" He said he knows he has to be careful what he says to me because I could ruin his career. "
If he isnt having an affair..why would he have to be careful about what he says to you..his wife??
Oh,and the abusive husband is a lie on the part of the OW..she tells this shit to the OM so he can be a KISA...or it's a lie concocted so you wont tell her BH.
He is lying to you.
And...let's entertain for one minute that this lie is the truth...he is having an EA with this woman..he is keeping secrets for her..lying to his wife for her,etc.
I wouldn't believe he is going to go NC with this woman. And you shouldn't either. He's lying on top of lying.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Don't listen to his soothing words and lines of bullshit...he thinks he can make this go away. Don't believe him, trust yourself.
ETA: And he agreed to your demands because he is a liar, he thinks he can pull ass this under-ground. Coward....
[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:01 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]
That's why he agreed to NC so quickly. He is scared because you have *PROOF* of his affair and *HE KNOWS IT*
It proves that he has been in contact with her and rather than remorse, they have joined forces to gaslight you - even arranging the time for you to call. She is prepared to carry on lying to your face too.
The quickest way to blow this up is to tell OW's husband.
You could confront him with copies of the *PERSONALISED* text's you have in MC, and tell him that without an *admission* from him, you will be forwarding all copies onto the OW's H and his command.
I know I sound harsh - but this man has proved he is NOT going to confess willingly and also shown the lengths he will go to, to gaslight you.
[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:21 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]
What most WSs don't get is how an innocent person would respond...because they're not innocent. An innocent would want to bend over backwards immediately to prove they love you and are faithful to you. Would they initially be shocked and maybe angry? Possibly. But innocent people are usually eager to prove their innocence.
He's been doing nothing but distancing himself from you. Going on attack. Making excuses. He can't trust his own wife with the secrets of an abused woman? Are you normally a heartless gossip, willing to put the life of poor, beaten former teacher's life at risk?
If he's cheating and abuses her, then how come the woman who helped HIM escape an abusive situation years ago hasn't learned how to use Google and find a women's shelter? The friend you guys met with- she can't be more trusted than a MM many MANY years her junior she only recently reunited with.
I can walk in a cow field and step in less crap than was in his letter.
Finally, I know HB (hysterical bonding) is quite the driving force. Keep in mind that you can get STDs from your WH. Also, giving yourself to him while he is cheating is paying just a little bit of your soul for nothing in return. I did this after d-day also and found the A didn't end, even when my H left for Iraq, he still kept in contact with xow2. I ended up feeling so foolish and used. It has been a BIG hurdle to overcome. When you're tempted, think about how you're giving yourself to a man who won't even give you honesty. Who can look at you holding his baby and still have a heart of stone.
just a thought on sharing info with the other spouse. How about good old mail.
This is what I did. I found the OBS's work address, and sent my letter (marked personal and confidential) to that address so his wife could not intercept it.
I sent a short letter explaining why I was getting in contact (so he had the info to make informed decisions about his life, so he could be tested for STDs), apologizing for being the messenger, and supplying the details and evidence I had.
He did receive it; OW knew I was going to tell him because my husband never went NC with her. She was looking for it, to intercept. If I had sent it to their home, he never would have known.
As it turns out, they didn't end their affair, anyway---many, many months later, when I learned this, I simply forwarded emails to the other BS to let him know it was ongoing.
It's really important that he know what's going on so that he can make well-informed decisions about his life and health.
ETA: His letter to you? It's 100 percent bullshit. He spent the days he was stonewalling thinking up this plot, very likely with OW's help. (You can be sure she knows this version, so that she can "verify" if confronted. This means your husband is now conspiring against you with OW---I mean, more than he was by having the affair in the first place. It's really bad when the BS becomes the common enemy of the WS and OP. Really bad. It helps cement them together even more strongly.)
So if you have not yet told her husband, now would be a really good time--tell him, with strength of conviction. Because you KNOW what the truth is, even if you wish it were not. Include all the evidence you have, include your husband's latest missive--so that he can be prepared for the gaslighting he's about to receive.
