly disappointing, but the reason we can predict his actions is because it is so frigg'n common of a WS to do what he is doing. And unfortunately we know this by experience.

We all know the pain, wish somehow we could take it away. I know it is not very comforting to know he is just another WS reading from the WS handbook - but there you have it. This is who he is choosing to be. He is choosing control over your M. ((disappointed))

We can advise but only you can decide what to do now.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4096 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
whensitover
♀ Member
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look we would ALL rather it be a big mistake, something that you jumped to conclusions on. Everybody here would love it if we could have been wrong and nothing had happened. That would be the best, best relief ever!! None of us would have to experience this hurt like we have had to. But you know, YOU KNOW what you saw. There is NO mistaking that. Do not let your mind play tricks on your heart. Do not let your desperate emotions betray you and talk you into believing his lies. You know he cannot be trusted. GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW. Pull yourself together and do not let him off the hook. Those messages were real. I am like the others, if he had NOTHING to hide, if he had done NOTHING, then he would NOT be worried about you ruining his career. He sure wasn't about worried about ruining his marriage.

Posts: 422 | Registered: Feb 2011
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I have proof of what I saw. Word for word.

THIS^^^
Says it all.

D, you did not let us down. Its okay. It is the worst feeling in the world to be betrayed by the one you love.

Everybody here would love it if we could have been wrong and nothing had happened. That would be the best, best relief ever!! None of us would have to experience this hurt like we have had to. But you know, YOU KNOW what you saw. There is NO mistaking that.

OMG! I would love it if I was wrong about Mr. Happy's nasty trysts, if they were not real!!! But when I saw a post coital picture that he took of himself on top of her, in her bed ...I thought my head was going to explode!

What you saw was real. YOU are not crazy.

And yes he is probably conferring with the skank-0-saurus, getting their story straight.

He said he knows he has to be careful what he says to me because I could ruin his career.

^^^This, my dear, is going to be your leverage....but you'll have to be willing to play hard-ball in order for it to have any effect.

Gonnabe is right. Timing is everything. Keep your cool and let the school know. That will start the ball rolling...Shedding light on their foul dealings will take the fun and excitement out of it.

He won't be able to gaslight you then just saying...


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a few drinks tonight and he invited me up to his room. Had the best sex we've had in a year. I was tempted to whisper as I left the room-can she make you feel that good? But I didn't. Also thinking about sending her a fb msg letting her know how good I made her favorite student feel and if she doesn't stop contacting him her husband will find out everything.

Still a little tipsy, but that's what's on my mind.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are going through this. It's a tough time, so try your best to take care of yourself. You will get through this, one breath at a time.

I could ruin my lying cheating husband's career, so easy. But my lawyers have told me that I have a vested financial interest in him making lots of money. Would trade the money in for some pay backs anytime!!!

Post here, read the library and other posts. This is the only place that I can go where I don't feel crazy and that there are other people that understand where I am coming from. No judgement, just a safe place to share feelings, ask questions and get support


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 438 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow.

Okay, I know you love him very very much. I am not going to belittle that in anyway. But...

He is being an awful person
Extremely manipulative

Is it possible for you to go away for a few days?

Can you install a key logger on his computer?

Also a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car?

Finally if he has an iPhone and you have an ipad and she is a iPhone user too. You can get copies of all messages.

Honestly he is being awful, stealth mode is called for. If you haven't, don't admit to the phone.

He is trying to make you
1) feel crazy
2) feel awful
3) turn this whole thing into you.

Be strong.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is a key logger and where do I find it and a VAR?

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Answer in a PM


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it a bad idea to contact OW with a threat to out her to her BH? Been trying to reach him by phone but no luck yet.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it a bad idea to contact OW with a threat to out her to her BH?

Yes. Don't threaten her. Just DO IT.

If you give a 'heads up' she will have a chance to figure out a 'go around'.

You don't know their (Skank-0 and her BH) relationship. She may have already started gaslight him. You will be made out to be the crazy pathetic wife of some poor creature she helped long ago!

I do not wish to be didactic but you must be stealthy and JUST DO IT. And don't let your WH know what your doing.

The element of surprise will have a much better effect than giving a warning.

You may not be from the 'street' but warning anyone before doing anything will get you popped in the mouth.

The best defense is and aggressive offense.

Strike first and make it sharp and strong. Hit her on both fronts. BH and her work place.

Hit her hard and make it count.

