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Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How will I ever meet someone
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I left my WW a month ago. Have suffered depression and social anxiety for decades. However, my wife was very sociable, and good at drawing me into social situations, so I wasn't noticing the social issues as much.

I was supposed to go to a friend's art show tonight. She was going to be the only person I knew there.

As I approached the building, I convinced myself that I needed supper first, so I wasted an hour in a pizza place.

Finally I went to the gallery. I was hoping that the door would be locked for some reason. It wasn't of course.

I pulled it open about an inch, let go, and then went home, constantly looking behind me to see that I hadn't been spotted. Isn't that stupid?

I had a little cry on the bus, then cracked open a bottle of wine as soon as I got here.

If I'm having this kind of trouble, how will I ever meet someone to love? Will I spend the rest of my life alone in my apartment drinking wine?

Depression, ADD, and social anxiety. That's right ladies. I'm the whole frigging package!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1988 | Registered: Jan 2013
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have suffered depression and social anxiety for decades.

If I'm having this kind of trouble, how will I ever meet someone to love? Will I spend the rest of my life alone in my apartment drinking wine?

I think you need to meet yourself first. Learn to love yourself, get comfortable in your own skin, get to a point where you don't rely on another person to determine your happiness.

The rest will follow on it's own. Seriously, it's amazing how stuff falls into place once you're healthy.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass,

I'm so sorry. I remember those days early after S and DDay. You feel so out of your element in almost all social situations. It used to make me want to crawl out of my skin.

I remember less than a year after Dday, friends pushed me to go to a neighborhood party. I only knew the two people who brought me there. I taked to a few others but just remember walking around and feeling so uncomfortable. I felt like a part of me was missing and I had no idea how to find it. I just wanted everything to be normal again but, at the same time, i knew that my version of normal was gone forever. I drove myself home that night and cried the whole way.

I can tell you that it gets better. You are in such an early stage, everything feels upside down.

It does no good right now to think of finding someone else to love. You have to learn to love you all over again before you are healthy enough to invite anyone new to step into your world.

Be very gentle with yourself during this time. Don't think too far ahead. I found that staying home, reading, doing house projects, sticking to my very close friends and family, and essentially hibernating for a time helped me. Wine and a fireplace also were involved on several occasions. It helped to heal my soul to learn to be alone and to enjoy my time to myself. Once i was ok with it, i was able to take baby steps out into the world again.

I'm not with anyone and it's been over two years since my world exploded. I am not ready to date yet, but I can feel it coming. It wasn't so long ago though that the very idea of meeting others and actually going on dates made me want to vomit.

I guess what I'm saying is don't push yourself. You've suffered a major life trauma. Don't expect that "normal" will come knocking any time soon. It takes time, but I promise, you will get there.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2811 | Registered: Jan 2011
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, it's only been a month. Honestly...I hid for a long, long time. Then went out...and went back into hiding.

Do some little things for you. Make yourself feel better. A new hair cut. A new shirt. Paint a room. Read a book. Play a game of golf...something that makes you feel good.

Give yourself time. You will get there. I went to a GTG with people here in Ontario at one point. New people, something we had all been through, got me out of the house. Now, a few years out, I've finally found one meet up group to go to. So far we have only done a few coffee nights, but it's been ok talking to people.

I firmly believe one day I will meet someone I want to spend my life with...but I needed to work on me first. Now, I don't have a ton of time, but I know I will find more time when the time comes. :) Keep on going Pass. You will get there.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, hugs: (((pass)))

Second, it is way too early to think about partnering up again. Everyone else is right -- you need to work on yourself and become an emotionally healthy person. As we frequently say here, broken attracts broken, so if you don't do the work on yourself, you doom yourself to another bad relationship.

What are you doing to work on your depression? Are you in any kind of therapy or on meds? Eating right, exercising, meditation, yoga?

Focus on making small steps every day to become the person you want to be.

When you are healed and in a good place, then you can start worrying about meeting people. And, frequently when you are healed and in a good place, you find that single life is fabulous. Which means that you are unlikely to fall into another bad relationship, because you respect yourself enough to end things because you're not afraid to be alone.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Dec 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((pass))))

Listen to the wise ones here in NB. Now is the time to heal. Then to figure yourself out, warts and all.

When you are right in your own skin, you will be yanking that door open rather than letting it fall shut again.

Trust. Heal. Breathe.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25508 | Registered: Aug 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((pass)))

I don't have depression or anxiety but I hate new social situations. I really, really do everything I can to avoid them.
I'm over a year out from ex-shat leaving and I'm just finally working up the courage to join a running group!