You say that maybe there is truth scattered in your husband's story. Of course there is. Good liars are good because they do insert just enough truth to make their outrageous lies credible to the people who love them and very much WANT to believe them.
But on top of the lies, his tone is just absolutely horrendous. He's accusatory, and that actually makes me worry for you a little bit. A man so cold is able to inflict a great deal of harm to protect himself. I'm not referring just to physical harm; my husband never hurt me physically (well, except by STD). He decimated me emotionally. Your husband sounds an awful lot like him, with his accusations, and "just admit its." You have NOTHING to admit to him; you checked his phone because your gut told you to---and it did so for damn good reason.
Don't let your husband's lies and games---the blameshifting and gaslighting---have the effect he desires.
YOU KNOW THE TRUTH.
You know he's lying.
Make your decisions confident of this.
That doesn't mean you have to leave immediately. It does mean you have to think about whether, if he's going to maintain this ludicrous stance and the defensive attitude, you wish to remain in the marriage.
In your shoes, I'd simply reiterate, "I read your letter. We both know you're lying. I expect honesty and fidelity from my partner---and if you're not willing to be honest and to commit to the VERY hard work necessary to repair the damage your infidelity and lies have caused, I will have to evaluate my willingness to remain in our marriage."
And then, I'd pull a HARD 180. And I'd start getting my ducks in a row.
You've shown you're able to do this--but I know how very strong the pull is to believe, to restore the status quo. Please--don't fall victim to this. It's far more comfortable, I know, NOT to rock the boat. But it's much, much more damaging.
Take it from a woman who did it more than once: it just gets worse if you don't deal with it fully, head-on, right out of the gate.
Millions of hugs to you. I am SO sorry you're going through this.
[This message edited by solus sto at 11:39 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]
Boy OH BOY! He has really taken a few pages from the cheaters handbook!
I am so glad that you are on this site. Since you have been reading here you know that his cheating little brain is working on overdrive to make such a convoluted story try to sound plausible...Do WS's thing we BS's just fell off the turnip truck?? That we are so desperate for relief from this horrible breech in our lives that we will believe wild story they can think of!
Every text you read that said OW was forwarded to my phone from her husband's phone. For the last 5 months, OW has been telling me (WH) stories of her husband cheating on her...Her husband is extremely physically abusive.
I (WH) told her of spyware that if she can install it on her phone will send her everything. She (OW) found a program called mobistealth but was scared to have his (OW BS) texts sent to her phone with him sometimes being in the same room because she worried he'd notice she got a text every time he sent or received one.
...she didn't trust anyone to keep her business a secret...
She is close friends with ---- and when I told her that ---- is friends with your parents, she was worried that your parents might find out so I chose not to tell you so you didn't accidentally tell your mom and your mom didn't accidentally tell ---- or someone else.
...but I did call OW and told her you must've found the texts and think I'm having an affair...I (WH) told her I can't receive the forwarded texts anymore and that I (WH) will have to tell you (BS/me) everything. If you want to call her, of course you can but do it during the work day.
The texts were between WH and OW.
I am glad that you insisted on NC between your WH and Skank-0-saurus. Just remember...
Cheaters. Cheat and Liars. Lie.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
And everything that Solus Sto said, she is right on the money.
Tell him that you know he is lying and if he continues to blameshift and gaslight... 180 his ass!
I'm going to add my voice to the chorus advising you to notify the OW's BH and pull a hard 180. Your WH is absolutely gaslighting you and trying to manipulate you - most likely with the help of his OW. I'm mad FOR you.
Take care of yourself and that sweet baby.
He knows you have looked on his phone, because he knows what was on it. He is trying to cover his butt...but if the messages you have contradict that story, you have him red-handed. The question is....are you ready to do this again? Or is it time to call it quits. Fortunately, you do not have to decide for now. He is worried about his career because he has screwed up....he knows it. It is not a friend helping out a friend. Trust your gut and know we are here to help support you!