I know that you are having second thought after your loving encounter with your WH...And your fear of financial insecurity...But do you really want to live in limbo and rugsweep the rest of your life with him?

Gently~
Only you can decide what your are willing to put up with for your life. Transparency, Honesty, and Respect are what we all strive for in loving relationships. Please don't settle for anything less. You are worth so much more.

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 2:54 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't ever let him make you think what you saw was something else when you come clean. It is what it is. When you go on the comp, delete your browser history. Odds are he knows you are on this site if he knows his way around a computer. If she is on FB, can you gather more info on there about her husband? Maybe contact him through there. Sounds like your H is more worried about his job. Don't let him guilt you into not taking action. Contact whoever you need to. I let my husband guilt me into not contacting the OW's boyfriend and her (his fear of his job and hurting her). Now, I regret not confronting her and her boyfriend sooner after my WH confessed. You never mentioned any computer use. Is there contact between them on FB or myspace? Is there e-mail on yahoo or google? Do you have access to the phone records? I did and copied it for myself how long they texted. When I caught my WH, he notified the OW and I read a message about her being concerned I was going to ruin her life and act crazy. I did nothing out of fear of being the "crazy wife", but truth is-we are entitled to be after their betrayal.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 676 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have one family computer in our home. It's in the guestroom where WH sleeps. I've been using my smartphone for all my SI posts. I did use our pc to print out my pics of his texts so they are saved on the pc but also downloaded in my documents so they are also saved on the hard drive. Each of the computer users in our home has a separate login and mine is password protected. He is pretty tech savvy so I guess he could figure out how to look in my stuff if he wanted.

Here's the thing...

Yesterday I was exhausted emotionally and didn't make an effort to get him to admit his PA. However, I guess the tension was getting to him and he gave me a typed letter he pulled out of his uniform pocket. He typed it at work on Thursday. I wish there was a way to scan it and post it here but I'll try to tell you what it said as accurately as I can.

From WS to me (BS):

"I'm writing this letter in advance for you to read. I'm hoping you'll just admit you went into my phone but if you don't, I'm not going to wait longer because it is destroying our marriage. Every text you read that said OW was forwarded to my phone from her husband's phone. For the last 5 months, OW has been telling me (WH) stories of her husband cheating on her. He (OW BH) is always texting on his phone but deletes them immediately. I (WH) told her of spyware that if she can install it on her phone will send her everything. She (OW) found a program called mobistealth but was scared to have his (OW BS) texts sent to her phone with him sometimes being in the same room because she worried he'd notice she got a text every time he sent or received one. Since everyone in our small hometown knows either her (OW) or her husband, she didn't trust anyone to keep her business a secret as she gathered evidence for whatever she plans to do. I (WH) gave her my word I wouldn't tell anyone. She is close friends with ---- and when I told her that ---- is friends with your parents, she was worried that your parents might find out so I chose not to tell you so you didn't accidentally tell your mom and your mom didn't accidentally tell ---- or someone else. It wasn't so much that I didn't trust you but rather that I gave my word to a friend not to tell anyone. I was wrong because you obviously saw the texts and believe that they are between me (WH) and her (OW). I'm sorry that this may have destroyed our marriage and made you not trust me. After I got the texts I forwarded each one to her a little while after I received them. I haven't told anyone what's going on between you and me (WH & me/BS) but I did call OW and told her you must've found the texts and think I'm having an affair. I (WH) told her I can't receive the forwarded texts anymore and that I (WH) will have to tell you (BS/me) everything. If you want to call her, of course you can but do it during the work day. Her husband is extremely physically abusive. I am so sorry that I have caused you pain and it's not worth it to keep this secret from you. I love you, always have. And will do what you want to make this debacle work."

So there it is. There might be bits of truth scattered throughout the letter but now I'm more convinced than ever that he cheated. I saw his texts. There were personal references to each of them that were identifiable. The texts were between WH and OW.

After I read the letter I didn't argue or push the fact I know he's lying. He agreed to go to counseling. I won't be comfortable confronting him without a third party present because he will just lie and we will get nowhere.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
disappointed3
♀ New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, April 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to mention in above post. I told WH that I never want him to see or speak to or have any contact whatsoever with OW again. He said okay. Agreed that fast. For a man who's not even admitting he's a WH, he sure did agree easily to my demands.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
Topic Posts: 128
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Lock This Topic is Locked
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.