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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Healthy coping mechanisms?
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any suggestions?

We know the ones that are unhealthy. Cheating, obviously. Alcohol or drug abuse. Violence. Taking anger out on others. Playing too many video games or reading too many self-help books - escaping reality. Self-harm.

I struggle with the last two, particularly with self-harm. No longer doing it, haven't in three years, but thoughts sometimes. Today my IC/caseworker discovered that I sometimes have trouble getting motivated to take care of myself; the precise thing was brushing my teeth, that I have to put it on a to-do list to remind myself to do it. She said that this concerns her and that it would be the sort of thing that would make her contemplate writing an abuse letter. Now I'm more scared than ever. I brush son's teeth everyday, feed him everyday, play together everyday, change him, bathe him, tuck him in, etc. It's not him I'm neglecting, it's myself. I know it's unhealthy.

The fear of losing my son motivates me to change. But I worry - what if what I do will never be enough? What if I brush my teeth, eat enough - and then it's not enough because I'm not at work, or what if my son begins preschool at 4 instead of 3, and that's not early enough? I'm not responsible enough? Or then when he's at school, I won't get a good enough job with health benefits (disabled right now)? Will I always be inadequate that there will always be someone saying I'm not good enough? I might not be a good enough daughter, nor a good enough granddaughter, nor even a good enough gardener or environmentalist... All I really care about is being a good enough mother.

And then the paranoia sets in. They want to take my son from me. No one will ever see me as a fit mother because of my mental illness, no matter how well I do. No matter how healthy my son is. And everyone says he is healthy. Even the IC. They say he looks amazing and smart and healthy. Why isn't that enough?

So, how do you cope when the paranoid thoughts set in? We can't use the unhealthy methods we've been practicing our whole life, or even the new ones we've picked up. What do we do to stay healthy when something scary's staring us in the face? Failure's not an option.

You can share your own struggles if you want or your thoughts, it doesn't have to be about my situation particularly. Happy to just listen.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
lostintally5581
♀ Member
Member # 37908
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi bs here how you don't mind me butting in. But I was reading your post and it brought tears to my eyes. As a mother I can relate to the fear of not being good enough. Just know that all your child needs is your love. It should not matter if you forget to brush your teeth. I sometimes go a few days without showering. With 4 kids finding time for me is like finding a needle in a hay stack. Children just need to be loved and nurtured. Sorry I didn't help you on your topic but you must know you are doing a great job as a mother the fact that you are in counseling to work on your issues and become a better stronger person for your child is amazing!


There better not be a "next time"

Posts: 88 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: a mere speck in a much bigger picture
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to just accept that you are as good a parent as the next person. No one parent is going to be 100% every hour of every day. As long as you keep trying, that is all that matters.

I go through cycles. Sometimes they are healthy cycles, other times they are unhealthy. I wish it could be healthy all of the time, but you know what? I can recognize and admit when things are going the unhealthy direction. During those times, being able to accept that sometimes the shit just needs to get out, and then following up with everyone to let them know that I'm sorry, well, maybe it would be nice to not go down those paths, but that isn't what happens, so it is just a matter of dealing with whatever is happening at the time and then taking whatever responsibility for it that might need to be taken.

What has changed is that the unhealthy stuff doesn't perpetuate itself like it used to. Each time is a little easier to deal with and work through. And with the other work that I've done (BW too), we get through these things together instead of letting them become a source of festering discord.

Perfection is not necessarily what you think it might be.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With 4 kids finding time for me is like finding a needle in a hay stack. Children just need to be loved and nurtured.

No one parent is going to be 100% every hour of every day. As long as you keep trying, that is all that matters.

Right? Shouldn't that be enough? Not always looking and feeling 100% is just part of the territory, as long as your kid(s) are safe and healthy.

Maybe my IC was worried and I'm just taking it too personally. She said that I didn't look well today (my skin wasn't bright and I've gotten thinner) and we've been discussing sleep (lack thereof) for several weeks. Hah, I hear new parents don't sleep for the first... actually, I don't know how many years it's supposed to be. What would make me an exception?

What has changed is that the unhealthy stuff doesn't perpetuate itself like it used to. Each time is a little easier to deal with and work through.

That's the hope, right? We form habits to cope better, so we work through harder times quicker. And the unhealthy in our lives is less severe than it used to be. That's the effort. Thank you, you guys.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:44 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Mazola
♀ New Member
Member # 38471
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will I always be inadequate that there will always be someone saying I'm not good enough? All I really care about is being a good enough mother.

I am on this issue with IC right now. I am not taling good care of myself. I should be sleeping right now. I am not eating right and I smoke too much. But I want to be sure I am doing the best for my kids and I feel that I have been lacking in that dept also. Lack of motivation.

I think you need to just accept that you are as good a parent as the next person. No one parent is going to be 100% every hour of every day. As long as you keep trying, that is all that matters.

This makes me feel a ittle better. My IC said to changes my list of failures to my list of "Challenges."


FWW 47
BH 49
2 kids
EA D day 8-2011 (wasn't truthful- EA was actually PA also)
PA D-day 1-29-2013
some TT after
working on R - taking it slowly to try to get it right :-)



Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perfection is not necessarily what you think it might be.

This is something I'm struggling with. I feel like I'm supposed to be perfect. To me, the protection that being perfect would offer is, not doing anything wrong. No need for people to get angry with me. I'm afraid of when people get angry with me, because I perceive them as having the power to hurt me or my family.

But what is perfection?

I wonder if it's hard not to be codependent when we perceive that others hold all the power. We feel like we kind of have to answer to them. Maybe it'd be worth it to consider what the consequences would be of not answering. Also whether or not the demands are reasonable.

Taking care of physical health is reasonable.

Being a good mom is reasonable.

Never struggling at all is not a reasonable demand. For the simple reason that it's impossible.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what is perfection?

I wonder if it's hard not to be codependent when we perceive that others hold all the power.

In CoDA there is a saying that it's "progress, not perfection" that we strive for. I think trying to be perfect sets us all up to fail, and be disappointed in ourselves, and others.

I think learning to be gentle with ourselves, and loving ourselves, means giving us the room to make mistakes, not be perfect, but to do our best. As a father, all I wanted for my children was a home with a mom and dad and boy did i fuck that up. I can let that destroy me (somedays it does), or I can make progress and model a healthy dad for my boys no matter what (somedays I do). But as long as the good out number the bad on a regular basis, it's progress, right?

Sorry I didn't help you on your topic but you must know you are doing a great job as a mother the fact that you are in counseling to work on your issues and become a better stronger person for your child is amazing!

Not sure if I helped, but I second this.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Topic Posts: 7

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