Now do you understand the power of going dark? (quiet) Can you imagine how those two have been freaking out? And then THIS is what they come up with.
You can call her. her husband is abusive. So nice of your husband to be HER knight in shining armor. DO NOT CALL HER.
Keep trying to get ahold of the other BS. Do you know anyone who works at that place or near that place we found he works? Keep trying, keep calling.
Do NOT admit to anything to your WS. And as much as you want this to work, please don't have sex with him right now. You are exposing yourself to possible STD's
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.
Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.
I can't believe how often the WS and OW trot out the abusive husband story. Because, we all know the best way to deal with an extremely abusive husband is to give them something they can REALLY get mad about. They are all way too afraid to leave that abusive husband but they will run every risk to sneak around and have an affair...yeah, that makes sense.
Good luck tomorrow. I am so sorry.
[This message edited by inknots at 3:13 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]
As for his "career", whatever happens happens. You didn't run it or your marriage into the ditch - HE DID and he can damn well live with the consequences.
eta: I say that as a former military wife and at the time I didn't give a damn if he got busted back down to private and was left with nothing but his boxers and his combat boots. Either way it was HIS choice, not mine.
[This message edited by Chicky at 3:22 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]
You'll be in my thoughts. ((disappointed))
Good luck for tomorrow - take copies of those e-mails and the 'explanation' letter if you can.
My thought exactly. Take both. I think the explanation letter will be a very good thing to have as well.
2 Ddays and lots of TT
Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
keep trusting your gut.
A few things to be wary of perhaps IMHO:
1. he already took time to concoct a story with OW, therefore OW has had time to concoct a story with OBS (her hubby) AND your WH has time to concoct a bullsh*t story to his bosses.
2. expect to be made out to be a paranoid crazy post natal woman - so whatever you do, ***DO NOT ACT LIKE THIS***
3. You've done so well being strong and calm in your encounters with WH - way more than most BS's, so don't loose it now, and don't threaten your husbands career, or OW's career. Be as sweet as pie but firm as hell. float like a butterfly but sting like a bee.
4. If the messages were being sent directly from OBS's phone, wouldnt they come up under his number? surely if you ring the mobile number they came under and it goes to her phone, you know this BS.
and have the proof of this (which i predict you might need) you need to get hold of the number the texts came from to verify or falsify his story for your own sanity and reputation, much less in court if it ends up there.
5. you may also want to tell OBS that they believe him to be a serious abuser to OW, so at least you have an ally. thankfully idiot WH put his allegations of OBS in writing. KEEP THAT, so he cant deny he wrote it.
also - did he email it to you? or save it in the computer with his own name as author? You dont want him to backtrack and say you wrote it yourself, which i wouldn't put past this guy.
so you need to get him to sign it or something to prove that he wrote those words, which is in fact slanderous of OBS if they turn out to be untrue. This could be a helpful thing to keep in your back pocket.
6. consider an exploratory probe any of the army counselling services, or local police / women's shelters to see if this man is a danger - particularly if you are going to drive down confront him with evidence with a baby in tow. They wont give you outright info, but you could perhaps say that you have to tell him bad news and you have been told this but are unsure whether its true - and just ask in their opinion are you putting yourself / baby in danger if you confront him with the terrible news.
your strength so far is an inspiration. keep it up, and you can always vent and meltdown here.
but in front of WH and his colleagues- float like a butterfly, and gather everything you can in written form - every piece of information.
ps: i would nearly consider playing along with the lie until you gather more evidence. Perhaps an email to OW saying how you wont let out her secret and if he is abusive she is welcome to shelter at your house. await a reply confirming the bullshit story, then BANK IT. make sure you use the words "I know that you know WH has told me..."
if she doesn't deny telling WH this in the reply its evidence that WH most likely did write the slanderous letter.
sounds like these two might be willing to dig their own graves together, so you should take advantage of that while you have the amazing strength you seem to already. and it'll slow down the game a bit for you so you can gather strength.