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Newest Member: aklc (44236)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This is difficult...
permanentchange5
♂ New Member
Member # 36547
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

We're in R, but at a stage (when is there not a stage like this), where things are incredibly difficult.

We're 10mths from D-Day #2. D-Day #1 was 11 years ago. Several inappropriate indiscretions in between.

We're in therapy right now since August. I've been in IC since June.
She has all my info, and my complete devotion to recovery. It was explained to me that anger and resentment was normal, and I suppose that's where I struggle.

Today she told me during an arguement that I am the only unhappy part of her life, and that to achieve happiness, she would have to make a difficult decision that would make others (our kids) unhappy (divorce/separation).

I understand that perhaps these statements were said in anger. I get that as I have made verbal mistakes as well in the past (saying things I don't mean when I'm angry), but part of me thinks this is simply the truth that she's expressing. I am not trying to sound defensive here, as I am completely committed to doing whatever it takes, however long it takes, but she has several times pushed this belief that I am the only unhappy thing in her life, that she would be much more happy without me.
I understand the anger, I understand the resentment and I completely understand that I need to provide for her a safe, consistent, environment and continue to make wholesale changes in my life.

However, this stage here is hard.

Any comments are appreciated.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2012
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this is the case but;

It might be that these are the things that she is feeling in the moment, but she is still committed to R with you? Feelings are different than commitments.

When she says that, what do you do or say? do you get angry or defensive? do you retreat? Do you empathize with her?

Maybe she just needs to express to you her feelings, and she wants you to be a big enough container to hear and empathize with her feelings. Does that make sense?


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
permanentchange5
♂ New Member
Member # 36547
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah that does make sense and in fact in therapy, this was brought up. She has to be allowed to be angry, lash out, be upset as triggers are everywhere. At these times, I need to show her comfort and show that I can "take it" (her words).

So I'm aware of this. It's not easy, but I get it. I am slowly getting better I think. I sometimes feel the need to speak when she's wrong about something (i.e. factually incorrect about something I said or did recently that is expressed much worse than I ever intended), but this never helps.

Anyway it just seemed these comments were different. That she was truly expressing her thoughts and feelings. I said nothing. I don't feel angry much these days, more frustrated. But I get it. It's my fault. I've never wavered from that.

I think you're right. But it's tough. Things can go from 0-100 in a blink. Last night, before she expressed how unhappy I make her, we were fine. She came home and told a funny anecdote that I responded to and suddenly she got quiet....this went to her expressing that she felt like she was being attacked...to later me asking why would she think that, I was only trying to be funny, to her responding "because you fucked some chick..."...and that was all she wrote.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2012
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was only trying to be funny

I don't know the entire conversation, or your history, but I have found this is a big mistake.

t/j
In my case I used humor to deflect all of my emotions, humor to be passive aggressive towards me BW and others, humor to flirt with APs, it was my shield, my defense, my everything to avoid everything and feel powerful.
end t/j

Why do you use humor? Maybe next time get in touch with what you are feeling, and talk to your BW about those feelings instead of using humor?


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
permanentchange5
♂ New Member
Member # 36547
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No this isn't what you think. She relayed a humorous story from her work. Without getting into details, something she's uncomfortable with outside the office, she'll have to do in the office. I expressed some giggles too as I found this ironic...this led to her feeling like I was being critical of her which was not the case, I expressed this, she felt I was being defensive....yuck, yuck, yuck....

Hence the title of the thread. I would never use humour to deflect. I am very sympathetic. However, we are here because of me. That being said, she blew me away with some things she said. Can anyone relate?


Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2012
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I got the details wrong. Sorry about that, projection is an issue for me!


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
permanentchange5
♂ New Member
Member # 36547
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No worries :) You're not totally wrong. Being happy in general is sometimes not appropriate as one can imagine. So perhaps smiling at her joke...which was somewhat at her expense...was a poor choice of mine

Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2012
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But it's tough. Things can go from 0-100 in a blink. Last night, before she expressed how unhappy I make her, we were fine.

No stop sign, BS here.

The rollercoaster is hell. My WH struggles with it as well. It's even harder for her though. It really feels like you are going crazy. We have no control at times. I can be in a good mood, rocking out at work and BAM - a trigger hits or some random thought and I am crying. Then I get mad, then I am exhausted. It is very draining. It's like an alien tribe has taken over my feelings and is hitting different buttons that control my emotions inside me just to mess with me.

I have no advice for handling it, just thought maybe helping you see how it is for her would help. I know WH and I have to do a LOT of explaining because it's a struggle to understand what the other one is going through.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 750 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
permanentchange5
♂ New Member
Member # 36547
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stop sign, BS here.

The rollercoaster is hell. My WH struggles with it as well. It's even harder for her though. It really feels like you are going crazy. We have no control at times. I can be in a good mood, rocking out at work and BAM - a trigger hits or some random thought and I am crying. Then I get mad, then I am exhausted. It is very draining. It's like an alien tribe has taken over my feelings and is hitting different buttons that control my emotions inside me just to mess with me.

I have no advice for handling it, just thought maybe helping you see how it is for her would help. I know WH and I have to do a LOT of explaining because it's a struggle to understand what the other one is going through.

Thanks for the comment sodamnlost. I am sorry you are in the position you are in and I honour your willingness to offer support to someone who did many terrible wrongs.

My wife and I managed to "make up" so to speak. She apologized for saying some things she didn't mean and admitted that she just can't past my faults. Any small mistake I make sets her off. It's funny because she is in the line of work to help people, but she has no patience for me. If anything that tells me she is suffering from what's happening as opposed to having a true dislike or thought that she could only be happy without me. Weirdly, it gives me some comfort as I am prepared to work as long and as hard as it takes to provide for her a safe, loving, supportive, new environment. Understandably, she's not ready to trust me yet.

Thanks again for your comments.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 9

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