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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: OM emailed W -Big Deal?
Changed72
♂ Member
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W received an email from OM today.
He was asking what my D schedule is for sporting events?
So he could avoid any awkward moments because we all would be there.
My W sent her schedule, with no words attached.
Then she sent me the email, showing what she did, not hiding anything.

I told her before, and she agreed absolutely NC, other than work related emails. Which are over now, they don't have to talk at work anymore.

I'm so angry she did not ask me first, am I getting mad over nothing?
I don't give a shit if he feels awkward, I told her.

I'm just pissed off. Am I justified?
Any responses would be appreciated.
Thanks


Me-38
Her-41
Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
beforeandafter
♂ Member
Member # 37618
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You had an expectation that there was to be zero communication outside of work. You made that expectation very clear to her. I don't think it would be something to D over, but at the same time I would question why she thought she needed to do without including you. Seems like she is taking NC very lightly, at best.


Married 6-10-11
DDay 11-17-2012
DDay #2 6-5-13
Divorced 9-23-13

Posts: 123 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It looks like her need to contact OM,no matter the reason,is more important than honoring NC and what you need from her.

Big Deal.

Also..why isn't OM blocked from her email account? And,did she also send you his email to her..or just the one she sent to him?

If for some reason it's not possible to block him,then from this point on,I would tell her she is to forward any more emails from OM directly to you..unopened.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:42 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she didn't want you to have too deal with seeing the OM?? That I could understand.
But let her know she should never respond to this man anymore. Let you handle that from now on. JMO..
Right now you are on the edge as the BS. Rightfully so but don't read too much into her response. She may have done it thinking again that if you don't have to see him then your pain might be less.
Good luck.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree with beforeandafter. Breach of agreement for sure - probably nothing to D over.

FWH used to make odd judgement calls like this all the time following DDay. Hopefully this is just a common case of having crappy boundaries and realizing that they need to follow the rules to the letter in order to behave in a trustworthy manner. A lot of WS's (Fresh after DDay) are remorseful but still not accustomed to following rules as they are geared to create alternate realities in their heads to justify doing whatever they want. Accountability and right-and-wrong almost have to be learned from scratch.


If you can have a calm, but firm "I get where you were coming from and that you THOUGHT you did the right thing, but you blew it" conversation, you can set up clear, no-room-for-interpretation boundaries and hopefully avoid this confusion in the future.

It ain't easy.

(((Changed72)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:59 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]


Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. -Rumi

Posts: 16478 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Changed72
♂ Member
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to D over this, but I told her no emails other than work related. This was not work related. She said she sent it for us, so we don't run into each other. But really I don't care if I do, because what more damage can possibly be done to me.

I feel like calling him, and telling him not ever contact her again, which I already did.
I'm just so pissed...

We were going good, now this.

Again, I don't care if I run into him. I don't give a shit about him.
But now he's on my mind.

Really sometimes I think I'm going out of my mind.
This whole thing sucks ass!


Me-38
Her-41
Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, for heaven's sake! Foggy Waywards are just exasperating.

Try not to be too pissed at her about this. You need to *whiteboard* this out for her because she was right/wrong at the same time. *Right* to be open and transparent with you, but *Wrong* about EVERYTHING else.

She needs to stop thinking *for* you because, quite frankly, right now her judgment sucks. I'll assume that you've told her that you don't give a shit if you run into this guy....so this whole *schedule* thing was out-of-line. It was a maintenance of contact under the guise of being good for YOU....and it needs to NOT happen again.

Any type of contact from OM that isn't work-related needs to be run by you BEFORE any response is sent....if one is sent at all.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7712 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Changed72
♂ Member
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the comments.
It just amazing to me how I can get this way.
I never let much bother me, maybe to a fault sometimes.
We talked it over, I'm chalking it up to learning.
There is no doubt she knows exactly where I stand on this issue now.

Time to move on, from this.

I called my T, she said basically the same stuff everybody said here. She's the only one I can physically talk to about my situation.

You folks are very helpful here, but I'm a slow typist. And a bad speller.

Thanks again.


Me-38
Her-41
Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
ineedtoleave
♀ Member
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, she should have forwarded it to you. Then you could have handled it together.


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 956 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
just friends?
♂ New Member
Member # 35057
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The prick wasn't being considerate. He wanted an opportunity to see your wife again...accidentally on purpose. If this guy cared about how you felt he wouldn't have been with your wife anyway. Nor would he have tried to get her schedule. Besides that, your wife needs to be more sensitive to your needs also. You're probably monitoring her internet activities. How do you know that was all that was sent. What she sent him and forwarded to you could be a red herring! Waywards cannot be trusted! EVER!!! She's still foggy, I think. I don't know your whole story but if OM has a wife forward the email to her. Make sure she knows OM is still in contact with your wife. Good luck!

Posts: 23 | Registered: Mar 2012
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree - I'd be furious - its good that she told you - but ANY communication from her end MUST go through you first.


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Changed72,

My Opinion:
OM is an asshole, and he's seeking any reason to contact/talk to your WIFE.

Your wife should/must understand: NO CONTACT means exactly that - NO CONTACT WHAT-SO-EVER!!!It doesn't mean that she answers NON-WORK-RELATED EMAILS to the OM...just because she decides it might make things easier for you!
NO CONTACT!

Your wife and OM cannot continue to have communications - This must stop!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let it go this time with a stren warning that even this type of communication with OM is not acceptable.
Else next you know he'll be asking for Walmart schedules to avoid bumping into her there for crying out loud.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what part of NC does your W not understand?
NC, IMO, means NC. PERIOD !


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 446 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm assuming that she agreed to NC.
What part of NC does she not understand?

You have every right to be mad.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 446 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you have every right to be upset.

NC is NC is NO CONTACT

The OM can find any excuse to contact your WW. Schedule this time are you going to be ____ the next time.

It is a desire to initiate contact to see what the reply will be.

The OW contacted my WH bc her husband was acting "weird" and didn't know if I had contacted him or not. WTF?

BS...she was trying to see if she could manipulate her way back into my WH life.

Next contact - you respond - your wife is not to have ANY CONTACT regarless of "subject matter"

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:29 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013
Happydays
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big deal it is.
The prudent way was, she should have shown you the email before opening it. You should have sat down and read it together. Then decided if a response was necessary.
She just informed you of the bidirectional communication. That's not NC.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with HappyDays. I'm sorry. But, make sure she knows what you expect for next time


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I thought maybe OM's BW asked him to get that information as she would not want OM running into your WW.

Then my coffee kicked in, the gears in my brain started moving and I thought, "Oh holy shit!!!! His BW would slit her wrists before giving him the greenlight to email your WW"

Tell his BW now about OM's fishing expedition.

Make sure your WW understands this was done with bad ulterior motives, not out of the goodness of OM's heart.

Point blank tell her that any communication from OM must be shown to you and she is not to respond unless it is something the two of you have agreed to and do together as a team.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
MissD
♀ Member
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, for heaven's sake! Foggy Waywards are just exasperating

Sad but true!!


BW 40's - WH 50's
M 20yrs, T 23yrs
2 children
Multiple EA, OA,& PA's
Thankful for my faith in God to be my strong tower.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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