Do not push yourself into something before you are ready! Take time to process your hurt and get to know yourself again. I found that going back to my IC for a few sessions helped me give myself permission to work at being social on my own time table.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might not ever meet someone to be with in a relationship.

I know it's a bitter pill to swallow, but you have to accept that. Then, you have to get ok with it.

My therapist has helped me to accept that our highest emotional task is to accept our aloneness. Accepting it means to not be bitter or upset about it.

I really don't think a lot of people are able to do this. Most of us drive ourselves mad trying to be in a relationship, and then staying in one.

It's one thing to say that we are ok being alone, but it's another to live that out. To be alone, to not look to change that, to live your life independently without resentment and fear. I think it's important to get to that point. Because the truth is, we don't know that we'll be with someone.

I spent a year thinking I had to find someone. It was a pretty miserable experience. I'm happier now that I have let that go. If I meet someone, great. If I don't, that's great too. I'm going to be ok. And I'm going to focus on the wonderful relationships I already have with friends and family.

I think who I need in my life will come into my life quite naturally. But there are a lot of people who are already in my life and I'm going to concentrate on them, as opposed to worrying about who I can "find."

My advice, then, is to let it go. Stop worrying about it. Be fully engaged with the people who are already in your life.

[This message edited by hurtinky at 10:08 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Survivor3512
♀ Member
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Pass))) quite simply- you're no where near ready to even think about meeting someone. It's only been a month since you separated. And I know that wasn't your intent tonight, but you're still in a fragile state. Be easy on yourself. I think once you've had more time to get used to bring separated/ divorced, you'll become more comfortable with you. That's the first step. Then you'll start to be more comfortable around others. Hang in there. You'll be okay.


Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A month is so very soon... I doubt any of us were put back together at any degree at that point!

The thing is you ARE the whole frigging package. You just have to get to the place where you KNOW that, are good with yourself and the rest will fall in line, just like Ama said.

Be kind with yourself right now... focus on pass. Get to know yourself. Find out what you like and don't like, what you believe and what things are okay (and not okay) with you. You might be surprised to learn you have to do some excavating to find the real you again. I know I sure did.

It's time well spent. Trust us.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15403 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you doing to work on your depression? Are you in any kind of therapy or on meds? Eating right, exercising, meditation, yoga?

Therapy and meds. Before I moved out I was trying meditation, but have fallen off that horse since moving (along with the eating right and exercising horses). I need to get this shit under control.


I guess what I'm saying is don't push yourself. You've suffered a major life trauma. Don't expect that "normal" will come knocking any time soon. It takes time, but I promise, you will get there.

Not sure I've ever been at "normal", but I do want it desperately! I guess I have to start doing more of the above. Our youngest son also has ADD and his pills caused an almost instant and almost complete change. I was hoping for the same, but have had no such luck.

The discouraging part is that the social anxiety has been there my whole life, so I don't know if I'll ever have an easier time with it.


You might not ever meet someone to be with in a relationship.
I know it's a bitter pill to swallow, but you have to accept that. Then, you have to get ok with it.

hurtinky, dude, are you trying to make me cry again? You're right, of course. I spent my entire teenage years to my early 20s desperately seeking love, and obsessing over the fact that I hadn't found it. It was when I decided to just enjoy being single that I met and fell in love with WW. I just have to learn how to "be the ball" again.


Be easy on yourself.

Trying. Small successes here and there. It's hard to be easy.


The thing is you ARE the whole frigging package. You just have to get to the place where you KNOW that, are good with yourself and the rest will fall in line, just like Ama said.

Thank you for that.


... And thanks everyone for the hugs and encouragement. Things look a LITTLE better by the morning light. Not great, but I'll work on that.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1988 | Registered: Jan 2013
veelop5
♀ Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please listen to everyone here....I am 8 months out and only starting to feel comfortable...I have spent many nights in my apartment with some kind of beverage in my hand....I cried and cried and cried somemore...TIME is a terrible word in the beginning but it is the HONEST TRUTH....be gentle with yourself and one day you will wake up and wont believe the difference....(((pass)))


ME-38
XH-40
3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
MichelleRenee
♀ Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it makes you feel better I am terrified as well. I am only 36 but have full dentures. Who the hell is going to want a divorced mom of 3 with fake teeth.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sucks, Michelle. I think we all have to have a little hope. Best of luck to you.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1988 | Registered: Jan 2013
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I meet someone, great. If I don't, that's great too. I'm going to be ok. And I'm going to focus on the wonderful relationships I already have with friends and family.
It was when I got to the point that I was happy with my life, having fun with my single friends, and comfortable in my own skin and being by myself (I actually looked forward to it, because I spent a couple years and built quite a busy social life) that I found someone. Actually....he found me. I wasn't looking.

Life likes to keep us on our toes. When you seriously think you will die if you don't have someone, you either won't find someone, or you will end up with the nearest psycho that applies for the position.

When you are happy alone, people seem to pop up all over the place to make us rethink again if we really want to settle down or not.

Take some time to heal and to work on yourself...get comfy in your own skin, learn to enjoy your own company, and learn to socialize to the extent that you want to socialize, without depending on someone else to carry that ball for you. When you get to that point, you will no longer NEED someone in your life, but if you want someone, you will make better choices.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15241 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be very gentle with yourself during this time. Don't think too far ahead. I found that staying home, reading, doing house projects, sticking to my very close friends and family, and essentially hibernating for a time helped me. Wine and a fireplace also were involved on several occasions. It helped to heal my soul to learn to be alone and to enjoy my time to myself. Once i was ok with it, i was able to take baby steps out into the world again.

THIS....you take your time, surround yourself with only your close friends, stick to home, keep yourself busy, and HEAL pass....HEAL. Sadly, it's not a quick fix, but it's the best path to where you need to be.

And you POST, often, whenever you need support. SI is an amazing source of support. We've all been there, we're all there, and we're all here. ((pass))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4562 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

social anxiety

There are two approaches. One is to try to fit into the extroverted world - like attending large functions that wreak havoc on your system. The other is to find events that fit you.

Do you function well when you have something to do? For example, working at a soup kitchen or building houses for charity or creating a hiking trail... Those events put a tool in your hand and you have a task and conversation would arise naturally out of what you are doing... and, most important, they are side-by-side conversations. Those tend to be easier to deal with than the face-to-face, full attention kind of conversations.

Take time. Get to know yourself and your style. Then find social functions that fit you.

I personally am an extrovert - I love a good art exhibit, walking around and talking to random people. But I am surrounded by family (brother, husband, son) who have social anxiety.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6098 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, you are still very early in. It's naive at best to think you would be remotely ready to meet anyone.

Talk to your doctor about AD's. They help tremendously. I waited almost 2 years past dd to do that. Wish I'd done it the day after.

Exercise helps, reading helps (fun stuff, not M/A related). You can't realistically be over this sort of upheaval in a month.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 756 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm familiar with your pain. Initially I went out and socialized with a lot of women. It was my way of trying to move through the healing process. I thought it was a great way to stay busy. And for a while it was. But as I went out with more and more people I realized that everyone has their own personal battles. Everyone has a story. And part of that story is many people are lonely, but they don't know what it is they want either. Some people deal with it better than others. Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves and make it well known they are looking for companionship...any companionship.

I stopped seeing a woman I was close to this year. I know inside she just wasn't right for me. Yeah it hurts and yes it's lonely now. But others here are right. You need to get comfortable with yourself. I know deep down that once I do that things will improve and the right person will step into my life when I'm not looking for it. When I look back to all the women in my life (dating, marriage, etc) everyone of them stepped into my life when I wasn't looking for it. That rationalization doesn't make it any easier, but it is what it is. I'm refusing to date right now. It just doesn't feel right. I have an inactive dating profile with OLD. Yes there are some women I would love to see, but it seems like such a struggle to date right now.

My solution is try to stay busy. If there are any sports you like to play, join a rec league or something. Anything to get out of the house. You will meet new people and make new friends. If you are invited to something...go. force yourself to walk through that door. Even if you only know one person there. Only you can get over your anxiety. I think you know that.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you POST, often, whenever you need support. SI is an amazing source of support. We've all been there, we're all there, and we're all here.

Thank you. I definitely will. As a matter of fact (and possibly TMI), texted her a booty call about an hour ago. Of course she will either ignore or reject. Somebody please hit me with something.


find events that fit you.

Yep, I've been doing that. The funny thing is that I don't mind singing and playing in front of people, so I've been going to an open stage and a folk jam every week. Having a GREAT time at those! The art show was for one of my jamming friends, so I wanted to show some support.

There are only three other nights in the week that I don't have the kids here, so I need to learn how to be mellow on those other nights. I totally enjoy going to dinner and movies by myself, but am gaining weight from doing that too much. Time to start hanging around the apartment more!


It's naive at best to think you would be remotely ready to meet anyone

Yep, I have figured that much out - despite the fact that I want to fall in love again so badly. My worry is that when the time comes that I am ready, I'll keep spazzing out and fleeing from all social situations where I might have met someone.

Thanks, y'all.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1988 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 23
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